I ran half way across the world

[OM123]

I will make this incredibly long story short (like novel to short story short but no shorter than that!!): I was engaged to the wrong woman when I was way too young (dated since we were 19, engaged at 23). I left her while she was openly cheating on me (emotionally and physically). I did so because of a new girl I met, who I worked with and became good friends with. We started seeing each other. I could not take the new relationship seriously, just coming out of the old one. The new girl hated me after realizing that I could not/ would not commit. Six months later she forgave me and we became friends again. Two years later we evolved to good friends, having many of the same friend circles. Two years after that we became really good friends, spending our lunch breaks together, going to the same bar every friday, going to concerts together etc. We each dated a bunch of other people, none of which ever lasted very long.

Two years later we became best friends, living 3 blocks away from each other, commuting to work together, having dinner at each other's houses several times a week, talking about our romantic lives, going out several times a week, food shopping together, driving around aimlessly, feeding each other's minor bad habits. Many people who did not know us well thought we were a couple. A couple of what?

Anyhow, after being friends for seven years, I realized that I loved her. She was dating a not so good person at the time. She thought she was going to marry him. It didn't pan out. Shortly after we went to a friend's wedding and shared a hotel room, just her and I. I wanted to tell her then that I loved her but she ended up staying the night with an ex who was also at the wedding. I almost said something coming back from the airport but she stopped me before I could. She knew what I was going to say and wanted to stop me from being a fool (which I am).

I started dating a not so good person of whom she disapproved (alcoholic sex freak). This was a common theme, her not liking my girlfriends. Mixed signals. I broke up with this girl, partly because of my friend's disapproval, partly because she scared the living pants off me.

Around that time she got back together with a guy she had seen in the past who I really liked.

Things were always awkward for us with each other's significant others and this was no exception except that this guy was a really great guy, who could laugh at awkward situations. She was happy and I was happy for her.

 

An opportunity came up for me to work in a rural part of a remote, developing country half way across the world, something I had always dreamed of doing.

I took the opportunity, partly to disappear for a while, partly to fulfill this dream. Almost a year has passed since. We still talk fairly regularly. She is my best friend after all. She is still in the relationship with the same guy and he is still pretty great (I also talk to him fairly regularly when I call her).

In the back of my mind there's always this scene of me coming back for her. The reality is that will never happen.... How the hell does one move past this? I want her to always be a part of my life, even if as a friend in a far away land but will I ever be able to meet a new person? I'm on the wrong side of thirty with no prospects where I'm currently residing (the marriage customs in this country don't exactly fit into my moral compass (I was offered a 15 year old by her uncle once, just in passing, while I was doing laundry at the communal tap, I smiled awkwardly and politely declined)). It is difficult for me to meet new people, to feel included in groups, to come out of my shell (handsome, funny, introverted type, tell your friends). I am happy with my new job and working in international development, though its a known curse of this field that finding a partner is extremely difficult.

I guess I'm just venting. It's tough growing older and lonelier while always trying to do right by people and trying to bring some love into this world. Should I run back to her like a crazy person, professing my love and wrecking our friendship? Should I maintain my distance until we're old and in a Gabriel Garcia Marquez novel plot? Try to find love elsewhere? Life can be difficult sometimes. I appreciate the small things in the mean time. Thanks for reading. Advice, comments, suggestions, insults, are very welcome.

[BlueIris]

...

Should I run back to her like a crazy person, professing my love and wrecking our friendship? Should I maintain my distance until we're old and in a Gabriel Garcia Marquez novel plot? Try to find love elsewhere? Life can be difficult sometimes. I appreciate the small things in the mean time. Thanks for reading. Advice, comments, suggestions, insults, are very welcome.

 

I see only two choices- tell her you love her and see if she wants to be together (frankly, I'd say propose... but I'm old) or start distancing yourself in order to free yourself emotionally to fall in love with someone else. I don't think I'd go the Marquez route. But it sounds as though you consider it crazy to profess your love and commit to her. Why do you think that's crazy? You must have a reason.

[preraph]

If you know she's happy and this is a good guy, it really wouldn't be very ethical to rock the boat. She stopped you before, so if you're sure about that, then she's sure about it, I guess. And that's too bad. Yes, you are in a place where it's going to be hard to meet someone, but you just never know. Since you're kind of stuck there, may as well keep up the friendship and communication. You have nothing better to do, right? I mean, chances are she wouldn't want to come live there with you even if she decided you were the one, right? Then if something happens to her relationship, after a decent interval, you could always tell her how much you miss her and sometimes think you might be in love with her. At least you're at a safe distance so she's got plenty of wiggle room if it makes her uncomfortable. No matter what, unless you meet someone there, you'll have some big choices to make as far changing to accommodate a woman.

 

Have you visited the local embassy? You should drop by and you might meet someone there or they might refer you to expat hangouts. It's worth a shot. Good luck!

[Potion9]

Prolly should have just told her BEFORE you left out of country.

Will be very awkward now that she is in a seemingly good relationship with a good guy........ If she was single would you still wonder about telling her? or would you just continue being her friend?

 

 

If you text/talk regularly though I would try to through out hints about your feelings toward her...... and see what kind of reaction you get.

 

 

In the end. You only live once. Telling her and knowing how she feels about that, would be better then never telling her and always wondering for the rest of your life imo.