Using NC to get back with EX

[cavalier99]

You saying "I dont want to do _______ because it hurts my chances at reconcilation" IS doing that. You are pretty much saying "I dont want to upset her because if I do, she wont come back" is awful. She already left AND is dating another guy. She also acts like a drama queen and is doing very immature things....yet YOU'RE concerned about not making her upset just in case she wants you back later....

 

Do you see nothing wrong with this?

 

Listen to Confused he always gives great advise!!!!!! Rock on! Cav

[frankvega]

Listen to Confused he always gives great advise!!!!!! Rock on! Cav

 

Hi I just want to be with her and my kids again. I know she is immature I know she is a drama queen, but she is the mother of my kids and I want her and the kids back. That is the reason I am posting here. Because I want her back.

 

If snitching her out with her man is going to better my chances of getting her back I will do it. If not then I won't because where I am from you don't snitch people out

[ConfusedHumanBeing]

Listen to Confused he always gives great advise!!!!!! Rock on! Cav

 

CAV! My dog! What's going on? Hope things are well with you. I got all the great advise from you.

 

Rock on man

[cavalier99]

Good to hear from you bro!!! I'm probably going to get married to the new girl im with next year!! But if not ill be fine and onto the next hahahaha Cav

 

Im.so glad my ex broke up with me now!!! It was a blessing and I'll always be grateful to her. Lol

[Tbisb74]

Hi I just want to be with her and my kids again. I know she is immature I know she is a drama queen, but she is the mother of my kids and I want her and the kids back. That is the reason I am posting here. Because I want her back.

 

If snitching her out with her man is going to better my chances of getting her back I will do it. If not then I won't because where I am from you don't snitch people out

I don't know how else we can get through to you so here's hoping:

 

SHE WILL NEVER, EVER COME BACK. SHE HAS ABSOLUTELY NO INTENTION WHATSOEVER OF COMING BACK TO YOU. YOU WILL NEVER, EVER BE A WHOLE FAMILY AGAIN. IT - IS - OVER. DONE. FINISHED. ENDED. KAPUT.

Please, please please: Quit this now. There is a better chance of you having a sex change and coming out as a fully functioning Paris Hilton, than of you ever succeeding in getting all this back together again. It's completely and utterly hope-less. Stop. It's insane and getting you nowhere, but utterly and completely disheartened, frustrated and sucker-punched. You will get better results by beating your head against a wall. stop now, really, for your own good, and for your own virtues as a dad. because that you are - but her husband and partner, you will never be, again.

[ConfusedHumanBeing]

. I know she is immature I know she is a drama queen, but she is the mother of my kids and I want her and the kids back. That is the reason I am posting here. Because I want her back.

 

If snitching her out with her man is going to better my chances of getting her back I will do kicnot then I won't because where I am from you don't snitch people out

 

I'm going to hit you with more truth:

 

Your self worth is awful. Sounds like you have absolutly no confidence in yourself. You look incredibly weak right now. Good news is that most people on here do.

 

Im not going to lie....I think you need to seek out some professional help man. This is not looking incredibly good for you. Talking to someone through this will help a LOT. I understand losing a marriage is hard...but its over. You still have your kids. Those are the ones who need you. Your ex needs a kick in the ass.

 

For the love of GOD do not say anything about her new dude. That makes you lool pety and stupid.

 

You have to accept facts man.

[cavalier99]

I don't know how else we can get through to you so here's hoping:

 

SHE WILL NEVER, EVER COME BACK. SHE HAS ABSOLUTELY NO INTENTION WHATSOEVER OF COMING BACK TO YOU. YOU WILL NEVER, EVER BE A WHOLE FAMILY AGAIN. IT - IS - OVER. DONE. FINISHED. ENDED. KAPUT.

Please, please please: Quit this now. There is a better chance of you having a sex change and coming out as a fully functioning Paris Hilton, than of you ever succeeding in getting all this back together again. It's completely and utterly hope-less. Stop. It's insane and getting you nowhere, but utterly and completely disheartened, frustrated and sucker-punched. You will get better results by beating your head against a wall. stop now, really, for your own good, and for your own virtues as a dad. because that you are - but her husband and partner, you will never be, again.

 

Harsh but true

[frankvega]

I don't know how else we can get through to you so here's hoping:

 

SHE WILL NEVER, EVER COME BACK. SHE HAS ABSOLUTELY NO INTENTION WHATSOEVER OF COMING BACK TO YOU. YOU WILL NEVER, EVER BE A WHOLE FAMILY AGAIN. IT - IS - OVER. DONE. FINISHED. ENDED. KAPUT.

Please, please please: Quit this now. There is a better chance of you having a sex change and coming out as a fully functioning Paris Hilton, than of you ever succeeding in getting all this back together again. It's completely and utterly hope-less. Stop. It's insane and getting you nowhere, but utterly and completely disheartened, frustrated and sucker-punched. You will get better results by beating your head against a wall. stop now, really, for your own good, and for your own virtues as a dad. because that you are - but her husband and partner, you will never be, again.

 

 

Ok in our 9 year relationship we have broken up maybe around 6-7 times some ranging from 1 month others 5-6 months.

 

Out of all of those breaks I managed to get back with her on every single one. Even was able to get back with her after her walking in on me and my other ex(she had my house keys) back in 2008. Back then I thought it was really hopeless. Nevertheless 6 months later we were together again.

 

This is the longest break that we had. But back then when we separated she would not even talk to me or text.

 

At least now she blows up my phone on a daily basis. For the stupidest reasons like "oh quick put this song on in the radio it so reminds me of you" or " oh the girl all she said all day today is papi papi papi what you don't want to see your daughter today?

Edited August 1, 2014 by frankvega

[Tbisb74]

Oh hell's bells... SHE'S WITH SOMEONE ELSE!! You're really not listening, are you? You are just not "hearing" a single word anyone is telling you. This is different! She can flirt with you for 2 reasons:One, she knows she can, because it yanks your chain, makes you compliant and roll over and beg for more like some dumb puppy (way to get attention!) and Two, she can do it because she feels SAFE! You're no threat! She can say and do what she likes, because it's just all a load of bull!There is no promise, no commitment, no hint! Goodness me you definitely DO need therapy. With a 6lb brick, first of all.... Damnit!!

[frankvega]

Oh hell's bells... SHE'S WITH SOMEONE ELSE!! You're really not listening, are you? You are just not "hearing" a single word anyone is telling you. This is different! She can flirt with you for 2 reasons:One, she knows she can, because it yanks your chain, makes you compliant and roll over and beg for more like some dumb puppy (way to get attention!) and Two, she can do it because she feels SAFE! You're no threat! She can say and do what she likes, because it's just all a load of bull!There is no promise, no commitment, no hint! Goodness me you definitely DO need therapy. With a 6lb brick, first of all.... Damnit!!

 

Ok I understand that you don't want to give people false hope. But why are you so negative in your responses all the time.

You say words like impossible and not going to happened.

For me death is the only thing that would make something impossible.

 

Something could be very unlikely but not impossible. I came here in search of people who achieved the unlikely and got back together with there ex. I if all I wanted to hear is someone telling me to move on and find someone new I could very well just hear the drunkard down the street in the bar.

 

I would like to get advice from people who actually got back together with there ex after dating other people.

[ConfusedHumanBeing]

Ok I understand that you don't want to give people false hope. But why are you so negative in your responses all the time.

You say words like impossible and not going to happened.

For me death is the only thing that would make something impossible.

 

Something could be very unlikely but not impossible. I came here in search of people who achieved the unlikely and got back together with there ex. I if all I wanted to hear is someone telling me to move on and find someone new I could very well just hear the drunkard down the street in the bar.

 

I would like to get advice from people who actually got back together with there ex after dating other people.

 

The denial is strong on this one

[BC1980]

Ok in our 9 year relationship we have broken up maybe around 6-7 times some ranging from 1 month others 5-6 months.

 

Out of all of those breaks I managed to get back with her on every single one. Even was able to get back with her after her walking in on me and my other ex(she had my house keys) back in 2008. Back then I thought it was really hopeless. Nevertheless 6 months later we were together again.

 

Do you realize this makes you 0-7 for making this relationship last? Those are awful odds. Like, really bad. If someone told me I had a 0 in 7 chance of living tomorrow if I got in my car, I would not get in my car tomorrow.

[Simon Phoenix]

Ok I understand that you don't want to give people false hope. But why are you so negative in your responses all the time.

You say words like impossible and not going to happened.

For me death is the only thing that would make something impossible.

 

Something could be very unlikely but not impossible. I came here in search of people who achieved the unlikely and got back together with there ex. I if all I wanted to hear is someone telling me to move on and find someone new I could very well just hear the drunkard down the street in the bar.

 

I would like to get advice from people who actually got back together with there ex after dating other people.

 

So basically you're pissing, moaning and pouting because people aren't telling you what you want to hear? It's time to take a lap.

[frankvega]

So basically you're pissing, moaning and pouting because people aren't telling you what you want to hear? It's time to take a lap.

 

 

No it's not that, it that I realize that some people say different things for the same scenario, sometimes depending on there mood.

Some people say that if I completely let go and do my own thing than I have a chance.

Some some say no matter what you don't have a chance it's impossible yada yada yada,

 

Some say if I ignore her and take her of the pedestool than a I have a chance

Only to hear 5 min later from someone. That no mater what she is NEVER coming back even if you put her on or off.

 

Which is it??? Who's advice do I follow? God this is so confusing

Edited August 2, 2014 by frankvega

[Simon Phoenix]

No it's not that, it that I realize that some people say different things for the same scenario, sometimes depending on there mood.

Some people say that if I completely let go and do my own thing than I have a chance.

Some some say no matter what you don't have a chance it's impossible yada yada yada,

 

Some say if I ignore her and take her of the pedestool than a I have a chance

Only to hear 5 min later from someone. That no mater what she is NEVER coming back even if you put her on or off.

 

Which is it??? Who's advice do I follow? God this is so confusing

 

Well, the consensus there is that you need to stop interacting with her about anything other than the children. Where you keep screwing up is that you are engaging and enabling her immature, childish behavior. Honestly, if she's dumped you six times, then the odds of her dumping you a seventh if you even get a seventh is extremely high.

[frankvega]

Well, the consensus there is that you need to stop interacting with her about anything other than the children. Where you keep screwing up is that you are engaging and enabling her immature, childish behavior. Honestly, if she's dumped you six times, then the odds of her dumping you a seventh if you even get a seventh is extremely high.

 

You misunderstood, she did not dump me 7 times. In our entire relationship we had around 6-7 major arguments that resulted in us being separated for a while ranging from 1 month the shortest to 6 months the longest.

She did not dump me or I dumped her it was just regular arguments where she picked her stuff and went to her parents. Only to come back each and every time after I did NC.

 

In one of those instances in 2008 when she came back after 3 months of NC when she opened the door instead of finding me alone she found me and my other ex which I managed to get back with her as well. That was our longest breakup which lasted 6 months.

[Simon Phoenix]

You misunderstood, she did not dump me 7 times. In our entire relationship we had around 6-7 major arguments that resulted in us being separated for a while ranging from 1 month the shortest to 6 months the longest.

She did not dump me or I dumped her it was just regular arguments where she picked her stuff and went to her parents. Only to come back each and every time after I did NC.

 

In one of those instances in 2008 when she came back after 3 months of NC when she opened the door instead of finding me alone she found me and my other ex which I managed to get back with her as well. That was our longest breakup which lasted 6 months.

 

That really doesn't change anything that I posted. You can call it what you want, but those are breakups. Either way, it's a toxic relationship and the breakup/NC/makeup cycle reeks of immaturity on both sides.

[frankvega]

That really doesn't change anything that I posted. You can call it what you want, but those are breakups. Either way, it's a toxic relationship and the breakup/NC/makeup cycle reeks of immaturity on both sides.

 

Hi Simon at the beginning of our relationship yes I would have agreed with you that we were a little immature on both sides. But ever since we found out that that we were going to have a child things changed completely. We didn't argue we started to be more friendly with each other and more romantic. I could honestly say that it was the best moments of our relationship.

Only problem were the finances. Which is not a problem for me any more.

 

I highly value what you have to say because of just the sheer amount of post count you have I know that you seen it all and heard it all and have a lot of experience in these sorts of things.

 

I am aware that my chances for a full reconciliation is slim to none but I want to be able to look myself in the mirror and know that at least I tried.

 

That is why I read countless threads and stories here and try to deduct what works and what doesn't.

 

I know every case is different yet most cases have very similar situations and psychological patterns, (exp: don't chase, don't beg, don't cling, don't be needy,)

 

I just want a chance to have my family back I am not asking anyone here for permission nor would I get discouraged when some posters post offense things about my situation.

Edited August 2, 2014 by frankvega

[BC1980]

You misunderstood, she did not dump me 7 times. In our entire relationship we had around 6-7 major arguments that resulted in us being separated for a while ranging from 1 month the shortest to 6 months the longest.

She did not dump me or I dumped her it was just regular arguments where she picked her stuff and went to her parents. Only to come back each and every time after I did NC.

 

In one of those instances in 2008 when she came back after 3 months of NC when she opened the door instead of finding me alone she found me and my other ex which I managed to get back with her as well. That was our longest breakup which lasted 6 months.

 

Those are definitely not normal arguments. Whatever you want to call it, those instances are way more than a normal disagreement.

[frankvega]

Those are definitely not normal arguments. Whatever you want to call it, those instances are way more than a normal disagreement.

 

I guess for me and her it was because after our last argument we didn't have a fight for 5 years and we had 2 kids together.

[music_and_poetry]

Forget her for right now. For right now you need to understand that she is not available to you romantically. Your kids however are there. Focus on being the absolute best father you can be to those kids. Be a role model to them.

 

Coming from someone who grew up in a broken family, my father wasn't there much and it was really hard for me. Not saying that's the case here at all. But the greatest gift you can give right now is being a fantastic Dad.

 

Eventually she may realize she wants to try to work things out and be a family again. However that is for her to figure out and no amount of NC, trickery, bribery, is going to manipulate her into that decision. And you can't wait for someone who may or may not return. So for now, lean back and focus your energy off of her and onto your kids. And when the kids aren't around focus on yourself. I for one have found a new outlet in dancing and am addicted to how it makes me feel. Find something new and dive into it. I hope you pull through this. Good luck.

[Zapbasket]

No it's not that, it that I realize that some people say different things for the same scenario, sometimes depending on there mood.

Some people say that if I completely let go and do my own thing than I have a chance.

Some some say no matter what you don't have a chance it's impossible yada yada yada,

 

Some say if I ignore her and take her of the pedestool than a I have a chance

Only to hear 5 min later from someone. That no mater what she is NEVER coming back even if you put her on or off.

 

Which is it??? Who's advice do I follow? God this is so confusing

 

The best advice I have received, and the best advice I can give, regarding what actions offer the best chance of reconciliation, is to get YOUR head straight. Focus on that, and the right outcomes will follow. When you are in the thick of grief and loss, you can't see the forest for the trees as understandably you are in the thick of wanting whatever it takes to end the pain in the fastest time possible, which is to return to the way things were. Since you can't force that to happen, and what's done is done, you must focus on accepting that this loss is now a part of your reality, with all its incumbent grief and pain.

 

It sucks. But you have to regain your equilibrium. It takes a long time. Only once you have overcome the acuteness of loss and grief can you begin to see things objectively. The first thing you should begin to see is that you will be okay regardless of whether you get back together or not. You might still wish for reconciliation, but now it won't be out of desperation, but out of love, and a conviction that it feels right. And you might enter a fresh stage of pain because you might realize that while you still love her, it's best you two are NOT together. That sucks, too.

 

Yeah, it all sucks. I'm going through it too right now and I can't say it's pleasant, easy, linear, or even fair. It just is and believe me, every part of me fights that fact. But until you level your emotions, you cannot react rationally.

 

Give it time. It's all you can do. To think you have control over anything at this point is a lie a part of you is telling yourself to stave off the pain. It's understandable. Feel all of your feelings, just don't act on them until you truly feel okay with what is, whatever it is. THEN, and only then, if you really think a reconciliation is the way to go, you can take action toward trying to bring that about. Just remember that for a reconciliation to happen, it takes TWO of you wanting it, not just one.

[frankvega]

The best advice I have received, and the best advice I can give, regarding what actions offer the best chance of reconciliation, is to get YOUR head straight. Focus on that, and the right outcomes will follow. When you are in the thick of grief and loss, you can't see the forest for the trees as understandably you are in the thick of wanting whatever it takes to end the pain in the fastest time possible, which is to return to the way things were. Since you can't force that to happen, and what's done is done, you must focus on accepting that this loss is now a part of your reality, with all its incumbent grief and pain.

 

It sucks. But you have to regain your equilibrium. It takes a long time. Only once you have overcome the acuteness of loss and grief can you begin to see things objectively. The first thing you should begin to see is that you will be okay regardless of whether you get back together or not. You might still wish for reconciliation, but now it won't be out of desperation, but out of love, and a conviction that it feels right. And you might enter a fresh stage of pain because you might realize that while you still love her, it's best you two are NOT together. That sucks, too.

 

Yeah, it all sucks. I'm going through it too right now and I can't say it's pleasant, easy, linear, or even fair. It just is and believe me, every part of me fights that fact. But until you level your emotions, you cannot react rationally.

 

Give it time. It's all you can do. To think you have control over anything at this point is a lie a part of you is telling yourself to stave off the pain. It's understandable. Feel all of your feelings, just don't act on them until you truly feel okay with what is, whatever it is. THEN, and only then, if you really think a reconciliation is the way to go, you can take action toward trying to bring that about. Just remember that for a reconciliation to happen, it takes TWO of you wanting it, not just one.

 

Thank you very much, you have no idea how much I appreciate your answer. Thank you.

[flight E]

Truth is a reconciliation is possible but first thing first. You must get over the relationship, if not you will only make matters worse. You have to reach the point where whether you reconcile or you don't it is okay. When you reach that point coupled with the fact that both of you have genuine reason to keep in contact, you may jst be surprised what will happen

[frankvega]

Truth is a reconciliation is possible but first thing first. You must get over the relationship, if not you will only make matters worse. You have to reach the point where whether you reconcile or you don't it is okay. When you reach that point coupled with the fact that both of you have genuine reason to keep in contact, you may jst be surprised what will happen

 

Thank you so much for your advice Flight E I truly appreciate it. Thank you so much for helping others in time of need.