His behaviour or her jealousy that needs to stop?

[headheldhigh14]

I have a burning question...

 

I've had 3 relationships in the last 20 years -- 2 year, 13 year and 1 year. In all three I've had jealousy issues with my bf's hanging out with other women.

 

The 2-year relationship, was my first. New to the whole thing. He had long standing female friends from before 'us', which he explained to me and and made me feel comfortable with. He then shared a house during university with 4 other girls. I didn't care because we contacted and would see each other regularly. He would send me love letters, tell me how much I mean to him and how much he loves me. I felt secure in his love/interest in me. Until he started talking about one of the girls who he became friends with. He would go to the movies with her alone, sometimes. It began to bother me. I told him. He seemed to pull away. I got more jealous and upset. He pulled away more. I drove myself nuts. Until we broke up. He ended up getting together with this girl a little while later.

 

The 13-yr relationship was with my exh. He loved me forever before we dated. And he loved me so much throughout the 13 years. So I felt secure in his love and interest in me/us. He had long standing female friends before us, who I knew and liked, and was comfortable with those friendships. He would often include me in those friendships -- outtings, visits, would tell me how they are doing, would tell them how happy he is with me, etc. When he made new female friends, or go out one on one with a female friend I didnt' know too well, I would get jealous and anxious. I would tell him. He would reassure me and make me feel comfortable. But we would have more than one discussion about them. But he always made sure I was secure. Include me in the friendships. Wouldn't hide anything. But he would go to strip clubs every week for the first year of marriage. I was incredibly hurt and jealous from it and told him. We had huge fights over it and he would always justify why it was ok for him to go. Finally he stopped going and took my feelings into consideration.

 

The 1-year relationship was after my marriage. He cheated on his wife because he said he was extremely unhappy and she was cold. When we were dating he didn't make me feel loved, cared for or secure in the relationship. When we started dating, he had long standing female friends that I befriended too. He spoke about them with me and they knew we were in a relationship. He included me in those friendships. We would often make plans and hang out together as couples, they each have a SO. So I was never jealous or anxious over them. But he liked to flirt and befriended new women (attached/unattached) all the time. Texting them regularly all times of the day. Some were, I thought, inappropriate friendships -- with subordinates, married women. After his marriage ended, he had fallen in love with one of them (who was married). During our relationship, he made plans with one of the "new" ones, on a night he knew I couldn't go, so they went one on one. I was immediately jealous and told him it bothered me. He defended himself saying it was nothing and that he wanted to just have fun with someone who also did the same activity (I do the same activity too). And he lied to me about the circumstances so he could go. I watched this friendship and soon realized they were just friends. But always wondered if he was trying to start something. There was another woman who he had known only a few months and complained about how annoying she is to me, but took her out for her birthday one on one. This was a night I was unavailable. I was jealous and told him I was upset and wondered what was going on. He said he was just hanging out with a friend. Nothing more. Months later he admitted she thought he liked her and was upset when she learned he actually didn't. Then he befriended another woman, he claims from a few months before us, but he never mentioned her. But he talked a bit about her and showed me emails about how she thought he was such a great guy and would love to find someone like him. He invites me to visit with her one day. I was so jealous and anxious. Had a mini melt down in front of him. He tried to reassure me. I calm down and I really like her after I meet her and realize nothing is going on. Weeks later she commits suicide and me exbf has no compassion for her and doesn't seem bothered by it. I thought it weird. Then he befriends another married woman and talks about her. They text, and he said their friends on FB. He said he thought she was a cool chick. He starts to pull away from me. Not as loving. We have had some tension, fighting over me feeling him pull away and me chasing him and looking needy. He acts suspicious, lots of texting and hides the fact hes texting from me. We break up and i learn he ended up falling for this woman. Her husband finds out and he is dumped. We get back together. I am even more anxious as our relationship progresses for the second time. I believe him that these women are just friends and he fell for that woman after we broke up, but its in the back of my head. This second time he again, doesn't say or do much to make me feel truly loved or cared for. No security. When we were apart, he befriended a married women from work and texts her, he started texting his friend's wife, and he texted this other married woman (a waitress) who he would go with his friend to see her often at her place of employment. But he wouldn't tell me he was going or was there. But I knew. He introduced her to me once. He would text her regularly. He had been there alone and has gone out with her and his male friends before. He had never invited me out to her restaurant. He would barely talk about her or what they text. He mentioned he and her and her husband have common interest. I also have this interest but he excluded me from it. I became jealous and told him it upsets me and that I'd like to be included in that friendship. He took offence and felt like i would be watching him if he took me there or around her. He said he felt he could't be himself if I were there. He then became defensive and turned the focus on how upset he was with my jealousy. And it wasn't about my feelings anymore. So he continued to see her, text her, and not include me. He refused to show me his texts between them and so I looked one day when he left his phone. And he certainly felt more for her than just friendship. He had a pet name for her and was making plans with her n her hubby that didn't include me. He even told her I was jealous of her and they were both laughing about me behind my back. He tried to reassure me and tell me they are just friends and that nothing is going on. But I felt betrayed and I ended the relationship after that.

 

So my question is....

 

Is my jealousy the issue and these men weren't doing anything inappropriate? Did my jealousy push them away and ultimately into another woman's arms?

 

Or is a man's behaviour the issue? And I had a right to be upset and my jealousy intensified given certain behaviours?

Edited July 31, 2014 by headheldhigh14

[No Limit]

The first thing: Nope, definitely right feeling there. That guy wasn't in love with you when he made ou twith the other girl shortly afterwards.

 

The second thing: I don't see what a married man would have to do in strip clubs either. But other than that, and especially since he stopped it, he should have been fine.

 

The third thing: that wasn't a relationship, you allowed yourself to be played, first as OW and then as the-woman-that-isn't-worth-more-than-an-affair-to-me. How someone who truly thinks she or he has jealousy issues ever goes out with a MM/MW is beyond me.

[headheldhigh14]

To clarify, with the 3rd, he never cheated with me on his wife. He cheated with someone else. I came along after they split. He made me believe we were in a relationship. His other actions were consistent -- all his friends and family knew we were together. Introduced me to his dad, sister, close friends, kids. We spent lots of free time together (3x week) (he never took me out on dates, we would just hang out at his place and do things around his house, watch movie, were active (walks, bikes, runs), shopping, made dinner together) and vacationed together. But his other shady behaviour made me wonder wtf was going on. I've seen him lie to his friends and acquaintances. He plays things down with me. He was vague, noninclusive and not up front about some parts of his life. Some disrespectful lood rude comments. And what seemed to be a plethora of female friends, and his extra interest in one of them -- for weeks he seemed to care more about spending time with his bff and her than with me, that he would disregard me altogether. Suggested we have another couple join us in the bedroom, lol.

 

I guess what I want to know is with the 3rd, was his behaviour ok and I was just irrationally jealous e.g. Some men like to flirt and enjoys the company of women and me being the jealous type, I can't be with men like him?

 

or was he a jerk, didn't know how to treat a woman and I had a right to be upset, anyone would be?

Edited July 31, 2014 by headheldhigh14

[No Limit]

He was a lying jerk, didn't care to treat a woman right in his life and you had every right to be upset then.

[GoBlue]

In a marriage there is absolutely no reason for a man to be going to strip clubs (can't think of a good reason even for a man who is not married) and if you weren't upset about it I would have wondered what was wrong with you. In a marriage, there is absolutely no good reason for a husband to develop new "friendships" with women and to hang out with them alone. As a husband, I sure would not be comfortable with my wife forming friendships with men whom she spent time with alone. There is a proper kind of jealousy in marriage, protection of the relationship, and an unhealthy kind of jealousy. The Bible says that "God is a jealous God" which means that He deserves top priority in the hearts and minds of His people and He responds with jealousy when He isn't given that position. A wife should always have top priority and attention from her husband. If there is something that makes her feel uncomfortable he should listen and respond. The unhealthy kind of jealousy sees an affair in every act and has no security whatsoever.

 

There is nothing that you have described that sounds like unhealthy jealousy. A woman deserves to be treated as a princess by her husband or significant other. She should be very careful to protect the respect in the relationship by following the natural steps of intimacy (sex is for marriage). Many women run into severe problems because they get involved sexually before they even know what a man wants from the relationship. A man who is interested in a long term commitment will be ok with waiting for sex. He will also take the feelings of his woman into account before getting involved in any friendship with another woman. That's one humble man's opinion anyway.

[headheldhigh14]

Thank you all!!

 

Funny thing, is with the 3rd, he made it out like I was the one with the problem....I'm too jealous and insecure, and that I need to work on changing that. LMAO! I suppose so he wouldn't have to look at himself as part of the problem, and change his behaviour. So he could continue womanizing. Ugh.

Edited August 1, 2014 by headheldhigh14