Aug10 Posted August 2, 2014 Share Posted August 2, 2014 (edited) Here's the (hopefully) short version of our back story: My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years, we lived together for a year, had some hiccups in the relationship and then he moved to another city for a job. We technically broke up but talked every day and still hung out multiple times a week. Long story short, after a few months in another state, I ended up back in the same city that he had moved to - we now live 2 miles apart and have rekindled our relationship. The last 2 weeks he seems to have made some shady/questionable actions regarding us and our communication, so I'm kind of worried, but he has never cheated on me or given me a reason to not trust him. About 6 months ago, he made plans to go out of the country for a vacation with some friends from college that live in south america; also going on this vacation is his ex-girlfriend... They dated while in college which was several years ago. I believe there is about 2-3 other people from this group of friends going as well, so it's not just the 2 of them alone. I understand that this was a really tight knit group of friends in college, but should I be jealous or worried about his ex being there? We are still working on our relationship, so I didn't want to be 'that' jealous girlfriend and get all worked up and start a fight then send him off. He won't have cell service while there so there will be no communication for a week - I can only imagine what my mind is going to conjure up in that time! Should I bring this up with him when he calls for the last time (he's at the airport NOW)? Edited August 2, 2014 by Aug10 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted August 2, 2014 Share Posted August 2, 2014 I would be a bit uneasy because she's an EX girlfriend. Do you otherwise trust your BF? If so hang on to that. Will he have internet or some other way to contact you? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Aug10 Posted August 2, 2014 Author Share Posted August 2, 2014 As I said, he's never given me a reason to think he would cheat or anything. However, I worry that this being the college group of friends that drank and partied heavily together back then, that that will inevitably happen now too (which is fine, it's his vacation and he hasn't seen any of these people in a couple of years) - but I worry that under those circumstances that something may happen... and that perhaps the 'shadiness' of recent events is linked to this trip...? Link to post Share on other sites
Keenly Posted August 2, 2014 Share Posted August 2, 2014 People are who they are. This includes while drunk. If your boyfriend is a trustworthy person , he will be when he is out with his friends on vacation too. If he isn't then he won't be. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Space Ritual Posted August 3, 2014 Share Posted August 3, 2014 Here's the (hopefully) short version of our back story: My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years, we lived together for a year, had some hiccups in the relationship and then he moved to another city for a job. We technically broke up but talked every day and still hung out multiple times a week. Long story short, after a few months in another state, I ended up back in the same city that he had moved to - we now live 2 miles apart and have rekindled our relationship. The last 2 weeks he seems to have made some shady/questionable actions regarding us and our communication, so I'm kind of worried, but he has never cheated on me or given me a reason to not trust him. About 6 months ago, he made plans to go out of the country for a vacation with some friends from college that live in south america; also going on this vacation is his ex-girlfriend... They dated while in college which was several years ago. I believe there is about 2-3 other people from this group of friends going as well, so it's not just the 2 of them alone. I understand that this was a really tight knit group of friends in college, but should I be jealous or worried about his ex being there? We are still working on our relationship, so I didn't want to be 'that' jealous girlfriend and get all worked up and start a fight then send him off. He won't have cell service while there so there will be no communication for a week - I can only imagine what my mind is going to conjure up in that time! Should I bring this up with him when he calls for the last time (he's at the airport NOW)? Uh no, don't bring it up with him.....just tell him when he gets back that any of his items that he may have at your place will be neatly boxed up and he can arrange for somebody to come pick them up. Ok I am not the most eloquent person on this forum nor the brightest, but I will let you in on a little secret...... While your boyfriend is on vacation far away he and his ex girlfriend are going to have sex. Probably many times. I am very sorry to be blunt here because i know you came here looking for some reassurance that something like this will not occur. But occur it will..... I'm sorry, please just move on now before you get to the stage where he returns from the trip, acts weird for a few days and when you question him he starts off with: "Well this one night we were drinking and...." Please spare yourself from being subjected to that conversation..... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted August 3, 2014 Share Posted August 3, 2014 I'd look at this as an opportunity. He goes off with friends and I'm sure they'll party it up. His ex is there. No idea the dynamic there. But here's the thing. When he comes back, they'll either be together or you and he will. So once he comes back to you, you can totally stop worrying about her because if anything was going to happen, this trip would be it. If it doesn't happen then, it's not going to happen. You can then rest easy. If they were getting back together, it would happen sometime anyway. Better to find out now than a year from now. Wasted time is the main downside, over the long term, to failed relationships. Honestly, if there's more women going, I'd be more concerned about them than the ex. But again, fastest way to find out if what you have is strong is to leave the door open rather than prolonging things by worry and monitoring. Less angst, less time wasted, less pissing off the bf with distrust. Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted August 3, 2014 Share Posted August 3, 2014 Yep, he's gonna do the Ex. No doubt about it. Personally, I wouldn't bother continuing in a relationship like this. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
CC12 Posted August 3, 2014 Share Posted August 3, 2014 but I worry that under those circumstances that something may happen... and that perhaps the 'shadiness' of recent events is linked to this trip...? Can you elaborate on these "shady" recent events? I think that would help paint a better picture of what's going on, because if: he's never given me a reason to think he would cheat or anything. Then you shouldn't worry about it. If you focus so hard on what might go wrong, you're probably going to find something to object to since he's going on a party vacation with friends from college. What I mean is, something is going to happen that probably could look bad if you're on high alert for that kind of thing, you know? Like for example, if they all go out drinking and at the end of the night, everyone else falls asleep and it's just the two of them, it could be completely innocent, but if you're looking for little hints of his infidelity, you'd probably be really bothered by this. On that note, I don't think it would be out of line to ask him to keep some boundaries while on this trip, namely, "Don't spend any time alone with her." That seems like a completely reasonable request, and it shouldn't be hard for him to agree to that if he's serious about your relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
lolablue17 Posted August 3, 2014 Share Posted August 3, 2014 Nobody can tell, maybe nothing will happen there. But I do think that people in a committed relationship shouldn't go to that kind of vacation (wild drinking, parties with EXes in an exotic area) without inviting their spouses to join them. (unless of course their spouse is totally OK with it but it's their responsibility to verify) So basically I wouldn't be OK with my gf doing that and it probably would be a deal breaker for me. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
WrinkledForehead Posted August 3, 2014 Share Posted August 3, 2014 I would absolutely not be okay with my partner vacationing with his ex. I would not tolerate it, and he's very aware of that. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted August 3, 2014 Share Posted August 3, 2014 (edited) His ex GF is an ex for a reason....it didn't work out. I had a few exes that were friends, and there was never any temptation to sleep with them ever so I think they feel the same way. If anything was going on he would never have ventured rekindling YOUR relationship knowing they were going on this trip.They are just a group of close knit friends going on vacation, one that was planned 6 months ago. Him being shady? He's probably knows this is not appropriate, so he is being careful not to upset you, because he does want to make your relationship work. Since it's only 2 weeks in, are you actually official? Have you both verbally made it known that you two are exclusive? or are you just feeling each other out and still in the works of maybe starting a committed relationship again? If you are just assuming you better make sure you clarify where you stand. before he leaves Edited August 3, 2014 by smackie9 Link to post Share on other sites
Dork Vader Posted August 4, 2014 Share Posted August 4, 2014 (edited) Hmm sticky situation. It really depends on your relationship with him. What is "shady" or how was he shady? I would not start a fight with him about it. It's not worth it and you don't want to be on bitter terms while he is out of the Country with her. How is his ex in this picture? Are there other woman coming in this group? If so I would not be overly concerned about it. The simple truth is this guy is either going to be faithful or he is going to cheat. If he has never given you reason to suspect that he'd cheat then I would not worry about it. As for communication see if he'd be willing to get a calling card and call you. That should help with the time. I would not start a fight about it. Wait for something to happen and if it does then deal with it. I would agree with others that this type of thing is not really appropriate when in a committed relationship. But if he had made the plans before you two got back together so be it. Just deal with it for now. Edited August 4, 2014 by Dork Vader Link to post Share on other sites
Try Posted August 4, 2014 Share Posted August 4, 2014 About 6 months ago, he made plans to go out of the country for a vacation with some friends from college that live in south america; also going on this vacation is his ex-girlfriend... They dated while in college which was several years ago. I believe there is about 2-3 other people from this group of friends going as well, so it's not just the 2 of them alone. I understand that this was a really tight knit group of friends in college Your boyfriend vacationing with his ex-girlfriend from college along with 2-3 of their close friends from college is a recipe for disaster. These 2-3 other friends that will be going, rather than safeguarding your relationship, will be encouraging the two of them to get back together. She is their friend not you. They already think of them as a couple and when they rekindle the good old days on the trip, them being a couple will be a big part of that. You have a right to be jealous when the other person gives you good reason to be jealous, and you definitely have a good reason to be. If he wants to remain in a committed relationship with you, then he should not be going on this trip with his ex. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted August 4, 2014 Share Posted August 4, 2014 Just because they have parts that fit doesn't mean they are going to use them. Link to post Share on other sites
Javelin Posted August 6, 2014 Share Posted August 6, 2014 (edited) Seems like you should find a new boyfriend. I say this because anyone that goes on a group vacation with an ex- is either daft or just doesn't care about the possible outcomes of their excursion. Did you boyfriend switch cities during your relationship or after you broke up? (If during, the above 'doesn't care' part holds true.) Edited August 6, 2014 by Javelin 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Smilecharmer Posted August 6, 2014 Share Posted August 6, 2014 When in a committed relationship, one simply doesn't put themselves in situations where there is temptation to cheat or that makes their SOs feel insecure and bad. He still wants to be single, so let him. I'm Not tolerant of being disrespected and very firm about that so there can be no confusion or vagueness that any man who wants to be with me won't go on vacations with ex gfs. I understand now why so many people get cheated on, no boundaries. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Diezel Posted August 6, 2014 Share Posted August 6, 2014 Remind me why you didn't get added into the group going over there? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted August 6, 2014 Share Posted August 6, 2014 Why aren't you going OP? It's dangerous because you don't know what the ex's feelings are for your bf. If she still has feelings for him she will go for it. Link to post Share on other sites
Thegreatestthing Posted August 7, 2014 Share Posted August 7, 2014 There's email, and skype to keep I'm communication he doesn't seem to care about you much Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted August 7, 2014 Share Posted August 7, 2014 OP never answered my question....did he make it known that they are "officially" in a committed relationship again? If not, no one should be complaining about him going on this trip. Link to post Share on other sites
Javelin Posted August 7, 2014 Share Posted August 7, 2014 (edited) OP never answered my question....did he make it known that they are "officially" in a committed relationship again? If not, no one should be complaining about him going on this trip. Technically the answer to your question is in the original post as she's stated, " we rekindled our relationship. " And, a relationship by default requires 50/50 commitment from both parties. That said, it seems like her boyfriend is only putting in 10. Edited August 7, 2014 by Javelin Link to post Share on other sites
mammasita Posted August 7, 2014 Share Posted August 7, 2014 HELLLLLLLL F*#K no. I don't care if my man is trustworthy or not. Its all about perception and if my BF cared anything about me and my feelings he would NEVER go on a vacation with his ex much less other women without me. Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted August 7, 2014 Share Posted August 7, 2014 Technically the answer to your question is in the original post as she's stated, " we rekindled our relationship. " And, a relationship by default requires 50/50 commitment from both parties. That said, it seems like her boyfriend is only putting in 10. "rekindled" could mean they are talking things out, and are hanging out together BUT, if it is not verbally stipulated that they are indeed "together" officially, then he is free to do whatever. One should never "assume" they are offical just because they are seeing each other. If this trip was pending, both should have backed off, from seeing each other IMO. Link to post Share on other sites
Javelin Posted August 8, 2014 Share Posted August 8, 2014 "rekindled" could mean they are talking things out, and are hanging out together BUT, if it is not verbally stipulated that they are indeed "together" officially, then he is free to do whatever. One should never "assume" they are offical just because they are seeing each other. If this trip was pending, both should have backed off, from seeing each other IMO. Guess we'll have to hear it from the OP. /waits Link to post Share on other sites
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