Here we go - MM back out again

[Mount]

For me, as I always wanted to visit that place, and MM insisted me going as he claimed he could not bear we being apart without seeing each other.

 

So mainly for me, I agreed to go on vacation to visit the place plus seeing MM as a bonus.

 

I can not answer for you regarding MM's true intention besides what he verbally expressed.

 

Why are you so concerned about why the BS stays? Who knows what he's telling her.

 

Besides, maybe if she knew he took you along on their vacations she would leave him. But YOU know that - you are the one who spends days of your time to be available to him for whatever hour or so here or there that he makes time for you.

 

If I were you I would be asking myself why YOU put up with that. She's his wife, and for whatever reason she stays with him it's a better reason than you will ever have as his OW.

 

I really would like to know why you thought he needed to have you there on his wife's vacation. Did you think he really could not live without you for a week, as he said? That is not love. Or did you just need that bit of time from him? I'm just having trouble understanding why someone would do that.

[A.Moscote]

...I wil stay away from all the crap. I am tired of all these drama - seriously.

Are you sure to end this R? Concretely end it? You know, to face all the hard works, struggles and turmoils.

 

Don't you want to wait a little bit? Just laying low and minimize the deception to his wife. He already met the lawyer, and Sept 1 isn't that far.

You've been with him for years, surely you can make it through with him, if that is what you really want.

 

Guess some BSs are trying to maintain the "bliss"

Many times we all (BS, AP, whoever) are tempted to maintain a blissful perception, even when we are very much aware that it is a wrong kind of situation to be maintained.

 

Take your time, and calculate your move properly, Mount.

[Mount]

I don't even know why you suggested me "waiting", is another kind of sarcastic answer to ensure I leave the crap asap?

 

To answer your question, initially I bought what he said about mortgage theory and believed he would make the move next March. But my insisting him meeting lawyer burst the bubble he tried to set up. And really my gut was telling me he would not deliver the promise, that is why I insisted him to see Lawyer last week instead of year 2015 if Lawyer feels his theory making sense too, guess my gut was right again.

 

To answer previous poster regarding why going vacation with MM.I can not answer for you regarding MM's true intention besides what he verbally expressed. Or could be, similar to what MM always asked me to visit their marital house or sleep on their bed when BS being away, which I never agreed and thought his request being very odd, his bringing along to vacation was another way to humiliate BS?

 

So basically the MM is using BS to "humiliate" me, and using my "invading" their house/vacation to "humiliate" BS? Not sure if my perspective is right.

 

 

Are you sure to end this R? Concretely end it? You know, to face all the hard works, struggles and turmoils.

 

Don't you want to wait a little bit? Just laying low and minimize the deception to his wife. He already met the lawyer, and Sept 1 isn't that far.

You've been with him for years, surely you can make it through with him, if that is what you really want.

 

Many times we all (BS, AP, whoever) are tempted to maintain a blissful perception, even when we are very much aware that it is a wrong kind of situation to be maintained.

 

Take your time, and calculate your move properly, Mount.

[Hope Shimmers]

So last week we met a good family law lawyer and MM paid ~$500 for the lawyer supposely one hour consultation but only 30 minutes indeed, as MM's case is quite simple. But the lawyer mentioned very critical point is that if MM wants to keep the house, he should not wait till next March to accumulate more equity of the house as it might increase the difficulty for MM to keep house.

 

Okay... so he paid an attorney $500 to essentially blow his flimsy excuse out of the water.... for the attorney to say what should be common sense to everyone in the world - that the more equity that a married couple have in a house, the more claim one or the other partner would have in it. He should have known that. $500 for 30 minutes? (I picked the wrong profession.)

 

Certainly you saw through this excuse from the get-go? It makes no sense and it's the opposite of what's true. Even if you didn't understand that it was just a lie, didn't you ask yourself why did he extend it to Sept 1st? Why not now? Why wait a month?

 

To answer previous poster regarding why going vacation with MM.I can not answer for you regarding MM's true intention besides what he verbally expressed. Or could be, similar to what MM always asked me to visit their marital house or sleep on their bed when BS being away, which I never agreed and thought his request being very odd, his bringing along to vacation was another way to humiliate BS?

 

So basically the MM is using BS to "humiliate" me, and using my "invading" their house/vacation to "humiliate" BS? Not sure if my perspective is right.

 

I didn't ask you what the MM's true intentions were (I know the answer to that). I was curious what YOU thought his intentions were, and if you truly believed that he seriously loved you so much that he could not live without you for a week, which is what you stated. In order to go through with this vacation fiasco with his wife, I would think you would have to at least ask yourself why he is doing it and why you are doing it.

 

I'm sorry, but I don't believe that your first priority was the vacation spot itself and that "MM was just an extra benefit to being there". I think you went for him.

 

I agree with WWIU that it is a big "F U" to both of you and he gets a huge ego boost out of knowing that he has both of you at his beck and call and he's such a stud that he is "managing" two women at a time and has two women who would put up with this nonsense. Yuck. I'm sorry Mount - you need to get some self-respect and get out of this, already. I hope you do.

[2sunny]

For me, as I always wanted to visit that place, and MM insisted me going as he claimed he could not bear we being apart without seeing each other.

 

So mainly for me, I agreed to go on vacation to visit the place plus seeing MM as a bonus.

 

I can not answer for you regarding MM's true intention besides what he verbally expressed.

 

Going on that vacation with them is just... So gross - I can't even believe it.

 

He has some ego! And you help him grow his big, fat ego even bigger. And then you are the one left on your own while he has that "secret" satisfaction that he has two women looking out for his needs. Yet he won't choose - he won't change it. What a loser! I'd have such a difficult time not being disgusted with him every time I like in his direction. Just like I felt when I found out my exH had been cheating - I can still hardly look his way without feeling nauseous! It's been 9 years.

 

When men don't act in a respectful way - I have a difficult time thinking they are attractive. That gross inside of them and lack if character and integrity can make a beautiful man ugly to me.

 

 

Besides, if he left her and was with you - he's has a vacancy to fill, right? He'd go searching for his new thrill while dating you.

 

Once a guy like him gets used to having two women wooing over him - he's not likely to suddenly feel that one serves all his needs.

 

The guy is gross. I wish you wanted more for yourself.

[Mount]

I don't think I need such interrogation from your reply because I had already posted in my original open post, if you happened to read carefully.

 

After lawyer meeting I did ask to move up the starting process now on Thursday night and then ......pls refer my original post to see what happened.

 

I guess in the whole situations, none of us (me, MM and his wife) have self-respect or whatever you call. It seems that Affair is humiliating everyone in the circle.

 

 

 

Okay... so he paid an attorney $500 to essentially blow his flimsy excuse out of the water.... for the attorney to say what should be common sense to everyone in the world - that the more equity that a married couple have in a house, the more claim one or the other partner would have in it. He should have known that. $500 for 30 minutes? (I picked the wrong profession.)

 

Certainly you saw through this excuse from the get-go? It makes no sense and it's the opposite of what's true. Even if you didn't understand that it was just a lie, didn't you ask yourself why did he extend it to Sept 1st? Why not now? Why wait a month?

 

 

 

I didn't ask you what the MM's true intentions were (I know the answer to that). I was curious what YOU thought his intentions were, and if you truly believed that he seriously loved you so much that he could not live without you for a week, which is what you stated. In order to go through with this vacation fiasco with his wife, I would think you would have to at least ask yourself why he is doing it and why you are doing it.

 

I'm sorry, but I don't believe that your first priority was the vacation spot itself and that "MM was just an extra benefit to being there". I think you went for him.

 

I agree with WWIU that it is a big "F U" to both of you and he gets a huge ego boost out of knowing that he has both of you at his beck and call and he's such a stud that he is "managing" two women at a time and has two women who would put up with this nonsense. Yuck. I'm sorry Mount - you need to get some self-respect and get out of this, already. I hope you do.

[2sunny]

I think his meeting with his atty was just smoke and mirrors - because when it came down to him actually doing something to change it he just didn't pull the trigger.

 

It really makes me believe he will never leave her.

 

BUT - he will always find a way to blame someone other than himself. That sucks too!

[Hope Shimmers]

I don't think I need such interrogation from your reply because I had already posted in my original open post, if you happened to read carefully.

 

After lawyer meeting I did ask to move up the starting process now on Thursday night and then ......pls refer my original post to see what happened.

 

I guess in the whole situations, none of us (me, MM and his wife) have self-respect or whatever you call. It seems that Affair is humiliating everyone in the circle.

 

No one is trying to 'interrogate' you, Mount. These are just suggestions of questions that you should be asking yourself. I certainly don't need to know the answers - they won't help me. You are the one who started the thread.

 

I did happen to read your post carefully and saw that you were skeptical but still tried to believe him even after he shifted the date to Sept 1. Now he has said that you two aren't compatible (if I remember correctly, he has said that to you before in the same situation more than once - it's his way of 'blame-shifting').

 

I am just having a really hard time understanding why anyone would lower themselves enough to let their MM pay for their vacation and then be shunned away in hiding in a different hotel to just be there waiting until the wife goes shopping so he can then come to have sex with you. That is just SO gross and horrible to me. Not only to the BS, but to you. Just unfathomable to me.

 

I'll stop beating a dead horse now as you are clearly going to do what you will do. I have been here for many years and have seen many times where you said the same thing that you did in this thread - that you are done - and yet you keep going back. No growth at all in these years, you are just at the same place. I hope for you that it changes. Maybe this time it will "take". Take care.

[HermioneG]

I don't think I need such interrogation from your reply because I had already posted in my original open post, if you happened to read carefully.

 

After lawyer meeting I did ask to move up the starting process now on Thursday night and then ......pls refer my original post to see what happened.

 

I guess in the whole situations, none of us (me, MM and his wife) have self-respect or whatever you call. It seems that Affair is humiliating everyone in the circle.

 

Mount- Hope is wise, and her words should be heavily considered.

 

If I recall correctly, a year ago this affair was exposed to his wife, and he left to go to you, and then went back.

 

And a year later there is still this game playing. I am sure he is spending all his time with her, gaslighting her, and telling her you mean nothing. Just as he is spending his time with you doing the reverse.

 

He had a chance to leave. He did not. He is always going to have another reason. Please look at his behavior as a whole. Look at how he is treating both of the women in his life. Both. This is low character and manipulation. You deserve better.

[Mount]

See, that is the part as a reader you did not believe I wrote here, previously answer why I finally agreed to go on VAC with them.

 

Who said who had sex there, as I mentioned over and over, the place is a shopping resort I have been always wanted to go, since MM insisted me going, I went there and spend most time shopping too (everyday till 11:00pm). So I had to arrange the limited time to meet MM when his wife was on shopping. No time for sex or else with MM. Believe what I said, yes it might sound gross, but my agreement going on vacation is mainly for myself, not for MM.

 

No one is trying to 'interrogate' you, Mount. These are just suggestions of questions that you should be asking yourself. I certainly don't need to know the answers - they won't help me. You are the one who started the thread.

 

I did happen to read your post carefully and saw that you were skeptical but still tried to believe him even after he shifted the date to Sept 1. Now he has said that you two aren't compatible (if I remember correctly, he has said that to you before in the same situation more than once - it's his way of 'blame-shifting').

 

I am just having a really hard time understanding why anyone would lower themselves enough to let their MM pay for their vacation and then be shunned away in hiding in a different hotel to just be there waiting until the wife goes shopping so he can then come to have sex with you. That is just SO gross and horrible to me. Not only to the BS, but to you. Just unfathomable to me.

 

I'll stop beating a dead horse now as you are clearly going to do what you will do. I have been here for many years and have seen many times where you said the same thing that you did in this thread - that you are done - and yet you keep going back. No growth at all in these years, you are just at the same place. I hope for you that it changes. Maybe this time it will "take". Take care.

[2sunny]

Touche, You are so right. I wil stay away from all the crap. I am tired of all these drama - seriously.

 

He loves the drama. He feeds off the drama. That's why he needs you around... Drama is exciting to a creep like him.

 

Funny thing about drama though - it sucks the life out of those who get used to fuel his drama.

 

I don't think you're so tired of his crap that you'll end it - but I do have hope that some day you will decide that your worth way more than that crap he's spoon feeding you.

[Hope Shimmers]

Believe what I said, yes it might sound gross, but my agreement going on vacation is mainly for myself, not for MM.

 

Then you should have paid for it yourself and gone yourself at a different time, rather than to be hidden away waiting for MM's crumbs while you are there. You posted that he "insisted on paying because he couldn't live without seeing you". If the vacation was for you, then I think you should have planned it and funded it yourself.

 

Good luck Mount.

[Mount]

Thanks 2Sunny. I know, as much the emotion I left for MM, I am too tired for all these, back and forth. So I really need call it quit. It has been impacting me negative over the two years. I can not let it happen continuously. I love me more.

 

 

He loves the drama. He feeds off the drama. That's why he needs you around... Drama is exciting to a creep like him.

 

Funny thing about drama though - it sucks the life out of those who get used to fuel his drama.

 

I don't think you're so tired of his crap that you'll end it - but I do have hope that some day you will decide that your worth way more than that crap he's spoon feeding you.

[whichwayisup]

So I really need call it quit. It has been impacting me negative over the two years. I can not let it happen continuously. I love me more.

 

Make yourself accountable and make a deadline. Promise yourself by that date you will be done with MM.

 

Detach, cut him out of your life bit by bit. Rely on him less emotionally, stop having sex with him, don't take any money from him. Get busy and focus on other aspects of your life. Call up women friends and spend time with them. Get involved in charity work or volunteer somewhere. The busier you make yourself be, the less you'll have time for him - And, you'll start to feel happier again, less stressed being away from MM's drama. He seems like an emotional vampire sucking the life out of you.

[2sunny]

Reward yourself too - when you go longer stretches of not communicating with him.

 

Like, after a week of ignoring him on every level - treat yourself to a massage or a day at the spa!

[BrokenPrincess]

Pretty sure this is the first time I've heard of an OW secretly being on vacation with MM & his W. Thats pretty ballsy. Especially for a guy who only lasted 1 day out of his house last time he left his W!

 

Just wondering try why you would agree to this. Weren't you lonely at night eating dinner & going to bed alone, knowing he was in bed nearby with his W?Did he give you money to go shopping every night til 11pm?

[Mount]

No, shopping was my goal that why I finally agreed on going after his trying to convince me to go. So I did shopping for myself by using my fund.

 

Pretty sure this is the first time I've heard of an OW secretly being on vacation with MM & his W. Thats pretty ballsy. Especially for a guy who only lasted 1 day out of his house last time he left his W!

 

Just wondering try why you would agree to this. Weren't you lonely at night eating dinner & going to bed alone, knowing he was in bed nearby with his W?Did he give you money to go shopping every night til 11pm?

[daisydook]

I love me more.

 

Do you? Please really sit down and think about this statement. Start LIVING this way. Right now, it is just words, Love.

 

You need to love you more, and you need to start now. You, in my eyes, do not love yourself more right now.

[herself]

SO, he took you on vaca cause he couldn't go a week without seeing you...now he can go forever without seeing you? Riddle me that.

Im guessing he was caught since he called u with his wife sitting right there to end it. She made him?

[GettingOver]

Dear Mount!

I am not gonna judge you or anything, I will only share a bit if my experience so that you could probably feel better and not alone.

Long story short: 3,5 years, different countries up till the last 8 minths, 15 years age gap (him older), broke up 3 times (now is the third time).

After the first year he said his wife rejected to divorce which means 3 years official separation before he can do anything in his country. I offered him several variants how i can make it to his country and we live togetehr while waiting. He rejected everything and finally said his daughter was ill and he needs to go back home (according to him they lived separately back then) to invest into her treatment financialland emotionally. Broke up. Then started talking again, another year ... he still said he was afraid for the daughter and also doesn't have financial stability. On top he would blow hot and cold. Broke up. Then I moved to his country all by myself without him knowing, but got into a trouble and had to contact him. A resumed. He said he would leave when his kids are both 18 (2,5 years waiting time). I said - ok, just make more time for me, probably negotiate an open marriage while waiting. In two months he decided to do MC with his wife instead to find out if chemistry can be back. I was devastated, but we kept seeing each other. MC did not bring back the chemistry, but then he said that "he is not sure" cause he realised he is staying married only for the kids and has some warm feeling to W. I was again shocked. That same day he said that before he leaves he wants to wait till his son passes school leaving exam (2,5 months). Ok, I was nearly dead due to everything, but I decided to wait. When the kid did the exam I asked again and he said he is afraid because of his DAUGHTER (16) and cannot leave till kids live in the house. You see the pattern?...

Why am i telling all this?... The one who wants to get a D and be with you doesn't make you wait till x,y,z time point. These MM sometimes do not know what they want as well, but it is definitely not divorce. I told him that he would NEVER leave, because he DOESN'T WANT TO and we broke up for the second time. I was too exhausted and lost self-respect. I hope I will never again allow myself to go back. Your MM (and mine as wee) proved it several times that you will be the one he will drop in the first place should smth happen. I wish all of us to stay strong and never allow this to happen again.

[Mount]

Hi "GO", oh my, your story and experience sounds horrible. Why did you even make the move to his country if he did not do anything yet.

 

And yes I can imagine how it can be exhausting, and we all get tired, at least I am and hope you do too.

 

Dear Mount!

I am not gonna judge you or anything, I will only share a bit if my experience so that you could probably feel better and not alone.

Long story short: 3,5 years, different countries up till the last 8 minths, 15 years age gap (him older), broke up 3 times (now is the third time).

After the first year he said his wife rejected to divorce which means 3 years official separation before he can do anything in his country. I offered him several variants how i can make it to his country and we live togetehr while waiting. He rejected everything and finally said his daughter was ill and he needs to go back home (according to him they lived separately back then) to invest into her treatment financialland emotionally. Broke up. Then started talking again, another year ... he still said he was afraid for the daughter and also doesn't have financial stability. On top he would blow hot and cold. Broke up. Then I moved to his country all by myself without him knowing, but got into a trouble and had to contact him. A resumed. He said he would leave when his kids are both 18 (2,5 years waiting time). I said - ok, just make more time for me, probably negotiate an open marriage while waiting. In two months he decided to do MC with his wife instead to find out if chemistry can be back. I was devastated, but we kept seeing each other. MC did not bring back the chemistry, but then he said that "he is not sure" cause he realised he is staying married only for the kids and has some warm feeling to W. I was again shocked. That same day he said that before he leaves he wants to wait till his son passes school leaving exam (2,5 months). Ok, I was nearly dead due to everything, but I decided to wait. When the kid did the exam I asked again and he said he is afraid because of his DAUGHTER (16) and cannot leave till kids live in the house. You see the pattern?...

Why am i telling all this?... The one who wants to get a D and be with you doesn't make you wait till x,y,z time point. These MM sometimes do not know what they want as well, but it is definitely not divorce. I told him that he would NEVER leave, because he DOESN'T WANT TO and we broke up for the second time. I was too exhausted and lost self-respect. I hope I will never again allow myself to go back. Your MM (and mine as wee) proved it several times that you will be the one he will drop in the first place should smth happen. I wish all of us to stay strong and never allow this to happen again.

[Mount]

To answer your question, based on what MM told me, and it was his pattern, happened once before last year, that he "thought through" over the night, and woke up his wife and confessed AGAIN. Then he must have told wife he would break it off over the phone, saying he's not interested in me...etc same old same old like last time.

 

As so many posters pointing out, it is so obvious that this MM only loves/cares about himself, not anyone else, neither me nor wife. Since I can tell, I am sure his wife knows too since they almost married close 40 years.

 

SO, he took you on vaca cause he couldn't go a week without seeing you...now he can go forever without seeing you? Riddle me that.

Im guessing he was caught since he called u with his wife sitting right there to end it. She made him?

[GettingOver]

Hi "GO", oh my, your story and experience sounds horrible. Why did you even make the move to his country if he did not do anything yet.

 

It took me almost a year to get all the paperwork done... When I started we were still together and I would do whatever to be with him. I understood that he is not doing anything ... But I was so in love and ignored this understanding. I preferred to think: "oh... He is in a such a difficult situation! He cannot do anything, so I will do myself."

The place is nice though! I entered the university, learn a new language, I even met someone new! I do fight with some "mood swings" from time to time (related to exMM, that I miss him or do), but I am doing much better

[scatterd]

Mount

This man is not a good catch he is deceiving and selfish.He may of went to an attorney and thought he would get the house but I bet she would not give it to him with out a fight. She would end up with half of everything. You have to admit it is pretty tacky to take you on their vacation and to expect you to live in the home they built together. He is trying to stab his wife in the worse way. If she knew this she would probably kick him to the curb. He is gas-lighting her which is cruel and would cause her lasting pain. If he could do this to his wife after being with her so long he would be capable of doing this to you. Find someone that has some compassion and morals. No woman should settle for less.I wish you better.

[Mount]

Hi Scattered, not to speculate, the MM had mentioned multiple times to me and also to the lawyer he wanted to buy his wife out of the house, gave her 50% of everything. Also he said his wife mentioned to him she will not choose living in the house if they split.

 

I assume the MM "confessed" again (3rd time) to wife, I have no idea what he said to her of course.

 

Mount

This man is not a good catch he is deceiving and selfish.He may of went to an attorney and thought he would get the house but I bet she would not give it to him with out a fight. She would end up with half of everything. You have to admit it is pretty tacky to take you on their vacation and to expect you to live in the home they built together. He is trying to stab his wife in the worse way. If she knew this she would probably kick him to the curb. He is gas-lighting her which is cruel and would cause her lasting pain. If he could do this to his wife after being with her so long he would be capable of doing this to you. Find someone that has some compassion and morals. No woman should settle for less.I wish you better.