Does ANYONE Successfully Overcome Cheating?

[bubblygrl5]

I, unfortunately, have been the victim of a cheating bf. It happened 2 yrs. ago, when he went on a post-college graduation vacation. In my gut I felt like he was cheating...in fact, I had a nightmare the night it happened! Pretty crazy. Anyway, he came back and told me it was the HUGEST mistake of his life. I guess I was just relieved or something...so I took him back. We went throught A LOT of problems...but we got over it remarkably well. And he's really a wonderful guy now...and at the age of 25...we're really serious about each other. If the cheating hadn't happened, I would say without a doubt that I would marry him tomorrow.

 

BUT, I still relapse every once in awhile...like tonight. We watched a movie...and someone was unfaithful...and I got really cold and pulled back...and I just didnt want to be held by him. In fact, I asked if he would please sleep outside, I was having a bad night. He knows what that means, and he went to the couch.

 

So, I'm sitting here wondering if I should have gotten out 2 years ago. Am I just not over this...or is nobody every FULLY over such a traumatic experience?

 

I know in my heart that he has changed...we have both grown...but I can't let go of the past, and his blatant disregard for me 2 yrs. ago. It's not a daily thing I go through, but some days, it is really bad.

 

Anyone experience anything similar?

 

Bubbly

[Cecelius]

I don't know that there is any getting over it, at least as far as I can see it. Once someone cheats, their partner and all future partners know that no matter how great they are, they have that much more succeptibility to cheating than someone else would.

 

To complicate things, in your situation you've added a few more years to the relationship, so if you start thinking about ending it, people/your b/f/you start saying to yourself that your time to object/cut and run was 2 years past. Eventually, even the cheater gets irritated that you are not over it.

 

That's why my usual view is that if it happens, the relationship is done and should be walked away from.

 

Your situation may be different -- if you are interested in working it out and trying to get over it, recognize that it's your thing to get over, as you see fit. It only needs to bug you as much as you want it to.

 

I would also counsel myself that when its a mere reminder of the act (like a movie) that is just a reminder of the occurrence, and not a new incident with power over you.

[SueBee]

I can totally understand what you are going through.

 

I found out my "current" husband was cheating on me the whole time we were dating and even engaged and I didn't know about it!! I found out in Jan 2003 that he had been cheating on me all through our dating. We started dating in 2000 and married Sept 2002. I would have NEVER married him had I known he was cheating. I wouldn't have even continued to date him had i known!!! I'm still not over it and don't think i will be because, like you, I don't believe he is cheating now but my anger and sadness come up when I think about his blatant disregard and disrespect for me that whole time he was cheating. Some of the women he dated knew about me (he told them he was unhappy with me). Then what really hurts are the ones I found out about who knew nothing about me at all as if i didn't exist - that really hurt. They knew about his kids, his sorrow at being divorced, his whole family and his job - but they knew NOTHING about me. I felt like he could actually go about his life and live it up and do it as though I didn't exist.

 

So I'm not sure you can get over it - I sure haven't and in fact the more I've stewed about it these 2yrs, the madder I get that he would use me like that. I think we will end up divorced even though he seems sorry because i just can't get over the fact that he would hurt me so deeply.

[Hund1976]

I think people can cheat, realize it was wrong and never do it again. Whether you can ever get over it or not is up to you.

[Hep]

I tried for 2 years to get over it AND I COULDN'T. You might be able to, but it will always be on your mind. Obviously you married him, and that was one of the BIG reasons right?? (HE WAS FAITHFUL) But now that he has crossed over that line, he's not really who you thought he was. Men have temptation to cheat everyday..... BUT they do have the power to say NO. There is someone out there who will never RISK LOSING YOU!!! Good luck to you.

[Owl]

I guess it depends on what you mean by "getting over it".

 

Will your relationship ever get back to exactly what it was before? No. Realize that you learned things about your BF and your relationship that can't be taken back. Before this happened, you were under the belief that your relationship was "special"...that it was immune to something like this happening. ALL of us have that belief when we have a major relationship, especially our first ones.

 

But the cheating changed that. You have learned that there is nothing "special" about your relationship that will prevent this from happening. You've learned that someone who loves you can and will lie to you and do things just for themselves, KNOWING that it will hurt you.

 

Does that mean your relationship won't get better? No. It does mean that you're both going to have to work harder at your relationship, and how you deal with each other more than you did before the infidelity. Your SO is going to have to work harder to make sure that YOU know that he's faithful...you won't just accept that as fact any longer. You're going to have to work harder at trusting...it's not just a given anymore. BUT...with all that increased caring and communication, if you both work at it, your relationship CAN get stronger.

 

My wife had an online emotional affair 10 months ago. We're in better straights now than we were a year ago. It CAN be done...but it's gonna take work.

[iceisles]

I will never forgive my ex for cheating on me. Even forgiveness has its limits. She can kiss my a$$.

[Mustique]

For me, there is no getting over it. I was cheated almost a year ago. My BF told me about it a couple months after he had done it. I was shocked of course, but i couldnt let him go. So i stayed, and am with him still.

 

We have had our preblems, every now and then. But still we get along well. Like you, for ex. when i see someone cheating on tv series or so, i get cold. these horror scenes come to my mind. I see my bF and this other woman. This sometimes happens when i'm with him, and like you, i cant be near him. Just cant.

 

I trust him now. He sais he wouldnt cheat on me again, and i believe him.

 

But i cant help that once in a while i remember what he did. Though i wouldnt want to.

[reservoirdog1]

Well said, iceisles.

 

Can't remember where I heard it, but somebody once said that you never get over being cheated on. You just get through it.

 

After being betrayed, you're not the same person you were before. I know that I'm more cynical, not as quick to trust people. And it's very likely that I will never again have much respect for my ex wife.

[monkfish79]

In some cases, there's a reason for people cheating, and it's very easy to be bitter about being cheated on, and very difficult to forgive, but I know plenty of people that have made that effort and been rewarded for it. I've been cheated on, and it hurt like hell. Every relationship has it's tests, and I don't know anyone that can vouch 100% for their actions when they're hurt and depressed. Of course, there are some people that totally overlook any shred of morality that they may have, and cheat regardless of how they feel, or have problems with "deciphering their feelings", but i don't understand them at all.

 

At the end of the day, you're never going to own somebody and you can't dictate their actions - nobody has the right to do that to someone else. It's a natural thing that if you're down about something or someone, you look for attention from somewhere.

 

Don't think for a second that I'm defending people that do this, because I'm not. What I would say is that if it happens to you, it doesn't mean your partner doesn't love you and care for you. If you're going to let something as base as sex destroy your relationship, how strong was it in the first place? Did/do you enjoy your partners company? Do you get on? Are you actually friends? When I asked myself those questions, it got a bit clearer. I'm not a needy person. I don't feel like I should have someone with me all the time, but I do love and trust my partner. I enjoy her company and miss her as badly as I ever did when she isn't around. She slipped up - everybody does it from time to time in one way or another, and I know her well enough to know that she made herself feel worse about it than I ever could. If she was one of those people that have coordinated affairs, it'd be different. People that can do that disgust me, and imho, putting up with that sort of dishonesty is consigning yourself to a lifetime of it.

 

You'll get over it if you want to, bubblygrl, but you have to accept that what happened happened. You're not going stop walking because you fell over once, are you? And I doubt that you get phantom pains if you see someone cut their finger. If your man is as great as you say he is, do your best to forget about it. You got hurt, and it'll never go away if you keep it on your mind. Surely it's been long enough that he's proven you're the one he wants to be with.

[mental_traveller]

Just one question - how do you know he hasn't cheated again since then?