cross culture standards problem

[e093]

Let me start this out by saying that I love my girlfriend. she is sweet, kind, beautiful, trustworthy and supportive. She was a cheerleader at the 2008 beijing olympics (it's shallow, crass, and cocky of me to say, but it illustrates just how beautiful she is.) We have a wonderful relationship and communicate well. That aside i am stressed about how we are currently progressing. I am 21 (almost 22) and my other half is 23. We have been dating on and off for almost 2 years, since we met on my gap year in Beijing. about 8 months ago, we both decided we wanted to commit to a serious relationship full-time, and started getting more serious (meeting her family, etc.)

 

My other half lives in China, and is ethnically Chinese. My family does not care about this, as I spend about 5 months a year in beijing to see her, and plan to move to beijing after I finish school. I am still studying at uni, with 2 years left. We have powered through the whole long-distance deal with some road bumps, but are doing well with it now.

 

I won't go into details here, but marriage standards in China are very different. Girls here seem to want a stable marriage, or at least a fiance who they are more or less hitched to, by the time they turn 26 at the latest. My girlfriend has bluntly told me that if i am getting cold feet, now is the time to end it, because her romantic prospects become much grimmer as she gets "older", and she has no desire to end up an old maid, which is not a fun thing to be in China. There is also sadly a stigma in China against locals girls who have foreign boyfriends, especially if the relationship ends with a breakup. Suffice it to say, if me and her broke up now, she would still have prospects, but if we broke up 2-3 years from now, she would have a bit of a scarlet letter in terms of romance, and would be labeled damaged goods, delinquent, or a "bad" girl by many Chinese.

 

Her family (whom i've met) is pushing her very hard to try to lock me down, but she has not tried to pressure me, and rebuffs her parents pretty abruptly when they try to do this. She is, however, looking for a life partner, not casual dating, and has not concealed this.

 

She usually stays away from this subject, but has recently told me if we continue dating it must be tacitly understood that it will be with the intention to marry, but with no date for a wedding set anytime soon, or even an engagement. All her hometown friends are already married, she originates from semi-rural china though she moved to the city when she was 10, and where she's from, people marry very early, even for China.

 

I am at a huge crossroads right now because while i love her, I don't know if i'm ready to commit to a lifelong monogamous relationship. We have no major relationship problems aside from this issue, and we get along great. I have considered dumping her, but can't bring myself to do it because i feel i may regret it for the rest of my life, but at the same time I don't know if i want to commit myself to one woman (even a gorgeous, intellingent one) at my current age. As is, if i was going to dump her, now has to be the time, as i don't want to hurt her future, but i really don't want to regret this forever.

 

please advise.

Edited July 30, 2014 by e093

[e093]

don't know if this fits here or in the marriage panic area, so ill just post it in both and see if either or gets deleted

 

Let me start this out by saying that I love my girlfriend. she is sweet, kind, beautiful, trustworthy and supportive. She was a cheerleader at the 2008 beijing olympics (it's shallow, crass, and cocky of me to say, but it illustrates just how beautiful she is.) We have a wonderful relationship and communicate well. That aside i am stressed about how we are currently progressing. I am 21 (almost 22) and my other half is 23. We have been dating on and off for almost 2 years. about 8 months ago since we met on my gap year in biejing. We both decided we wanted to commit to a serious relationship full-time, and started getting more serious (meeting her family, etc.)

 

My other half lives in China, and is ethnically Chinese. My family does not care about this, as I spend about 5 months a year in beijing to see her, and plan to move to China after I finish school, regardless of my status wiht this girl. I am still studying at uni, with 2 years left. We have powered through the whole long-distance deal with some road bumps, but are doing well with it now.

 

I won't go into details here, but marriage standards in China are very different. Girls here seem to want a stable marriage, or at least a fiance who they are more or less hitched to, by the time they turn 26 at the latest. My girlfriend has bluntly told me that if i am getting cold feet, now is the time to end it, because her romantic prospects become much grimmer as she gets "older", and she has no desire to end up an old maid, which is not a fun thing to be in China. There is also sadly a stigma in China against locals girls who have foreign boyfriends, especially if the relationship ends with a breakup. Suffice it to say, if me and her broke up now, she would still have prospects, but if we broke up 2-3 years from now, she would have a bit of a scarlet letter in terms of romance, and would be labeled damaged goods, delinquent, or a "bad" girl by many Chinese.

 

Her family (whom i've met) is pushing her very hard to try to lock me down, but she has not tried to pressure me, and rebuffs her parents pretty abruptly when they try to do this. She is, however, looking for a life partner, not casual dating, and has not concealed this.

 

She usually stays away from this subject, but has recently told me if we continue dating it must be tacitly understood that it will be with the intention to marry, but with no date for a wedding set anytime soon, or even an engagement. All her hometown friends are already married, she originates from semi-rural china though she moved to the city when she was 10, and where she's from, people marry very early, even for China.

 

I am at a huge crossroads right now because while i love her, I don't know if i'm ready to commit to a lifelong monogamous relationship. We have no major relationship problems aside from this issue, and we get along great. I have considered dumping her, but can't bring myself to do it because i feel i may regret it for the rest of my life, but at the same time I don't know if i want to commit myself to one woman (even a gorgeous, intellingent one) at my current age. As is, if i was going to dump her, now has to be the time, as i don't want to hurt her future, but i really don't want to regret this forever.

 

please advise.

[WrinkledForehead]

If you have hesitations two years in, then she is not the one for you.

[d0nnivain]

Culturally she made it clear to you where she stands. If you can't commit but getting out now won't have an impact on her but sticking around & dumping her later will hurt her, the choice is clear. You have to give her a fighting chance for the life she wants. Since you can't give it to her by committing now, do the honorable thing & let her go. To to anything else paints you as a selfish jerk who doesn't care about her as much as you profess to.

[Emilia]

I am at a huge crossroads right now because while i love her, I don't know if i'm ready to commit to a lifelong monogamous relationship. We have no major relationship problems aside from this issue, and we get along great. I have considered dumping her, but can't bring myself to do it because i feel i may regret it for the rest of my life, but at the same time I don't know if i want to commit myself to one woman (even a gorgeous, intellingent one) at my current age. As is, if i was going to dump her, now has to be the time, as i don't want to hurt her future, but i really don't want to regret this forever.

 

please advise.

Personally, I think a 21 year-old is far too young to commit to a marriage but it's hard for anyone to make this decision for you.

 

As you are the one that would be moving and it's something you want anyway, I suppose that's not an issue. Making such a big decision at 21 though with so much at stake.... Wouldn't be my thing.

[Gaeta]

On and off for 2 years and you're only 21, it's crazy to ask you to commit now to a marriage down the line. You know how much pressure family put on young women in China, but still, if she wants to date a foreigner she will have to come half way and give you more time, if not then she can go date a Chinese man that will commit right away. That should not be hard with the shortage of women they have in China She will have a wide variety of gentlemen to pick from.

[Zeurich]

If you are sure that you are not ready to settle the best thing is end up this at some point. Later will be more hard for you to deal with this to be honest. Yes I know Chinese are much hard in cultural wise. So better you think exactly what you want and where is stand. Also for your information if you get kids with her then will be more fights regarding feeding kids under Chinese culture even if they live in abroad they are very strict with rules bonded with culture one of my friends going through a hard time with his Chinese wife too now. Last week he said he is fed up now. So you still have time in that sens.

[The Like Fairy]

The pressure in China for young women to get married is insane.

 

I'm no expert but I've read a few articles and I really pity the women there. Their families put huge pressure on them to marry, and the stigma of waiting to marry or not marrying at all, is much more than you and I can possibly comprehend as outsiders.

 

Then there's the whole thing with the unbalanced gender numbers in the population of China, so many more men than women due to the female babies being murdered in the past due to the Chinese government policies of limiting families to only one child, and families wanting a male and murdering the female baby and trying again for a male.

 

The latest trend for rural Chinese men in getting a bride amongst a small number of eligible females, is the farming families kidnap women from nearby countries.

 

Article about that tragic situation

 

These kidnapped women are married (against their will), pregnant (raped) and stuck in rural China in these situations, many times not even able to understand the language (many don't even speak Chinese, often from Cambodia, Vietnam or Thailand). It's a tragic twisted mess.

 

They say there's been a slight bit of improvement in the last 20 years overall of Chinese families in pressuring the daughters to get married , but change is slow, and traditions persist of pressuring women to marry young.

 

The Chinese saying is “jiahan jiahan chuanyi chifan” (嫁汉嫁汉穿衣吃饭)."

 

This traditional saying, meaning “find a man to marry so you can clothe and feed yourself”. Yes, marriage is about survival for women in many parts of the world, China included.

 

Here's an article about it.

 

Then again, I pity women across the world when it comes to options in marriage, maybe Muslim women the most - in strict Muslim countries - where if you don't marry the man your family picks for you, you are literally dead via 'honor killing'.

 

So anyhow, hurry up and decide one way or another. If you can't decide, just move on for her sake.

 

I personally think you want alot more time to live your life and aren't ready for marriage as you stated.

 

I personally would break up with her and move on if you can't commit soon.

 

It's just not fair to her, she is under huge pressure in that society and it will harm her emotionally in the long run, staying in 'limbo' and waiting for you. Best of luck.

Edited July 30, 2014 by The Like Fairy

[edenvegan]

Dear Sir,

 

Allow me to be brief. My response is a question and a comment as follows: Do you believe there is only one person for you to love and spend the rest of your life with? And the word, "dump." You seemed to use this break-up term in a negative way. Perhaps you should change your term to "release" as in to release her (your girlfriend) from this relationship. See the breaking up as a positive thing--as you could find the person you're sure you want to be with and she could find someone new as well. Win-win situation. Or if you believe she is the only person in the world you could ever be with in a long-term monogamous relationship then you already know what to do. Commit and marry. The choice is yours and always has been.

[preraph]

I have to say I'd be very reluctant to make an irreversible move like marriage that will bind you to that country and its crazy customs. As a woman, I would never ever do it. If you remain, you will be forever under her parents' thumb and being pressured to adhere to their rules. I don't see you ever being independent and without conflict there. I don't know where you're from, but you need to take a good hard look at what giving up freedom really means. You have to also be realistic about what she is willing to do just to adhere to convention -- and that is marry someone -- anyone -- just to make her conventional parents happy. I couldn't live with someone who would be okay with that either. You're both too young to have to make this type of decision, and that is exactly why they have kept the marriage age low there: because someone a bit older would never agree to all those demands.

 

Also, you need to ask her straight up about finances after you're married. I have no idea if you're making money there or what, but I assume so. You need to ask her what she envisions happening with the money you (and she if applicable) make and get specific. A friend of mine has been bled dry by an Asian bride who sends all the money she makes out of the country to her family and who also sent his insurance settlement for when he lost his leg in an accident out of the country while he was still in the hospital on big painkillers. Not saying that's the custom there -- but you better find out or you'll find yourself basically supporting the whole family. If she says anything about giving her parents or siblings money -- run for the hills, seriously.

Edited August 28, 2014 by preraph

[e093]

I ended up dumping her shortly after i posted this. i regret doing that to this day, and likely will forever.

[e093]

i ended up dumping her shortly after this post. i regret it to this day, and probably will forever

[BettyDraper]

I ended up dumping her shortly after i posted this. i regret doing that to this day, and likely will forever.

 

Why would you do something that you know you're going to regret?

It would have been better to marry your girlfriend if you knew you would regret ending the relationship.

 

While I agree that 21 is too young for marriage, you knew about your girlfriend's cultural standards from the beginning. If you cannot handle dating and marital customs that are radically different from yours, it's best to date women who also share your cultural values.