confused over cheating

[mel28]

hey, i'm a newbie, so be gentle!!

late last year, i found out my boyfriend had been cheating on me for three months, after finding emails between him and another woman on his computer. i confronted him and he said it was over between them. took him back.

now i've discovered new emails between the two of them from the last couple of weeks. he says he wanted to justify what had happened before by seeing if there was anything there between them and felt guilty over ruining this woman's relationship.

all of which means nothing to me.

but... he tells me he can't live without me, that it's me he wants not her. despite the fact i've told him to be go be with her, he refuses to let me go, saying he doesn't even like her as a person, let alone anything else.

while i'm gonna have to get out of the relationship (or lose my sanity) i don't understand why he'd react so strongly to my ending things, when he can't keep away from the other woman. he says that even if we're over, he doesn't want to see her let alone be with her.

the confusion is killing me. i want him to want her, at least then i can understand destroying us. but this? this is madness...

any clarity would help me get my head round things......

x

[The_Analyzer]

"he tells me he can't live without me, that it's me he wants, not her"

 

This is just my opinon, but it looks to me as if he really meant the above statement he said to you. He wouldn't have felt the need to see if anything was still there with the other woman. I think it sounds like an excuse. I'm not saying thats the way it is for sure, but its the way it seems.

 

"he said he doesn't even like her as a person"

 

Ummm ok then why have they been emailing each other then? For sh*t and giggles?

 

Wake up hun.

[LucreziaBorgia]

Sometimes you can be with a person, and they fulfill you in many ways: but not all ways. The ways that aren't fulfilled don't detract from the ways that are fulfilled, so when someone says "I love you" and cheats - they really can love you and need you, but there is something missing from the relationship that causes them to stray.

 

You meet many of his needs, but not all - and he is not willing to give you up because of those needs that you do fulfill for him. Of course he's upset: he doesn't want to lose you. The problem though, is that no matter how much he loves you and how much he's getting out of it - it doesn't change the fact that for him, something is missing - or else he wouldn't be doing it. What you will have to ask yourself is whether or not this relationship is working for you and whether you are willing to put in the work to help root out this problem.

 

If you can, try to see if you two can pinpoint what it is that sent him into his cheating. If you don't figure this out, then whatever factors caused it will still be present for him, no matter what you do. You can be the 'best girlfriend in the world', but as long as something is lacking in his perception of the relationship, and you can't figure out what it is or how to change it - then its going to continue to be there. No doubt he will not want to be completely honest with you: sometimes when someone is so good to you its very difficult to look them in the face and say "its not good enough" or "I dislike ____ about you". It won't be easy, and likely will be painful - but the relationship can work if you can dig out this painful thing eating away at it.

[d'Arthez]

I agree with LucreziaBorgia.

 

He did not like her? He liked her enough to cheat on you with her. Repeatedly. If it were a mistake, he would have made it only once. If he felt it was a mistake he would at least have told you, he was starting to email her again, to find out how her life turned out since the cheating, as she seemed also to be involved in a relationship. And let you read all the emails back and fro.

 

When you took him back, did he offer any reasons concerning the relationship, which caused him to stray? Has he in any way tried to address what was lacking in this relationship? Have you?

 

the confusion is killing me. i want him to want her, at least then i can understand destroying us. but this? this is madness...

any clarity would help me get my head round things......

 

I take it you are fairly young? Of course the whole situation would be easier to understand if he wanted to be with her. However he denies that he wants to be with her. That does not mean you would necessarily be perfect for each other.

 

Think very carefully and don't make rash decisions.