LeonatheWriter Posted August 1, 2014 Share Posted August 1, 2014 I have trust issues, but I'm trying really hard not to let that get in the way in my relationship. My boyfriend and I are in a long distance relationship, and sometimes I can't help but wonder or feel like he's talking to other girls behind my back. It's not a problem for me, except for the fact that he has to hide it. Recently, I've been having a really rough and low point in my life, and I just wanted him there for a specific day to talk to or calm me down. But he's always busy with chores or errands, and when he's free to Skype, he always looks preoccupied looking at his phone and replying to his "mom's" texts. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I checked his account (I KNOW, bad girlfriend alert, I'm sorry). Apparently, he had been messaging a girl and asking her where she is and what she's doing. No other messages before that exist, so I have the feeling he deleted them because he knows I don't like it when he talks to other girls while we're on Skype. I confronted him about whether he was hiding anything or if he was cheating on me, and he kept denying it and saying he didn't know what I was talking about. So I checked again to see if the girl replied and if they were in fact planning to go out. But the messages were completely deleted. It's as if he never messaged her. I don't want to confront him about this, because I know he'll make more excuses. My trust has just flown out the window, and my boyfriend keeps convincing me that he genuinely doesn't know what I'm talking about or that he hasn't/isn't doing anything wrong. I don't know what to do anymore. From the beginning of this relationship, I've been having gut feelings like he's doing things behind my back. At this moment, he's going to his house from his brothers' condo, which only takes 2-3 hours and it's been way past that amount of time. He still isn't home, and I can't help but feel like he's out with that girl, and texting her as a way to communicate because he knows I'm checking his messages. I can't stand it anymore. We love each other so much, and I offered to take a break but he just got mad and started crying. I don't think he fakes those emotions, and I know deep down that he genuinely loves me. But how can I be happy in a relationship with a guy I don't trust, and how can I let go and force the trust if he's clearly hiding things from me? Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted August 1, 2014 Share Posted August 1, 2014 LDRs by definition have to be base don trust because that is all there is. Normally I'd tell someone to downshift. Just because their SO is having innocuous conversations with a member of the opposite sex is no reason to get upset. However conversation is the biggest part of an LDR so it's harder when the SO is sharing that with someone else. When is the next time you can see your BF? Some quality time may help ease your fears. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Elle1975 Posted August 1, 2014 Share Posted August 1, 2014 Why is he deleting the messages if he's not doing anything wrong? You probably should listen to your gut feeling on that one. The fact that he's crying doesn't mean anything. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gosh Posted August 1, 2014 Share Posted August 1, 2014 But how can I be happy in a relationship with a guy I don't trust, and how can I let go and force the trust if he's clearly hiding things from me? You can't. It's great that you know that and that you identify it. You say you get these feelings from the beginning, this is not good. I am not saying he is cheating or anything, he may just be immature and think that by hiding his harmless chats with girls is the way to not make you feel bad. Does he seem like such a person? Is he honest with his friends? Is he polite? A nice quote i saw once went something like this: "If someone is nice to you but rude to the waiter, that person is not a nice person" So trust your gut on what kind of person he is regardless of what you assume he is doing on the chats and then add it all up. Hope this helps! Take care!! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LeonatheWriter Posted August 1, 2014 Author Share Posted August 1, 2014 Thanks everyone. I won't see him until December of next year. He's lied to my face before, when I knew for a fact he was lying. And he was so good at acting innocent, or maybe he really didn't know he was doing something wrong. Whatever it is, it's not the first time that he's lied before. I just don't want to give up our relationship just because of a few hidden chat messages. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LeonatheWriter Posted August 1, 2014 Author Share Posted August 1, 2014 My boyfriend and I are in a long distance relationship, and sometimes I can't help but wonder or feel like he's talking to other girls behind my back. It's not a problem for me, except for the fact that he has to hide it. Recently, I've been having a really rough time in my life, and I just wanted him there for a specific day to talk to or calm me down. But he's always busy with chores or errands, and when he's free to Skype, he always looks preoccupied looking at his phone and replying to his "mom's" texts. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I checked his account (I KNOW, bad girlfriend alert, I'm sorry). Apparently, he had been messaging a girl and asking her where she is and what she's doing. No other messages before that exist, so I have the feeling he deleted them because he knows I don't like it when he talks to other girls while we're on Skype. I confronted him about whether he was hiding anything or if he was cheating on me, and he kept denying it and saying he didn't know what I was talking about. So I checked again to see if the girl replied and if they were in fact planning to go out. But the messages were completely deleted. It's as if he never messaged her. I don't want to confront him about this, because I know he'll make more excuses. My trust has just flown out the window, and my boyfriend keeps convincing me that he genuinely doesn't know what I'm talking about or that he hasn't/isn't doing anything wrong. I don't know what to do anymore. From the beginning of this relationship, I've been having gut feelings like he's doing things behind my back. At this moment, he's going to his house from his brothers' condo, which only takes 2-3 hours and it's been way past that amount of time. He still isn't home, and I can't help but feel like he's out with that girl, and texting her as a way to communicate because he knows I'm checking his messages. I can't stand it anymore. We love each other so much, and I offered to take a break but he just got mad and started crying. I don't think he fakes those emotions, and I know deep down that he genuinely loves me. But how can I be happy in a relationship with a guy I don't trust, and how can I let go and force the trust if he continues to hide things from me? Link to post Share on other sites
Michelle ma Belle Posted August 1, 2014 Share Posted August 1, 2014 How can I be happy in a relationship with a guy I don't trust, and how can I let go and force the trust if he continues to hide things from me? Simple answer is you CAN'T. Again, same response as the one I gave in your other thread. You know what the answer is. Trust is paramount in any relationship but ESPECIALLY in a LDR. If you don't have it, you're going to drive yourself crazy wondering what he's up to. There are no easy answers when it comes to LDR unfortunately. LDR take a lot more effort to stay connected so either you're BOTH in it or you're not. It's really that simple. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Natsu21 Posted August 1, 2014 Share Posted August 1, 2014 Elephant in the room. You can say that maybe he's scared of what you'll think if he showed you these conversations... I say the reason why he is is because he's got something to hide. The fact that he's deleting conversations is a red flag, so much that you had to come here and ask. Time to call this one...he's hiding something. You should either find out what, or get rid of him. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ascendotum Posted August 2, 2014 Share Posted August 2, 2014 Why is he deleting the messages if he's not doing anything wrong? You probably should listen to your gut feeling on that one. The fact that he's crying doesn't mean anything. People do do digital housework, cleaning up old & redundant messages & emails. If its very selective, like convos with only a couple of people, then yes there is good chance he might be getting rid of evidence. The evidence might not be that he is cheating, but flirting with other girls that naturally he wont want his gf to see. Yeah LDRs are tough and absolutely have to be based on higher level of trust. Seems they not going to be together till Dec.2015. I'm not sure how many visits there will be in between, but it will be tough to go without intimacy & fun flirting and being out with your friends and ignoring girls/boys that show you attention, for multiple years. Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted August 2, 2014 Share Posted August 2, 2014 You don't deal with them. You kick their butts. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LeonatheWriter Posted August 2, 2014 Author Share Posted August 2, 2014 He doesn't clean his facebook messages just to clear clutter, though. It was this specific conversation with a girl. The first message was "where are you?" And it sounds to me like he was meeting her that day, why else would you randomly ask that? And I don't believe there was nothing before that message, he must have deleted previous messages. Then it was "are you doing anything today?" This was the day after we argued because he was always busy doing errands and texting his mom. After I confronted him, that conversation disappeared. He's probably texting her instead. I also noticed that whenever he's on his phone while we're on Skype, he'll occasionally look at me from the corner of his eyes in a way that seems like he doesn't want me to know he's checking his phone. Link to post Share on other sites
Ferocious Posted August 2, 2014 Share Posted August 2, 2014 He doesn't clean his facebook messages just to clear clutter, though. It was this specific conversation with a girl. The first message was "where are you?" And it sounds to me like he was meeting her that day, why else would you randomly ask that? And I don't believe there was nothing before that message, he must have deleted previous messages. Then it was "are you doing anything today?" This was the day after we argued because he was always busy doing errands and texting his mom. After I confronted him, that conversation disappeared. He's probably texting her instead. I also noticed that whenever he's on his phone while we're on Skype, he'll occasionally look at me from the corner of his eyes in a way that seems like he doesn't want me to know he's checking his phone. I can't jump the gun and tell you what he's doing, but you don't have 100% proof he's cheating. In the past I have always found out for 100% sure what's been going on before I roasted my ex gf . Heck there was even a time I logged onto her acct, made up some BS story that I had lost the convos from the previous day, and then proceeded to have the guy she cheated on me with send them. She would ALWAYS make up some BS story before she knew I had the proof. IDK your BF so I can't judge him, but if he lies about stuff regularly he can't be trusted PERIOD. She would even make up names and stories to try to hide these things from me.........He could just be setting up a replacement for you OR he could be doing nothing wrong. You can't accuse tho or else you just look stupid. Even if he is cheating and you constantly accuse him he will just lie, then make up some excuse to cut ties with you once he's figured out what he wants.............As for you being a bad person, heck I WISH my gf would have went thru my msgs! It would have shown me she cared enough about me to not want to lose me to another girl. Sure it would get annoying if it was constant, but that fear of losing someone means they mean something to you. I only briefly had that. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
changchewsoon Posted August 2, 2014 Share Posted August 2, 2014 Without trust, nothing good will ever come out of it. Am terribly sorry you are going through this, but it seems like you might want to reconsider continue having a relationship with him. If he can lie through his teeth now, he will keep continue doing it. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Monu Kajla Posted August 6, 2014 Share Posted August 6, 2014 Why he is deleting the messages if he is not wrong or not doing anything wrong? The fact that he is crying doesn't means anything. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts