Can't stand hearing my man talk about beautiful women!!

[Amyjk]

Hi! I'm a 47 year old single mom who has been divorced for 8 years. I had a really bad marriage and just started dating again in the last year. Six months ago I met a wonderful man and just recently became engaged. My fiance treats me like a queen! He's perfect for me in every way, except that he talks about beautiful woman a lot! I've told him how this bothers me and he has really made an effort to stop, but occasionally still slips. He tells me he thinks I'm beautiful, but it still bothers me that he remarks on other women, especially women he works with etc etc. When we're out in public, I find myself looking around to see if there are any attractive women and am constantly watching to see if he is noticing them. I have always been the jealous type, since high school and was apprehensive to start another realtionship because of my jealousy. I can't stand it!! I hate being like this!! I don't know why beautiful woman make me feel so bad and insecure!! Are there any women out there who are experiencing the same issues and how do you deal with it? I'm going to end up losing the best thing that's ever happened to me, if I can't find a way of overcoming this jealousy!!

[Merin]

Breathe.. in with the good, out with the bad..

 

Seriously.. jealousy in a relationship can be the kiss of death especially when it gets out of hand.. it makes you look *ugly* and eats you up..

 

It sounds like you're fiancee' isn't trying to hurt you or make you feel insecure and I've got to tell you, that it's human nature to look at what appeals to you BUT it doesn't mean you're going to jump on it know what I'm saying?

 

Emotional Baggage.. it gets really heavy to carry around.. and it isn't fair to make your fiancee' carry around *bags* that don't belong to him.. something I've told my BF.. I don't mind picking up HIS *baggage* once in awhile but it CAN'T be all the time.. it isn't mine, and it's heavy..

 

Your Fiancee' is with YOU right? He thinks YOU'RE beautiful and wonderful and amazing or he wouldn't have asked YOU to marry him.. thats pretty big ya know?

 

Keep in mind that there can be a lot of beautiful people in the world.. but it isn't just the exterior of you that has captured your fiancee' in a way that has made him want to spend his life with YOU.

 

Best Wishes

[latesleeper]

hi amyjk,

oh, it's so hard to deal with that green-eyed monster. i'm not sure how to handle that critter either, except by talking to your significant other and get the reassurance you need. you've already done that, so that's good, and it's great he's responding and trying to help.

does he talk about them in a sexual way? or just a general way?

keep talking to him about how you feel and ask how he can help you ease the jealousy. did you tell him exactly what you need him to do to help you deal with the jealousy? Sometimes people don't really know what is expected of them. Maybe he thought all you wanted was to let him know how you felt, but if you want him to stop doing this or that, or to replace certain behaviours (perhaps instead of looking or talking about other women, he can hold your hands and look into your eyes and just smile???), that will help you feel reassured, tell him.

does he truly know how badly you feel when he talks about other women? if he really knows how much you mind, would he change his behaviour? it sounds like he may not really know how much you really mind, since you said he's trying and yet he's still talking about them.

have you tried individual counselling? this is a security issue and some of it may be buried in other issues (self-worth, trust issues?).

it's hard and i wish you strength. good luck.

[glitter-gal]

Girly girl get your jealousy under control...

 

Oh another question... after being in a bad marriage before (whick probably didn't help your jealousy at all) why on earth are you engaged to a man you have known for only 6 months??!!

[Mz. Pixie]

Jealousy is sooooo hard.

 

I'm in this situation with my BF. I've never been the jealous type!

 

The thing is I was married for 13 years and I was basically my H's one and only love. Now, I'm in a relationship with a guy who- except for a period of three years (his marriage) has been dating other women. His past pops up in conversation from time to time, casually. Never like he wants to be with these women.

 

BF has dated two models and a Hawaiian Tropic finalist! Talk about pressure!!!

 

I've never had a relationship with anyone who has a past like that. It's not that he's been a player or anything but he is over 35.

 

He and I have talked about discussing beautiful women. He will sometimes make comments about someone being pretty. I don't mind as long as he's not saying "Dang, I'd like to sleep with her" yada yada. I don't mind him looking if he keeps it to himself. He feels the same way. He said, "Baby, there is NOTHING out there that would make me risk what I have with you, period"

 

Keep it to yourself and bask in the fact that he treats you like a queen!

[Amyjk]

Thanks to everybody that replied! You all have made excellent points!! And just reading your replies have made me feel better. The probelm is my jealousy problem is very deep rooted! It goes way back to some very abusive relationships!! I have had some individual counseling over the years, but still am having problems dealing with the jealousy issues! It's just that we're bombarded daily with scantily clad beautiful women everywhere you look on T.V., magazines, all over etc. I've been told...If you can't beat 'em...join 'em. For instance when pretty women get brought up...to agree with him and say..yes she is pretty. But I still can't bring myself to do it. When I am in a situation where my fiancee brings up, for instance his 30 yr. old boss at work (who he has commented on several times), I cannot help the negative feelings that rush through my body. I have a tendency to over analyze and I find myself playing the scenario over and over in my head. I wish I could come up with a way where I could derail these thoughts before they get out of hand!! I'd like to know...what do other women do and think about when there partner makes comments or looks at other pretty women?. Do you feel momentary jealousy? Do you just try to let it go? Or do you just try to think about something else? I've tried to tell myself this is very trivial, but it doesn' work. Please give me some clues...'cause I have to overcome this if I am going to marry this man!!

 

One other thing...I really had no intention of ever getting married again until Joe came along. He totally changed my mind about marriage. We're extremely compatible (except for the jealousy thing) and this is the first really good relationship I have ever had!! I think Joe will make a wonderful husband and step-dad to my kids!

Thanks for any further input!!

[Mz. Pixie]

Okay, this is what I do-

Take this example.

 

BF works in a upscale rest here. Like 4 stars- it's his second job. Celebs are always coming in there and he gets to wait on them yada yada.

 

Before he met me one night he waited on a beauty contest winner- something like Miss USA or whatever- can't place it right now. So, he tells her he's never gotten a autographed picture of anyone famous before. He is talking to her and she's with her family. She tells him to give her his addy and she will send him one. So, here it comes like 5 months later during our relationship. He shows it to me, it's got a cute little personal note about how he took such good care of her blah blah. Signed love. He was saying how pretty he thought she was- I of course agreed. He said, "You aren't jealous?" I said , "Of course not" I said "Let's find a special place to put this picture". The next day I helped him pick out a frame for it. Once he put it in the frame he said something about where should I put it. I told him to put it wherever he wanted to except in the bedroom. He put it on the sofa table by the front door. I didn't say a word.

 

I'm sure I came off as pretty dang cool. Face it, he would never have a chance with this woman- I'm about 99 percent sure of that so why should I stress?

 

When he makes little comments I say, "Oh, she sure is" or "I think she's really pretty too". It's mostly always someone on TV so why should it bother me?

 

Now, it would be totally different if we passed a woman in a club and he turned all the way around to check out her arse and was like "mmmm mmmmmm good" or some kinda crap like that. I would clock him for that because it's disrespectful!

 

See the difference?

[glitter-gal]

Bravo Mz Pixie!! I couldn't have said it better myself...

 

I also have reasons to be overly jealous because of past relationships, but the guy I'm with now is so different from anything I've ever had before... I think that alone is enough to curb my jealousy. He contantly tells me how beautiful I am, or how sexy etc. etc... He also comments on other women like "so-n-so's girl is pretty" or "John Doe finally found a cute one" or "Wow that girl is hot."

 

The difference to me is that he is always making these comments straight to me and not under his breath. Also he never gawks at other women or catcalls or anything disrespectful to me.

 

I do the same with him, I make sure to tell him the ways I appreciate him and that I think he's damn sexy. But when we are out I am free to voice my opinion about what other guys are cute or if I like thier hair or clothes or car etc. etc.

 

I guess the key is balance... I'd be waaaay pissed if my man complimented everyone else way more than he complimented me & I'm sure he feels the same way.

[Hep]

I was in the same situation as you are with my current fiance. If he treats you wonderful (unlike any other man has), and YOU TRUST him, then don't worry.. I would continue to tell him you don't appriciate it, that you don't make comments about other men. He may not realize he's doing it. If he continues I think its disrespectful. We all know that other people are attractive, and we're going to look, but making comments is not appropriate to me.. My fiance has stopped doing it since he found out it hurt my feelings. ( I am not a ugly women, but have been cheated on, and know cheating start with "just a look") Good Luck to you.