No Limit Posted August 4, 2014 Share Posted August 4, 2014 Because, lets face it, they know she cheats. And will probably take her side, if it goes sour. Not necessarily. If she's always had a flirtatious nature nobody will see it as a red flag if she continues this way. And I don't know where you're from but when a guy takes a girl home they don't expect her to loosen her bra as soon as she's out of sight. She's going to be titled a b!tch, OP will honor the "bro code" and a guy gets saved from an ugly marriage. And if he doesn't believe it, who cares? He has been warned at least; that's more than most betrayed could ever hope for. Who knows how many terrible marriages and bitterness could have been prevented if people had opened their mouths for once. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
lollipopspot Posted August 4, 2014 Share Posted August 4, 2014 Sure, but in this situation, he stands to lose more. It's possible, and he may not be benefitting them either. This guy will do what he wants, but as a side point, there is truth to the saying that no good deed goes unpunished. I can't tell you the number of times that I have inserted myself into others' lives, thinking that I was helping and it backfired. Lots of people don't want to know everything, or to be "helped," they really don't. This guy really may not want to have the fact that he was cheated on spread around - it may hurt his ego too much - or maybe he's a cheat too and spent the weekend in Vegas. It may be their tacit understanding of don't ask, don't tell. We don't know. Maybe this was her last fling and she won't do it again, and if everything goes as planned they would have had a wonderful life together that OP wrecks. It's serious to insert yourself in someone else's life especially when you have so few details about it. Now, some things I will continue to insert myself in, because if someone who is dependent or helpless is getting hurt, then that's an imperative for me. This one, not so clear. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ASG Posted August 4, 2014 Share Posted August 4, 2014 Not necessarily. If she's always had a flirtatious nature nobody will see it as a red flag if she continues this way. And I don't know where you're from but when a guy takes a girl home they don't expect her to loosen her bra as soon as she's out of sight. She's going to be titled a b!tch, OP will honor the "bro code" and a guy gets saved from an ugly marriage. And if he doesn't believe it, who cares? He has been warned at least; that's more than most betrayed could ever hope for. Who knows how many terrible marriages and bitterness could have been prevented if people had opened their mouths for once. You're assuming everyone thinks the way you do. Maybe I'm the odd one out here (wouldn't be the first time), but no one I know would EVER dream of doing what the OP is proposing. And I've had some surprised of the kind the OP has mentioned. Didn't know they were married/involved, found out afterwards. And their friends knew we were getting it on. They said nothing and the tacit understanding is to keep it a secret. I can honestly say I never felt the urge to get involved in such a situation. I'll stay away from drama, thank you very much. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
gaius Posted August 4, 2014 Share Posted August 4, 2014 What would he have to lose by telling? Why not do it? The worst that can happen is that the fiance won't believe the OP. Not saying your opinion is wrong, just wondering. Because nobody likes when other people butt their nose into their business. He wouldn't be doing the fiance a favor, he would be openly humiliating him. I've been through this many times before. Once in real life when I told a woman a contracter she reccomended highly was a shady guy. She was so embarrassed when he ended up going to jail she stopped speaking to me since I saw it and she didn't. Why do you think so many people around here yell at me? Because I've embarrassed them with the truth in the past. =/ And they sure as hell aren't thankful for it. What he is proposing to do is most likely to do nothing more than create an awkward social environment for himself since he'll be making two enemies that reside in his social circle. I don't really care about that kind of thing but most people do. And let's face it, he's not doing it for unselfish reasons. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
martaldn Posted August 4, 2014 Share Posted August 4, 2014 I agree with Gaius - she was a friend of a friend of a friend.. you dont have to keep a secret cause you dont even know her boyfriend!! what is the point in looking for him and drop this bomb? you didn't know she was engaged and you treated her like a one night stand (rightly) so what good will bring telling to her boyfriend? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
marcjb Posted August 4, 2014 Share Posted August 4, 2014 Maybe this was her last fling and she won't do it again One time is too many. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Moonborn Posted August 4, 2014 Share Posted August 4, 2014 I agree with Gaius - she was a friend of a friend of a friend.. you dont have to keep a secret cause you dont even know her boyfriend!! what is the point in looking for him and drop this bomb? you didn't know she was engaged and you treated her like a one night stand (rightly) so what good will bring telling to her boyfriend? The guy will get a chance to open is eyes and realize what kind of woman he is going to marry. Then what he does with this chance is definitely not the OPs business. Or are you implying that it would be better for the guy to marry this girl without knowing what kind of person she is? If it's a bomb now, what will it be when she cheats on him again ten years from now when they have kids? I don't think the OP has any kind of moral obligation to look for the guy and tell him. I do think that he has every right to do so if he wishes. And it's not really about what he has to gain or lose in doing it. It saddens me a bit when I read people writing stuff like that. Life is not all about gaining something. Sometimes it is about doing what you think is right even if it doesn't bring you any profit. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
ASG Posted August 4, 2014 Share Posted August 4, 2014 One time is too many. For you. Other people deal with it. Have a look at the Infidelity sections on this board. The amount of people who stay together even after finding out about their SO cheating is immense! Link to post Share on other sites
gaius Posted August 4, 2014 Share Posted August 4, 2014 I agree with Gaius - she was a friend of a friend of a friend.. you dont have to keep a secret cause you dont even know her boyfriend!! what is the point in looking for him and drop this bomb? you didn't know she was engaged and you treated her like a one night stand (rightly) so what good will bring telling to her boyfriend? Exactly marta. Not necessarily. If she's always had a flirtatious nature nobody will see it as a red flag if she continues this way. And I don't know where you're from but when a guy takes a girl home they don't expect her to loosen her bra as soon as she's out of sight. She's going to be titled a b!tch, OP will honor the "bro code" and a guy gets saved from an ugly marriage. And if he doesn't believe it, who cares? He has been warned at least; that's more than most betrayed could ever hope for. Who knows how many terrible marriages and bitterness could have been prevented if people had opened their mouths for once. Best case scenario : He breaks up with the girlfriend and they both hate the OP. Worst case scenario (more likely) : She denies it, he pretends she isn't cheating on him, they stay together and they both hate the OP. Either way as somebody I think said before nobody really likes a martyr. Throwing himself on the funeral pyre to try and save some guy he doesn't even know won't make any of his friends side with him. Just get over it already. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
marcjb Posted August 4, 2014 Share Posted August 4, 2014 For you. Other people deal with it. Have a look at the Infidelity sections on this board. The amount of people who stay together even after finding out about their SO cheating is immense! That makes it ok? I certainly wouldn't stay with anyone after I found out they cheated, let alone marry them. Link to post Share on other sites
martaldn Posted August 4, 2014 Share Posted August 4, 2014 The guy will get a chance to open is eyes and realize what kind of woman he is going to marry. Then what he does with this chance is definitely not the OPs business. Or are you implying that it would be better for the guy to marry this girl without knowing what kind of person she is? If it's a bomb now, what will it be when she cheats on him again ten years from now when they have kids? I don't think the OP has any kind of moral obligation to look for the guy and tell him. I do think that he has every right to do so if he wishes. And it's not really about what he has to gain or lose in doing it. It saddens me a bit when I read people writing stuff like that. Life is not all about gaining something. Sometimes it is about doing what you think is right even if it doesn't bring you any profit. Of course he has all the rights to do whatever he thinks its right but I just think this is non of his business because he wasn't a party in this cheating so he is not the one who should confess it but her! To me the best thing would be to step aside and consider what happened only for what actually was. 1 night stand. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
gaius Posted August 4, 2014 Share Posted August 4, 2014 The guy will get a chance to open is eyes and realize what kind of woman he is going to marry. No he won't. He'll instinctively see it for what it is, a guy who bonked his woman trying to mess his stuff up out of some weird desire to stay involved with her and he'll resent him for it. And probably be even more turned on by her since she's choosing him over martyr man. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ASG Posted August 4, 2014 Share Posted August 4, 2014 Exactly marta. Best case scenario : He breaks up with the girlfriend and they both hate the OP. Worst case scenario (more likely) : She denies it, he pretends she isn't cheating on him, they stay together and they both hate the OP. Either way as somebody I think said before nobody really likes a martyr. Throwing himself on the funeral pyre to try and save some guy he doesn't even know won't make any of his friends side with him. Just get over it already. Not just that, but OP will most likely lose his friends who connect to the girl and her fiance as well. So it's not just a case of 2 strangers hating him, but also a case of possibly (probably) losing some closer friends as well. And for what?! 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Moonborn Posted August 4, 2014 Share Posted August 4, 2014 For you. Other people deal with it. Have a look at the Infidelity sections on this board. The amount of people who stay together even after finding out about their SO cheating is immense! Isn't this a choice her fiancé should have the right to make? 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Moonborn Posted August 4, 2014 Share Posted August 4, 2014 No he won't. He'll instinctively see it for what it is, a guy who bonked his woman trying to mess his stuff up out of some weird desire to stay involved with her and he'll resent him for it. And probably be even more turned on by her since she's choosing him over martyr man. I don't know where you are seeing this bit about him wanting to be involved with her. Did you read carefully what the OP wrote? She contacted me today on facebook apologizing for using me and again asking for secrecy. I told her I wasn't prepared to offer her that and that the only reason I had not told yet was because I had no way of contacting her fiance. Now this woman is a piece of work, her reply was to beg for me to stay quiet and if I did we could have some more time together!! Does she have any idea why I kicked her out? Ahh, who cares what she thinks anyway. She even offered for him to get more if he keeps the secret. I don't see any sign of him wanting to get involved with her more. He is simply thinking about warning the guy because he thinks it is the right thing to do. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
veggirl Posted August 4, 2014 Share Posted August 4, 2014 People should look out for one another. I would tell him. Poor guy. 8 Link to post Share on other sites
Allumere Posted August 4, 2014 Share Posted August 4, 2014 Not just that, but OP will most likely lose his friends who connect to the girl and her fiance as well. So it's not just a case of 2 strangers hating him, but also a case of possibly (probably) losing some closer friends as well. And for what?! The popular decision is not typically the right one. Sorry but IMHO this is a coward's excuse. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
ASG Posted August 4, 2014 Share Posted August 4, 2014 The popular decision is not typically the right one. Sorry but IMHO this is a coward's excuse. Like I said. I put myself first. He's not a friend. I would most definitely avoid the drama in this situation. If it was a close friend of mine, I might want to tell (though I would most likely tell the cheating partner to tell, as opposed to ME telling). But a complete stranger? No thanks. It's not cowardly. It's just about thinking of myself first, when there is no upside to the situation. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Moonborn Posted August 4, 2014 Share Posted August 4, 2014 Like I said. I put myself first. He's not a friend. I would most definitely avoid the drama in this situation. If it was a close friend of mine, I might want to tell (though I would most likely tell the cheating partner to tell, as opposed to ME telling). But a complete stranger? No thanks. It's not cowardly. It's just about thinking of myself first, when there is no upside to the situation. So where do you draw the line? Since you put yourself first, I guess if the girl felt the same way you do it was fine for her to cheat on the man she is going to marry, since it made her feel good? Is it fine if she cheats later on after she is married? How can you even have a relationship or friends if you always think about yourself before everything else? I think there is a base incompatibility of views here that is making it difficult for the two groups to understand each other. Anyway, it seems that the OP has made his decision so this discussion is kind of academic at this point. On a side note, you should really try doing something kind for a total stranger with no reason whatsoever sometimes. The outcome may surprise you . 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author SteveSquiggle Posted August 4, 2014 Author Share Posted August 4, 2014 Either way as somebody I think said before nobody really likes a martyr. Throwing himself on the funeral pyre to try and save some guy he doesn't even know won't make any of his friends side with him. Just get over it already. Let me make this clear. I am not doing this to save him, I am not doing this to punish her, I am not doing this because I want the moral high ground. I am doing this for me, because I believe it is right to do so. He'll instinctively see it for what it is, a guy who bonked his woman trying to mess his stuff up out of some weird desire to stay involved with her I can assure you that in no way do I want to have anything to do with her. In fact if I did my best course of action would be to keep the secret and see her regularly on the side. So it's not just a case of 2 strangers hating him, but also a case of possibly (probably) losing some closer friends as well. And for what?! For what? For me!!!! I am standing strong in my beliefs. If I lose friends because I stand for what I believe in then it says more about them than me. Like I said. I put myself first. I am not a selfish person, I have more empathy towards this guy I have never met than you seem to be able to muster. You may consider that it makes me weak. I happen to look on it as a positive trait. ----- In any event I have made up my mind thanks to some positive support here and from friends. For those interested I will update when and if I hear what the outcome is. For those that say I should keep quiet I sincerely hope it never happens to you. In fact it may already have happened and if you're friends share the same views as you they are sitting by your side knowing the truth while you live a lie. Pretty sad really. 11 Link to post Share on other sites
blueskyday Posted August 4, 2014 Share Posted August 4, 2014 Please come back and let us know what happens. You are doing the right thing. I wish there were more people like you out there! My mother always told me to do the right thing for the right thing's sake only (don't think of gain or consequences.) She also said that the hard thing and the right thing are usually the same. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted August 4, 2014 Share Posted August 4, 2014 Telling probably IS the right thing if you do it right: 1) Just find the fiancé and give him the facts, without editorials or advice. 2) Don't spread it around and touch off a firestorm of rumor. 3) Don't expect any thanks from anyone; in fact, prepare yourself for attacks and counter-rumors from pretty much everyone. :-( BTW, I do truly respect and admire your high principles. Last thought....since you now know that a woman can present herself for a ONS without giving you this kind of info, and then you find yourself tricked into being a performing pony in such a nasty rodeo, perhaps you may want to review potential sex partners differently in the future. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
AnneT1985 Posted August 4, 2014 Share Posted August 4, 2014 Do what you feel is ultimately right....but do it with the right, thoroughly examined intentions. I really wish you the best of luck! Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted August 4, 2014 Share Posted August 4, 2014 This is the first person on this forum I've met that stands to his beliefs no matter the cost. Hope & faith in humanity +1 6 Link to post Share on other sites
marcjb Posted August 4, 2014 Share Posted August 4, 2014 (edited) I'm really surprised by some of the comments telling him to do otherwise and turn the other way though. It really speaks a whole lot about a person's character. I have to commend the OP. I would certainly do the same. I feel bad for the guy that got cheated on and hope he can see past his lying / cheating "partner". Edited August 4, 2014 by marcjb 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts