Caught my parents cheating (sort of)

[future_stewardess]

If you want the short version, I have just found out my parents are swingers and I’m having trouble dealing with it.

 

If you want the story well here it is.

 

I came home early from school one day and went straight upstairs to my room, I heard noises from downstairs and long story short It was my mom with another guy. I was disgusted that she was cheating and had every intention of confronting her but I guess nerves got the better of me. She had no idea I was even home.

 

Weeks later an almost identical situation happened but this time she was with a man and a woman. I felt so sorry for my dad and I vowed to work up the courage to say something.

 

Before I had the chance to tell I caught him cheating. I was not coping with this information at all. It’s really not nice knowing both your parents are cheating on each other. I had no choice but to tell and one night it all just exploded out.

 

After a lot of embarrassment, apologizing and crying the end result was such a long way from what I was expecting. My parents are swingers. They have been for more than 10 years. They have just now decided that they are going to be true to themselves and are no longer keeping it secret. They said they wanted to tell me but couldn’t find the way. I understand that after I couldn’t find a way to tell when I thought they were cheating.

 

The thing is now that I just can’t look at them the same. The thought of my mom being with countless other men and women just doesn’t sit well with me. Knowing that this woman who gave me so much good advice about boys has gone nowhere near living what she was teaching makes me angry. I can’t even explain why but it does.

 

I’m finding it hard to have any respect for my dad as I feel he hasn’t respected my mom. He swears he does and mom backs him up but I don’t know how he can kiss another woman in front of my mom. The thought that he does so much more than that is mind boggling. Why would he? Why would mom let him?

 

To add to all that my boyfriend is not helping at all. He’s hoping it’s going to be a case of like mother like daughter. I have no desire to even consider it but it would have been nice if he was there for me just to listen rather than trying to organize a threesome. I don’t feel there is much future in this relationship now but I really don’t want to be alone right now.

 

I’m not sure what I’m even asking or expecting from here, I just needed to write it all down somewhere.

[whichwayisup]

Your parents should have spoken to you about this before having people in the house, leaving opportunities for you to walk in and catch them, which you unfortunately did. It's bad enough walking in and seeing your own parents in bed, no kid wants to 'see' their folks going at it. I can how this is 100x worse.

 

Your parents sex life and the fact they are swingers has nothing to do with you. It's a lifestyle choice (they are happy with and it works for them) they've kept hidden from you for a long time.

 

You have every right to feel upset and angry, confused and grossed out but at the end of the day they aren't going to change. Not sure how old you are but maybe it's time to move out so you won't see this again, or if you still need to live at home ask your parents to take their activity elsewhere.

[future_stewardess]

I am 17. I am nowhere near financially independent enough to move out.

 

They have said they will be discreet but they were supposedly being discreet before so I don't have a lot of faith in that promise.

 

The worst thing is that I don't feel like I can talk to them anymore, I certainly don't feel comfortable talking to mom about my private life like I used to. I know deep down that's probably not fair as they are still the same people they always were but it's just hard to see them that way now. All I see is my mom opening her legs for every man and my dad cheering her on. No doubt that's not the way swingers work (?) but it's the image I can't shake.

[Tbisb74]

I have to agree with whichwayisup; Their sexual proclivities, tastes and persuasions are actually nothing to do with you. They are who they are, and they do what they enjoy doing, for whatever reasons. And there's absolutely nothing wrong with that. However, the circumstances in which you found out are completely unacceptable, and must have come as a shock to you. Many people can't actually bring themselves to think of their parents as being sexual partners (yet, here "you" are!) and to think of one's own parents actually still 'doing' it...? At their age?! Really freaks some people out. But it's all still an imagined scenario. You, you poor thing, got an absolute eyeful.

And yes, you have absolutely every right to be mad at them. Every time you come home now, yell at the top of your voice: "Ok, guys, I am home now - I hope you aren't up to anything sexual that would embarrass us all, because you know how pissed off I was the LAST time I caught you at it!!" If that's not enough to make them sit up and behave, then they're more selfish than I thought....

[MsSmurf]

Yikes parent sex is gross regardless of what they're doing or who they've added. Like the others have said, they are happy with their choice of sexual activities and aren't going to change. Its going to take time for you to feel comfortable around them again and you can't force that. So what can you do at 17 without money to move out? Get busy.

 

Start studying at the library after school, join more clubs, volunteer, play sports, take classes at a community college to get ahead, get a part time job, etc. Post a calendar on the fridge noting very clear times when you will be out and your expected arrival home and that should give your parents a very clear hint that the party needs to end before then. If you're really wanting to be sure the coast is clear then ring the bell first and/or loudly announce you're home. In time you'll go back to feeling like they're your parents and you'll push this knowledge about them as far out of your mind as possible.

 

As for that bf of yours? If his response to your clear anger and devastation is "soooooo how about a 3some?" then he's immature. I'm guessing he's around your age so such an immature reaction shouldn't be surprising, but there's nothing wrong with you ending the relationship if you're both on different pages. He isn't being supportive of your needs so you may be better off without him.

[future_stewardess]

Like the others have said, they are happy with their choice of sexual activities and aren't going to change.

 

You know, I'm not really concerned that they are swingers, in fact the whole concept of that is rather intriguing. But this isn't just any couple, this is my parents and like people have said it's just gross.

 

My main issue is that now that they have "come out" (that's my brothers fault) that their discretion has gone by the wayside.

 

I also feel like all our talks and being really open and honest was all just a lie, it was all one way. I was told mom everything and relied on her for advice and guidance but she was keeping this huge secret and giving advice contrary to what she was practicing in real life. I feel like I don't even know the real her.

 

Get busy.

 

I think that is the best option right now.

 

As for that bf of yours

 

Yeah, I think we're through. I haven't told him yet and I do hope that it improves quickly but I have seen a side I don't really like. Unless it improves we are through. Even this week when we were having sex after we finished he whispers wouldn't it be great if another woman was here, I mean what a great moment killer!

[MsSmurf]

 

Yeah, I think we're through. I haven't told him yet and I do hope that it improves quickly but I have seen a side I don't really like. Unless it improves we are through. Even this week when we were having sex after we finished he whispers wouldn't it be great if another woman was here, I mean what a great moment killer!

 

That is an awful thing for him to say after such an intimate moment.

[Tbisb74]

....Even this week when we were having sex after we finished he whispers wouldn't it be great if another woman was here, I mean what a great moment killer!

 

You should have looked at him in surprise, and replied..."Oh...no...I'm thinking another guy....! Much more fun for me!" That would have sorted him out in a jiffy....!

[future_stewardess]

That is an awful thing for him to say after such an intimate moment.

 

These are the sort of things I would talk to mom about, we were very close and she knew all my secrets. I can't do that now, or at least I don't feel I can at this time so I have no-one to bounce my feelings off.

 

I want my old mom back, I wish they could have just stayed in the closet and I never found out.

[CarrieT]

These are the sort of things I would talk to mom about, we were very close and she knew all my secrets.

You probably still can, if you can get past the hurt.

 

I want my old mom back, I wish they could have just stayed in the closet and I never found out.

Every child want to maintain those illusions they have about their parents and it is shocking when we learn they are human.

 

I'm sorry you are hurting by this. Have you told your Mom and Dad how much you are hurt by learning what you learned? How you came about it is horrible. But perhaps there is a greater relationship to be had with your parents now that the egg has been broken.

 

As much as you are shattered by this, please put yourself in your Mom's shoes a bit and understand that she is probably going through similar emotions of hurting in the destruction of her relationship with YOU. She probably wishes she could go back, but being a sexually open person, the only then she knew what to do was being honest with you.

 

Be honest with her and I think you'll be surprised how quickly you will start to heal.

[GingerVixen]

I am not going to say what the other people are saying in here. I am going to be completely honest to you.

 

I understand your rage, OP, and I would be disgusted if I were you, too. It is not okay to find out that your parents are swingers. The liberal members in here will say I'm exaggerating but in my mind I could never deal with the fact my mother and my father are having sex with multiple partners in ways I could never imagine. It is totally against my principles, and everybody has their own principles... My principles just cannot accept this kind of thing.

 

I have been through a similar - but way less shocking - situation when I found out my father was addicted to porn, including incestual porn. I couldn't look at him the way I used to before, and I can tell you that my relationship with him was never the same from that moment on. Later on my mother divorced from him and I don't talk to him unless it is strictly necessary . I have never been close to my father, he has always been this distant and selfish man who would call my mother the most horrible names you can ever imagine, and after I found out we was watching those disgusting porn videos I couldn't deal with it anymore. Today I can say with extreme disappointment that I am not friends with my father anymore. I don't talk to him anymore.

 

I totally feel you OP and I understand how it difficult it must be nowadays to deal with this situation. I don't know how old you are but maybe you should spend a short period of time in your grandparents' house or maybe in a friend's house, just to wait until you can deal with this situation with more rationality and good sense. They're your parents after all. But yeah, I won't tell you it's easy because it isn't. I wish you good luck and if you want someone to talk to about this, PM me.

[Priv]

She probably wishes she could go back, but being a sexually open person, the only then she knew what to do was being honest with you.

.

 

She was being honest, by making sure she was swinging knowing her clueless daughter would be home any minute after school. So was her dad a short while after.

 

 

An incredible dumb and stupid and shameless thing to do. I am sorry for you OP. But hey, they are still yur family. Idiots that they may be

[Tbisb74]

I am not going to say what the other people are saying in here. I am going to be completely honest to you.

 

I understand your rage, OP, and I would be disgusted if I were you, too. It is not okay to find out that your parents are swingers. The liberal members in here will say I'm exaggerating but in my mind I could never deal with the fact my mother and my father are having sex with multiple partners in ways I could never imagine. It is totally against my principles, and everybody has their own principles... My principles just cannot accept this kind of thing.

 

I have been through a similar - but way less shocking - situation when I found out my father was addicted to porn, including incestual porn. I couldn't look at him the way I used to before, and I can tell you that my relationship with him was never the same from that moment on. Later on my mother divorced from him and I don't talk to him unless it is strictly necessary . I have never been close to my father, he has always been this distant and selfish man who would call my mother the most horrible names you can ever imagine, and after I found out we was watching those disgusting porn videos I couldn't deal with it anymore. Today I can say with extreme disappointment that I am not friends with my father anymore. I don't talk to him anymore.

 

I totally feel you OP and I understand how it difficult it must be nowadays to deal with this situation. I don't know how old you are but maybe you should spend a short period of time in your grandparents' house or maybe in a friend's house, just to wait until you can deal with this situation with more rationality and good sense. They're your parents after all. But yeah, I won't tell you it's easy because it isn't. I wish you good luck and if you want someone to talk to about this, PM me.

 

The difference between your situation and that of the OP's is that your situation was degrading and harmful to your mother and of course, by association, to you. The OP's parents love one another,and they love their daughter. I'm sorry you believe what they are doing is wrong, but this is a purely subjective opinion on your part, sadly but very really warped by the hideous experience you had within your family environment. The two situations are not comparable. Your view of intimacy is marred by the memories you have of the sexual influence you received, which was one of the worst possible kinds, hence, your opinion is bound to be very tarnished...

I'm dreadfully sorry you had to go through the experience you did. It's tragic that it should have left you with such an outlook.