Does he, or doesn't he, or am I just delusional??

[scared shy]

Question for any guys out there??

 

I have often heard that males only keep friends that are girls around if they are attracted in some way...

of course there is always exceptions to the rules, but here is the problem, I have this guy friend I have known for 6 years or so, we met and I instantly liked him, you know when you just look over and are like "yeah, ok"

 

So we "saw" eachother or what have you, he slowed it down and said things were moving too fast, fine, we worked together at the time so we often ran into eachother, occasionally hanging out after the talk. I left the job and figured I wouldn't see him again.

 

Well over the years we have ran into eachother often, always picking up where we left off, (never had sex, but fooled around and came very close). So this last time after not speaking for over a year, I finally decided to move on for awhile and dated someone else, that went sour after about a year. So after 6 months or so after my break up I ran into this friend of mine (we have some of the same close friends). It was quite akward at first but gradually we started to hang out again, and wouldn't you know it all those feelings come rushing back...

 

He flirts a little and I guess I do when I let my gaurd down, I try not to though cause I feel he really has the potential to hurt me badly, yes those are my own personal demons.

 

Now the tangled web gets more tangled, he is moving in with a good friend of mine, no nothing is going on between these two, although they do talk about our non-relationship with eachother, which does bother me a little. I am too scared to find out how he feels myself, and I certainly do not want someone else to do the dirty work.

 

Most of my girlfriends say I should just jump him, and maybe I would if I knew for sure he cared liked that... I have texted messaged him that i care for him lots blah blah blah when I have had some serious liquid courage going on, but I have never told him how I felt face to face sober... he has told me he loves me, again drunk. Sometimes it seems though if I don't make the initial contact then he doesn't, or let me put it this way, I call him more than he does me.

 

 

So question, would this guy keep hanging around me and move in with my good friend (he has to be aware I am over there a lot) and he is simply my friend, or is there a chance of maybe more and i should just suck it up and tell him, or is this guy playing head games. Let me finish by saying he did tell my friend, his new roommate, that he was really pissed off when I go together with my now ex. Is this just an ego thing that most all guys seem to harbor?

 

I do apologize for one being so crazy and for such a long post. I am hoping someone can shed some un-biased light on this, it helps to hear things from strangers

[_Saffy_]

hmmmmmmm we are currently in similar situations.....you should read through my post under this section.

 

i know this isnt great advice, but the way i see it is.....it doesnt matter how much he likes you, if, for whatever reason, he doesnt wanna act on it.......theres no point worrying about it.

 

i reached a point where i had to walk away because its hurting so much......i took a gamble and asked him out......i had nothing to lose at this point........and he accepted.

 

you should just go for it too i think.........theres nothing worse than not knowing.

[greeneyedgirl23]

I know what you are going through! I have told Saffy to look under my post from a few days ago, you should too! It is really hard and i still dont know what to do. I think you should try to spend some time with him. Do you ever spend time alone with him? That may give you some more insight on how he feels, by his actions around you.

 

I think it is a good thing that he is moving in with someone where you will be spending a lot of time. Is the person he is moving in with a trustworthy person? I hope so... Maybe she can help the situation!!!

 

You will have to keep me posted, but i say try to spend some one on one time with him!!

[EC]

Your never going to know what happens until you tell him face to fac. He rejects you , you move on. He doesn't you jump him and get it on!!!

 

So simple.

[Merin]

Hmm..

 

Well my take is different I suppose..

 

You've known this guy for 6 years.. things progressed, then he decided it wasn't what he wanted and took things in a different direction.. over the years he's had every opportunity to get something more going with you and hasn't..

 

I don't believe he is moving in with this mutual friend of yours out of the desire to get closer with you.. he already knows how you feel about him and he has done nothing really to encourage that.. even telling you he loves you when he's drinking.. a lot of people tell others that when they've had a few.. this includes people you're FRIENDS with.

 

Bottomline IMO.. messaging ppl when your drunk isn't a good thing.. drunk dialing is a worse thing.. IF you have an interest in this guy then you're going to need to suck it up and talk to him for real.. when you're sober.. let him know you have an interest in him, and see where it goes from there.

 

Good Luck

[scared shy]

_Saffy_

 

Thank you for your reply, can I just ask when you asked your friend out and he replied yes (Congratulations), did you ever ask him why he didn't act on anything if he obviously liked you?

 

I know I really ought to pi** or get off the pot, but it's so darn hard. I think some of the problem is that I am not entirely sure what I want. I know I care, but don't know where I want it to lead...

 

greeneyedgirl23

 

As far as spending time alone with him, yeah we do, we get along just great, we always have a lot of fun. He never hangs out with any other girls as far as I can tell... not that it would matter if he did, I am not delusional enough to think he can't if I like him...

I guess I will just have to face him at some point.

 

Merin

 

I don't think he is moving in with my friend as to get closer to me either, but he has to be aware that I am going to be over there, that's all I was saying, so I guess I should just learn to live with the fact that at least we are friends huh. Thank you all so much for your input, I truly do appreciate it!!

[scared shy]

I have only posted once before, and that was on the friends to lovers...

you can read the longer story there for more background...

I have known this guy for 6 years, in the beginning we dated or as close to dating as you can be, he put a stop to it, we never went all the way, darn close but never...but we worked together so we would see eachother and he would want to hang out again after he gave me the talk...

 

 

over the last 6 years we have lost contact and always ran into eachother again, we also have some mutual friends, well every time I run into him again all those same feelings come back, he is very aloof often and does not deal with confrontation as neither do I when it comes to matters of the heart.

 

 

So last week he moved in with my best friend, and no nothing is going on between then and yes I know for sure nothing ever will... my friend said she knows we both care about eachother a lot and would never let anyone/anything hurt eachother, which of course is true at least on my end. She told me along with other mutual friends we should just do it and get it over with, there is a lot of sexual tension!!! Why won't he make the 1st move?

 

 

My question I guess is, although we hang out and he does get jealous when other males are brought up, not by me, I know that's the not the way to get a guy, but my friend/his roommate brings up other males to get a reaction from him, and when we do go out he is very protective of me, so does he care for me like lover or just a really good friend.

 

 

I would feel very uncomfortable making the first move and him be all offended, I know we would still be friends but if some males could give me perspective that would be awesome.

[SinceIvebeenlovingU]

He obviously won't ever make a move and if you have nothing to lose...you might as well try and make the move...no...I know my ex made the moves on me...especially since originally i wasn't that into her at all...and now here i'am wondering how she is doing while we weren't really that compatiable in the first place...so yeah just make the first move...you never know unless you try

[scared shy]

SinceIvebeenlovingU

 

thanks for the responce, however, I am a bit confused...

 

you said your ex made the moves on you because you weren't that interested, is that what you were trying to say about my situation...

 

I would not want to make the move if he is not at all interested. I know I have to mean something even if it is just a good friend, but he doesn't hang out with any girls, he does party a lot but with his buddies, sometimes I go out with him and his buddies, generally not my idea of fun, but spending time with him is more important than the actual activity....

 

I guess what I was looking for was some brutal honesty, from guys, on what would make a guy act this way... is it that common ailment of CP? or am I way delusional thinking he feels the same as I do, he is just to shy as so am I, not wanting to get hurt by eachother anymore... I only mean drifting in and out of eachothers lives. We have never been horrible to eachother as far as harsh words or things you can never take back once they are said

[SleepingLover]

Well there could be two reasons why he is not making the first move.

 

It could be out of respect for you. I do this often, so I usually end up with girfriends whom are more sexually aggressive than I am because I tend to be slow on the move ... a "slo hand " so to speak heheh. It is usually because I do not want to appear pushy or pressuring. For young men this can be an obstacle in a relationship. It becomes better as they get older and learn how to respond to certain body language and chemistry. I am stilll a bit slo to move, but I know when the time is right to make my move, now.

 

The other reason could be one that you don't really want to hear. But you mentioned it yourself. Perhaps his respect for you is as a very close friend. Maybe he doesn't want to jeopardize your friendship. Contrary to popular belief, we males are not entirely sex crazed maniacs, LOL. Many of us do have a line we won't cross.

 

I think it would be good for the both of you to get together without any friends around so you can discuss where you stand in your relationship. At this point, it sounds like a friendship, but can it go a step further? Take a bit of an agressive stance here, don't wait for it to happen or you may be waiting a mighty long time. You need to find out now and if he can't go that extra step, then you need to move on as far as finding someone whom will be a romantic companion. If that is what you are seeking.

[SuperFantastico]

There is a point when you like a girl that a social barrier is put up(friend zone) On and off for 6 years and for whatever reason you both havnt got together(not in the biblical sense, im talking about relationships). If i were in his shoes i wouldnt even bother trying to get with you. I would think you werent interested. I WOULD be jelouse of this ex who got together with the hot chick i liked......then again im crazy

 

Feel it out a bit, and I belive if you want things to move forward, YOU are the one who has to make the first move. If there is any kind of man left in there he will make the rest

 

Even if you guys have messed around in the past, after a while that confidence "ice break zone" is gone(god i love quotations """""). Its like not driving a car for a couple of years. You get nervous even though you know full well you know how to drive...maybe a bicycle...and you are rusty. Just need that push.

 

Does any of this make sense?

 

P.S. Jump his bones

[scared shy]

SuperFantastico

 

hey thanx for your reply!! I don't really know what you mean about the social barrier thing...

but the rest is cool. Man I am more like a rusty unicycle (I never learned how to ride one of those...)

it sucks that I have to be the one to break the ice. I am just so scared, and fear that rejection like you would not believe.

How would one go about feeling things out without being totally obvious, I mean he really can read me like an open book, so I will have to be super smooth...

 

 

I would love to think that he keeps me around cause i do mean a lot to him, but he has told friends that we are just friends, and he cares for me a lot, then we will be out drinking and someone will say hey I wanna see you kiss (me) and he will. Yes the good old liquid courage... maybe I should just drink till my lips turn blue and make the moves, then if he rejects me, I promptly leave go to the bathroom, throw up and blame all my actions on the alcohol...

 

One more question, with the whole jealousy thing, it's never a good thing, I know that, however, I get insanely jealous if I think he is hanging out with girls, I never act out on it or he doesn't know, but I care for him like that, so would it be wishful thinking to assume he is jealous because he cares like that, or it's just ID taking over...???

[scared shy]

So I just wanted to update and still need advice please...

so since my last post, friend has moved in with my friend and now calls me all the time, and gets jealous when I speak of other males. I went on vacation not too long ago and he and my friend he lives with had some people over (all girls) and apparently they were all over him. My friend asked if any of the girls there had ever heard of me and that I was her best freind. They had and in fact he had told them I was his ex...

at no time ever did I think we were boyfriend and girlfriend, so much for open communication huh? Anyhoo, my friend explained no they were never boyfriend and girlfriend, they are more like "twisted soulmates", he was listening to this and agreed with her statement... wtf???

So my company is having a company gathering at the beach in a few weeks, and I was telling both my friend and the "ex", and he jumped at the chance to go with me, I wasn;t offering, I was just telling them that my company was doing this... like I said he jumped at the chance to go with me, knowing we will be sharing a hotel room/bed and together for 3 days w/o any other presence...

so is this soemthing to look forward to, or am I still just wishful thinking? I know when i posted originally people all said sorry hon, he has had all this time to do something but hasn't, so what to do?

[blue16]

hmmm....so he

 

1. says he loves you when he's drunk (all being drunk does is lower your inhibitions, every girl I've hit on when I was drunk I've atleast subconsciously been attracted to)

 

2. says you are 'twisted soulmates'. All that really means in my opinion is that you two belong together, but for trivial reasons such as miscommunication, or other external factors at the time, you two never ended up a couple. I would love a 2nd chance with these type of girls, unfortunately the opporunity rarely arises. You have this chance.

 

3. gets very jealous when other males are mentioned relating to you. I think this is one of the biggest signs. I have a few girl friends, and when they tell me about a guy that hit on them, or a guy she liked that asked them out, I don't get jealous at all and I am happy for them. Now if I see a girl I am interested in talking with some other guy...I can't help but get jealous even if it is a friendly conversation.

 

4. jumps at the chance to sleep with in the same bed with you on a company trip. Since when do guys who aren't attracted to a girl desperately want to be in the same bed with them?

 

As soon as you enter the hotel room, push him up against the wall and tongue him down. Case closed.

 

Good luck.

[Kaotic Dizaster]

I think Blue raises some good points ... This guy has probably been just as confused as you all this time not knowing how you felt about him .. Communication is so important in all relationships , because then you 2 may not have had to wait this long ... then again maybe it is good you have waited this long , hard to say .

 

All I know is GO FOR IT GIRL! Have fun and keep us posted !

[scared shy]

Hey there guys...

UPDATE!!

So we went to the beach and we had an awesome time!! We didn't do anything physical, well we wrestled around a little and then he made out to kiss me, but then decided against it, and then we were so messed up in the evening that well passing out was the best thing to do...

 

So we did have a few heart to hearts, he asked me what my most recent biggest regret was, I asked if he wanted me to be completely honest, I told him it was being with the ex... (yes I learned a lot, but it was horrible and ruined an awesome friendship between a few people...) So he tells me his last regret was making out with some girl (who I can not stand) at a party we were at about 9 months ago, funny thing is, we were like glued to eachother at this party... so we already know I like him, I get very jealous, I think I was able to hide most of it from, cause honestly it's not considered an attribute IMO. So I call the friend who's party it was and this never happened... so not only did he make something up, he made something up that I could very easily check on... WHY?

 

Why must we keep playing these games, I mean don't get me wrong, the chase is awesome... but we really do act like a bunch of 5 year olds... he has some addiction problems, and I really don't want to step into that head on. Don't get me wrong, I know I love him... I have for awhile and that's why these feelings just won't go away, and I can't expect him to want to rush forward if I don't want too, right?

 

So bottom line guys, would you wait for that special person? I have no problem waiting because I know I feel a click with him, or something maybe click isn't the right word... but I hope he feels the click too and is waiting for me like I am him... sorry for rambling!

[Kaotic Dizaster]

Well what can be said ?? At least you had a great time . As for the waiting part , I have been there for many years and the guy I was waiting for always said the timing wasn't right , well needless to say I got tired of that and decided it was time to move on ... now mind you we have been friends for 20+ yrs and intimate for 5+ yrs . And for the whole time we have been intimate I have been waiting for him to want to be with me , well it hasn't happened so I chose to give up on that FANTASY and thats just what it is , because he won't ever settle down with me . We are still friends but its nothing like it use to be but at least we stay in contact . But on a happy note the moment I decided to give up someone new walked into my life and he is a really sweet guy that has made me crave that thing I have been missing for so long .. which is something new and exciting and scary all at once . Now my point is .... don't wait forever because you will have regrets if you do . If it would be meant to be then in the future it will happen but don't put your life on hold waiting just in case it don't .... Good Luck!

[mental_traveller]

This is extremely simple - you are destined for each other but neither of you has any balls, so you haven't made a proper play. You're farting around worrying about trivial BS, instead of jumping each other and making a go of it. I see this all the time when two passive people like each other.

 

Instead of faffing about with more posts or worrying, just get the guy out, get him a bit drunk, and tell him you have a major thing for him. Tell him stop being such an ass and just go out with you and let it turn into something serious if that's what's meant to be. Anything else is just a wussy cop out. If you don't do this, then you deserve all the misery and heartache that you're almost certainly going to get.

 

Someone said "piss or get off the pot". That's a pretty good summary of this situation. Six years, good god! Get a grip and do something.

 

Good luck, and let us know how it goes.

[HoneyWheat]

how old are you? How old is he?

 

did he ever ask you out on a real date?

 

how many times did he ask you out on a real date?

 

how many of these dates did you actually accept?

 

how many of these dates actually were followed through on?

[scared shy]

Honeywheat

 

I am 26 and he is 27,

Yes we dated like 6 years ago, and have come in and out of eachothers lives ever since...

It was for about 4 or 5 months, I considered this dating (and no we did not engage in pre-marital sex... )

apparently he considered it bf/gf, as that's what I hear from people he knows that meet me for the first time, or mutual friends have said this to me...

[HoneyWheat]

ok so you two were in college and went on group dates or one on one?

 

you were 20 and he was 21

 

how many actual dates did you have?

 

and was he this wishy washy back then too?

[scared shy]

He was 21 and I was 20 when we first met, we met at work...

I know I should not mix business with pleasure, but it was a rather large company so we were in completely different departments, did not see eachother unless we wanted too.

We went out one on one most of the time, but sometimes we would hang out in group setting...

friends from work and what have you.

No he was not always that wishy washy, at first it was really fast paced and it was almost too good, so he had a tak with me that he just wasn't ready... OK, it wasn't like we were "married" hahaha little humor.

 

So then we kept our distance, more because me ego was bruised I think, but then about a month later he e-mails me to hang out again... so I tell him how his talk with me last time nicked a little, we talk and everything goes back to like it was before but it's just this really hush hush unspoken thing...

 

We end up slowly drifting apart and I left the company. So we don't talk for like 4 months, then I am takling to a mutual friend of ours that still worked there with him, then we hook back up for a little while. Things again drift away after a few months, the next time we don't talk is for a year, then we run into eachother and start back up like nothing ever happened... then we have a serious falling out about a year later and then don't talk for another 1 1/2. I have now been talking and hanging out for another year.

 

I guess I should explain this whole time before he was into meth. Need I say anymore? So he has been clean for a few years, ever since the last time we stopped talking. So when I say I am a little Scared shy, this is why? I heard when you love someone, you see all their faults but love them irregardless, that's how I feel, but I am not knowingly walking into something very bad. Not to say he is doing drugs, but he does party pretty tough, and I think he needs to grow up and so do I, before I want to take that plunge...

[HoneyWheat]

hmmm...all that background kinda changes what i was thinking...so its hard to tell now

 

sometimes we fool ourselves because we want something so bad or we think something is real when it isn't because we want to believe it so bad

 

but there is a saying that "you will know." i believe this to be true.

 

i believe that this guy is not the one.

 

he has a problem with communicating..he is afraid of feelings.

 

i think its safe to say he has mixed feelings

 

i think he knows he is attracted to you...and wants something to happen...sexually....but he also knows he doesn't love in a marrying kind of way...so he backs off...because he likes you and doesn;t want to hurt you

 

if he thought you were open to a fling or a one night stand i think he'd go for it...and that would be the end of it

 

i don't think he could handle the morning after...i think he'd run and freak...which would be hurtful and humiliating to you no doubt

 

i think if you were open to a one night stand even for a moment he would be tempted to take advantage of it but he won't make the first move...he would want you to do it...because if he makes the first move...he believes you would humiliate him by rejecting him

 

even if you showed openness to the possibility

 

 

for you yourself...i think it is not something you would feel comfortable with....i can tell you are not comfortable with him... and that you also feel awkward....

 

i honestly don't see you initiating anything with him....because you are waiting for him to do it

 

and i don't see him initiating anything with you...becuase he is waiting for you to do it...

 

so you two are at an impasse...a standoff so to speak

 

you both hesitate...you both move forward and move back...its kinda like a dance...but you havn't met up...there is an emotional distance between you two

 

i really don't think he is the right one for you...

 

i wouldn't want a man who hesitated this much and dragged his feet....that is how i know he;s not the one

[HoneyWheat]

so yes

 

i think your delusional

 

you have a problem facing reality

[scared shy]

I appreciate what you have to say, but honestly you brought up the point, that you will know if they are the one, and that's how I feel, I just don't feel the time is right and it goes back to the what if he doesn't feel the same??

 

I guess I will just see how it goes, maybe I will try that communication thing.