Why did it have to end up like this?

[Conviction]

Hello all, first time poster, and to be honest am a little embarrassed that it has come to this.

 

The mother of my child and i were on and off for several months, trying to make it work, but it always seemed to hit a road block and we'd be at square one. After our last spout, I thought it best to give it some time before we try again so I left it at LC (only speak about the child we share) and hope that the both of us could take that time to figure things out and come together worth a fresh outlook on things and live a happy life together. Well that plan backfired on me. All that time I had been evaluating things I need to work on top make myself a better spouse, well apparently she wasn't doing the same, instead she was out playing the field. I found out that she moved some guy in to her house only after a couple months of me initiating LC. WTF? Have you seriously gone and given up on any future hope for your family?! I felt absolutely horrible.

 

At that point I explained to her that my LC was not me shutting the door and was designed to help us fix things within ourselves. That was followed up by begging, pleading, letters, she even went with me to a session of counseling. This was wasted though and she chose to stay with her new fling rather than giving it a try with the father of her child. They ate now talking about more kids, they are engaged with a wedding date set, the whole 9 yards. I'm floored. If you ask me, they are moving at an alarming rate, too fast, but it appears they are doing well.

 

I guess this was just a vent. I had to vent as to how somebody could jump right back in the saddle with someone else that quickly, and with a child involved. I feel stupid because all that time I was working on myself to better our relationship, she was playing the field. I feel guilty for initiating LC, without it, perhaps we would be together.

 

Thanks for reading. Input is appreciated.

[Yasuandio]

Most likely, this is not a "new" relationship. Sorry to tell you. Go back to LC. Have a third part deliver child, and have as little contact as possible.

 

Maybe I misunderstood. Was she the one crying, begging, etc. well, she is mixed up, obviously. Don't you engage in that conduct. Stay away - you do not need to hear this type of painful information.

 

It may be designed to hurt and confuse you. OR, it is coming from a mixed up confused person if she was the one doing the begging. NC. Get a third party for communication. Get real with her. Let her know it is over - no more manipulation. The papers will say the reason, at some point that she is cohabitating with another man.

 

Get proof of this.

 

Then leave it be for awhile. Stay on LS for advice. Do not talk to her. Read Home on the Critical Reading thread in my signature line, or at top of page.. You can always drop a divorce paper. So relax. Chill. Yas

[Conviction]

Yeah I've had to accept the fact that she was playing the field long before I figured it out, it's sad.

 

To answer your confusion it was both of us that were crying, however the begging and pleading came from only me. See I saw her break down in tears when she would talk about us and took it as she wanted to give it another go, turns out she didn't. Not sure why she would still cry so much when the issue came up though?

[No Limit]

Have you ever considered that all your attempts failed because she wasn't invested anyway?

 

No offense but I believe she's the type that jumps from guy to guy, even better if she can have a kid to secure the finances.

This is called "serial monogamy". And don't feel guilty either, if you two weren't seperated already, she'd cheat on you.

[Gingerbird]

Do whatever you can to get full custody of your child so that he/she is not horribly damaged by his/her mother's childish behavior. You sound grounded and able to be a good daddy. This would be the most important thing on my mind right now. Believe me, this advice comes from experience.

[Conviction]

Have you ever considered that all your attempts failed because she wasn't invested anyway?

 

No offense but I believe she's the type that jumps from guy to guy, even better if she can have a kid to secure the finances.

This is called "serial monogamy". And don't feel guilty either, if you two weren't seperated already, she'd cheat on you.

I definitely wouldn't dismiss that. It seems to be the case since it didn't take her long to jump into another relationship and get engaged a mere few months after they moved in together.

[Conviction]

Do whatever you can to get full custody of your child so that he/she is not horribly damaged by his/her mother's childish behavior. You sound grounded and able to be a good daddy. This would be the most important thing on my mind right now. Believe me, this advice comes from experience.

 

Thank you for this, it means a lot. I'm definitely doing all I can for custody of my daughter, and I have been since the day we separated. That is something I will never give up on, and will fight tooth and nail because I know that's what is best for my child. Thank you for the input, I really do appreciate it.

[Mr. Lucky]

The mother of my child and i were on and off for several months, trying to make it work, but it always seemed to hit a road block and we'd be at square one.

I can't help but question your commitment to building a stable environment for your child also. "back and forth"? "hit a roadblock"? If both focused on the best way to raise a kid, these are small speed bumps. You don't address them by separating and going LC.

 

"Father of her child" isn't a title that implies permanence. As always, I feel most for the kid ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[oldshirt]

I'll kind of echo some of the other sentiments the others are relaying. I too get the impression that neither one of you were really invested in having a close, full-service relationship.

 

If someone would refer to me as, "my child's father" and they went LC with me and only discussed practical matters involving the child, I would move on too and I would not look back, nor would I shed a tear if they came crying and begging once they found out I was involved with someone else.

 

Actions also speak a million times louder than words and "intentions" don't even amount to a whisper.

 

You moved out and only spoke with her about child arrangements. That's an action. That's an action that says I don't want to have a relationship with you other than as a coparent.

 

IMHO she was within her right to see that as termination of any kind of intimate relationship and was in her right to move on with her life.

 

If you had clearly communicated your intentions of it being a temporary cease-fire to let the dust settle and let the hostilities ease for a week or two and then try to reconcile and reestablish the relationship, I can see waiting a short period of time.

 

But any kind of indefinite, ongoing physical separatation with only practical child-rearing contact is not a real relationship and no-one should be expected to put their life on hold indefinitely.

[Conviction]

I'll kind of echo some of the other sentiments the others are relaying. I too get the impression that neither one of you were really invested in having a close, full-service relationship.

 

If someone would refer to me as, "my child's father" and they went LC with me and only discussed practical matters involving the child, I would move on too and I would not look back, nor would I shed a tear if they came crying and begging once they found out I was involved with someone else.

 

Actions also speak a million times louder than words and "intentions" don't even amount to a whisper.

 

You moved out and only spoke with her about child arrangements. That's an action. That's an action that says I don't want to have a relationship with you other than as a coparent.

 

IMHO she was within her right to see that as termination of any kind of intimate relationship and was in her right to move on with her life.

 

If you had clearly communicated your intentions of it being a temporary cease-fire to let the dust settle and let the hostilities ease for a week or two and then try to reconcile and reestablish the relationship, I can see waiting a short period of time.

 

But any kind of indefinite, ongoing physical separatation with only practical child-rearing contact is not a real relationship and no-one should be expected to put their life on hold indefinitely.

 

My friend, there are so many things you 'assumed' wrong in your response. First, I'd like to a dress the "xx of my child" that's simply a term I'm using to describe who she is, she isn't my "baby momma", out of respect, she is the mother of my child and I respect her enough to call her that instead of a four letter word, or my baby momma. I could just call her my ex too, take it for what it's worth.

 

Second, I did not voluntarily move out of the house, nor the relationship and initiate LC. At this point, I had been told to leave her home 8 times, each time before that she called begging me to come back and because I was so adamant to secure a healthy relationship not only for us, but for my daughter as well, I packed up my things time and time again and moved back into her home. This conditioned her, and every time we fought, her response was "get out of my house".

 

Nevertheless, I know I made mistakes too, and I've apologized to her many times, I harbor a lot of guilt. I too know she was well within her freedom to date other people, I am just shocked that she did it so quickly, and moved the guy in with my daughter so quickly.

 

Thank you thank you for your response, as construed as it was.

[Conviction]

I can't help but question your commitment to building a stable environment for your child also. "back and forth"? "hit a roadblock"? If both focused on the best way to raise a kid, these are small speed bumps. You don't address them by separating and going LC.

 

"Father of her child" isn't a title that implies permanence. As always, I feel most for the kid ...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I agree, going back and forth is no stable environment, so why did I get kicked out 8 times? Why did she ask me to come back only hours after doing so?

 

Permanence? Are you insinuating by what I call my "baby mama" (more appropriate?) that I have no permanence in my daughters life? I've read your previous posts Mr. Lucky, I know you too were divorced with kids so I know you do have a clue of what I'm going through. Permanence is the only thing on my mind when it comes to my daughter.

 

On a side note, I'm sorry that you, at one point lived so far from your children. Bad deal.

[Mr. Lucky]

On a side note, I'm sorry that you, at one point lived so far from your children. Bad deal.

Indeed I've made some mistakes in my life. Many more that you can find in my other 5,000 frankly written posts and some I've never talked about here. If you're implying only those that have lived perfect lives should offer feedback, responses will be few.

 

Permanence? Are you insinuating by what I call my "baby mama" (more appropriate?) that I have no permanence in my daughters life?

Conviction, I (and others) can only react to what is in your original non-filtered post. A relationship in which you moved out 8 times is a challenging environment in which to bring a child. Someone that would kick you out 8 times shouldn't surprise you with further impulsive and unstable behavior.

 

So when you ask "Why did it have to end up like this?", you're going to get some pretty direct responses. Glad that you'll be there for your daughter and hope you path is smoother - and more focused - than mine at times was.

 

Good luck and keep posting...

 

Mr. Lucky

[oldshirt]

 

At this point, I had been told to leave her home 8 times,

 

 

 

 

 

 

.

 

My point is neither of you were committed to being together as a healthy couple in a full-service relationship.

 

People who are don't kick their partner out 8 times and the kicked out party doesn't leave and then come back 8 times.

 

This is not a functional, healthy relationship.

 

The other dude is offering her one. It may not fair any better than yours but at the moment he is at least there.

 

She may kick him out or he may walk away in a matter of weeks as well, but even if that happens, that doesn't make your relationship with her any better.

 

At this point you need to discuss this with a family law attorney and protect your rights to your daughter and protect your assets and resources.

[Conviction]

Indeed I've made some mistakes in my life. Many more that you can find in my other 5,000 frankly written posts and some I've never talked about here. If you're implying only those that have lived perfect lives should offer feedback, responses will be few.

 

 

Conviction, I (and others) can only react to what is in your original non-filtered post. A relationship in which you moved out 8 times is a challenging environment in which to bring a child. Someone that would kick you out 8 times shouldn't surprise you with further impulsive and unstable behavior.

 

So when you ask "Why did it have to end up like this?", you're going to get some pretty direct responses. Glad that you'll be there for your daughter and hope you path is smoother - and more focused - than mine at times was.

 

Good luck and keep posting...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I appreciate your feedback, as well as everyone else. You said it best when everybody only has the original unfiltered post to go off of. It's one of the challenges on these boards, unless 6 pages worth are written it's hard to tell the whole story, and is left to the reader to make of it what they will, many times it's not what the OP intended or meant to portray. I find it challenging.

 

Again thank you for your feedback. I wish you, and your children the best as well.

[Conviction]

My point is neither of you were committed to being together as a healthy couple in a full-service relationship.

 

People who are don't kick their partner out 8 times and the kicked out party doesn't leave and then come back 8 times.

 

This is not a functional, healthy relationship.

 

The other dude is offering her one. It may not fair any better than yours but at the moment he is at least there.

 

She may kick him out or he may walk away in a matter of weeks as well, but even if that happens, that doesn't make your relationship with her any better.

 

At this point you need to discuss this with a family law attorney and protect your rights to your daughter and protect your assets and resources.

 

Thank you as well for your response. I couldn't agree more with you, it was a very unhealthy relationship, her and I both made mistakes. I truly do wish we could have grown to overcome those, hence why it's frustrating that she seems to not agree and wishes to move on so quickly.

 

As far as attorneys, parenting time, and assets go, I have a good handle on that, and has been the case for quite some time. Guaranteeing my daughter will have her father was the first thing I did.

 

Again, thank you.