Boyfriend making me feel unattractive because I've gained weight

[AliceW]

I started seeing my boyfriend about a year and a half ago, and my weight has fluctuated a lot during that time. When I met him I weighed about 115, then I went down to about 107 for a while (I still don't know why; I wasn't trying to lose weight), and then in the last year or so I've slowly gained weight until I got to about 127.

 

I am 5'4" and have an althetic build, so I am not overweight at 127...in fact I still wear a size 2. I am heavier than I like to be, but not drastically so...I'd like to just get back down to below 120.

 

The problem is that my boyfriend seems to have fairly strong feelings about weight. He comes from a very athletic family, and his mother and sister are really obsessive about controlling their weight (his sister ended up in the hospital from an eating disorder while in college). He's made many comments over time about how people look best thin, and when I mentioned that I thought I was TOO thin for while last year, he said "I never thought you looked too thin." When I was at my thinnest I had several friends and coworkers tell me I was getting too thin and express concern about me. Size 0 pants were too big on me!

 

He's also made negative comments about my eating too much one or twice. He was very apologetic afterwards when I got upset about it and admitted that the comments were "insensitive," but it still really bothered me.

 

So I recently talked to him about this issue (my feeling like he wants me to be really skinny), and he basically said "don't worry too much about your weight...there are other things that are more important to me," which was nice in a way, but it still felt like he thinks I'm overwweight, which just seems absurd given that I wear a size 2! It worries me, because I am moving in with this guy and would consider marrying him. Will he find me unattractive if I ever go above a size 2? It seems almost inevitable that I will gain at least a little weight when i get older...almost everyone does....

 

 

The thing that's hard is that every other guy I've ever been with has always reassured me that I was beautiful and sexy just the way I was. It I pointed out that I'd gained weight they would just do something like kiss my stomach and tell me it was cute. I miss that. I feel like my insecuries about my weight are starting to affect my sex drive...I feel very unattractive, and that makes me too self-conscious to enjoy myself. He does still seem very attracted to me, and he does tell me I'm beautiful sometimes when we're in bed together, so maybe I'm just overreacting.

 

So anyway, can anyone tell me if I'm being oversensitive? Should I just work on losing 5 or 10 pounds to get to the wweight I feel good at and notworry about him?

[westernxer]

How do you lose weight if you're a size two? Is it just bone mass?

 

Now you've tickled my fancy.

[FireCat]

Size 2, only 127 lbs. and he's calling you overweight?

 

You're not being over sensitive. You need to be comfortable in your skin. If you want to lose 5-10 lbs because that's where you're happy and healthy at, go for it, but do not lose it just because he feels you should.

 

Sounds like he has a distorted opinion on body weight and how a woman should look.

[Butterfly28]

I had those same issues with my bf. I am 5"2, 117lbs, and it goes to my ass and my thighs. He was starting to notice the "winter fat" coming on, and would make comments about it. He just was putting it out there that he was concerned, and didn't want me to "let go of myself" - he loves me more than anything.

 

What really strikes me is. My weight is healthy for my height...and DAMN STRAIGHT...if I was a SIZE 2, and someone came up to me and said, "WOW, you are gaining weight?" I would be like "WTF are you TALKING ABOUT?" Size 2? I would LOVE to be a size 2!!!!

 

He seems to be more worried about what you will look like under his arm. He needs to accept you for who you are and love you for who you are.

[HotCaliGirl]

Maybe you should gain 10 - 20 pounds before you get married just to see how he will react. Love should not be based on % of body fat and the sooner you find out how he would react to it, the better for you. You don't want to be married with kids, having gained some weight, only for him to make you feel even more unattractive and cheat on you about it in the future, which sadly enough MANY men do.

[Mary3]

You dont need to lose weight ...you need to LOSE HIM

 

Geez just think if you got pregnant and gained 35 lbs more ?

 

He does not sound like you are anything but a tiny barbie doll .....get someone that will be around for the long run...who loves you no matter what size you are ...

[AliceW]

Well, the thing is that he is actually a very sweet, thoughtful man. He get along marvelously well, and he is very affectionate and kind. So I don't want to get rid of him (for that and many other reasons!)

 

He has never told me flat out that he thought I was overweight...he has just implied that I have put on weight (which I certainly have), and (in a separate context) that he thinks people look better when they are sleek and toned and thin (ironically, HE has gained some weight since we've been thogether...probably about the same amount that I have...and in fairness he is just as unhappy about his own weight gain as he is about mine).

 

So he still tells me I look good and looks at me appreciatively, but he does encourage me to go to the gym (he has been going every morning himself). He is usually not at all weird about the food thing. It was just the one time or two times when he's said something like "do you really need to eat that, after that big lunch you had" or whatever that really pissed me off and upset me...that and the fact that I KNOW he finds people who are at all fat quite unattractive.

 

The one time I brought this up with him directly, he said that it was hard to talk about, because it was difficult for him to "state his preferences without making it sound like he was trying to tell me what to do." So in other words he likes me thinner, but understands that it would be inappropriate for him to tell me how to manage my weight.

 

So really it's just that I think he has a somewhat weird and unrealistic idea about weight in general, and that that could cause problems later on for us. I have no desire to get fat, and i am fine with eating healthy food and getting regular exercise. But I have even less desire to become one of those neurotic, exercize-obsessed, dry-lettuce leaf nibbling types, and I just really hope he never expects me to turn into one of them, even if I do put on a few pounds...ugh.

[sophia34]

I'm leaning toward agreeing with Mary3 here. Do you see a future with this guy? As in marriage and children? Visualize yourself with a kid and with your post-pregnancy weight--will this guy suddenly be upset if you have a different body after?

 

Or, say you don't want kids. What if you get sick, at some point, and medication causes you to put on a significnat amount of weight. (I've seen this happen). Would he be supportive? Or would he pull away?

 

If you think he would be upset, then you really have to weigh (no pun intended) how much his superficiality here overshadows his other good points. I mean, if he's making these comments when you AREN'T overweight, you have to think about how he'd react in situations like the above. He may be all you say he is, but if he gets hung up on how much you weigh, rather than who you are, to me, that's kind of a dealbreaker.

[Suz76]

leave while you can! I had a bodybuilder bfriend b4 i got married, and he was WAY supportive of me no matter how i looked. You deserve better.

[Artifact]

It does sounds like he has personal issues with weight. I would say loose a few pounds if you want to, but know that in the long run your weight probably will fluctuate. (sophia34 mentioned a few good, reasonable examples.)

 

Make sure you want a life of always trying to keep the weight off before you commit for the long term. It's going to take a lot more at 40 to fit into a size 2. You also don't want to end up with an eating disorder like his sister.

 

I know this is a minor problem now... but be careful.

[knight56]

i like big females lol.