Need advice and words of consolation from kindred souls in LDR situation!

[BM30153]

I posted this on Second Chance, but now I think, it is officially over and just want perspective from someone who may have been in a similar situation wrt a Long Distance Relationship:

 

I recently ended things with someone I had been dating Long Distance for about 5 months. We had been long-distance since meeting, but was seeing each other once every month. I broke up with him b/c I felt that he was pulling away emotionally and also because I sensed that he wasn't ready for a more seriously committed relationship. I'm a lot older than him and am established in my career, while he is just starting out in his career, barely making much and is still living with the parents. I always knew that he was not anywhere close to "settling down" and I thought that our relationship would just be a "fun, end-of-summer fling." He came on quite strong in the beginning and was very persistent in pursuing me....calling me multiple times a day and telling me how much he misses me, etc. I was initially very resistant to the idea of being exclusive with him because of the age and geographic differences, but secretly, harbored hopes that things could eventually work out between us.

 

Well, things finally came to a head in early January when I mentioned to him that I was willing to relocate to his city in a year's time to be with him. His response was less than enthusiastic. Basically, he said that he was not ready to have me move there for him b/c then my whole life would be around him and that is a huge responsibility on his shoulder should things NOT work out for us. Also, he is planning on coming out here in 6 months to work, but even still, that opportunity is a long shot. Anyway, his response really bothered me, but I didn't say anything and let it fester. When I saw him again a week later (I flew over to see him on a whim), I was still somewhat hurt by our last conversation regarding my move to his city, so I was being a royal pain and we ended up bickering the whole weekend. At one point, during my drunken stupor, I said some really unnecessarily nasty and mean things to him, implying that he was inadequate (in many ways) because of his financial situation and his age, etc. I yelled at him about his ex-girlfriend who was also much older than him and how much of an a**h*** he was for cheating on her with me.

 

Fast forward to three weeks after that unfortunate incident, he started a new (more stressful) job and I began to sense that he was beginning to pull away emotionally. After about 3 weeks of this, I finally pulled the plug because I felt I couldn't get through to him anymore. The phone calls were less frequent and the quality of the conversation was just lacking the same level of enthusiasm and energy that he used to have with me. I finally have had it, so I confronted him (over the phone) about what was going on and that I wanted a "break" because I just felt like he was NOT thinking about me as often as he used to. At first, he didn't quite understand what was going on and didn't want to break up. But when I asked him how he really felt about me b/c my feelings for him is so strong that I think about him all the time and am even willing to relocate my life for him, he finally said that he agreed the dynamics of the relationship has changed and that he wasn't as "into me" as he used to be. At that point, I finally had to end it b/c I simply couldn't be with someone who couldn't reciprocate the same level of feelings. He said he was sorry and never wanted to hurt me but that he doesn't know why his feelings have changed. Granted, in the beginning, when he was in hot pursuit mode, he wanted to be a "proper couple," but I resisted b/c of the age and distance. Then, he found out from his freind that I kissed someone whom he despises.....and then I lashed out at him that one weekend. To be fair, I admit that I acted like a jerk.....but I do genuinely care about him very much.

 

At any rate, I broke the NC after a week. I had proposed going out to see him for a "weekend of fun" with no "strings attached" b/c I know the issues between us will not just go away on its own. He is a great guy to hang out with and we always have a good time together, so I thought "why not." This past week, we've been talking several times and the conversation seem to be normal and friendly with a little flirting. But when I brought up the option of my going out there, his response is always, "Sure, if you want to come over. But I don't want to confuse things for you because you know that I can't reciprocate the feelings you have for me." But in the same conversation, he also said he was very sad about the breakup and still likes me too.

 

I'm about to throw in the towel now and just go over there and see him one last time. I miss him so much! This break-up is harder than I had anticipated even though I was the one who initiated the break-up. There is a big part of me that wants to reconcile things with him, but what is holding me back is that on a rational level, I know this relationship has a small chance of working out b/c of where we are in our lives. Even though, I have no illusion that he is "THE ONE." He's not....not as he is right now.....so young and just starting out. He is just not ready to give me what I want, which is a serious, long-term committed relationship. He is okay with having just a "girlfriend" and see how things go. But, I'm ready for more and, unfortunately, have become very attached to him. I feel so paralyzed most of the time with my heart and my head constantly fighting.

 

My question to you, is did I make a hasty decision? He hasn't really made an effort to reach out to me, except to return my calls, etc. But every time we talk, he is very nice and sweet. Is he being polite b/c he doesn't want to hurt me? Would it be crazy if I decide to change my mind? Or have I passed that Rubicon? One other alternative is to go NC cold turkey and not talk UNTIL he gets out here....but I just don't think we'll feel the same about each other by that point. Does anybody have any experience with that? Breaking up for a while and then rekindling things down the road? How did you handle the NC during the gap? ANY ADVICE would be appreciated....am so confused and in pain right now!

[westernxer]

What's the point of breaking up if you keep trying to reconnect?

 

Let him die in peace, one day at a time.

 

Happened to me as well, but I fought the urge to call.

 

Now she's dead.

[BM30153]

I had to break up with him because it wasn't going to work in the long run....now I'm just going through withdrawal.

 

How long did you fight the urge to reconnect before you realized you were over her? Did she try to reach out and connect with you?

Did YOU break it off or did she???

[westernxer]

I broke it off. Funny thing is, I wasn't planning to do it, but she was so cold toward me that I had no choice. It felt so natural, like conducting an orchestra I had no business conducting.

 

When she realized I wasn't fooling around, she suddenly became apprehensive, saying she needed more time. I was so upset with her at that point that I decided never to speak to her again, because she wasn't respecting me as a person. I didn't even want to look at her when I dropped her off, and I refused to open my mouth, but I did say a weak goodbye, otherwise she'd have never gotten out of the car. I guess she wanted closure, but I wasn't going to make it easy for her... and why should I?

 

I haven't spoken to her in nearly a year. Guess she'll have to respect that.

 

Don't get me wrong, it was a hard thing to do, and it hurt. It hurt a lot. I'd be lying if I said I didn't miss talking to her when I first came home, because we spoke on the telephone every night, for hours on end. But then I remembered how she tried to string me along before administering the kiss of death. This made me angry, mostly at myself.

 

Two weeks went by and I started feeling better about things -- wasn't thinking about her so often. Then she sent me a letter...

 

(I'll tell you about it if you want, since I still wonder what in the world she was thinking when she wrote it. Maybe you can shed some light on this, as a trade off of sorts. )

 

Anyhow, I just had to take it a day at a time, and focus on myself by doing some of the things I've been neglecting. I also worked out a lot and took on some freelance projects to keep my mind from wandering. Family was a big help, too. I didn't say too much to them, but just being around them and having fun together was a big help.

[BM30153]

Oh my god, Westernxer! I had an almost identical break-up story as you. When I called him about 2.5 weeks ago, my intention was not to break it off completely because I had just bought my tickets to fly over there spend a belated V-day with him. And he had sprung almost $200 for tickets to see one of my favorite bands, so I was looking forward to seeing him.

 

I initially called him b/c I hadn't heard from him all day and I knew he had gone out partying with his buddies the night before. By that time, he had been pulling away emotionally, claiming that his stressful job was making him think less and less about me. Okay, I can understand that, but it just felt all too familiar. I had been in a similar relationship before with a workaholic and he used the work excuse alot to distant himself from me. Anyway, when I suggested that we take a "break" until he gets out here, his initial response was "Isn't this a bit drastic and that he wanted to think about it first." I guess he hadn't expect the break-up, but I was just getting so fed up with constantly asking for a modicum of verbal reassurance especially since we were in LDR, and not getting anything back.

 

I spent the subsequent week, second-guessing myself and wishing I hadn't opened my mouth. Did you go through that? I can't believe that you didn't even try to reach out to her. What did she say in her letter? Did she want to get back together with you? Did you respond to her letter at all? Please give me some of your strengths! I am fighting this urge to contact him EVERY hour of the day. The hard part is there nothing he did that was egregiously wrong, except maybe the fact that he cheated on his live-in gf with me when we met, so I can't even focus on the negatives. I kept thinking of the good times and somehow not really remembering the bad.

 

Let me ask you this, as a guy, how are you able to cut off all emotional ties completely just like that after just 2 weeks? This guy said he cared about me, but just wasn't ready for more commitment, i.e. my moving there for him. Even when we were breaking up, he still said he wanted to see me and just last week, we were talking like we used to and he said that he was sad too and still liked me as well.

 

I have a mind to just fly over there one last time to see him.....but I don't think I can handle the plan ride back, constantly replaying the scenes in my head.

 

I'd be happy to shed some light on the letter if you can just shed some light for me on how you men cope with break-ups...is it possible for someone to be that cruel and heartless and just move on so quickly?

[westernxer]

I'll be sending you a private message in a bit, since I don't want this to be in the public eye. Will also explain why I cut off communication with her. I feel like I had my reasons. Stay tuned...

[RecordProducer]

Dear BM,

 

you are obviously in love. He is obviously not. You have two choices; 1) to be with him or 2) cut him off.

If you decide to satisfy your inner desire, you will still not be quite happy given how he feels for you. You will merely postpone your pain.

However, I would recommend, and you know it's the right decision, to move on and forget him. You are infatuated by his image, but not by what he represents.

By letting him stay in your life, you're distracting your heart from the path of real love. If you were not so emotionally dependent on him, a casual relationship would be fine. But there are deep feelings involved and they tend to become even deeper. Instead of choosing to suffer for a certain amount of time now, you - by the line of least resistance - want to enjoy the "last" moments with him before you go down. You expect a wonder, that maybe he will simply fall in love with you some day. But that's not very likely to happen. If I were you I would accept the break-up as the end of that relationship. Instead, you think that if it was YOU who broke it up then it's YOU who is in charge and can take your words back. You did the right thing and your heart should reconcile with your mind, not fight it. Why pursue a relationship with no future? He is being polite with you, because it feels good for him that you're so into him. He enjoys the whole situation and doesn't want it (your attention) to stop, but at the same time he doesn't want to hurt you further either.

He was honest to you and you're lucky that he didn't play with your feelings, pull your nose, tell you lies, and waste your time. Take advantage of it and move on! In the long-run you will be happier. Some day you'll meet the love of your life and your heart will be available for his love. When my ex-husband left me, all I wanted was to get him back. I did all I could, but he didn't want me back and it only brought me more pain. Now I am happy he left me while I was only 25. I met the man of my dreams and my life will go on. I wish I were able to cut him off right away, not two years later.

Wish you luck!