If promiscuity is a negative trait in a woman for many men then why?

[todreaminblue]

Why did you stick around after it happened?

 

Why did you refuse to have him charged?

 

Why did you refuse to go to the hospital?

 

You were an example of why the laws have changed.

 

 

1.because i was young and thought i could fix him and i did he has never hit a woman again

 

2. because i didnt want him to have a criminal record or serve time

 

3. because i never go to hospital i hate them unless i really need to, i feel exposed and because if i went to hospital routine procedure would keep me in overnight for possible concussion,kicks to the head, i had children to raise .....who depended on me to be there in the morning.....that routine police procedure would be to find out what the doctors said ......my bruises and swelling had not come out yet to see the extent of the abuse the doctors would notify the police if i had stayed overnight5..........i had no broken bones.....that needed fixing

 

4.yes i am

[Tayla]

Deb, I walked your path. I get what you are saying. The Bottom line is you were changed from that experience and have the kindness to forgive yourself and to forgive the abuser. Its something only someone who has been thru it can understand and empathize without being judged . The laws don't really know how to handle the heart side of decisions....Bless you for being who you are today.

[blueskyday]

I stayed because I was in denial, shock. This sweet , nice guy couldn't possibly be so mean. I have it all wrong. He had a bad day. It's my fault. He will return to the sweet loving man I know.

 

It's brainwashing and it happens so slowly! He might be nice for a whole year, and then begin to subtly cut you down. He gently "corrects" you. It's never his fault. You burned dinner? He has a right to his feelings, doesn't he? Why can't he get mad? You are controlling, he tells you.

 

He explodes in rage, then apologizes and is thoughtful and loving until one day (when you are relaxed and not expecting it) BAM! He explodes again! And you wonder what you did this time. You begin to walk on eggshells. I'll keep the house neat, you think. The kids quiet. I'll dress up more. I've really let myself go. He's right.

 

Everyone loves him. Whenever you meet someone new that knows him, they tell you how wonderful he is. How nice he is! How lucky you are.

 

It's a brainwashing! You think it's your fault. And everyone subtly tells you that it is. If you complain that he says mean things, no one believes you. They tell you he works hard and you should be more understanding. Everyone has a bad day and snaps at loved ones, they say. Really, he's wonderful and coaches little league. (And yes, he's so generous and patient--with everyone else!)

 

So, you think every outburst is the last one. You believe he is that nice sweet guy. It's delusional, but until he tries to kill you, most people don't understand or believe he is a monster. Worst of all, you don't believe it yourself.

 

Physical violence is nothing compared to the emotional abuse. People respond to the hitting, but it's often way too late for the victim. She's too far into the abuse cycle and has been for a long time due to the emotional abuse.

 

Believe me, the bruises were a relief. Finally, others could "see" what I had been saying. Even then, many blamed me for staying.

 

Don't ask "why does she stay?" Instead, ask "why does he abuse her?"

 

An abused woman is like someone in a cult. She's brainwashed and needs help.

 

When my ex tried to kill me, many people finally saw him as a monster. I couldn't believe it had to take that. I told people he had killed my spirit long before then, but everyone was too busy blaming me or minimizing his abuse.

 

I tell this so maybe people understand it is never the victims fault, even if she stayed. She stayed because she didn't know there was a way out anymore and needed someone to help her out.

 

Sometimes there is only one violent episode of physical abuse . But the abusive mindset has always been there. When the abuser runs out of control options, he will use violence. Abuse always escalates and gets worse. Often the woman is fighting the abuse and control, so the abuser uses bigger weapons and physical violence to control. That's why the most dangerous time is when a woman tries to leave. He's lost his control over her and will often try to kill her.

 

So, listen hard for abuse when it's on the low end of the spectrum.

Edited August 3, 2014 by blueskyday

[newmoon]

the OP is hanging around the abuse forums but claims to have never suffered abuse so.... i don't get it. where is the fascination stemming from and why be so concerned for your safety when nothing has ever even happened to you?? it seems like there are some issues you're not dealing with, or perhaps some type of trauma bringing this on.

[ChamomileWind]

the OP is hanging around the abuse forums but claims to have never suffered abuse so.... i don't get it. where is the fascination stemming from and why be so concerned for your safety when nothing has ever even happened to you?? it seems like there are some issues you're not dealing with, or perhaps some type of trauma bringing this on.

It has happened to certain female members in my family that I heard about it. You don't have to have a first hand experience on this to be concern about it and have a strong aversion towards aggressive men.

[newmoon]

It has happened to certain female members in my family that I heard about it. You don't have to have a first hand experience on this to be concern about it and have a strong aversion towards aggressive men.

 

i agree w/you. you don't need first-hand experiences to worry, but don't turn the worry into paranoia, or fear, or the assumption that all men (or even most men) will be that way. we're not living in a barbarian society and most men treat a woman the right way and won't get aggressive and abusive. and when you respect yourself and have boundaries they sense that. but you've heard of self-fulfilling prophecies, right? don't go doing that to yourself.

[ChamomileWind]

blueskyday:

sorry to hear both of you experienced an aggressive man that tried to killed. No woman deserves that. Did he eventually go to jail for attempted murder?

todreaminblue:

you have such a forgiving heart. I would never be able to overlook that.

 

newmoon:

Yes, I've heard of the self-fulfilling prophecies before. It is indeed powerful what so much thinking about what can happen can end up doing to you. I guess I'll take a break from the abuse section and post about other things.

[blueskyday]

Thanks, chamomileWind! He was indicted, but cut a deal before trial. Served no time but went into specialized two year therapy program for abusers, and spent five years on probation.

 

Thankfully it worked and he changed his life around. Obviously, it was too late for me to be connected to him in any way, but I received a lot of closure due to his recovery and subsequent apology. He did say that he never would have stopped the abuse until he was stopped by the police and the judicial system, or by doing something irrevocable like killing me.

 

Scary, but something to remember when dealing with abusers.

Edited August 5, 2014 by blueskyday

[blueskyday]

I want to add that there is no such thing as a self fulfilling prophecy concerning abuse.

 

Non abusive men don't become abusive under any circumstances. In fact, I was taught in therapy to test men a bit to see how they handle the word No, loss of control, and dealing with my feelings and wishes being in opposition to theirs.