Engaged and left for another man

[HappyLove]

I wrote a letter to her letting everything out, and put it on my wall (not to send). I began writing in a journal each day, several weeks ago when this occurred. I also wrote a list of both short, and long term goals that I intend to each. One of those items on the list was to start counseling.

 

I made the first appointment today. I did this because I realize that I have some co-dependency issues, mainly because obviously I must be insane to miss someone who is so horrible.

 

It's just the nights that the feelings of loneliness and torture come mainly into play.

 

Bravo to you! You are smart about this and way ahead. Some great ideas there. I'd also pick up a hobby or join an interest in a meetup group. Pretty soon you will go days without thinking about her as much. I have plenty of lonely nights but I refuse to waste one second on people who are toxic to my life. Relationships should bring joy not pain.

[SycamoreCircle]

Going for walks helped me in the beginning. Granted, it wasn't a cure all but initially I couldn't focus on anything. I told my story to whoever would listen. I felt so betrayed, so manipulated. Here's my story:

 

https://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/475379-gigs-what-happened

 

The whole "mailbox" incident in your story reminded me of my ex. Barely days after having her affair exposed by me snooping her e-mail, she had the nerve to bring her new man into MY apartment. If I had been there, things would have gotten very ugly. I just don't understand the nerve of some people!

[cereal_dater]

Sucks this happened.. but overall, the breakup will be the best thing that ever happened to you.

 

You deserve/can do better than a woman with three kids and enough baggage to fill a jumbo jet. There are lots of childless women out there ripe for the picking. You have a good head on your shoulders, finish that degree, find a career, and do well for yourself. Why squander all that to raise another man's children? Not trying to be insensitive.. but I firmly believe that dating single parents is counter-productive for a man. He has everything to lose and nothing to gain.

 

I would strongly avoid dating women you meet online. That sh*t is poisonous. They became corrupted with the limitless options and attention, will never be satisfied, and are always back online looking for someone better behind your back.

 

And lastly, be that awesome person with such an exciting life, that it draws women into your world. Never revolve your life around anyone else. Otherwise you're left with nothing when it ends. You've moved, quit your job, given up school, all for nothing when she gets bored and heads back to craigslist looking for the bigger better deal.

[Requiem4Dreams]

Good afternoon LS,

 

If I were to take into account the length of time it's been since I've held an actual conversation with my ex. It would be about 27 days. Sadly though if you have been consistent with this thread I did have to break NC twice in order to set up a meeting to gather my belongings.

 

That being said I find that a lot of triggers will tend to overwhelm me. Something dramatic/romantic in something I'm watching, Having to drive by places that held meaning, hearing a song. Obviously these are all things that cant be helped, but I'm curious beyond the NC thread that already exists here, what other steps can be taken to alleviate these moments of sadness?

 

I have unfortunately not been able to block her on Facebook mainly due in part to the outstanding 900 dollars that she never dropped off, and I'm wondering whether I should just block her and take it as a loss. Based on reading threads on here as well it would probably be a good idea to block her new romantic partner so I don't get that craving.

 

Suggestions?

[Chi townD]

Take the loss. You're not going to see that money anytime soon.

 

 

Start making positive changes in your life. Get to the gym. Start working out. (yeah, I know you got a bad back, talk to a trainer. They can give you some low impact workouts that won't cause anymore damage, like aqua running.) This will help with the stress and frustrations you're having.

 

 

You talked about school starting up, that's good. Study hard and keep your mind focused. Know that everytime you walk out of a classroom, you are one step closer to a better job with a hellva lot better pay. Then, you can afford nicer things, go to the places you really want to vacation to.

 

 

Then, get a new hobby, something that you'll enjoy. Join a club. co-ed sports, cooking class. Something that gets you out and meeting new people.

 

 

Time to take back your life.

[Requiem4Dreams]

I always enjoy reading your comments on the threads I look at Chi. Thank you for the responses you've made to my post. As stated earlier I made a list of short/long term goals. Unfortunately due to the amount of classes I'm taking to finish off the degree this year my social activities will be taking a hit.

 

I'll be blocking her and her new partner once I get home, as I am leaving work now, but thanks for the advice.

[Chi townD]

Dude, I like your motivation. Stick to your goals. If your Ex military then you'll know the next saying I'm going to say, "Work hard, play hard". It's one thing to be focused, but never lose sight to enjoy life.

 

 

One thing I did in college was while setting up my goals is I made a promise to myself that if I got straight A's in my courses, then during the break between semesters, I would take an extended weekend trip somewhere. Deep sea fishing or whatever. Maybe you should think about setting yourself up with a rewards system.

 

 

Something to think about to keep you motivated.

[Requiem4Dreams]

So sitting here tonight on my day off I'm sipping a crown and coke. While this may be a bad alternative to coping, I do this now because I rarely ever do it.

 

I remember reading earlier in my post about how I need to stop saving women, and find a mature and loving woman capable of being my equal. Tonight my question is, what exactly do women like that look like? What does this love entail?

 

I'm a firm believer in Arete; personal growth. I am not the same man that I was yesterday, or 10 years before. My co-dependency is much smaller than it used to be. Take this last break-up for example. In my earlier years I would have begged, and pleaded, and pushed. Yet for this one I did none of those things. I dropped her like a hot potato and didn't look back.

 

However, we all have a moment where we find ourselves up, and then later down. This is one such moment, but that question has been bothering me lately. I'd really like to know what these women act like, or how they think. What differentiates them from those that are broken in this thread?

 

How does one find them? I have absolutely no intention of looking for another relationship or date for a very long time, but I would like some sign as to what these fabled creatures exhibit in personality.

 

Any help?

[Requiem4Dreams]

I guess another question that has been bothering me lately has been. That being she left me for another man, should I feel like less of a man? Were she to be happy at this precise moment, would that be a failure on my part where it should be me doing such a thing for her?

 

If she were to get married, would I have been a failure as that was our ultimate goal as we were engaged? That the other man she is currently seeing succeeded beyond what I was capable of.

 

I read a thread on here, basically the gist was that the other guy was an infidel, a lesser creature who simply was a better negotiator than I myself was capable of being.

 

I'm not exactly sure what I'm asking, beyond should I take this as failure on my part for being incapable of being that person? I don't think I should in all honesty, as I wasn't the one who chased after a woman whom was engaged, nor was I so weak willed that someone could influence me in such a way to change how I felt about a partner that I was engaged to.

Edited August 22, 2014 by Requiem4Dreams

[No Limit]

Don't you ever start thinking this way. When someone cheats or leaves for someone else, it's always their issues. Always.

And the few cases where OM/OW actually pride themselves in "conquering" someone who is married - well, needless to say they're having issues too.

 

The only thing you could ask yourself is "How could I ever fall for someone like her? :sick:" I hope your experience will make you a bit more careful about your choosen partners in the future. Other than that, keep moving on; time is a big factor here.

[Zeurich]

I am sure it is hard for you, Be happy that some one who does not care for you left your life. I don't think I will ever talk to her after seeing she was being with men in her house even her ex or foot rubber or how they called them selves. Just dump her stuff out side of the house, if she want she come and get it, and for your stuff if those are not that important let is go,, buy new cloths. Start fresh over. Hope you will be feeling better soon.

[Chi townD]

I guess another question that has been bothering me lately has been. That being she left me for another man, should I feel like less of a man? Were she to be happy at this precise moment, would that be a failure on my part where it should be me doing such a thing for her?

 

If she were to get married, would I have been a failure as that was our ultimate goal as we were engaged? That the other man she is currently seeing succeeded beyond what I was capable of.

 

I read a thread on here, basically the gist was that the other guy was an infidel, a lesser creature who simply was a better negotiator than I myself was capable of being.

 

I'm not exactly sure what I'm asking, beyond should I take this as failure on my part for being incapable of being that person? I don't think I should in all honesty, as I wasn't the one who chased after a woman whom was engaged, nor was I so weak willed that someone could influence me in such a way to change how I felt about a partner that I was engaged to.

 

 

Why would you see yourself as less than a man? You did NOTHING wrong! If she was unhappy about something, then she should have approached you with her concerns. Did she do that? No? Then, how is that your failure? Are you a mind reader?

 

 

Less than a man? Did you cheat? Did you verbally or physically abuse her? Did you treat her with kindness, love and respect? Did you treat her the way a girl deserves to be treated? Did you treat her as your equal? Your partner in crime? Your better half? Have you held onto your morals and beliefs that if you dedicate yourself to a person, then you stay true to them?

 

 

I think that's pretty much the definition of what a true man is.

 

 

You have to ask yourself about your Ex. What kind of woman allows herself to get close to another man when she promised to be exclusive to one already. What kind of woman cheats? What kind of woman goes back on her vows or breaks her promises to another and leaves the relationship for the man she's cheating with.

 

 

Not much of a woman if you ask me!

[johnson_j]

Chi that was a very powerful post.

 

 

R4AD - hang in there buddy. This is going to be a very trying time, and please don't see her moving onto him as a failure on your part. I know exactly how it feels. And it hurts like a kick in the balls "what does he have that I don't have". But remember that a girl prone to jumping ship like that is no good for ANYONE, including the new man. Just wait until they get out of the honeymoon phase, and it won't be pretty I can promise you that.

 

 

I had/have the same thoughts and doubts and spend 50% of my time feeling bad about it, and 50% of the time feeling bad for the other guy. Hope it becomes 1%/99% soon.

[Requiem4Dreams]

Why would you see yourself as less than a man? You did NOTHING wrong! If she was unhappy about something, then she should have approached you with her concerns. Did she do that? No? Then, how is that your failure? Are you a mind reader?

 

 

Less than a man? Did you cheat? Did you verbally or physically abuse her? Did you treat her with kindness, love and respect? Did you treat her the way a girl deserves to be treated? Did you treat her as your equal? Your partner in crime? Your better half? Have you held onto your morals and beliefs that if you dedicate yourself to a person, then you stay true to them?

 

 

I think that's pretty much the definition of what a true man is.

 

 

You have to ask yourself about your Ex. What kind of woman allows herself to get close to another man when she promised to be exclusive to one already. What kind of woman cheats? What kind of woman goes back on her vows or breaks her promises to another and leaves the relationship for the man she's cheating with.

 

 

Not much of a woman if you ask me!

 

 

 

As usual you are spot on Chi. One day I'll have your exact thoughts, the next I'll have the doubts I just put down. From on moment to the next I'm moving on, then find myself back in the throes of sadness.

 

I've never liked rollercoasters, and I know that I'm better than this, because I've felt it before and I learned from it then. It just seems like my brain is unwilling to remember that right now.

[Requiem4Dreams]

R4AD - hang in there buddy. This is going to be a very trying time, and please don't see her moving onto him as a failure on your part. I know exactly how it feels. And it hurts like a kick in the balls "what does he have that I don't have". But remember that a girl prone to jumping ship like that is no good for ANYONE, including the new man. Just wait until they get out of the honeymoon phase, and it won't be pretty I can promise you that.

 

 

I had/have the same thoughts and doubts and spend 50% of my time feeling bad about it, and 50% of the time feeling bad for the other guy. Hope it becomes 1%/99% soon.

 

Thanks. I really hope I get to that same place too. I know the statement, it's so very cliche. Time heals all, but I've always been a philosopher. It's not time that does the healing, it's the memory fading into obscurity and becoming less important as new ones take their place.

[Oberfeldwebel]

I remember reading earlier in my post about how I need to stop saving women, and find a mature and loving woman capable of being my equal. Tonight my question is, what exactly do women like that look like? What does this love entail?

 

It is finding someone that is an equal. If you put someone on a pedestal above you, this is not a relationships of equals. The other person is the superior person in the relationship, they rarely respect you for this behavior. All successful relationships are built on the premise of the relationship meaning more than the individuals own desires. We are all attracted to those that are pretty/handsome. We spend little time talking about all the things in a relationship that causes us stress (finances, children, religion, boundaries). I highly recommend premarital counseling on your next go around. I know that is a long way off for you today, but it will happen in time. Look for someone that you enjoy doing things together (hiking, photography, diving, golf, music, ....etc).

[Requiem4Dreams]

So I went to the OM's fb to block him. As I was pushing the button I noticed the relationship status was already in a relationship with my ex. That kind of hurt, I expected it true, but that the relationship hasn't even been dead a month. I often wonder what her friends and family think of seeing in a relationship with me, to a new man within a matter of weeks.

 

Anyway that's done. Not my problem anymore, and amazingly the pain really wasnt that bad. I think I may be doing pretty good on keeping my emotions together far better than I have ever done in my past.

 

I even had a dream last night where she came to my door crying, and she begged for us to work things out. I say this because the dream surprised me. Instead of accepting the apology, I tore her down one side, and up the other with how stupid she is throwing away our reality for her larping fantasy. It felt really good, and I woke up feel amazing.

 

So I know now, my dreams are in line with my actual thoughts of what I would do if she came back. That makes me feel good.

[Requiem4Dreams]

It's been a little over 2 months since my ex broke it off with me for another man. Obviously it took some time, but eventually I was able to get my head straight and realize the enormous favor that she did for me. Today was a really good day, I finally got the new leather jacket I've been waiting nearly a month for, and felt like I could rule the world.

 

I had no belief that my ex would contact me at all. Though I have never been engaged nor left for someone else, considering the way she left me, it would seem impossible a task to try to return. She didn't just burn the bridge she had with me, she napalmed that sh*t, and bounced up and down on the wreckage while I stood on it just for good measure.

 

I get a message today from her on my Facebook *I kept the line open in case she needed a way to give me back the remainder of my things* with just a word of Hi.

 

Obviously I didn't respond, being that this is a breadcrumb. I began thinking about what sort of dementia would afflict her that she thought in any reality I would want to even talk to her, but sadly came up blank. While I realize she still has a few books of mine, and 900 dollars that she never gave back, I chalked it up to a loss on my part.

 

Since I never gave her back the key to her apartment *due to not getting everything she owed me* I could only think that this is the reason she is messaging me. However, keep in mind it's been two months, and I'm fairly certain she moved in with her new man.

 

It just perplexes me. I have absolutely no intention of responding to her, but I'm still stumped as to what the hell she could possibly want from me at this point.

 

Anyway, that's my story. The previous man I was would of jumped on this like an all you can eat buffet, but I'm much wiser these days.

[No Limit]

Glad you're doing better. And she definitely did you a favor, unless you were ever keen on raising kids of other men believing they were yours and other crap.

 

 

People like her don't know any "lines", aren't hesitant and have no regards for anyone else but themselves. Since you blocked the OM already, I suggest you block her too.