Here we go - MM back out again

[Mount]

After last fall, somehow we re-started the R again. I have to admit I was participating the re-connection as well.

 

I thought this year would be different. After a couple months MM seemed to be very serious, he wanted me to be his future partner and kept convincing me his sincerity to go through Divorce process for me. He initially convinced me that he will ask for Divorce next March as he intended to wait the mortgage of his and his wife's house down to certain amount and he intended to keep the house for him (and me) and would ask wife to leave the house so the left-over amount mortgage is not too big.

 

Despite I have doubt on his mortgage theory I agree on his strategy. Meantime our R was still progressed from the beginning of this year, even he insisted me going on vacation with him (and his wife, of course unknown) with him covering all trip expense, as he could not bear not seeing me for a week.

 

However, in the meantime I have asked him to research legal information even his intention to make it happen being next March. I also suggested him to get lawyer consultation first rather than wait till next year, and he totally agreed.

 

So last week we met a good family law lawyer and MM paid ~$500 for the lawyer supposely one hour consultation but only 30 minutes indeed, as MM's case is quite simple. But the lawyer mentioned very critical point is that if MM wants to keep the house, he should not wait till next March to accumulate more equity of the house as it might increase the difficulty for MM to keep house. When the house has less mortgage, wife might want to keep the house too, which the lawyer's perspective is making very sense. But also means MM should not wait till next March to ask for separation, he can do it anytime. Also lawyer give the information of retainer fee to start the process, which the first step is sending wife the separation letter once lawyer gets call from MM.

 

That is the moment is interesting. After meeting lawyer I asked MM how he felt, and he said he felt more clear what to do, and mentioned to he would move up the deadline to Sept 1. In my mind, my gut has the doubt if the MM really will do it, but I still tried to believe it.

 

We had a argument/fight on Thursday late afternoon basically I told him he needs to tell wife right away as at this point there has REALLY no more excuse left after meeting with Lawyer.

 

He agreed at that night he will call lawyer next morning to see when is the earliest time the lawyer can make it happen. But again, Friday morning MM called me from home, when his wife is next to him, and repeated the speech last fall, and I did not even bother to hear so I hung up the phone. I am not even very upset as somehow I had foreseen it would happen,

 

Later that day MM "said" to me via messenger that because our yesterday fight made him think him and myself not compatible, despite over the 7 months I have questioned him over and over if he is serious and if he had thought us being compatible. That is so typical of MM, it is always others' fault.

 

So that is it. I guess I will hear a lot "I told you so" from you all. And as I said I am not even very upset about his back-out behavior, and even I feel sorry for his poor wife, she has been used as a tool or shield for his mess.

[joanofark]

it should be more like "I told you so" to his wife. Obviously this will happen again. And again. And again..........

[Mount]

What do you mean by saying that? Just want to be clear.

 

it should be more like "I told you so" to his wife. Obviously this will happen again. And again. And again..........

[ForeverTainted]

Well, post divorce relationships have a higher success rate if they aren't carried out in the previous marital home. We can tell ourselves a house is just a house but human nature is territorial. So I don't think him keepingthe house for you guys was the best idea. It is always good idea to start a new relationship in a new place.

 

What are your plans for you? Will you go down the garden path again? If he actually divorced would you get back together with him or was this one two many times for him.

[Mount]

But my point of this post/thread is that I think his whole year's effort to convince me/prove to me he is serious is another show/plot again, is that right?

 

Despite he /we had gone to lawyer, but he did back out again and confessed to his wife (and who knows how he said, must be minimizing all the things between us, must be me being the bad one), and spoken to me over the phone saying he is not interested in me...etc as his wife was next to him.

 

My plan, is I do not want to have anything to do with him. As I said earlier, I am not very upset, but I am just so tired for all the repeating pattern.

 

Well, post divorce relationships have a higher success rate if they aren't carried out in the previous marital home. We can tell ourselves a house is just a house but human nature is territorial. So I don't think him keepingthe house for you guys was the best idea. It is always good idea to start a new relationship in a new place.

 

What are your plans for you? Will you go down the garden path again? If he actually divorced would you get back together with him or was this one two many times for him.

[beach]

I think you're not sad because you know you're not done.

 

More years will go by and you'll still be asking questions you know the answers to.

[Mount]

I am not sad because I am truly tired for all these, truly tired.

 

Also one counsellor I reached out to mentioned, if looking inside deep, the cause I had R with MM was caused by childhood dad issue, dad being emotionally distant, me keeping wanting to have male role model but never had...etc. The current situation between me and MM is me trying to replay childhood scenario but wanted to get it right.

 

The perspective provided by consunsellor enlighted me a bit.

 

I think you're not sad because you know you're not done.

 

More years will go by and you'll still be asking questions you know the answers to.

[whichwayisup]

Not gonna say I told you so and I doubt anybody else is going to either.

 

I will tell ya I am happy that it's finally over so you can move on with your life. You're the winner here, you get "you" back and rid of the crap you've been putting up with for so long.

[Mount]

Thank you. Even though I am aware the R with MM is kind of Affair, I still do not want to live in a bubble, that is why I wanted MM to be single first in order to continue our R. But it seems MM really wants to keep the bubble, and constantly tried to reassure me he will make it happen and tried to tell how much he really loves me, showered me with gift and roses..

 

I know MMs always say the words women want to hear, but who wouldn't not to be loved, especially the person they love too.

 

But again, he failed doing the critial move - leaving wife.

[beach]

Thank you. Even though I am aware the R with MM is kind of Affair, I still do not want to live in a bubble, that is why I wanted MM to be single first in order to continue our R. But it seems MM really wants to keep the bubble, and constantly tried to reassure me he will make it happen and tried to tell how much he really loves me, showered me with gift and roses..

 

I know MMs always say the words women want to hear, but who wouldn't not to be loved, especially the person they love too.

 

But again, he failed doing the critial move - leaving wife.

 

When you stop blaming him - and stop focusing on what he didn't do - you will understand you are responsible too.

 

You kept it going. You stayed active in the affair. You can choose anytime now to end it.

 

Will you take responsibility for your future? Or will you keep blaming him for what you didn't do?

 

You can end it. That would be being responsible for your own happiness and future. No need to rely on him for anything. It's only up to you.

 

Quit waiting for him. He's not leaving her.

[cozycottagelg]

The fact that he says you aren't compatible because you questioned him about the future shows that he is trying to make this your fault.

 

He isn't leaving. Does his wife know about you? I'm confused.

[Mount]

Yes his wife thought MM and myself ended already, but in reality the A was still on. Besides every time he always exposes our ongoing A to his wife voluntarily when he wanted to end the A.

 

The wife seems to believe everything MM said.

 

This time MM' words/ promise crashed again because the lawyer pointed out he doesn't need to wait till March to file and he can do it now. It makes MM's lies (using lowering mortgage to convince me to wait till next March) exposed.

 

 

 

The fact that he says you aren't compatible because you questioned him about the future shows that he is trying to make this your fault.

 

He isn't leaving. Does his wife know about you? I'm confused.

Edited August 4, 2014 by Mount

[Lovemesomehim]

Will not say I told you so. I hope you're doing okay with all the deception and lies from him. (hugs)

[Goodbye]

Ok, I'm confused and curious. You went on vacation with MM and his W? Secretly? I don't get it. Were you in the luggage or something?

[Mount]

Thank you for the hugs.

 

To answer "Goodbye" question, the MM booked their hotel and mine in two hotels with distance of course. When his wife went on shopping, he would drive to me.

 

I knew it sounds sick, but he fed me words like he can not stand not seeing for those days, that's why he covered all expense flying me there in vacation place too.

 

Will not say I told you so. I hope you're doing okay with all the deception and lies from him. (hugs)

[whichwayisup]

Yes his wife thought MM and myself ended already, but in reality the A was still on. Besides every time he always exposes our ongoing A to his wife voluntarily when he wanted to end the A.

The wife seems to believe everything MM said.

 

This time MM' words/ promise crashed again because the lawyer pointed out he doesn't need to wait till March to file and he can do it now. It makes MM's lies (using lowering mortgage to convince me to wait till next March) exposed.

 

Yet so did (do) you Mount. Difference is, she is married to him, has children with him and a long history so it's obvious too that he's a fantastic liar and skilled manipulator.

 

She may not be able to walk away, she doesn't want to give up her life as she knows it, everything she's worked hard for - Why just hand him over to you?

 

I really do hope you're done this time. It's easy to feel numb, not cry and say it's over... Time will tell as weeks and months pass by if you allow him to manipulate you back into his life to be his OW again.

[whichwayisup]

Thank you for the hugs.

 

To answer "Goodbye" question, the MM booked their hotel and mine in two hotels with distance of course. When his wife went on shopping, he would drive to me.

 

I knew it sounds sick, but he fed me words like he can not stand not seeing for those days, that's why he covered all expense flying me there in vacation place too.

 

It is sick. He gets a thrill of it! It's like a big F-U to his wife to bring his OW with him on vacation and sneak away to go be with her.

 

How did you handle it and how did you feel when he went back to the hotel room to his wife? Or times you wanted to be with him during holidays and couldn't.

[Lovemesomehim]

Thank you for the hugs.

 

To answer "Goodbye" question, the MM booked their hotel and mine in two hotels with distance of course. When his wife went on shopping, he would drive to me.

 

I knew it sounds sick, but he fed me words like he can not stand not seeing for those days, that's why he covered all expense flying me there in vacation place too.

 

 

 

Wait...you actually went on vacation with him and his wife and stayed at a hotel not close to them, just to be with this man? If he's being that deceptive, why are you with him? Why would you put yourself through all this pain and misery over a man that has so little concern for you, himself and his wife?

 

 

Look at it this way. You cannot blame this man for leading you where you are today, you only have yourself to blame for your actions. Cold hard truth in it all, a man that is willing to hurt a woman that he claims to love, is a man that posses no values. A man that will take the ow on a vacation with his wife is a man that can not love anyone but himself. How cruel.

[Mount]

Yes I know I have responsiblity for the current outcome. The MM is not only deceptive, he has always been "leveraging" his wife to put in front of him when he wanted to end the Affair, although each time the A has been back. To summerize, MM is the kind of person always putting blames on everyone else except him. This is his pattern.

 

His wife must be having very big heart, compromsing a lot.

 

 

Wait...you actually went on vacation with him and his wife and stayed at a hotel not close to them, just to be with this man? If he's being that deceptive, why are you with him? Why would you put yourself through all this pain and misery over a man that has so little concern for you, himself and his wife?

 

 

Look at it this way. You cannot blame this man for leading you where you are today, you only have yourself to blame for your actions. Cold hard truth in it all, a man that is willing to hurt a woman that he claims to love, is a man that posses no values. A man that will take the ow on a vacation with his wife is a man that can not love anyone but himself. How cruel.

Edited August 4, 2014 by Mount

[Mount]

Touche, You are so right. I wil stay away from all the crap. I am tired of all these drama - seriously.

 

It's time you saw this gutless user for what he is. You keep wanting to believe that you have a future with him, but time and again he is showing that he has no intention of leaving his wife. He is just stringing you along as long as he can, and you keep allowing it. When you finally insisted on him taking action, he proved he is not interested in taking action, and so he blamed you for his inaction, by claiming you are not compatible with him. I hope you will really see him for what he is - a manipulator, liar, and user of women, who only cares about keeping his status quo and not willing to be faithful to his wife, or to take any action towards making a decision. Actually, he has made a decision, and that is to keep the status quo, and as long as you go along with it, and believe his empty promises, you will continue to waste your life on this loser/user. It's time to see him for what he is - a user and manipulator who only cares about himself. It's time to walk away from this crap, and you need to have the guts to walk away, and have the guts to stick with your decision to stay away from him.

[Mount]

I knew all along and I even constantly said in front of his face that he/you are manipulating, serving lip service only. But dont asked me why I have been in R with him, logically I can not answer the question.

 

Also I wonder how his wife is able to live with such Master lier for so long, depressing all along? Because for the mere two years I have been with this MM, it has been impacting my personality, work, and my all other connections with family/friends negatively. I honestly feel that it has been an unhealthy two years so far mentally and physically.

 

I hope you will not allow yourself to be sucked back into it. This guy is a master manipulator and will say whatever it takes to keep you in the affair. But actions speak louder than words, and he has shown by his actions that he has no intention of leaving his wife.

[KaliLove]

I knew all along and I even constantly said in front of his face that he/you are manipulating, serving lip service only. But dont asked me why I have been in R with him, logically I can not answer the question.

 

Also I wonder how his wife is able to live with such Master lier for so long, depressing all along? Because for the mere two years I have been with this MM, it has been impacting my personality, work, and my all other connections with family/friends negatively. I honestly feel that it has been an unhealthy two years so far mentally and physically.

 

She's been able to live with it the same way you've been able to live with it.

[whichwayisup]

I knew all along and I even constantly said in front of his face that he/you are manipulating, serving lip service only. But dont asked me why I have been in R with him, logically I can not answer the question.

 

Also I wonder how his wife is able to live with such Master lier for so long, depressing all along? Because for the mere two years I have been with this MM, it has been impacting my personality, work, and my all other connections with family/friends negatively. I honestly feel that it has been an unhealthy two years so far mentally and physically.

 

If you don't know and you're the OW, maybe his wife is in the same frame of mind. Since he is a master manipulator don't you think he's fooled her as well? He is a shi.t!

 

It's not helping you, bringing up his wife and asking why she continues to stay. I think for your sake, it's more important to figure out a way to get him out of your blood since you say you've changed and this affair is unhealthy and done damage to you.

[Mount]

I remember someone mentioned one theory - living in a lie without knowing truth during the whole life is kind of bliss.

 

Guess some BSs are trying to maintain the "bliss", especially their whole lives have been in the marriage.

 

 

 

She's been able to live with it the same way you've been able to live with it.

[Hope Shimmers]

Why are you so concerned about why the BS stays? Who knows what he's telling her.

 

Besides, maybe if she knew he took you along on their vacations she would leave him. But YOU know that - you are the one who spends days of your time to be available to him for whatever hour or so here or there that he makes time for you.

 

If I were you I would be asking myself why YOU put up with that. She's his wife, and for whatever reason she stays with him it's a better reason than you will ever have as his OW.

 

I really would like to know why you thought he needed to have you there on his wife's vacation. Did you think he really could not live without you for a week, as he said? That is not love. Or did you just need that bit of time from him? I'm just having trouble understanding why someone would do that.