her1nonly Posted February 24, 2005 Share Posted February 24, 2005 over a year ago, when my gf and i were seeing each other...we'd get in arguements and she'd sometimes hassle me after i'd tell her it was over. well i lived with a college buddy at the time, and he's one to hold back and be nice. well there were a few occasions where he was rude to say the least to my now gf. back then i didn't care, if she called late at night and woke everyone up, and my buddy got ticked...what could i do, it was his home. well... now, i'm serious with gf...and buddy and i work together at my day job. we don't hang outside of work, cuz i've sort of distanced myself from him. So there's a feelign that he doesn't like my gf, and nor does my gf. my gf and i went to a party where this buddy was there and so where others. now gf realizes she feels really terrible that my buddy disrespected her, and i did nothting about it. she wants me to defend her and stand up and let him know that wasn't right and it wont' happen again. i mentioned our *potential* wedding, and she said, "if you think he's gonna be invited, you're crazy." so now, i'm pretty much at a crossroads. although i don't hang with my buddy anymore, we still do "kick it" at work, talk smack and all...so he is a friend. need help. Link to post Share on other sites
d'Arthez Posted February 25, 2005 Share Posted February 25, 2005 Why does your gf think that when she makes an *ss out of herself, by ringing in late she would gain sympathy from your buddy? That is highly annoying behavior. Most people would be annoyed by that. If that is as far as he got involved with her, it's no wonder there seems to be a dislike on his part. Also a lot of the time you had arguments with gf, she had a negative influence on your mood and state of mind. A buddy does not like that you feel miserable because of a girl. It's a dislike acquired over time, not because he dislikes her necesarilly as a person, but because what she did to you and your state of mind. Now she is your gf and of course deserves respect for that from your buddy. But she should also acknowledge that she has not been the nicest person to your buddy. Not intentionally, as I showed above. The best thing would be to set the three of you together and talk this over. The whole issue isn't worth the loss of a buddy or a gf. Apologize and let them start with a clean slate. Link to post Share on other sites
Author her1nonly Posted February 25, 2005 Author Share Posted February 25, 2005 She didn't call late all of the time, she called during day time, etc. i don't think its nice to be rude to a buddy's gf. It may be not in my nature, but my gf, didn't yell or be rude... plus when she did call late, it was cuz something happened, like someone was banging on her door late at night...she was scared., and her mother had been in a serious accident and she was scared... he never asked, he assumed, and was rude. minimally. she won't tell me what else happened. i'm feeling better, in the way that, if he is a true buddy, then he'll understand where i'm coming from, not dumping him, but getting this off my chest. Link to post Share on other sites
d'Arthez Posted February 25, 2005 Share Posted February 25, 2005 I see. That detracts for the plusses your buddy could make. But have you explained to your buddy why she was ringing on the doors so late? If noone gives a reasonable explanation to him for seemingly odd behavior (which was justified by the situations you describe), he is going to assume a reason. Like inconsiderateness. People can attribute behavior to two different groups of causes: 1) internal influences (inconsiderateness, for example) 2) external influences (mother in accident, a creep banging on her doors) Can you get some explanation from your buddy? Link to post Share on other sites
Author her1nonly Posted February 25, 2005 Author Share Posted February 25, 2005 This happend over a year ago...if not longer... So in some way, it seems kinda childish. but i'm trying to understand my gf...and i do. here is this guy that doesn't like my gf, and he's my buddy? I post this on "second chances" cuz her and i have been off and on for too long. buddy knows almost everything, and chose to judge gf. so that's more reason to be rude to gf. he never liked gf for me. i'm realizing, that if buddy blows me off, etc...then he wasn't such a great buddy right? but if he's understanding and says "you know, i'm glad you're happy, and if she's good enough for you, then good enough for me..." type of thing.... then he's definitely a buddy. but how would i fix it with my gf? how will she feel better? Link to post Share on other sites
d'Arthez Posted February 25, 2005 Share Posted February 25, 2005 Yes, every post you put up gives more indication that you should side with your gf. Sit down with your buddy about the whole deal, and explain to him, that she is your gf now, and you think she deserves some respect from everyone. If he brings up past events, explain to him, what was the reason to her behavior (if he does not know, or has forgotten). If he apologizes, accept the apologies. If not, you should side with your gf, and dump your buddy. Also make certain that he does not speak disrespectful of your gf. With you, or anyone else. Since you only have contact with your buddy in your work enviroment, these comments can always reach you. In form of rumours. Not to say that rumours are necesarily true of course. If he apologizes, you can go to your gf, and explain that he has apologized for these incidents. Hopefully she accepts that, and you will keep your buddy + gf. Link to post Share on other sites
Author her1nonly Posted February 25, 2005 Author Share Posted February 25, 2005 i'm really trying to understand my situation, so here's another incident...in a sort of defense of my buddy, looking out for me... ex: buddy and i got flooded out of our apartment in college...we were at the holiday inn.... i was just beginning to get over gf....i really felt it...things were lookin' up....for all i knew, gf was already married to her ex....welll low and behold....low and behold...i get a phone call from gf AT THE HOTEL! she hunted me down, and contacted me. It took me for a spiral crashing... buddy was there when i got the phone call... the rest of the day, i was totally confused...and he saw that. well while still at the hotel, gf called and i wasn't there... and the buddy said somethign like, "look, why are you doing this to him. just leave him alone"...something like that. he was trying to look out for me. well i later told him that i appreciated the gesture, but to not do it again. it wasn't his place. buddy saw me through my agony as i tried gettting back with my gf, who at the time was with someone else. I shared everything with buddy, so he built this profile of gf... talk about drama man... Link to post Share on other sites
d'Arthez Posted February 25, 2005 Share Posted February 25, 2005 That is the whole issue! Your buddy has this image of your gf that tried to mess with your mind. He tried to look after you when she was driving you insane. That is what created the dislike. Not necessarily that they could not like each other, but because of the different roles they had in your past they dislike each other. I don't your buddy dislikes the fact that you are happy with your gf. Except for having a talk with your buddy you should also explain to your girlfriend, why he does not like her. Tell her it has nothing to do with her personally, and stress that point. Hopefully she can be understanding enough to realize this. Hopefully they are both willing to start with a clean slate for each other. If she brings up past events, explain to her why your buddy behaved in the way he behaved. Likewise your girlfriend has this image of your buddy, that he really hates her. That she can't do a thing right in his eyes. Hence the dumping request. I don't think your gf dislikes the fact that your buddy tried to act in your interest. Link to post Share on other sites
Author her1nonly Posted February 25, 2005 Author Share Posted February 25, 2005 right. gf says, there's nothing wrong with buddy. only thing is that i didn't defend her. so this whole thing is my fault and i need to fix in order to move on. i will work it. thanks. Link to post Share on other sites
d'Arthez Posted February 25, 2005 Share Posted February 25, 2005 If your gf says there is nothing wrong with your buddy, except for the part that you did not defend her, talk with buddy, talk with her, and the issue is easily resolved. You will keep the gf + buddy. And he will be more understanding of her, and realize she means a lot to you. Link to post Share on other sites
Weird Posted February 25, 2005 Share Posted February 25, 2005 oh man. dont let that drama queen put you into the situation where you talk to this guy about some past incident. Seriously...tell her to get the fug over it and move on with her life. All I know is I'd take this as a red flag if I was dating a girl and she got her panties in a bunch because of something so trivial as this. Link to post Share on other sites
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