Post why finding a good match is/isnt hard

[kolleamm]

Let's share our thought's on why we believe or don't believe finding a good match is hard, as well as possible solutions to overcome it.

 

Ready,Set,Go!

[Disillusioned]

Some of us know what we like and what we don't like, and we definitely have a "type". Finding a match is even harder when some of the things that you find attractive, are frowned upon by the mainstream.

 

For others it's easy to find a match because they can have the hots for just about anyone.

 

Both of these kinds of people find it nearly impossible to understand each other's POV... think of a professional matchmaker who's totally baffled by a male client who doesn't feel any attraction toward any of the female clients she tries to introduce him to. Or OTOH that same-sex friend who doesn't find anything attractive about the men/women you date.

[somedude81]

I feel that it's very easy for me to find a girl that I feel is a good match.

 

Getting her to feel the same way about me is the hard part.

[newmoon]

it's only hard imo if your standards are too high and don't give people a chance, or if you're too shy to approach

[D.Mc.]

Hi Kolleamm,

 

IRL: you get approached by someone that you don't find attractive; is attractive but approaches the wrong way (ex. drunkenly at a bar, etc); or approaches you at the wrong place/time (you aren't single or you just want to buy your emergency personal hygiene product & get out of the store etc.).

 

OLD: you get messaged by someone that you don't find attractive; is attractive but the message & profile are definitely not in sync w/your interests; or you really aren't ready to meet a partner so you reject everyone for anything w/out even recognizing you're not ready to be "out there" yet.

 

That's why it's hard. It isn't hard when you are emotionally ready, have a pool of same level of attractiveness partners, & take an active role in the process of meeting new partners, both for IRL & OLD.

[Disillusioned]

it's only hard imo if your standards are too high and don't give people a chance, or if you're too shy to approach

 

Like I said, those who find it easy to have the hots for just anyone, can't understand those of us who are more selective.

[mr_dave]

I don't just want a relationship with any woman - I want one with THE woman.

 

My "list" isn't that extensive, I'm looking for an intelligent lady who is shy, doesn't/ hasn't slept around nor drinks excessively, has no tattoos or children and who is in nice shape. (Boobs a bonus )

 

Unfortunately that list precludes a lot of women in my area, they are not easy to come by. The only socialising people seem to do in Northern England is to go out drinking, and that's not my scene, so meeting anyone is a near impossibility for me.

 

That said, if someone were to say to me "In 2021 you will meet a wonderful woman to share the rest of your life with." then I would happily remain celibate until then.

[Priv]

I have absolutely no control over who I like or who would be a good match. Every woman I have dated/been in a relationship in was a wildly different person. So no type for me.

 

 

That said, I think the last time it was not reciprocal was in high school. I like women who like me. Though I am fairly oblivious to them liking me or not when I am not interested. Like I am blind for it, or not looking for hints.

[GemmaUK]

I don't think my wants are unrealistic but I haven't found a match.

 

I'm in my forties and would look to date someone also in their forties.

 

I don't mind if he has children or not (if he does then I would hope he has an amicable (at least) relationship with their Mum.)

 

I have a place of my own and would prefer that they didn't still live with their parents, many still do though - far more than I ever realised

( I just want to add a disclaimer here also - those I have come into contact with who did still live with their parents were not there as carers for their parents.

It was their choice to still live at home.

If they were caring for their parents I could also understand that too as my Mum was ill from when I was a toddler and she passed away just before I turned 18. My Dad, brother and me were all her carers during those years. My Dad also became ill when I was 25 and then me and my brother became his carers up until he passed away just before my 34th birthday)

 

I would rather they have a job and can support themselves (I also do both).

 

I would rather he were not terribly overweight as I am a slim hourglass but only a UK size 8. Many men my age are carrying large beer bellies around.

 

I'm not that fussed about height, 5ft 6in to about 6ft (?) I guess as I am only 5ft 1in.

 

And all the way through I have said 'would rather/prefer' so these are not essentials.

 

I do also need to be attracted and get on with a guy..but those are a given I would think in relationships.

[kolleamm]

All I've ever wanted was a girl with a slim body and at least an acceptable face, but apparently that's a lot to ask for these days. I'm a very active person so finding someone who is in shape would definetly make them more compatible with my interests and activities.

 

Finding that right person is a long journey, and when you do find them well don't screw up. Lol

[d0nnivain]

You have to know yourself. That's part of the key

 

It's OK to have some specifications but not too many. They shouldn't be that picky. To say you want somebody who is in shape is fine; to start dictating weight & BMI is not OK. All of your focus should not be on the outside.

 

For example I have always been attract to emotionally strong, intelligent men, with wicked senses of humor who are industrious, honest & loyal. It's nice if they have a great head of hair & twinkling eyes.

 

My husband fits those things but he doesn't dance, has no hobbies we can share & at times can be a bit too emotionally reserved. Nobody's perfect. He wishes I was more of a suzy homemaker type who kept his house spotless but I'm messy & demanding that he open up emotionally so he knows I have plenty of flaws too.

 

Before I met DH I was single for the longest stretch in my dating life. I kind of threw it out there to the universe that I wanted to get married. Then I kept my eyes open & put myself into situations where I could meet new people.

[d0nnivain]

All I've ever wanted was a girl with a slim body and at least an acceptable face, but apparently that's a lot to ask for these days. I'm a very active person so finding someone who is in shape would definetly make them more compatible with my interests and activities.

 

It seems to me that you would do well at a MeetUp group that goes hiking or joining some type of co-ed sports team. Have you tried either approach?

 

Also ask friends & family if they know anybody to fix you up with.

[kolleamm]

It seems to me that you would do well at a MeetUp group that goes hiking or joining some type of co-ed sports team. Have you tried either approach?

 

Also ask friends & family if they know anybody to fix you up with.

 

I have actually been attending those type of MeetUp groups for the past few weeks, I like to label it as a work in progress for now, with the outlook looking pretty good compared to OLD.

 

I would encourage anyone else to try it out as well as it is a great way to meet people and especially those who like to keep fit.

 

Either way you look at it however it still takes a lot of patience and dedication to find a good match.

 

I pretty much know already what league I fall into when it comes to women and what I can and can't have. I can say I'm honestly happy with what I can get however the problem is finding them.

 

99% of people I meet are either out of my league or just don't catch my interest. Finding that in between is the hard part.

 

Being single isn't all bad either though.

[Thegreatestthing]

Finding a match is easier thN ever thanks to the internet,if I want to find a Russian boy who likes painting and puppies I can very easily whereas before the net it would be impossible.

[kolleamm]

Finding a match is easier thN ever thanks to the internet,if I want to find a Russian boy who likes painting and puppies I can very easily whereas before the net it would be impossible.

 

For women easier yes.

[d0nnivain]

I pretty much know already what league I fall into when it comes to women and what I can and can't have. I can say I'm honestly happy with what I can get however the problem is finding them.

 

99% of people I meet are either out of my league or just don't catch my interest. Finding that in between is the hard part.

 

You have already defeated yourself & you haven't even tried yet. Leagues are BS. People are people no matter what they look like. There are no leagues. OK fine, you probably can't date a super model but every day women you meet are fair game.

 

At a MeetUp event, I met some guy. We chatted & I flirted. Turns out he was in the market to hire somebody who does what I do. Before we parted, I handed him my business card & told him I'd be happy to help him if he called but I'd be happier if he called for non-work reasons. He did call. On our 1st date he confessed that if I hadn't said that he never would have called because he thought I was out of his league. I smile graciously but inside I was like what? I'm not that special. I'm just an average woman.

 

So stop with this league business.

[kolleamm]

You have already defeated yourself & you haven't even tried yet. Leagues are BS. People are people no matter what they look like. There are no leagues. OK fine, you probably can't date a super model but every day women you meet are fair game.

 

At a MeetUp event, I met some guy. We chatted & I flirted. Turns out he was in the market to hire somebody who does what I do. Before we parted, I handed him my business card & told him I'd be happy to help him if he called but I'd be happier if he called for non-work reasons. He did call. On our 1st date he confessed that if I hadn't said that he never would have called because he thought I was out of his league. I smile graciously but inside I was like what? I'm not that special. I'm just an average woman.

 

So stop with this league business.

 

That was actually really good advice, thank you! I hope everyone else reads that.

[No Limit]

I like a girl I can trust. Someone who contributes something to the relationship. I either want a girl with similar interests, or is open minded enough to try something new. I don't like dating a girl who sleeps around a lot. I don't want to date a woman with a lot of baggage, emotional or otherwise. Physically, about the only requirement I have is for her to not be too big.

 

Replace the words "girl" and "woman" with "guy" and "man" and I'll agree on all of this.

 

Other than that; no, it's not easy to find a match for me. I get looks, but that's it. If I look back very, very few guys hold it for a few moments but eventually turn around, most just immediately twitch their gaze back to their mobiles. The very first step appears to be impossible, and being rather confrontational myself, what would I do with a guy who can't speak?

[GoodOnPaper]

Let's share our thought's on why we believe or don't believe finding a good match is hard, as well as possible solutions to overcome it.

 

Ready,Set,Go!

 

That can be a multi-level question. As far as getting into a relationship goes, I don't think it's that hard. For me, it was getting the initial date that was the backbreaker. Out of my 9 lifetime first dates, 6 turned into exclusive relationships. But if we're talking a deeper she's-the-one match, that is more difficult. To properly evaluate that, you have to be able to transcend notions of leagues and validation. I never did reach that point but there was one woman who likely would have been that level of a match if I hadn't already been married.

 

Regarding leagues, I don't think it's a bad thing to be uneasy about pursuing women who seem to be "too" good looking. When it comes to LTRs, it's all about comfort level -- let her be the one to prove that it's possible to establish that degree of comfort with each other. The ideal situation is to be drawn to someone in such a way that you don't even think about whether she's in, above, or below your league based on surface physical qualities.

[USMCHokie]

Haven't read any of the other responses yet...

 

But the problem people have with finding a "match" is that they overrate themselves. Like attracts like and I think people are naturally attracted to those who they feel are of similar attractiveness. Think too highly of yourself and the people who you're attracted too probably won't be attracted to you...

[guest569]

My standards are pretty high and I am relatively new to the dating scene. Each time I have dated, I found matches quite easily but it is hard to keep them. I guess it is a competitive market. Or I am faulty.

[jay1983]

Well said! I agree 100%. This is what I see all the time. I am friends with a guy who is a prime example. He is in his 30's, lives with his parents, is bald, and obese. This guy isn't interested in any girl over the age of 29, and she can't be overweight. As you can imagine, dude is pretty much dateless. Only tries to hit on girls out of his league.

 

It's always those guys like that. I've had 2 friends who were only attracted to young, slim, hotties. One was fat, bald, with bad teeth and other was a little skinny dude with a dirty junkie look.

 

Funny huh?

 

While my average, but decent looking as* searches for a girl who looks halfway decent and doesn't have any mental problems.

[jay1983]

Leagues are BS. People are people no matter what they look like. There are no leagues. OK fine, you probably can't date a super model but every day women you meet are fair game.

 

Wrong, if this was true, there wouldn't be a dateless, average looking nice guy.

[jay1983]

I'm guessing the no mental problems is where it starts to get tricky. I have met some seriously crazy women in my day. I had a psychotic stalker for my first 2 semesters of college.

 

Me too, an 18 year old, (I was 29) 4"11 Vietnamese girl. The only asian girl (besides one other Filipina, but they're mixed) who ever liked me. I don't know WTF was wrong with her. I changed my number and the sh*t didn't stop until I moved out of that apt.

Edited August 3, 2014 by jay1983

[kolleamm]

Yea guys gotta definitely watch out for the crazy stalker chicks. I've had some just flat out fill my inbox with messages and constantly eye me in class. Quite honestly if they acted a bit more normal my attraction and respect for them would have increased. Sure looks are nice, but seriously no one wants someone like that. Just plain creepy. For all I know she probably has all my pictures saved on her hard drive. Creepy...