blind_otter Posted February 24, 2005 Share Posted February 24, 2005 Yesterday was weird. I went to that doctor (the one my mom called about, who gave her an appointment because she is a nurse and also because he sees my Vietnamese grandmother) who I think was one of those docs who will prescribe anything to anyone. Although he did look over my test results, he only saw me for like 5minutes. He is Vietnamese and my mum and him chattered away at each other in Vietnamese. At least I got my meds switched from dilantin to depakote, which is also an antidepressant and used to treat patients with bipolar mood disorder. Which I could have, considering my Mom does. I'm bummed today. Probably the dilantin leaving my system. The depakote should be at therapeutic levels in my bloodstream in a few days. I should be more stable by this weekend. I'm just low. I rested my forehead on my desk for a second and found it strangely seductive and I wanted to keep my head planted on my desk for the rest of the day. Only 3 more hours to go. Barf-o-rama. I go through mild funks where I just don't think I'll ever be in another LTR. I am so emotionally unstable. I mean, yeah, I have a pretty face and body and I meet a continual stream of men who want to f*ck me, but they don't necessarily like me as a person. And they get to know me and then they are like, woah, you have way too much **** going on in your life for me to deal with. The most hilarious part is that I don't ASK anyone to deal with my problems. I am a heinously independent person. I drive myself to the doctor. I went to the ER alone. I live alone, I take care of myself. I have my own money, my own car, my own house, my herd of dogs to keep my company because I Get So Lonely sometimes. I give too much though, even in casual friendships, I don't mind helping people out whenever or wherever, but I realize that my circle of friends isn't really made of people who are worthy of that kind of care, and I definately don't get anything reciprocally from them. And Mr. T is enjoying his time by spreading all this random information about me around. I hear from all these people calling me "I didn't know you had sex with T!" Well great. Now our entire circle of friends knows detailed stories about the sex he had with me. What a f*cker. Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted February 24, 2005 Share Posted February 24, 2005 Originally posted by blind_otter At least I got my meds switched from dilantin to depakote, which is also an antidepressant and used to treat patients with bipolar mood disorder. Which I could have, considering my Mom does. yes, bipolar (aka manic-depression) is highly hereditary although it may skip a generation or two it always rears its ugly head eventually. it some in may just manifest as unipolar depression and in other as bipolar. Link to post Share on other sites
HotCaliGirl Posted February 24, 2005 Share Posted February 24, 2005 I can't remember your last thread - who is Mr. T and what exactly happened? Are you currently depressed because of that situation? Link to post Share on other sites
d'Arthez Posted February 24, 2005 Share Posted February 24, 2005 It's good to see you have been to a doctor and got medicins for you. Truly, could you indeed by bi-polar? It is a highly hereditary disorder, so it could be true. But if it is true, it may be a piece to the puzzle you are trying to put together BO. You are probably aware of the consequences the disorder can have on a person. Can't comment too much about your working situation, though. Sometimes there are days I feel the same way. Forget about the men at the moment. The only thing you could get from them at the moment is a booty call, and given the fact that you tend to form emotional ties because of f*cking, you'd better not do so. Creates more drama, which you absolutely don't need. Sorry you find out that your circle of friends is not as supportive of you as they should be. Friends are not there to hold your hand every moment of the day. Friends should be there to offer support in times like these, independant or not. For instance share a meal at your place, and they offer to help you with the dishes, or the cleaning. Maybe it's time to clean up the cabinet of friends. Forget about Mr. T. I know it will be extremely hard for you, but whatever happens between friends, should remain between friends. I know it hurts like hell. Link to post Share on other sites
Author blind_otter Posted February 24, 2005 Author Share Posted February 24, 2005 Originally posted by HotCaliGirl [color=blue]I can't remember your last thread - who is Mr. T and what exactly happened? Are you currently depressed because of that situation?[/color] In summary....Mr. T was my bestfriend for about 6 years. I met him before I met my exhusband. Back in '99. After my most recent breakup with the psychotic ex, he was really there for me a lot. He helped me out after my miscarriage, and we had sex a few times. He started coming over to my house all the time at 3am, 4am, 5am, and he would want to cuddle me with, so I let him, but I stopped having sex with him after a while because I felt myself having feelings for him that I was uncomfortable with. He also started doing coke every single day. My friend K still hangs with him and says he is still using, but now he uses in secret - he hides on his proch or in the bathroom where no one can see him and does it on the sly. That is f*cking distrubing. Anyways we had a huge blowout - I told him I couldn't hang with him anymore because of his coke use, and I had a seizure at his house and he freaked out and couldn't handle it. So now he is turning into a huge, throbbing, a**h***. All our friends call him "cokehead" now, and everyone jokes about what an ass he has become. Actually they call him "head" - meaning he is addicted to everything he can get. Jerk. I'm just bummed because of everything, I was seizure-free for a long time and I started having seizures again. I can't go out and party anymore, no more alcohol, caffiene, coke (haha), I don't even smoke that much pot any more because I am so out of it. I had to do all these tests, I went to the ER on tuesday for 9 hours. Now, because of my illness the doctor suspended my driver's license, and I barely hang out with anyone because I am house bound - unless someone comes to MY house, or comes over to pick me up. Link to post Share on other sites
silver_tongued Posted February 24, 2005 Share Posted February 24, 2005 I would have to agree with the last statement. Focus on you right now, don't waste your energy on mishaps of the past. You can't change them now, and the people who see what happened to you for what it is should be kept close. The best way is to have a couple people over for some cards or movie, just keep it simple and surround yourself with good people. Link to post Share on other sites
Author blind_otter Posted February 24, 2005 Author Share Posted February 24, 2005 Originally posted by d'Arthez Sorry you find out that your circle of friends is not as supportive of you as they should be. Friends are not there to hold your hand every moment of the day. Friends should be there to offer support in times like these, independant or not. For instance share a meal at your place, and they offer to help you with the dishes, or the cleaning. Maybe it's time to clean up the cabinet of friends. That guy Adrian was nice...he cleaned up my place while I was at work on Monday. He mopped and swept all the floors, did my dishes, did my laundry, scrubed my tub, and made my bed! That was nice, but it didn't change the fact that I need another ex-gang member thug in my life like I need a hole in the head. Link to post Share on other sites
Author blind_otter Posted February 24, 2005 Author Share Posted February 24, 2005 I guess focusing on myself is the scariest part. I have spent so long distracting myself from my own problems by fixating on other people's problems. I get lonely. I hate being alone. That's why I have dogs! Link to post Share on other sites
Podna Posted February 24, 2005 Share Posted February 24, 2005 I can sympathize with your situation Otter. My father was a victim of a bipolar disorder from before I was born. He fought it almost all his life. He was either so happy and sugary you couldn’t stand to be near him, or he was so down and depressed you feared he might hurt himself. Eventually they found a cocktail of drugs that kept him on an even keel. I dearly hope they will eventually get you fixed up too. You seem to be a beautiful and intelligent woman. Women like you don’t stay on the market for long if they really want a LTR, and like the right kind of guy. Keep your chin up and be strong and I think you will be fine. As far as your friends are concerned, I agree with d’Arthez, it may be time to start culling a few from the herd. True friend are hard to find. A true friend would never laugh at you in such a way where you feel belittled. I have very few people that I would classify as friends. The few friends I do have would lay down in front of a truck for me and I would do the same for them. You seem like that kind of person. If you are, you just have to learn to keep a close eye on people and if they don’t seem as true a friend as you are, cull them. Link to post Share on other sites
HotCaliGirl Posted February 24, 2005 Share Posted February 24, 2005 Don't let that insensitive cokehead make you feel worse. If anyone asks about you having sex with him, you can just tell them that it happened before he turned into the loser that he has become and don't let their trash talk get to you. Just focus on yourself for now, read some books and hang out on LS... That sucks about your seizures, but maybe if you take care of yourself, that too will go away. It may have returned due to all this stress in your life... And you're not alone when it comes to having good friends - they are hard to find. Link to post Share on other sites
EC Posted February 24, 2005 Share Posted February 24, 2005 Sorry I just need to know what an LTR is? Link to post Share on other sites
Merin Posted February 24, 2005 Share Posted February 24, 2005 Originally posted by EtErNaLlYCoNfUsEd Sorry I just need to know what an LTR is? LTR-Long Term Relationship Otter.. wierd isn't it.. how you know really whats good for you and what isn't.. but sometimes I think fear drives us and we end up getting on the crazy bus with the whack-a** driver.. Keep your head up sista.. Link to post Share on other sites
Stone Posted February 24, 2005 Share Posted February 24, 2005 Dilantin takes awhile to leave your system and the Depakote won't fully work for about 2 weeks I hope your doctor told you that you CAN NOT DRINK ON DEPAKOTE!! I'll find a link aobut it, My son is on it for seziures and when he make the switch he was extreamly depressed, moody and even violent so be prepared for some diffrence while you are changing meds. Link to post Share on other sites
Author blind_otter Posted February 24, 2005 Author Share Posted February 24, 2005 Thanks Podna. I want a LTR (long term relationship ), but I know I'm not ready for it. And dealing with someone with a chronic neurological problem like a seizure disorder is a big deal. I would have to know someone for a while before I could really trust them and all that. After I have a seizure I am like a newborn kitten. I can't even really walk on my own. So, there are times when I need very intensive care. Right now I just take care of myself and really it can be a bit dangerous....but I can't ask a roommate to help me, I can't ask anyone but my family in good conscience. One day my prince will come...haha Link to post Share on other sites
Author blind_otter Posted February 24, 2005 Author Share Posted February 24, 2005 Originally posted by Stone Dilantin takes awhile to leave your system and the Depakote won't fully work for about 2 weeks I hope your doctor told you that you CAN NOT DRINK ON DEPAKOTE!! I'll find a link aobut it, My son is on it for seziures and when he make the switch he was extreamly depressed, moody and even violent so be prepared for some diffrence while you are changing meds. AW crap. It is so weird being on mind altering substances. I do already feel a tiny teensy weensy bit more coordinated. At least I have stopped running into doors (hah). But when I first get up in the morning, man. I am falling all over the place still....Oh I wish I could take a nap from 3-4:30pm every day. I don't feel the urge to drink or have sex at all right now, mama, so don't worry... Link to post Share on other sites
bedhead Posted February 24, 2005 Share Posted February 24, 2005 I know that I can't tell you how to think or how to feel but I can give you some insight to my life that you can take or leave. I was diagnosed with Bipolar about 3 years ago. I've had it since I was a teenager so life without meds was normal. What wasn't normal was my thoughts. Anyone that would say something that I didn't like I would want to kill myself. Anyone that would basically say anything I would over analys and focus on that forever. I know that what people say is really really powerful to people with depression. Part of bipolar symptoms are paranoia .I became pregnant when I was 17 and was still in high school going to church and trying to put a smile on my face. Acting like I was a good girl when really I was a rebellious little brat. People found out when I had lost the baby. OH MY GOSH! Was I the talk on everyones lips and if they weren't talking I made up stuff in my head that they were secretly saying I just couldn't hear what they had said. I know how you feel about feeling a lone and sad. They slapped me with meds and I was weird. I was yes pleasant to be around....cause I didn't do much but sit there. I had no thoughts because the meds had slowed them down. But when I was alone I really did focus on myself. Why no one was there and other crap that I would force out. My point is that meds help but to an extent. You have to do the rest. Have you thought about getting a roommate? Take some classes after work or on weekend. I took kick boxing. HINT: Many hot men there!! Not only are they hot but it just really turns guys on when you say you kick box My suggestion is to really see if you are bipolar. Learn the symptoms. Talk to your doctor, counselor on how to better deal with your depression with meds at first. Everyone has told me that being bipolar is a disease and that it will never go away...well.....screw them. I have done everything to learn how to deal with this without being drugged up for the rest of my life. I don't focus on being depressed anymore I focus on proving I can beat this. I have been off my drugs for a year. Yes bad thoughts at times come into my head but then I just move my focus to something else. Just remember....your life is precious and many people think you are. Link to post Share on other sites
Stone Posted February 24, 2005 Share Posted February 24, 2005 My b/f Greg is on Depakote for Bipolor he still drinks and the meds don't work so my life is hell 1/2 the time I'm glad you got that taken care of I hope you like your new doctor. Pot should still be ok though as far as your meds go. Link to post Share on other sites
Author blind_otter Posted February 24, 2005 Author Share Posted February 24, 2005 Originally posted by bedhead Just remember....your life is precious and many people think you are. Thanks hun, I am on the meds for a seizure disorder... So I take 1500 mg/day, I don't know what the dose is for bipolar people, but I think that I take a much higher doseage. I was in denial for a while and stopped taking my meds, but it's like playing russian roulette. I could have a seizure and have a stroke, a brain anyeurism (sp?), or throw a clot in my brain and then I would have serious issues. So from now on I have to be good, doped up, and stay medicated. It sucks, I don't really like it, but that's life, sometimes. Link to post Share on other sites
d'Arthez Posted February 24, 2005 Share Posted February 24, 2005 Your prince will come. "All" you have to do is make certain you are ready, to ride on his white horse with him. I would really check out if you might suffer from Bi-polar disorder or not. It is potentially a big piece to the puzzle you are putting together now. It's can suddenly arise if you go even as little as one night without sleep. Stone: Except for Depakote there are other medicins out there for this disorder. It might be a trial and error, to find out. If you want to treat the disorder with medicins let him return to the psychiatrist / therapist / whatever to try some others. Always talk to someone who knows what he is talking about in these matters. Otter: I know your mood is not the greatest, but look on the positive side. The fact that you have so much drama in your interpersonal life, also proves you are making a lot of changes in your life. If Mr. T. proves that he is screwed up, you are better of without him. You may feel lost, but that is the first step, strange as it may seem. You have set the first steps on your journey to heal yourself. Considering where you were two weeks, I feel like you are doing great. BTW do you know how to ride horses? Link to post Share on other sites
Podna Posted February 24, 2005 Share Posted February 24, 2005 Originally posted by blind_otter I just take care of myself and really it can be a bit dangerous....but I can't ask a roommate to help me, I can't ask anyone but my family in good conscience. One day my prince will come...haha OUCH. It hurt me just to read that. I think my heart is officially broken for today! You really need a good friend I think. I have a friend who is a hypoglycemic. He is always doing something boneheaded like skipping meals or working too hard. When he does, he will call me from wherever he is and ask me for help. I lived right down the street so if he is home I could be there faster then an ambulance and shove some sugar down him, or I could give him a shot and fix him up. I have been puked on and pissed on many times. Never really bothers me because I know I could call him from the woods of Alaska telling him I was lost and he would mobilize the National Guard to find my ass. Good friends are hard to find, but once you do, they are priceless. Link to post Share on other sites
Author blind_otter Posted February 24, 2005 Author Share Posted February 24, 2005 Originally posted by d'Arthez You may feel lost, but that is the first step, strange as it may seem. You have set the first steps on your journey to heal yourself. Considering where you were two weeks, I feel like you are doing great. BTW do you know how to ride horses? Actually I do! Although I have a hard time posting, when the horse gallops, I know how to ride Western. Link to post Share on other sites
d'Arthez Posted February 24, 2005 Share Posted February 24, 2005 Time to get the armor and my crown from my closet. Ah ... forget the armor. What good are they nowadays? Link to post Share on other sites
Author blind_otter Posted February 24, 2005 Author Share Posted February 24, 2005 Originally posted by d'Arthez Time to get the armor and my crown from my closet. Ah ... forget the armor. What good are they nowadays? Bring it on! You might need the armor with me, I'm craaaay-zeh. Link to post Share on other sites
Artifact Posted February 24, 2005 Share Posted February 24, 2005 What a lot to take in all at once for you. I can add that I also take Depakote, and every time I have stopped and started it does take 2 weeks to settle in. And I take a lower dose than you are. I hope whatever is making you feel down rights itself! Or at least life will help you settle in some. Bipolar also runs in my family like so many other people who have responded. Although that's not why I take Depakote, my father is one of those people on a Bipolar- Depakote, etc. cocktail twice a day. It took him a while to balance it out, but it happened. So whatever you find out, there's sure to be something. Now you can resume being courted by d'Arthez Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted February 24, 2005 Share Posted February 24, 2005 Originally posted by blind_otter So from now on I have to be good, doped up, and stay medicated. It sucks, I don't really like it, but that's life, sometimes. better to be doped up, B_O, and live a fairly normal life than to be dead or worse, paralyzed. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts