She was engaged!! Do I tell?

[lollipopspot]

Tell your friend. Tell everyone you know in that circle. The news will spread on its own just fine. If asked about it, tell the whole story again. Be honest and truthful and you will have done the right thing.

 

You have good morals.

 

I think spreading it all around to everyone is a violation of "kiss and tell" and makes the OP look like a cad. I'd sure never sleep with someone like that and I don't think that's good morals.

 

If one feels compelled to discreetly tell a fiancé that's different, although in his case probably not a great idea.

 

People might consider that the fiancé may not want "everyone" to know he's been cheated on either.

[marcjb]

I don't think that's good morals.

 

Oh, the irony!

[lollipopspot]

Oh, the irony!

 

She's responsible for her morality, he's responsible for his.

[Allumere]

She contacted me today on facebook apologizing for using me and again asking for secrecy. I told her I wasn't prepared to offer her that and that the only reason I had not told yet was because I had no way of contacting her fiance.

 

Now this woman is a piece of work, her reply was to beg for me to stay quiet and if I did we could have some more time together!! Does she have any idea why I kicked her out? Ahh, who cares what she thinks anyway.

 

I am absolutely certain I am going to tell now. She talks extensively about her fiance on her facebook but he is not on her friends list?!?

 

I really didn't want to get friends involved as it can get too messy, especially if he decides to forgive her but everyone already knows. She has mentioned on facebook that there is a rehearsal tomorrow where they are getting married. I was thinking of turning up and leaving a note on his window with a full story as well as a screen capture of her facebook message to me.

 

That's about the best I can do other than approaching him in person.

 

Another thing that has been bugging me is what her friends at this party were doing? Why didn't one of them step in when we were flirting and at least say 'you know she's engaged mate'. Why did they let me give her a lift home? Why didn't one of them take her home? Surely they aren't in on this little tryst and approved of her actions?

 

Good. And if you haven't deleted the conversation you now have evidence to provide to her fiance. Not only is she disrespectful she is pretty dumb.

[Allumere]

Don't know why you're so afflicted by this, unfortunately this isn't as rare as you think it is...but at the end of the day it has nothing to do with you.

 

She didn't sleep with you by coincidence, this is just how this girl is. You're taking it way too personal, it wasn't about you, and you have no real relationship with this girl or guy to feel obligated in alarming him..so she slept with you for 3 days and was engaged, big deal...had nothing to do with you, and as soon as you found out you kicked her out...you could have essentially hooked up with another woman and never found out, in this case you have some loose connection with her but there's no point in you pursuing this and trying to "save" the guy, you're a complete stranger and a lot of these guys with these women tend to know they are a bit sketchy in their behavior anyway, and the ones that don't know are usually blind to the type of girl he's really marrying, I've seen plenty but he wouldn't be the first or the last guy you'll see naively marrying a woman he perceives as someone she isn't. Women in general are pretty good at hiding their crazy, but some women are extremely good at hiding their whole true selves, just showing the side that they want the man to see, all the while him not knowing she was taking it from another guy just recently or the entire time she was with him.

 

In her case, she sounds like the type of girl that sees commitment and security as a separate thing from fun and essentially being self-destructive, I'm sure she at least plans on remaining faithful once married for now. But she's probably a good manipulator, you have to be in order to live a dual life like that, so if you try to open a can of worms on her, she'll convince the guy and have him coming after you as the bad guy...he's not going to believe you over her, he doesn't want to...for example;

 

You on the phone: "Hey, just to let you know your fiance is a slut and we slept together for 3 days after meeting at a party...she didn't tell me until after we hooked up that she was engaged, and asked me to keep it a secret but I kicked her out and said no thanks, I'd think twice about marrying her If I were you" *click*

 

Sometime later..

 

BF "We need to talk Stacy..."

 

Stacy "Ok, is something wrong honey?"

 

BF "I just got a phone call, and the guy told me he was using you as a pincushion the other night, having sex with you for 3 days...WTF! is going on here"

 

Stacy "OMG, are you serious? who called you?"

 

BF "He didn't say, but he told me he met you at a party the other night and he ended up sleeping with you for 3 days!!! is that what you were doing, you weren't even with your mom looking for things for the wedding?"

 

Stacy "Calm down, I don't know what you're talking about or who this guy is, I never slept with anyone, I have no idea what is going on right now"

 

BF "You better tell me if there is something going on or if something happened RIGHT NOW! because if you cheated on me this is over!"

 

Stacy "OMGOD! just stop it, I don't know who this guy is but he's clearly a jerk and someone trying to ruin my life, I don't know who he is. Are you seriously going to listen to him and trust him? some random guy calls you on the phone and says I'm a slut and slept with me and you believe him? over me?...that is ridiculous that you would even BELIEVE something like that"

 

BF "I swear Stacy, if you did something like that you better tell me right now! I'm not playing around at all, this is serious and if this is true this is so damn over and you can get your sh*t and leave"

 

Stacy "WHAT! first of all! I would NEVER cheat on you with anyone else, I want to be with you for the rest of my life and we're getting married in a few weeks...I would NEVER sacrifice that for some random night with some jerk who's going to call you on the phone, you're the only man I ever think about and the only man I've ever been with since we've met...I can't believe that you are actually accusing me of doing this to you, to us, to ME! *starts to cry* and it really hurts that you would believe something like that from a random stranger... and then get angry and attack me over it without even giving me a chance, it's so hurtful"

 

BF "Well what I am supposed to do, how am I supposed to react, what if someone called you and said she was sleeping with me for 3 f**king days, how would that make you feel?"

 

Stacy "I would believe that this person is evil and is lying to me and has nothing better to do than ruin other people's lives, because I know you better than that, and you know ME better than that...you know what we have TOGETHER, nothing compares to that...I don't even look or think of another man besides you, and how could you even question or imagine me doing something like that 3 weeks before my wedding day!!!, what kind of girl do you think I am? this is sooo horrible, you are making me feel like a bad person when I didn't do anything wrong" *tears flowing*

 

"Maybe we shouldn't even get married, because marriage is supposed to be about TRUST, and clearly we don't have it...I'm just another random slut that sleeps with random men at parties and goes home with them for 3 days, thanks a lot, your opinion of me says it all"

 

*ten minutes of tears flowing on the bed*

 

BF "Hey hey hey, stop crying...I'm sorry, come here *hugs her* I just got really upset, and I didn't know what to think, I panicked and I questions you in the moment out of fear, and I was just scared...you know random guy calls me up and tells me something like that, I didn't know what to think but you know...forget about it, I'm going to find out who this guy is and why this @sshole is trying to get involved with my life"

 

GF *sniffles and brushes the tears aside* "I need some time alone, I'm going to go over my moms for a while..."*grabs her things* that's if you don't think I'm going to go randomly f**k some other guy *slams door and hurriedly walks to her car as he opens the door to beckon her to stop*

 

BF "I'm sorry,Stacy! don't leave!...damnit! I feel such a jerk, how could I ever even think that she would do this to me, I trust her more than that, I need to go make this up to her but first...I'm going to find out who this @sshole is and make sure he doesn't come around hurting my fiance anymore"

 

/The End

 

I'm not saying this will happen, but it can...maybe you'll get lucky and he'll believe you

 

And then I would say he is blind. Yes, random strangers call up people all the time with this kind of accusations. Ah...no.

[marcjb]

She's responsible for her morality, he's responsible for his.

 

Yes, and it's his moral responsibility to let her fiancé know this before he gets married to her. You actually think that she is going to tell him herself? It sounds like you are empathizing with the cheater. You have a very skewed and distorted view of "morals".

[gaius]

She was nice enough to have sex with you and you're gonna thank her by squealing to her fiance who you don't even know? =/ What kind of person are you?

[marcjb]

She was nice enough to have sex with you and you're gonna thank her by squealing to her fiance who you don't even know? =/ What kind of person are you?

 

If she told him BEFORE she had sex with him, and he still had sex with her knowing this, that would be different. It would have been his choice for wrongdoing, but this was not the case. She cheated, not him.

[gaius]

If she told him BEFORE she had sex with him, and he still had sex with her knowing this, that would be different. It would have been his choice for wrongdoing, but this was not the case. She cheated, not him.

Exactly, he didn't do anything wrong so there's no reason for him to be upset on any level. You know he didn't throw her out half naked. =/ If he's this desperate to stay involved with her on some level by threatening to tell the husband.

 

You had a nice time, made nice memories, now forgive her for it not lasting forever and let her go on about her business.

[marcjb]

Exactly, he didn't do anything wrong so there's no reason for him to be upset on any level. You know he didn't throw her out half naked. =/ If he's this desperate to stay involved with her on some level by threatening to tell the husband.

 

You had a nice time, made nice memories, now forgive her for it not lasting forever and let her go on about her business.

 

Because she was giving him the impression that she was into him, and if she was actually single that there could have been something with the two of them. She then dropped the bomb on him that she is NOT single, and intact engaged.

 

By just standing by idly and not taking action to make sure the fiancé is aware of what kind of person she is would be wrong. Why would you let someone ruin their life if you could prevent it? That is pretty damn selfish if you ask me. I would certainly want to know if my fiancé was a cheater.

[gaius]

Surprised at the responses here a bit.

Sure, it isn't OPs relationship. But he might have a chance to save someone's life there. You know, just because all of her suck-up friends know, there's the slight possibility that her fiance has no clue what he's about to get into.

 

I'd very much like to see a user post here who would love to marry a serial cheater, raise kids that are probably not his etc.

If my girlfriend was hanging out with another dude all weekend I'd know about it. Even when I was doing an LDR. Because I would want to know about it. =/ Some people don't.

[marcjb]

If my girlfriend was hanging out with another dude all weekend I'd know about it. Even when I was doing an LDR. Because I would want to know about it. =/ Some people don't.

 

Really? And how would you know about it if your girlfriend or wife told you she was spending time with family and friends?

[gaius]

Because she was giving him the impression that she was into him, and if she was actually single that there could have been something with the two of them. She then dropped the bomb on him that she is NOT single, and intact engaged.

 

By just standing by idly and not taking action to make sure the fiancé is aware of what kind of person she is would be wrong. Why would you let someone ruin their life if you could prevent it? That is pretty damn selfish if you ask me. I would certainly want to know if my fiancé was a cheater.

So she's supposed so go through a rundown of their future possibilities before any fooling around can be done? =/ She better say something if she's not interested in anything long term?

 

Everyone is assuming the fiance really wants to know, which is just that, an assumption. And one I wouldn't make if he isn't even checking up on his girlfriend for an entire weekend.

[gaius]

Really? And how would you know about it if your girlfriend or wife told you she was spending time with family and friends?

I'd ask her what they were up to. It's not that hard to figure out when someone is lying. If you want to.

[marcjb]

So she's supposed so go through a rundown of their future possibilities before any fooling around can be done? =/ She better say something if she's not interested in anything long term?

 

Everyone is assuming the fiance really wants to know, which is just that, an assumption. And one I wouldn't make if he isn't even checking up on his girlfriend for an entire weekend.

 

She is certainly not supposed to pretend to be single, have sex with someone, then tell them that she is actually NOT single, and is in fact engaged to someone!

 

I'd ask her what they were up to. It's not that hard to figure out when someone is lying. If you want to.

 

Are you not aware that some people can be sociopaths and even believe their own lies which make it very difficult for another person to tell when they are lying?

Edited August 3, 2014 by marcjb

[Priv]

Don't know why you're so afflicted by this, unfortunately this isn't as rare as you think it is...but at the end of the day it has nothing to do with you.

 

She didn't sleep with you by coincidence, this is just how this girl is. You're taking it way too personal, it wasn't about you, and you have no real relationship with this girl or guy to feel obligated in alarming him..so she slept with you for 3 days and was engaged, big deal...had nothing to do with you, and as soon as you found out you kicked her out...you could have essentially hooked up with another woman and never found out, in this case you have some loose connection with her but there's no point in you pursuing this and trying to "save" the guy, you're a complete stranger and a lot of these guys with these women tend to know they are a bit sketchy in their behavior anyway, and the ones that don't know are usually blind to the type of girl he's really marrying, I've seen plenty but he wouldn't be the first or the last guy you'll see naively marrying a woman he perceives as someone she isn't. Women in general are pretty good at hiding their crazy, but some women are extremely good at hiding their whole true selves, just showing the side that they want the man to see, all the while him not knowing she was taking it from another guy just recently or the entire time she was with him.

 

In her case, she sounds like the type of girl that sees commitment and security as a separate thing from fun and essentially being self-destructive, I'm sure she at least plans on remaining faithful once married for now. But she's probably a good manipulator, you have to be in order to live a dual life like that, so if you try to open a can of worms on her, she'll convince the guy and have him coming after you as the bad guy...he's not going to believe you over her, he doesn't want to...for example;

 

You on the phone: "Hey, just to let you know your fiance is a slut and we slept together for 3 days after meeting at a party...she didn't tell me until after we hooked up that she was engaged, and asked me to keep it a secret but I kicked her out and said no thanks, I'd think twice about marrying her If I were you" *click*

 

Sometime later..

 

BF "We need to talk Stacy..."

 

Stacy "Ok, is something wrong honey?"

 

BF "I just got a phone call, and the guy told me he was using you as a pincushion the other night, having sex with you for 3 days...WTF! is going on here"

 

Stacy "OMG, are you serious? who called you?"

 

BF "He didn't say, but he told me he met you at a party the other night and he ended up sleeping with you for 3 days!!! is that what you were doing, you weren't even with your mom looking for things for the wedding?"

 

Stacy "Calm down, I don't know what you're talking about or who this guy is, I never slept with anyone, I have no idea what is going on right now"

 

BF "You better tell me if there is something going on or if something happened RIGHT NOW! because if you cheated on me this is over!"

 

Stacy "OMGOD! just stop it, I don't know who this guy is but he's clearly a jerk and someone trying to ruin my life, I don't know who he is. Are you seriously going to listen to him and trust him? some random guy calls you on the phone and says I'm a slut and slept with me and you believe him? over me?...that is ridiculous that you would even BELIEVE something like that"

 

BF "I swear Stacy, if you did something like that you better tell me right now! I'm not playing around at all, this is serious and if this is true this is so damn over and you can get your sh*t and leave"

 

Stacy "WHAT! first of all! I would NEVER cheat on you with anyone else, I want to be with you for the rest of my life and we're getting married in a few weeks...I would NEVER sacrifice that for some random night with some jerk who's going to call you on the phone, you're the only man I ever think about and the only man I've ever been with since we've met...I can't believe that you are actually accusing me of doing this to you, to us, to ME! *starts to cry* and it really hurts that you would believe something like that from a random stranger... and then get angry and attack me over it without even giving me a chance, it's so hurtful"

 

BF "Well what I am supposed to do, how am I supposed to react, what if someone called you and said she was sleeping with me for 3 f**king days, how would that make you feel?"

 

Stacy "I would believe that this person is evil and is lying to me and has nothing better to do than ruin other people's lives, because I know you better than that, and you know ME better than that...you know what we have TOGETHER, nothing compares to that...I don't even look or think of another man besides you, and how could you even question or imagine me doing something like that 3 weeks before my wedding day!!!, what kind of girl do you think I am? this is sooo horrible, you are making me feel like a bad person when I didn't do anything wrong" *tears flowing*

 

"Maybe we shouldn't even get married, because marriage is supposed to be about TRUST, and clearly we don't have it...I'm just another random slut that sleeps with random men at parties and goes home with them for 3 days, thanks a lot, your opinion of me says it all"

 

*ten minutes of tears flowing on the bed*

 

BF "Hey hey hey, stop crying...I'm sorry, come here *hugs her* I just got really upset, and I didn't know what to think, I panicked and I questions you in the moment out of fear, and I was just scared...you know random guy calls me up and tells me something like that, I didn't know what to think but you know...forget about it, I'm going to find out who this guy is and why this @sshole is trying to get involved with my life"

 

GF *sniffles and brushes the tears aside* "I need some time alone, I'm going to go over my moms for a while..."*grabs her things* that's if you don't think I'm going to go randomly f**k some other guy *slams door and hurriedly walks to her car as he opens the door to beckon her to stop*

 

BF "I'm sorry,Stacy! don't leave!...damnit! I feel such a jerk, how could I ever even think that she would do this to me, I trust her more than that, I need to go make this up to her but first...I'm going to find out who this @sshole is and make sure he doesn't come around hurting my fiance anymore"

 

/The End

 

I'm not saying this will happen, but it can...maybe you'll get lucky and he'll believe you

 

Ever considered a careed in script writing? That was good

[ascendotum]

Oh, the irony!

I could somewhat see the irony in her statement but really the OP has not done anything wrong. The one to feel truly ashamed of their actions is the engaged girl.

If the OP personally knew the groom then there is an obligation. As a friend of a friend of a friend, less so. Though I totally get why he feels he should by putting himself in her bf's shoes.

[marcjb]

I could somewhat see the irony in her statement but really the OP has not done anything wrong. The one to feel truly ashamed of their actions is the engaged girl.

If the OP personally knew the groom then there is an obligation. As a friend of a friend of a friend, less so. Though I totally get why he feels he should by putting himself in her bf's shoes.

 

I know, I'm saying the engaged girl is the one to blame for her actions, the OP didn't do anything wrong, but the point is that she should not be able to get away with her actions and ruin the life of her fiancé by marrying him only for him to probably find out about it down the road, what she has done. At that point it will be too late and it would be a huge emotional and financial impact on him. He needs to know before they get married so he can make an informed decision of either staying with her or breaking it off due to her selfishness. That's where the OP comes in. If he were to just brush it off (it seems this is not the case, thankfully), then the above could very well be a probable scenario. It is not fair to the guy who is supposed to marry this girl and I would not wish it upon anyone. He certainly deserves to know about it.

[ASG]

Ever considered a careed in script writing? That was good

 

I thought the same exact thing when I first read it!!! Really, really good! Couldn't have made it up better myself!

 

 

OP, honestly, what do you have to win by telling? Nothing. So why do it?

[marcjb]

OP, honestly, what do you have to win by telling? Nothing. So why do it?

 

It's not about winning. It's about helping someone else avoid something that could possibly be a huge burden. People do things for other people even though it has absolutely no benefit to themselves. It's called being compassionate, something the cheating partner knows nothing about.

[ASG]

It's not about winning. It's about helping someone else avoid something that could possibly be a huge burden. People do things for other people even though it has absolutely no benefit to themselves. It's called being compassionate, something the cheating partner knows nothing about.

 

Sure, but in this situation, he stands to lose more. Personally, I always put myself first.

 

He stands to lose his friends. Because, lets face it, they know she cheats. And will probably take her side, if it goes sour.

[marcjb]

Sure, but in this situation, he stands to lose more. Personally, I always put myself first.

 

He stands to lose his friends. Because, lets face it, they know she cheats. And will probably take her side, if it goes sour.

 

If his friends don't want to hang around him anymore for doing the right thing, they weren't real friends to begin with.

[bubbaganoosh]

Well, either she giving this guy a real big line of BS about her being engaged or she a God awful stupid woman for sending him a message over face book.

 

Now you can find out who something more about her and maybe find her fiance's name on her face book page. Hell if it was me, I would check and see if she has it mentioned that she is engaged or she has single on her page.

[CrystalCastles]

I thought the same exact thing when I first read it!!! Really, really good! Couldn't have made it up better myself!

 

 

OP, honestly, what do you have to win by telling? Nothing. So why do it?

 

What would he have to lose by telling? Why not do it? The worst that can happen is that the fiance won't believe the OP.

 

Not saying your opinion is wrong, just wondering.

[DazedandConfused8]

I met a girl at a party. She was a friend of a friend of a friend type thing. We hit it off so well and spent most of the night lightheartedly flirting, sort of what friends would do playing around rather than flirting trying to pick up.

 

At the end of the night I offered to give her a lift home. I was genuinely offering a lift, there was no ulterior motive. Things quickly escalated all initiated by her and then she asked me to take her home to my place instead. Needless to say we spent that night together but also the entire next 2 days.

 

Before she was leaving on the Monday night she said we needed to have a serious talk. I was expecting the “It was fun but…” speech and that’s sort of what I got but with a twist. She asked me to swear to secrecy about our few days together as I was her last fling before she gets married in 3 weeks. WTF !!!! I can’t believe I had sex with this girl.

 

Anyway what do I do now? Do I just let it go or do I tell my friends so that it hopefully works its way back to her fiancé? I don’t know him at all, as I said she was just a friend of a friend type thing so I have no way of contacting him directly.

 

Tell her friends. Her fiance will be making a mistake if he marries her without knowing.