I desperately need help

[Pepuchin]

Hi everyone,

For some long time (months) I was trying to find answer to my worries in this forum and I found many times ways to coping with my frustration.

 

I finally decided to let my girlfriend go . We are living together and her son (teenager) since april last year. For many, many , many times she threated with leaving my house. but I always got to persue her. But every time it happened it was like giving up things. It reached a point where I can't do many things to/with her especially in the intimacy department.

 

One of the problems is that really love her but I don't think she does or at least she doesn't offer any hope for things to change positively. And when she is around I can't be without talking to her or approaching to her nad being rejected.

 

I really need everybody's help on how to manage this awful situation.

 

I know I left many things out, please ask anything you want to know in order to have a better understanding of my real situation.

[Devildog]

Yeah, you did leave out alot of information. It's really hard to give advice without more information than what you have given. Have you been together long? Has there been something that started the problems. Has she always been this way?

 

I just can't really give you much of an answer without some more information. Sorry.

[Pepuchin]

DEvildog, thanks for your reply.

We wereliving together for almost nine months (yep, we should be living our honeymoon... but not)

 

After a short time living together, she started changing her reactions about sex.. not doing this, not doing that, It hurts like this, I am tired, etc. And the I started to complain about her behavior and she is saying that I am very demanding (I probably am). But I am sure that I demand what is normal (3 - 4 times a week). Besides sex there are so many other things that she says she doesn't like about the relationship that because of my "chasing" after her I was changing but I didn't feel confortable with the change.

 

I hope this help... I really want to hear ways how to learn to let her go without pain.... if this is possible (I think I am silly) but I feel confued right now.

 

Thanks!

[Devildog]

Had you been dating for a long time before you moved in together or was this a bit of a whirlwind romance?

 

I hate to suggest this, but is it possible she was using you for financial stability for her and her son? I just get the feeling that she felt she "had you" and didn't have to put forth an effort any more.

 

From the way you are talking, I assume you have decided to end the relationship. Have you done this or are you seeking advice on how to break the news as gently as possible? Based on what you have told us so far, I wouldn't expect her to go happily. I think you will see a lot of anger and rage from her when you do this.

 

But it sounds to me like you are being used. And it is better for you to find someone that will enjoy being with you.

[Pepuchin]

Devildog,

It is very hard to admit somethings that your thing are happening in your life (my life in this case), but I felt everything you said... never told her though.

I feel that I was being used... a lot! She doesn't drive, so I was taking her and the kid everywhere they needed to go. I was doing everything in the name of love I really love them. Financially she is not bad... she was very bad before moving into my house, but moving to my area meant to find her a new job (or better said jobs... yes!, she works full and part time) leaving no time for us (me and the kid). So she beame better financially.

I know it is going to be hard for the kid and me because we use to hang a lot together, without her... because of her jobs.

 

I told before that she was changing the relationship at her will. I felt stuid very often, insecure to suggest to do anything. because of her rejection.

 

I don't really kow what i need from the forum now... still confused. But wait... They are still here (she is sleeping in the kid's bed) and I don't know how to keep my decision to let "them" go... how to strength myself and not to run after her when she will be packing for example... should I leave the house for some days? (my sister offered me a place to stay in her house). No contact at all... try to be her friend and keep helping her with the moving... etc, etc.

 

Thank you again.

[Devildog]

It would probably be easier for you to stick to your guns if you leave for a bit while she packs and moves. But on the other hand, is there a fear of her doing damage to your place, or taking things that are not hers?

 

You are so not alone with the feelings you have. Read the "hear ya knockin but ya can't come in" thread on this board. Alot of us feel the same things you mentioned.

 

But I think it is best for you to stick to your decision.

[Pepuchin]

I forgot to answer one of your questions... we were dating for 6 months before she moved in.

 

I don't think she is the kind of person who will take stuff from me, but nobody knows... Itrust her when she said she loved me (a couple of times when we started dating)..... you are right, I should'n trust her anymore.

 

Thank you for your support.

[Devildog]

Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. All I'm sayin'

[Mz. Pixie]

Relationships are 100 percent on both sides- I don't buy into the 50/50 stuff because I was married for a long time and even by me giving 110% it didn't last.

 

You have a right to want your needs to be taken care of. I can't understand this-but as a woman I'm saying this. Sometimes women do things sexually to "get" a man that they have no intentions of keeping up after they "have" him. I've never been guilty of this- but I think that's the case many times. Haven't you heard the joke about how to kill a woman's sex drive? Marry her. Yada Yada.

 

3-4 times per week may be excessive to her- but that's something the two of you should communicate to each other. Then you try to reach a compromise that's good for both of you.

 

Sounds like she's not willing to work on the relationship. She leaves, you chase her and offer to do whatever she wants if she will come back. That is no way to earn a woman's respect.

 

If you honestly want to have the relationship of your dreams you gotta step out there. You can give her the option. Either she wants to work on the relationship and treat you decently and meet your needs or she needs to pack her bags. If she truly loves you she will want to meet your needs. This will give you the answer you desire.

[Pepuchin]

Mz. Pixie, it is very interesting to hear a woman's prespective. The situation was exactly as you described.

 

She leaves, you chase her and offer to do whatever she wants if she will come back

 

She actually never left but she was telling that all the time.

 

About the frequency on the sex stuff. She was the one that said 3-4 times a week is good, for me....

I would do it 1 or 2 times a day.

 

About the loosing respect, I realize about that long time ago. But I think it was an easy way to keep the relationship going. I think I learned the hard way. The only thing that keeps me up is to think that I may have the chance to find someday, someone who will love me, accept me as I am and meet my needs.

 

Thank you guys, it is really helpful to know that someone reads what you write here.

[Mz. Pixie]

We have a great community here. I've gotten so much in the short time I've been here!

 

P- and I say that because I have no idea what your screen name is- you do have hope to have what you want with someone- let me give a bit of my story.

 

Married 10+ years to a man who didn't ever want to spend any time with me. He just wanted to do whatever he wanted to do, come home and have me tend to his sexual needs. He didn't care about my needs or what I wanted. I asked for counseling repeatedly, brought home books which he threw away, and point blank told him on several occasions that I was going to leave him if he didn't start treating me better. He never thought I was going anywhere or that I could go anywhere.

 

Surprise- I left him! Now, his world is rocked. Seems he decided he did want me afterall but only after it was too late for me.

 

I have met a wonderful divorced man who is all about communication and relationships. He treats me like a queen and is all about meeting my needs. I'm having regular orgasms! I've never felt loved like this before. It's incredible. I get everyday glad to be alive although finalizing my divorce has been a living nightmare.

 

He never thought he would find someone like me either. We're both incredibly blessed. Good thing for me is that I didn't have to search long for some reason.

She's out there! You just have to find her and you can't do that with the dead weight hanging around your neck. It was painful to end my marriage but change is not always pleasant. I could have taken the easy route and stayed, and been miserable forever but I took a chance. What I got is so worth having......care enough about yourself to take the shot, even if it hurts now.

[Pepuchin]

Mz Pixie,

I am really glad about you and how life was good to you.

 

When I meet my girlfriend, I was coming out from a bad relationship... after being married to a woman for 4 loooong years, tons of misunderstandings, fights, etc, etc., (my divorce is about to finish now) I thought I found my soulmate, but like you said before, it was really, really nice in the beginning, probably until she had what she wanted.

Sometimes women do things sexually to "get" a man that they have no intentions of keeping up after they "have" him. I've never been guilty of this- but I think that's the case many times. Haven't you heard the joke about how to kill a woman's sex drive? Marry her. Yada Yada.

 

I hope I will be happy sometime, because I think I deserve it.!!

[Pepuchin]

I can't stop thinking on her... i love them and i know it is going to be very hard... i remember the las things we were doing, we were shoping during the weekend, she was getting clothes for the summer and she looked very cute in a couple of dresses... i think that i won't see her using them and it hurts.

I don't want to get depressed but I can't avoid thinking these things... help me please!

[Mz. Pixie]

It's hard honey, I know it is.

 

Everytime you start thinking like that remind yourself why you are doing this. She obviously doesn't love you and she isn't meeting your needs.

 

Think of all the negative aspects of the relationship. Picture how you had to beg her to stay with you. Is that really what you want???

 

It will get easier with time. Take it five minutes at a time if you have to.

[Pepuchin]

Think of all the negative aspects of the relationship. Picture how you had to beg her to stay with you. Is that really what you want???

This is what I am doing... even though it is not easy. I am also trying not to be at home or call, to avoid her (them) it is like I would like to erase them from my memory. She didn't try to contact me either. I only hope that she doesn't have to stay too long until she will find a place to move.

 

Mz Pixie and Devildog, thank you for all your support.