Leilah Posted July 30, 2014 Share Posted July 30, 2014 I have a bit of an odd situation. My ex of two years dumped me after acting strange for a few weeks. He basically ignored me and disappeared for days at a time. Anyway, after being dumped, I didn't speak to him for a month, and he finally contacted me, begging to be friends and saying how he needed me to be a part of his life. We started out as friends, and he kept making comments about how much his parents adored me and how good of a couple we made. However, at the same time, he implied that he no longer loved me. (Basically, I asked him if he still loved me, and his response was, "That's not fair to ask"). A few days ago, he asked me to be his girlfriend again. So, here's my question. Why rekindle an old relationship if you no longer love them? Normally, you have guys say they still love you, but then they don't want a relationship... But my situation is reversed. So confusing. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted July 30, 2014 Share Posted July 30, 2014 That is a very good question. Why indeed? And one for you... why are you considering rekindling an old relationship with someone who no longer loves you? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Emilia Posted July 30, 2014 Share Posted July 30, 2014 I have a bit of an odd situation. My ex of two years dumped me after acting strange for a few weeks. He basically ignored me and disappeared for days at a time. Anyway, after being dumped, I didn't speak to him for a month, and he finally contacted me, begging to be friends and saying how he needed me to be a part of his life. Do you think he was seeing someone else and it didn't work out? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Leilah Posted July 30, 2014 Author Share Posted July 30, 2014 That is a very good question. Why indeed? And one for you... why are you considering rekindling an old relationship with someone who no longer loves you? Despite how he feels and how he ended things, I still love him dearly. It's more of a disconnect between my logic and feelings. Logic tells me there is something amiss here, but my feelings want me to embrace the opportunity instead of regretting it. Do you think he was seeing someone else and it didn't work out? I did consider that, but I'm not entirely sure. We weren't living together, and he would always say he was busy with "work". Of course, I grew a tad bit insecure. I asked him whether he was losing interest, and he grew unnecessarily angry with me and called me "clingy". I can see how me being insecure would make me appear clingy, but we were really only talking once every few days. So, I still don't quite understand. He dumped me about a week later after that incident. That's when I decided to drop all contact with him. Link to post Share on other sites
Tbisb74 Posted July 30, 2014 Share Posted July 30, 2014 Five words: Please - Listen - to - your - head. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
mammasita Posted July 30, 2014 Share Posted July 30, 2014 Without knowing what's really going on, its hard to just walk away....but in all honestly you do not deserve to be taken on this ride. You're available when he wants and dismisses you when you need support. I say hell no. Not how a relationship should work. Link to post Share on other sites
Michelle ma Belle Posted July 30, 2014 Share Posted July 30, 2014 I'm curious about why you broke up in the first place. You say it's because you "acted strange for a couple of weeks" and subsequently he dumped your a** after 2 years together? Really? Am I the only one that finds this odd? Link to post Share on other sites
Smilecharmer Posted July 30, 2014 Share Posted July 30, 2014 What is the point of devoting your time and energy to someone who not only dumped you and disappeared, but also doesn't love you? In two years, he knows how he feels. It sounds like you are a convenient gf for sex and/or his family's approval. Instead I would heal, move on and find a guy who thinks I am his entire world. Don't waste time or energy on things that aren't amazing. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Leilah Posted July 30, 2014 Author Share Posted July 30, 2014 Five words: Please - Listen - to - your - head. Yes, you're absolutely, but do you think I'm being a tad bit paranoid? Without knowing what's really going on, its hard to just walk away....but in all honestly you do not deserve to be taken on this ride. You're available when he wants and dismisses you when you need support. I say hell no. Not how a relationship should work. It is hard to just walk away, and I can't think of a positive reason why someone would rekindle a relationship without love. Literally, the only explanation I can think of is if they needed something whether it be money, emotional support, etc. In other words, something that I have to give willingly, knowing I won't receive anything in return. But why move up from friends? He knows I am available for him as friends (well, not romantically as friends)... Link to post Share on other sites
lacoqueta Posted July 30, 2014 Share Posted July 30, 2014 I have a bit of an odd situation. My ex of two years dumped me after acting strange for a few weeks. He basically ignored me and disappeared for days at a time. Anyway, after being dumped, I didn't speak to him for a month, and he finally contacted me, begging to be friends and saying how he needed me to be a part of his life. We started out as friends, and he kept making comments about how much his parents adored me and how good of a couple we made. However, at the same time, he implied that he no longer loved me. (Basically, I asked him if he still loved me, and his response was, "That's not fair to ask"). A few days ago, he asked me to be his girlfriend again. So, here's my question. Why rekindle an old relationship if you no longer love them? Normally, you have guys say they still love you, but then they don't want a relationship... But my situation is reversed. So confusing. This sounds exactly like a guy I know. He got a long really well with a girl, had romantic feelings for her, she was his best friend but something about her made him feel like he was settling. He disappeared off the map when someone "better" came along. Well when that didn't work out, guess who reappeared? Mr. Heartbreaker. He began his story the same way your ex is.....telling you all these wonderful things about the kind of couple y'all made and how he'd like to try again but with no expectations of love. Guess where her butt ended up? Dumped again! He ended up with someone "better" in his eyes. I suspect he's using you as a filler and you deserve way better! Link to post Share on other sites
blackfire Posted July 30, 2014 Share Posted July 30, 2014 I have a bit of an odd situation. My ex of two years dumped me after acting strange for a few weeks. He basically ignored me and disappeared for days at a time. Anyway, after being dumped, I didn't speak to him for a month, and he finally contacted me, begging to be friends and saying how he needed me to be a part of his life. We started out as friends, and he kept making comments about how much his parents adored me and how good of a couple we made. However, at the same time, he implied that he no longer loved me. (Basically, I asked him if he still loved me, and his response was, "That's not fair to ask"). A few days ago, he asked me to be his girlfriend again. So, here's my question. Why rekindle an old relationship if you no longer love them? Normally, you have guys say they still love you, but then they don't want a relationship... But my situation is reversed. So confusing. im sorry to hear that... but that's not tricky at all. he's using one of the oldest tricks in the book, toying w/ u(making sure u cant move on as well as keeping u at a distance). that's really an ******* move and its very asinine of to try to pull it on u... don't let him do that cause then you'll want to hurt him back 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Leilah Posted July 30, 2014 Author Share Posted July 30, 2014 (edited) I'm curious about why you broke up in the first place. You say it's because you "acted strange for a couple of weeks" and subsequently he dumped your a** after 2 years together? Really? Am I the only one that finds this odd? Okay. Here I go with details. We dated for about a year before he decided to join the military. At the time, I was in school for my bachelors, and he didn't really have any sort of direction in his life. His father was abusive growing up, and he had moved away to another state to get away when he graduated high school for three years. He eventually came back, because his ex who he was living with had cheated on him, and he didn't have the money to live on his own. Anyway, that's when he met me, and we hit it off fairly quickly. He stuck to me like glue, and I'll say at the time, he was fairly clingy himself. Anyway, he joined the army, and I stuck with him through basic and ait. I could tell he was changing, because he seemed grumpy all the time and stressed. Then, he moved to his first base where he started to grow more distant. He would frequently accuse me of cheating (and I figured it was because of his past), and he would constantly pick little fights with me. As embarrassing as this is to say, he also decided he wanted to marry me, got my parents involved, and then "changed" his mind. He told me he wanted to see how I behaved during his first deployment before he could commit. Our communication went from talking every day to once every three days. Then, I asked him if he was losing interest, because things had clearly changed. That's when he called me "clingy", ignored me for a week, and then dumped me. What is the point of devoting your time and energy to someone who not only dumped you and disappeared, but also doesn't love you? In two years, he knows how he feels. It sounds like you are a convenient gf for sex and/or his family's approval. Instead I would heal, move on and find a guy who thinks I am his entire world. Don't waste time or energy on things that aren't amazing. You're right. He should know how he feels.. Perhaps he's back, because I'm now making quite a lot of money at my first job and he's always struggled with money related issues. I don't know why I am wasting my time. He has had such a difficult life, and I want to help him. It's that womanly instinct I guess. Edited July 30, 2014 by Leilah Link to post Share on other sites
me85 Posted July 30, 2014 Share Posted July 30, 2014 (edited) This is just retarded. Not you, your poor situation. & it sounds sort of familiar...except my situation was reversed, the whole "I love you very much, I just want to screw other people and use you as a backup." nonsense. He may be feeling the pressure of the "2 year mark." You know, thinking about where your RS is headed...marriage...is he ready, are you ready? Maybe this is what's going on in his mind: "My family really loves her, but do I really?? Even though we make a great couple, I just don't know...I'm really confused." I say you tell him how you feel about him and ask him how he feels about you. If he doesn't love you after 2 years then you shouldn't be boyfriend and girlfriend. Edited July 30, 2014 by me85 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Leilah Posted July 30, 2014 Author Share Posted July 30, 2014 This sounds exactly like a guy I know. He got a long really well with a girl, had romantic feelings for her, she was his best friend but something about her made him feel like he was settling. He disappeared off the map when someone "better" came along. Well when that didn't work out, guess who reappeared? Mr. Heartbreaker. He began his story the same way your ex is.....telling you all these wonderful things about the kind of couple y'all made and how he'd like to try again but with no expectations of love. Guess where her butt ended up? Dumped again! He ended up with someone "better" in his eyes. I suspect he's using you as a filler and you deserve way better! I think you hit the nail square on the head. This is exactly how I feel about the situation, and you've confirmed it. I'm still struggling through the heartbreak, but I don't think I could handle being dumped yet again. im sorry to hear that... but that's not tricky at all. he's using one of the oldest tricks in the book, toying w/ u(making sure u cant move on as well as keeping u at a distance). that's really an ******* move and its very asinine of to try to pull it on u... don't let him do that cause then you'll want to hurt him back I'm a very gently person, and despite what he's done, I'd never want to hurt him. I should actually feel sorry for him more than anything.. But it looks like the consensus is I should move forward with my life and not look back. I want to be happy and not held down by doubt! This is just retarded. Not you, your poor situation. & it sounds sort of familiar...except my situation was reversed, the whole "I love you very much, I just want to screw other people and use you as a backup." nonsense. He may be feeling the pressure of the "2 year mark." You know, thinking about where your RS is headed...marriage...is he ready, are you ready? Maybe this is what's going on in his mind: "My family really loves her, but do I really?? Even though we make a great couple, I just don't know...I'm really confused." I say you tell him how you feel about him and ask him how he feels about you. If he doesn't love you after 2 years then you shouldn't be boyfriend and girlfriend. I think he did get cold feet, and I was extremely hurt because of it. It seems like he would string me along with the hope of a relationship rather than actually committing to relationship. I guess it's like what every one is saying. It's to ensure that I definitely don't move forward. Link to post Share on other sites
Tbisb74 Posted July 30, 2014 Share Posted July 30, 2014 Yes, I think folks here is right: You need to drop this hot potato, and move on. I think, if I were you - and of course, I am not, so this is purely subjective - I would say to him: "I would not dream of resuming a relationship with anyone who does not love me heart, mind and soul, to the ends of the earth. If you cannot profess such love for me, you need to find someone who makes you feel that way, as must I. And it obviously isn't you. Please do not contact me any more, and be advised, I am blocking all manner and ways for you to contact me. Have a good life." But that's up to you... 3 Link to post Share on other sites
me85 Posted July 30, 2014 Share Posted July 30, 2014 I think he did get cold feet, and I was extremely hurt because of it. It seems like he would string me along with the hope of a relationship rather than actually committing to relationship. I guess it's like what every one is saying. It's to ensure that I definitely don't move forward. That's exactly what it is, I'm afraid. So what are you going to do? Link to post Share on other sites
redbaron005 Posted July 30, 2014 Share Posted July 30, 2014 I have a bit of an odd situation. My ex of two years dumped me after acting strange for a few weeks. He basically ignored me and disappeared for days at a time. Anyway, after being dumped, I didn't speak to him for a month, and he finally contacted me, begging to be friends and saying how he needed me to be a part of his life. We started out as friends, and he kept making comments about how much his parents adored me and how good of a couple we made. However, at the same time, he implied that he no longer loved me. (Basically, I asked him if he still loved me, and his response was, "That's not fair to ask"). A few days ago, he asked me to be his girlfriend again. So, here's my question. Why rekindle an old relationship if you no longer love them? Normally, you have guys say they still love you, but then they don't want a relationship... But my situation is reversed. So confusing. He didn't say he didn't love you. I think he is absolutely right to be taken a back by this question. Just tell him how you feel about his response, and that you are willing to work towards a mutual love if he is if you want to get back together. Link to post Share on other sites
me85 Posted July 30, 2014 Share Posted July 30, 2014 He didn't say he didn't love you. I think he is absolutely right to be taken a back by this question. Just tell him how you feel about his response, and that you are willing to work towards a mutual love if he is if you want to get back together. I thought about that too but he didn't say he did love her either... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
redbaron005 Posted July 30, 2014 Share Posted July 30, 2014 I thought about that too but he didn't say he did love her either... True. I was thinking though if I were in his spot, and I made a mistake saying that might put to much pressure on the situation. He might also just have a different definition of love than her, and I think she shouldn't just assume it isn't there. Open communication and forgiveness are the order of the day if she wants this relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Leilah Posted July 30, 2014 Author Share Posted July 30, 2014 Yes, I think folks here is right: You need to drop this hot potato, and move on. I think, if I were you - and of course, I am not, so this is purely subjective - I would say to him: "I would not dream of resuming a relationship with anyone who does not love me heart, mind and soul, to the ends of the earth. If you cannot profess such love for me, you need to find someone who makes you feel that way, as must I. And it obviously isn't you. Please do not contact me any more, and be advised, I am blocking all manner and ways for you to contact me. Have a good life." But that's up to you... That's essentially what I did when he first broke up with me. Well, I mean I told him not to contact me, and I blocked him on quite a few things except on my Steam account. So, that's how he was able to reach me when he finally had access to a computer. That's exactly what it is, I'm afraid. So what are you going to do? I'll wait a week or so to see exactly what he wants, and then I'll probably resume no contact. I still missed him terribly, but at least with no contact, I felt like I was making progress towards moving on. He didn't say he didn't love you. I think he is absolutely right to be taken a back by this question. Just tell him how you feel about his response, and that you are willing to work towards a mutual love if he is if you want to get back together. I felt like it was a valid question. He said quite a few sweet things to me, but not once did he say that he still loved me. He was so adamant about being friends at first too, but for some reason, he changed his mind and asked me to be his girlfriend. I hate answers that are up to interpretation. I'd prefer if he'd just tell me "no" rather than giving me an answer that leaves me in limbo. Link to post Share on other sites
redbaron005 Posted July 30, 2014 Share Posted July 30, 2014 I felt like it was a valid question. He said quite a few sweet things to me, but not once did he say that he still loved me. He was so adamant about being friends at first too, but for some reason, he changed his mind and asked me to be his girlfriend. I hate answers that are up to interpretation. I'd prefer if he'd just tell me "no" rather than giving me an answer that leaves me in limbo. It is valid, no arguments there. I'm just saying love might be synonymous with marriage for him or might mean something totally different than it does to you. I think it's worth a second shot, and have the love conversation later down the line. It's honestly a bit scary/risky to open his heart up like that. Link to post Share on other sites
me85 Posted July 30, 2014 Share Posted July 30, 2014 It is valid, no arguments there. I'm just saying love might be synonymous with marriage for him or might mean something totally different than it does to you. I think it's worth a second shot, and have the love conversation later down the line. It's honestly a bit scary/risky to open his heart up like that. They've been together for 2 years... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Leilah Posted July 30, 2014 Author Share Posted July 30, 2014 It is valid, no arguments there. I'm just saying love might be synonymous with marriage for him or might mean something totally different than it does to you. I think it's worth a second shot, and have the love conversation later down the line. It's honestly a bit scary/risky to open his heart up like that. I can see your point of view based on his past. Like I said in one of my responses, his father was abusive when he was growing up. His father struggled with alcohol and even cheated on his mother, and it caused of lot of anger to develop within his family. His parents are still together, but that could be part of the reason he struggled with the idea of marrying me. He saw all the turmoil his parents went through, and he's scared (I don't know that for sure, but it's a possibility). His father has changed immensely though, and he actually seems like a decent guy. His parents even told me that I was the first girl he's ever brought home for them to meet. They've been together for 2 years... I know.. That's why I can see two sides to the coin. I don't believe he'd be the kind of person to use me, but then again, I thought he loved me. It's quite confusing. Link to post Share on other sites
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