A radical new approach....

[sylviaguardian]

Hello everyone,

 

I've been doing a bit of thinking over the last few days and a lot of reading posts etc. It feels like a lightbulb has gone on in my head somewhere. My H's affair has been a huge burden to me. I feel like I have spent months and months obsessing over it, have spent a lot of time looking for details and checking up. Basically, I have not been able to get on with my own life. I have also spent a heck of a lot of time wondering how it could have happened and how we could work on our marriage to make it better.

 

I thought we had a great marriage and could not understand how this happened. However, over the last couple of days a few things have become clear. Although my H is essentially a good person, I started to see some parallels between this marriage and other relationships in the past. He is a very controlled person emotionally and in some ways can be very difficult to get close to. I saw that the common factor in all these relationships is...me! Now, I am not saying I caused situations where I get let down, what is interesting is that I seem to choose people who don't seem to value me.

 

At the time I was thinking all of this, I was reading latesleepers posts and seeing a lot of me in her. I was also reading Joeymas's thread about how it is useless to try to change people or police it and that made a bell ring somewhere. It made me see that all the time I was fighting to save my marriage was carrying on the same way. My husband didn't obsess about it all day. He wasn't paranoid about me leaving.

 

I still love my H (not as much, but still a lot) and I still want to be with him. I am sure that a lot of people here will not agree with this but as much as I want to keep my marriage, fighting for it is no longer my main concern. My main concern is to save myself. To find out why I feel pretty worthless, why I need this marriage so much for my stability, why I get into such realtionships. This is a turning point for me. It is not vindictive or defensive but the marriage is not my main priority now. My priority is to get myself stronger so if it works out I will be in a stronger position in the relationship...if it doesn't, well hopefully I'll be strong enough that it no longer destroys me.

 

I feel like a huge burden has been lifted from my shoulders - the burden of being responsible for my marriage. I no longer feel like my H is leading and I am following.

 

Thank you to you all for sharing your thoughts and feelings with me. I wouldn't be here if it hadn't been for you all.

 

Syl

[uberfrau]

Congratulations on your new understanding, your resolve to be stronger in the relationship, and realizing that life won't end if H ever leaves.

 

Your are no longer a doormat, like so many women on this board. Go out with friends and celebrate.

 

And your approach is not 'radical'-it's quite logical, and the only approach that is fair to YOU. And right now, YOU are the most important thing right now.

 

A new day, hell, a new LIFE has started for you Ms. Guardian.

[ThumbingMyWay]

Originally posted by sylviaguardian

I've been doing a bit of thinking over the last few days and a lot of reading posts etc. It feels like a lightbulb has gone on in my head somewhere. My H's affair has been a huge burden to me. I feel like I have spent months and months obsessing over it, have spent a lot of time looking for details and

I still love my H (not as much, but still a lot) and I still want to be with him. I am sure that a lot of people here will not agree with this but as much as I want to keep my marriage, fighting for it is no longer my main concern. My main concern is to save myself. To find out why I feel pretty worthless, why I need this marriage so much for my stability, why I get into such realtionships. This is a turning point for me. It is not vindictive or defensive but the marriage is not my main priority now. My priority is to get myself stronger so if it works out I will be in a stronger position in the relationship...if it doesn't, well hopefully I'll be strong enough that it no longer destroys me.

 

I feel like a huge burden has been lifted from my shoulders - the burden of being responsible for my marriage. I no longer feel like my H is leading and I am following.

 

 

Syl

 

 

NICE...Syl.....you've finally turned a corner. I was 3 months into MC before i realised the same things you just did......FIX YOURSELF FIRST.....we are all individuals......take this new approach and run with it....I am happy for you.

[fleafly]

Sylvia, I am with you on this, and strangely(being a man!) I agree with you. Its been "only" a month since I found out about MW affair, and although people tell me its to early to make any rational decisions at this point, thirty something days of thinking about the same thing constantly, well there HAS to be some rationality at some point. The thing I agree about most is, my wife wants to change in order to make me happy. I dont want that. what would that accomplish? where was all of this guilt that she is feeling now? It kind of strikes me strange that she suddenly realizes how much she loves me now that she has been caught. I wont blabber on about my situation, just wanted to let you know that I applaud you for coming to the realization that its time to help and heal yourself. Your comment about a huge burden being lifted, that was exactly the same way I felt the day after I moved out, and its getting better for me as each day passes. Im sure you do love your husband, you cant just erase emotions you have felt for a long time just like that, hell, Ill always love my wife, until the day I die. But you seem to now realize that life will and does go on. Im not saying that you should give up on your marriage, I havent given up(yet), but I believe this will prepare yourself for it, in the event that it happens. Take Care!

[cranium]

Syl,

I have also spent months obsessing. Have researched like crazy; had us both complete emotional needs questionnaires. We have really gotten along better since my discovery than we have for the last four years; we talk a lot and both our committed to the relationship. She also doesn't obsess the way I have; isn't paranoid about me leaving. I feel great for a few days and trust her actions and intentions completely and then I have a day that I feel sorry for myself. Have to remember that spouse isn't the only person that cares for/about you. I think I am also reaching a turning point; tired of feeling like a door-mat - maybe that's why I'm ready to confront him. Think I haven't to protect her; keep her from being upset with me.

[sylviaguardian]

Thank you all for your kind words. I feel a wave of empowerment coming right at me! In fact, I feel better than I have done in months, maybe years. It struck me that the majority of people on this site are the BW or BH. Why are there no people who had the affair coming to talk things over and save the marriage (with the exception of Joyce) ?

 

I have read so much about marriages, affairs, pulled off the emotional needs questionaires, anything to make the marriage 'stronger'. What did my H read? Zilch, nada. I realised I wasn't making the marriage stronger - the only thing I was making stronger was the pattern we have been stuck in all along. Honestly, I can't tell you how free I feel now that I no longer feel responsible for making it 'work'. I feel my life is back in my control again.

 

I'm sure a lot of you have told me this stuff already, it's just taken a long time to sink in.

 

Thank you all. I've had more words of wisdom on this site than I have had anywhere else.

 

Syl

[sylviaguardian]

P.S. Thought a good small step would be some self-help books. Recommend any??

[pragmatic]

Not to diminish in any way the importance of meeting your spouse's EN's, but it is huge if you can focus on yourself - to strive to be the person you want to be everyday.

 

I know since my own similar epiphany (thanks in part to wife's bad behavior), people tell me all the time how positive and confident I appear. At work it rubs off on the people around me. My friends have remarked that the old pragmatic is back.

 

I'm happier & my marriage is better since I've been working on me -- its not a coincidence.

 

It isn't easy, but it is worth it, in spades.

 

So many here are pulling for you and all of the many others like you (us) on the LS.

[cranium]

Syl,

You make a good point. I was the one who got us into counselling, pulled the emotional needs questionnaires, spent time at the bookstore. She has been receptive to it all and involved, but not pro active in her own regard. A book I just read twice is If The Buddha Married by Charlotte Kasl.

[ThumbingMyWay]

Syl,

 

not sure what your faith is, if any. But this book helped me tremendously..albeit christain based but it really gave me a whole different outlook on who i am and what i am here for.

 

A Purpose Driven Life (by Rick Warren.

 

 

 

and i am 2 chapters into this book, which my MC swears by. Geared toward couples who want to make there relationship stronger. How to become a co-commited relationshiop VS a co-dependent one.

 

Conscious Loving (by Hendrix)

[whichwayisup]

Syl, I'm happy for you that you've reached a peace and gotten to where you are now.

 

A really excellent book is "The Power of Now" by Eckhert Tolle.

 

It's not related to any topic discussed here, it's more inner healing power and energy - teaches you to stay in the now and learn about yourself. A very powerful read and makes one feel good about themselves.

[I Survived]

SYLVIAGUARDIAN

 

CONGRATULATIONS!! It appears that with the help of all the people who post on this site, we (yes, you and I ) have gotten to a good place. No more obsessing over the H who cheated, the woman he cheated with, wondering why, what happened, will he do it again. NO MORE! My heart lept with joy when I read your most recent posting. You asked about reading material. "Necessary Losses" sorry that I can't remember the author. Take care and keep going - you're on the right track. It's a great feeling, huh? Still (not really) Hurting (anymore)!

[I Survived]

P.S. A special thank you to joeymas! You are the one who got me over the hump! Are you married? (just kidding)

[latesleeper]

Hey Syl,

 

I'm looking for your previous threads and found this and then my nickname in your post.

I'm really glad to hear how emotionally healthy you're getting. I agree that getting/being emotionally healthy is of utmost importance in any relationship. I'm trying to do that myself, and at the same time, being courageous enough to trust (almost) as fully again.

When I had my first major depression ten years ago (didn't know my H at that time), I found this book useful. I'm reading it again and still find iot useful. M. Scott Peck's "The Road Less Travelled."

 

Let us know which books you find useful!

 

Take care everyone!

[veronese]

Hi darling, long time no speak. I've been following your thread regularly but haven't had time to make posts. But reading your news today was really good news to see. We've been battling with the same demons so i can relate to just about everything you say.

 

I had the revelation too a while back and it is certainly a wonderful feeling. It's another step towards a better future, it's kind of weird that we don't see it earlier! Without putting a dampener on your excitement Syl, remember that even now it's one step forward, two steps back. Having a new, more positive insight on the workings of your marriage is thrilling, but it brings with it a whole bunch of new questions you ask yourself.

 

All I can say is that I still regress and return to regularly checking his phone. I to obsess and devote far too much time, energy and emotion to the matter while he seems unaffected generally, never appearing unduly worried or concerned (apart from the occasions when I mention leaving him!).

 

10 months down this journey, things have improved but sadly not quickly enough for my liking. I've become a boring old cow really, my character has changed and not for the better. I've been saddened by the lack of support and understanding some friends have given me, but again I suppose I'm seeing relationships more clearly now. How have you been?

 

I must sign off now but will try to get back soon. I hope you continue to make such encouraging progress, I'll be rooting for you.

 

Big hugs

 

Veronese

[sylviaguardian]

Originally posted by veronese

 

I had the revelation too a while back and it is certainly a wonderful feeling. It's another step towards a better future, it's kind of weird that we don't see it earlier!

 

It is wierd isn't it?! I'm sure,though, that many people on this site have hinted that you need to work on yourself too but it never really fell into place until now.

 

Without putting a dampener on your excitement Syl, remember that even now it's one step forward, two steps back. Having a new, more positive insight on the workings of your marriage is thrilling, but it brings with it a whole bunch of new questions you ask yourself.

 

Oh, I know this hon - believe me. In fact, the next day after I wrote this, I felt on a bit of a downer. Wierd or what? I am a firm believer in facing reality though and realise that my marriage is not the angel who comes to save me has mad me think about how I will handle life in the future. Whatever happens, i am determined to do a bit more of the stuff that I want to do. It's funny, in some ways I feel freer to assert what I want.

 

All I can say is that I still regress and return to regularly checking his phone. I to obsess and devote far too much time, energy and emotion to the matter while he seems unaffected generally, never appearing unduly worried or concerned (apart from the occasions when I mention leaving him!).

 

I know just what you mean. The funny thing is though, after I had my relevation I told my H everything that happened and he was very quiet. When I asked him what was wrong, he said that he was very happy for me but feels that he has 'lost' me. The truth is, of course, that he has. I am not the 110% devoted person that I was before, just as my marriage is not the eternal rock that I thought it was. We are both having to start from scratch and in a way it's exciting because I feel that there could be more of a power balance this time round. He has seen that I'm not going to put up with certain behaviours and that I'm really not going to stick around no matter what.

 

10 months down this journey, things have improved but sadly not quickly enough for my liking.

 

It takes time Veron. Remember they say it takes 2 years or more to get over things. It will never go as quickly as you want because they can't just snap into place. There is a lot of cognitive reporcessing that has to be done.

 

I've become a boring old cow really, my character has changed and not for the better. I've been saddened by the lack of support and understanding some friends have given me, but again I suppose I'm seeing relationships more clearly now. How have you been?

 

Please don't become a boring old cow Veron. You sound like a fun and feisty woman who I 'd love to go for a drink with. Don't let this change you. If your friends are not supportive, then I'm sorry but they are not real friends. Talk to your real friends instead. Also, it's important to remember that sometimes people don't understand when they are on the outside. Remember your H did not have sex with these women. A lot of people don't count that as a 'proper affair' because they have never experience the hurt that comes with being emtionally betrayed.

 

I must sign off now but will try to get back soon. I hope you continue to make such encouraging progress, I'll be rooting for you.

 

I am rooting for you too. You sound like such a fun person - remember that!

 

Syl