Looked at his email and can't get past what I read

[Mari79]

I've been with my boyfriend for over 6 years and we're expecting a baby together this fall. A few months ago, he forgot to sign off his email and when I went to use his computer I noticed that one of his folders had another woman's name on it. He only has a few folders and hers was the first one. I knew all of his exes names and this woman was not one of them so I opened the folder. It turned out that it was the nickname of the woman he had been trying to date before we started dating (she was a close friend who made out with him once while she was drunk but she didn't want to date him so the friendship fizzled after that). I would've left well enough alone but one of the emails was dated a couple of months after we started dating and the subject line was "I miss you". I confronted my boyfriend about it as I was hurt that he would respond to her email saying he missed her too while we were dating and were exclusive at the time. He told me that he responded because he missed the friendship and because he wanted to keep that door open in case we didn't work out because she couldn't hurt him again. I accepted that because I couldn't expect him to get over a woman he had known and loved for years if we had only been dating 2 months. ( I did not know I was the rebound girl until I read the email and realized he had lied to me about the timespan between her rejecting him and him and I getting together. He said it was a year and it was actually only a couple of months).

 

So I thought I got over it but a month ago he was signed on and I wanted to check if that really was the last of the "I miss you" messages between them so I checked his chat history as of the date we started dating. I didn't find anything between them but I did find numerous chats between him and another woman (someone he'd known since high school). He'd told me that he was "flirtatious" with some of his female high school friends but he'd made it seem like it didn't go beyond compliments (calling them gorgeous,etc) which I didn't mind as I do it too. However, the flirting in the chats came really close to dirty talk. (She said she'd prefer him in a robe because it would give her easier access to things, he told her he pictured her dancing for him). That hurt but what hurt most was that she would ask him about me and he would tell her that he wasn't crazy about me, that he was thinking of breaking up with me, that he was withholding sex so I would get a clue (this was not true), and that he wanted to wait until after Christmas so he could get his gift before he dumped me. She thought that was hilarious. These conversations took place 4 months after we got together. At no point during that time, did I ever get the impression he wanted to break up.

 

He kept in touch with her but the chats decreased over time from weekly to once every few months after we were together for 2 years. In a chat they had 2.5 years into our relationship, she asked about me, but she made it sound like we had only been dating for about a year. He didn't correct her which makes me think he told her he had broken up with me after he told her he would in the previous chats, and that she thought I was a different girl. He told her we were on a break (we weren't) and that he didn't love me. He enjoyed my company when I was around but he didn't miss me when I was gone. And he needed to stop leading me on and end it for good.

 

The content of the 4month chats hurt, but the 2.5 year one destroyed me. To think that he didn't love me after all that time... I was hurt and angry. If he didn't love me after 2 years what made me think he loved me today? And why did he let her think he was single for over a year? I confronted him about them and made him read them to me. He kept skimming because he didn't like what he was reading and couldn't read it aloud. He said he didn't even remember writing them. He said he was being someone else when he wrote those things to her because he was always the one getting dumped and so he wanted to make it seem like he was never really into me when I eventually dumped him because he was sure I would, even years into our relationship. He also said he only flirted with her that way via chat and never face to face because he wouldn't have been comfortable. And that he flirted for an ego boost and he had no feelings for her at all. He hasn't been in contact with her for almost 3 years. He said he stopped contact because she had outlived her usefulness. I believe that because the last chat between them was from 2011 and by that point there was no flirting and it was clear they hadn't seen each other in a while.

 

I forgave him immediately because he started crying and saying he was hurt I didn't trust him and checked his email again and how I knew he had abandonment issues. Over the years, I almost broke up with him twice and both times he cried and begged me to stay. And I believe that the flirting was related to his ego because he has a really low self-esteem. He's always "joked" about how I must be questioning what I'm doing with my life (by staying with him). And I honestly can't picture him cheating on me. He's never had the self-confidence to make the first move. I was always the one initiating physical contact until several months in. A couple of days after we made up, I questioned him about some other things I had read. One was how he had brought her back to see his apartment after he had gotten it renovated. I wanted to know if they were alone in the apartment together (he was living with his sister at the time). He joked about how he couldn't have done anything with her because her sister had tagged along to look at the apartment. I was pissed that he would make a joke about it but he said that's how he deals with uncomfortable situations. So again, I forgave him.

 

So why can't I get over what I read? He has been SO good to me especially while I've been pregnant. But I look at him and feel numb. I feel nothing when he touches me. I just think about how oblivious I was to who he was and I feel like maybe he's pulling the wool over my eyes even today and he's actually the man he was in those chats. Am I overreacting because of my hormones? Am I stupid to feel hurt over something so small? Is it small? We're having a baby together and I don't want to start our new lives feeling this way. His parents are contemptuous of each other and he's mentioned more than once how he hopes we don't turn into them. I'm afraid if I don't let this go, we might.

[Zahara]

he would tell her that he wasn't crazy about me, that he was thinking of breaking up with me, that he was withholding sex so I would get a clue (this was not true), and that he wanted to wait until after Christmas so he could get his gift before he dumped me.

 

He said he stopped contact because she had outlived her usefulness.

 

Eye-openers.

[Candice Luna]

That hurt but what hurt most was that she would ask him about me and he would tell her that he wasn't crazy about me, that he was thinking of breaking up with me, that he was withholding sex so I would get a clue (this was not true), and that he wanted to wait until after Christmas so he could get his gift before he dumped me. She thought that was hilarious. These conversations took place 4 months after we got together. At no point during that time, did I ever get the impression he wanted to break up.

[...]

He's never had the self-confidence to make the first move. I was always the one initiating physical contact until several months in.

 

I'm sorry for suggesting this, I know it must hurt to even consider.

But the bold above really jumped right at me. Are your sure he just lacked confidence, or he was really avoiding the sex on purpose like he claimed to the other woman?

[Michelle ma Belle]

You are NOT over reacting and I think that it's normal to feel "numb" after reading what you read.

 

It's so hard to advise you on anything because all we're getting is a one sided view of things. On the surface, sure, I suppose you could go with the theory that your boyfriend's actions are a result of low self esteem but then again he could be a guy who is looking to keep his options open.

 

I don't know.

 

All I DO know is that these are not the actions of a someone who truly loves and respects his long time pregnant girlfriend, self esteem be damned.

 

If I were you, I would have a VERY serious talk about how all of this has made you feel and how he needs to get his sh*t together and STOP connecting with these women who only encourage his questionable behavior.

 

As far as getting over this sense of betrayal, it is possible but it will take some time. Your boyfriend is going to have to work double time to earn back your trust. Don't forget to let him know it too!

 

Good luck you.

[ExpatInItaly]

First of all, the reasons he's given you for writing bad things about you and your relationship are bullsh*t. This isn't about his low self-esteem. Come on, now. He cried when you confronted? Oh, boo hoo. Poor little boy had his flirt-fest interrupted.

 

And no, it isn't small and this isn't your hormones talking. He betrayed you and disrespected your relationship on numerous occasions. He destroyed the foundations of your relationship. You've learned that he can't be trusted to protect what you have together. And he stopped chatting with another woman because "she outlived her usefulness"? That sentiment is very troubling. Because you decided to have a child with this man, I don't really know what to suggest other than seeing a therapist, individually and together. See if there's a way to mend the burnt bridges, or whether it's best to separate. I would't look at him the same way, either.

[serial muse]

Yes, given that there's a baby on the way, therapy seems like an awfully good idea. The snooping in the first place is a red flag, but I won't judge because I've been there. In my case, I snooped as a last resort after multiple attempts to have conversations about what was going on in my marriage (he was cheating, and eventually I ended it). So it makes me wonder whether this is the first time in the six years you've been together that you've felt the urge to snoop...seems like he's always used women as an ego-boost, so that would have made me somewhat insecure in your shoes. And that seems like something that you two should address together in therapy - his insecurity, his need for validation from other women, and what it's going to mean for going forward together. You guys need to figure this out.

 

It's also troublesome that he turned his rejection of you (even if you weren't aware of it at the time) into a discussion of his abandonment issues, as thought that should make it excusable or forgivable? What he did was a violation of your trust. It's good for him to know why he might have been motivated to act out, but then he also needs to deal with it and own it. There's really no excuse for that.

 

I won't suggest breaking up because of the baby, but it really sounds like he's got a lot of stuff to work out, and I think your feelings right now - confused, hurt, unable to trust - are COMPLETELY understandable. What he did was pretty egregious, and I sure hope he's ready to accept and work on that.

 

That said - snooping can be pretty destructive, and from this point forward, really should be only a nuclear option. I used it when I was pretty sure the relationship was already dead, and I needed to feel OK about pushing the button. Because the thing is, you could keep snooping forever and ever, and now and again you'll turn up things that give you pause, and it really will destroy your equilibrium. But you're here now, and the fact is that what you have found is certainly significant and something that your partner really needs to address, STAT, without jokes or dissembling or blame-shifting.

Edited August 1, 2014 by serial muse

[oldshirt]

I've been with my boyfriend for over 6 years and we're expecting a baby together this fall.

 

 

 

 

 

 

This statement above really tells the whole story. Everything else is just extra background and filler.

 

Assuming you aren't 21 and have been together since you were 15, any grown man that dates a woman for 6 years and doesn't marry her when she is carrying his baby is a manboy and is basically keeping his options open and always maintaining a backup plan and exit strategy.

 

He simply isn't committed.

 

He may not be cheating. He may not be abusive. He may not be a drunk or unemployed. He may even rub your feet when he feels like it and may be somewhat nice to your friends and family, but he is not all-in.

 

He may even provide reasonably well for your child and you cor awhile but this is all evidence of someone not committed in his heart and soul.

 

My recommendation is to always have the ways and means to support yourself and your child and to be able to maintain a career and a home and provide for your child in case one day he simply isn't there anymore.

 

This "numbness" you are feeling is Mother Nature preparing you for that moment too.

[Gaeta]

I understand this is very hurtful and I am sorry you are going through this but are we talking about something that happened 4 years ago? and after that absolutely nothing in his email suggesting it's still going on?

 

It's possible back then he was questioning his love for you. It's not always rosy in relationships and we have phases of doubts. The difference here is you were made aware of his doubts when most of us will never know when our husband or boyfriend had a weak or difficult moment.

 

Oldshirt: Considering 50% of marriages end up in divorce I don't think it's the proof of commitment it used to be. People marry and un-marry as they wish nowadays, I don't know why it's considered a commitment anymore. When you chose to have a child with someone though that IS a life time commitment. There are no legal papers that will cut you off from being a parent with that other person. This man has accepted to link his life to her for the rest of his life through that child.

[Thegreatestthing]

Writes horrible things about you.

Has been with you six years and doesn't seem interested in marrying you

Ditch this guy already,

[No Limit]

Kick him to the friggin' curb.

[changchewsoon]

A lot of our posters here managed to highlight a few red flags, and they seem pretty serious!

 

I know right now at the moment things are probably tough for you right now, but you might want to take a step back and take a closer look at all the red flags that has been highlighted by our fellow posters, and rethink whether this is someone you foresee that you can spend the rest of your life with and having a baby together.

[oldshirt]

 

Oldshirt: Considering 50% of marriages end up in divorce I don't think it's the proof of commitment it used to be. People marry and un-marry as they wish nowadays, I don't know why it's considered a commitment anymore. When you chose to have a child with someone though that IS a life time commitment. There are no legal papers that will cut you off from being a parent with that other person. This man has accepted to link his life to her for the rest of his life through that child.

 

 

 

I'm not talking about the general state of marriage and commitment in the world today. I am talking about his actions and lack thereof.

 

 

Sure, lots of marriages dissolve after 10, 15, 20, 30 years , people have a lot more options today and getting a relatively easy and inexpensive divorce is one of them. But I'm not talking about that per se.

 

 

Why I think that he just simply isn't committed and isn't all-in with her is his behavior is quite different from a man who is completely devoted to someone and is wanting to live a life with them.

 

 

When a typical man is in love with a woman and believes she is "the one" and wants to have a future with her, he really won't let anything stop him from marrying her. His friends and family could hate her, he could be broke, she could be broke, she may drive him nuts and cause him countless frustrations and he will still shell out his last few pennies on a ring and get down on one knee and propose to her.

 

 

He will make future plans. He will sit down with her father and ask her daddy for his blessing and approval....and he will often still marry her anyway if Daddy doesn't approve. He will make a home and nest for future offspring.

 

 

This guy isn't doing that. He is just keeping her around dating and playing house even though they've been together 6 years and have a baby on the way. And while he's doing that, he's basically brushing over the fact he even has a girlfriend with other women.

 

 

This guy may not be abusing her or physically cheating on her at the moment and he may not even be mistreating her in any way. But he is not completely devoted or committed to her or to a future with her either.

[Negative Nancy]

Assuming you aren't 21 and have been together since you were 15, any grown man that dates a woman for 6 years and doesn't marry her when she is carrying his baby is a manboy and is basically keeping his options open and always maintaining a backup plan and exit strategy.

 

He simply isn't committed.

 

He may not be cheating. He may not be abusive. He may not be a drunk or unemployed. He may even rub your feet when he feels like it and may be somewhat nice to your friends and family, but he is not all-in.

 

He may even provide reasonably well for your child and you cor awhile but this is all evidence of someone not committed in his heart and soul.

 

My recommendation is to always have the ways and means to support yourself and your child and to be able to maintain a career and a home and provide for your child in case one day he simply isn't there anymore.

 

This "numbness" you are feeling is Mother Nature preparing you for that moment too.

 

Why I think that he just simply isn't committed and isn't all-in with her is his behavior is quite different from a man who is completely devoted to someone and is wanting to live a life with them.

 

 

When a typical man is in love with a woman and believes she is "the one" and wants to have a future with her, he really won't let anything stop him from marrying her. His friends and family could hate her, he could be broke, she could be broke, she may drive him nuts and cause him countless frustrations and he will still shell out his last few pennies on a ring and get down on one knee and propose to her.

 

 

He will make future plans. He will sit down with her father and ask her daddy for his blessing and approval....and he will often still marry her anyway if Daddy doesn't approve. He will make a home and nest for future offspring.

 

 

This guy isn't doing that. He is just keeping her around dating and playing house even though they've been together 6 years and have a baby on the way.

 

 

This guy may not be abusing her or physically cheating on her at the moment and he may not even be mistreating her in any way. But he is not completely devoted or committed to her or to a future with her either.

 

 

Excellent posts as usual.

[smackie9]

His reaction to being called out on it, is enough to make me want to question the integrity of the relationship. He couldn't MAN UP to the fact that he was young and dumb, and wasn't mature enough to be in a relationship at that time? No he had to make her feel bad by claiming he was hurt for her questioning him on it. No baby is going to save this relationship from failing but communication and counseling might. Wow this is real bad timimg but OP if you want this to have a positive outcome you need to be proactive in getting this straightened out. Not only that but a future commitment of marriage is in order as well. He needs to f rickin grow the f'up.

[Mari79]

I'm sorry for suggesting this, I know it must hurt to even consider.

But the bold above really jumped right at me. Are your sure he just lacked confidence, or he was really avoiding the sex on purpose like he claimed to the other woman?

 

It had to be the former. He would send me dirty texts/emails telling me what he was going to do to me on our next date but wouldn't take the initiative to do those things when he saw me.

[Mari79]

That said - snooping can be pretty destructive, and from this point forward, really should be only a nuclear option. I used it when I was pretty sure the relationship was already dead, and I needed to feel OK about pushing the button. Because the thing is, you could keep snooping forever and ever, and now and again you'll turn up things that give you pause, and it really will destroy your equilibrium. But you're here now, and the fact is that what you have found is certainly significant and something that your partner really needs to address, STAT, without jokes or dissembling or blame-shifting.

 

He gave me access to his email and phone so I'll know that that behavior stopped years ago. But I don't want to be the type of person that has to keep tabs on her boyfriend to make sure he's not getting out of line. I would never get past it if I kept doing that. It'd just be a constant reminder.

[Mari79]

This statement above really tells the whole story. Everything else is just extra background and filler.

 

Assuming you aren't 21 and have been together since you were 15, any grown man that dates a woman for 6 years and doesn't marry her when she is carrying his baby is a manboy and is basically keeping his options open and always maintaining a backup plan and exit strategy.

 

He simply isn't committed.

 

 

He asked me to marry him 3 years into our relationship, but I don't believe in marriage. I've never seen a happy one. My parents have been happily unmarried for nearly 35 years.

[ExpatInItaly]

He asked me to marry him 3 years into our relationship, but I don't believe in marriage. I've never seen a happy one. My parents have been happily unmarried for nearly 35 years.

 

But yet you decided to have a child with a man who was clearly looking for a side-piece? I don't quite get that logic, to be honest with you. I do feel for you, though.

 

What's your next step going to be?

[Mari79]

You are NOT over reacting and I think that it's normal to feel "numb" after reading what you read.

 

It's so hard to advise you on anything because all we're getting is a one sided view of things. On the surface, sure, I suppose you could go with the theory that your boyfriend's actions are a result of low self esteem but then again he could be a guy who is looking to keep his options open.

 

I don't know.

 

All I DO know is that these are not the actions of a someone who truly loves and respects his long time pregnant girlfriend, self esteem be damned.

 

If I were you, I would have a VERY serious talk about how all of this has made you feel and how he needs to get his sh*t together and STOP connecting with these women who only encourage his questionable behavior.

 

As far as getting over this sense of betrayal, it is possible but it will take some time. Your boyfriend is going to have to work double time to earn back your trust. Don't forget to let him know it too!

 

Good luck you.

 

Thank you. We had a long talk over the weekend. We fought and talked from Friday night until Saturday morning and he's taken complete ownership of everything. He's willing to try counseling or anything that will get me back to loving and trusting him 100%. He answered every question that I had and we talked for so long that I don't know what I could bring up in therapy, I feel like everything has been addressed. But it's good to know that that option is there in case we need it.

 

The first few years of our relationship I inadvertently put him on the backburner because work and school were taking up so much of my time. Instead of just talking to me about it, he dealt with my "rejection" of him by seeking attention from that woman. He stopped once it started feeling wrong. I'm not thrilled about the fact that it took him 3 years to understand that it was wrong , but he has changed a lot over the years and he's actually a very good man today. I just have to keep reminding myself of that.

[Mari79]

But yet you decided to have a child with a man who was clearly looking for a side-piece? I don't quite get that logic, to be honest with you. I do feel for you, though.

 

What's your next step going to be?

 

I got pregnant months before I looked at his email. The baby is what made me stay to try to get his side of the story. Otherwise I would've run. I truly believe he has changed. We had a long talk and I've decided to start fresh. If I start to distrust him again, we'll start therapy.