wanting to do what is right

[alea]

New here so I am just going to lay it on the table. I am a cheater and a sex addict. I did not fully realize I was a sex addict until I married and cheated on my husband. He told me that cheating on him would be a deal breaker because it had happen to him before. As to why I cheated it is as complicated and simple as I am a really emotionally ****ed up person who because of my addiction should probably not be in a relationship with anyone ever because I use my addiction to keep my self from experiencing true intimacy (something I realize now, did not then).

 

Despite what he said it was not a deal breaker. He wants us to stay together and work things out. While part of me wants to say yes leave me, that is what is best, I obviously have know idea what is best so who am I to make that decision. If he wants to stay I feel like I should support him. I made those vows and now that I fully understand my problem I want to keep the commitments I have made and stop running from them when the going gets tough. We are in couples therapy, individual therapy, and I am starting the SAA program. The issue that I am facing right now is that when my husband found out he decided that the only way he would be able to move on would be to have a revenge affair because it made him feel better and allow him to move on the last time.

 

He feels completely justified in what he is doing because to him this is the only way he can move on and he did not ask to have to do this. I am trying to be supportive because what right do I have tell him he cannot cheat on me, but this has been hanging between us for 4 months since he is having a hard time finding the right person the have the affair with. He says he has to have a connection with the person to **** them. In trying to deal with this we have gone through us discussing it at length to quickly going to not discussing it at all. I have tried to be supportive and make this as easy on him as possible. Pretend that everything is ok, that this is not a big deal.

 

I have tried everything from being involved and offering to help him find someone to very quickly turning to I want to know nothing because I know that if we talk about this I will not be able to control my screaming this is so ****ed up. I was doing ok until a week ago when he was drunk he told me that he had found someone and he thinks she may be the one, though he still needs to spend some more time talking to her through email to make sure. The instant anger I felt was so intense I almost punched him, so since I know this is gong to happen soon despite everything I have tried I know I am distancing myself from him, which he says I have no right to do and to make this go as smooth as possible for him I need to just act normal and keep my emotions to myself.

 

Our therapist is at a complete loss on how to help us and I feel like I am losing my mind. All of my friends tell me that I am crazy to stay, but I do not want to hurt him anymore by telling him I am leaving because he refuses not to deal with his problems in a mature manner when he is sticking with me despite me dealing with my problems in a completely immature manner.

 

Everyone I talked to about this says I am crazy to stay, that he is being sadistic and that I need to run. Has anyone else been here? Can anyone help me?

Edited August 4, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[SmokeRat]

I'll bite on this one =p.

 

So you have a problem, you've admitted it and you're seeking help for that problem. First, that's awesome keep it up.

 

We have a saying here in the Fire Department for situations like yours, 'No Duff, No Duff'. Meaning we have one hell of a cluster f#$k of an emergency here.

 

Listen, you did wrong by your husband, in the worst way possible. And while I can understand your husbands' anger towards what you did to him, his persistence in having a revenge affair is equally cruel.

 

I'm curious to ask you, does your husband actually have the will to go out and have an affair? Or is he just blowing smoke and venting his anger and emotional turbulence at you as a way to cope?

 

I'd also like to point out, that you state he is not dealing with HIS problems. However, isn't the fact that you cheated on your husband the very reason he has these problems?

 

At this point, it is up to you whether or not to stay. But I would suggest taking this post over to the OW/OM forums, as they would be more apt to offer assistance and sound advice. Regardless, keep up with your SAA meetings.

[lolablue17]

he refuses not to deal with his problems in a mature manner when he is sticking with me despite me dealing with my problems in a completely immature manner.

 

This sentence says it all... You both are just perfect for each other.

 

I'm sorry but you talk like you have no control of your life. you act like Nothing is on your responsibility...

 

It's always about what "he's doing", and what "your friends tell you to do" and your behavior is "because you're have an uncontrollable addiction". so you have no problem to put the blame\responsibility on no matter what, even on the rain or wind, as long is it's not you.

 

When you start taking some responsibility, when you understand that your life route affected directly by your actions, then and only then, things will start doing better...

[BetrayedH]

My wife had a year-long emotional and physical affair with her boss. When I discovered it, she agreed to end it, have no contact with the other man for life, to never lie to me again, and to never cheat again. She wanted to work on the marriage and I agreed.

 

But I experienced an extraordinary jealousy that my wife had gotten to have this year-long fantasy affair in the middle of our marriage and that I wouldn't. I also couldn't shed the anger I had at her for the minute-to-minute mind-movies I suffered. I began to surmise that more 'balance' in the equation was needed. I had all of the moral high ground and she had nothing to stand on. She had a year-long affair and I had nothing (even having sex with her was difficult at that point). I decided to have my own brief affair to bring some balance to the situation.

 

In my case, I kept it secret. It was never about 'revenge' to me. I just wanted to get over her affair. I intentionally avoided picking someone with whom I would have an emotional connection. It didn't take long. But once in the hotel room and about to have sex, I backed out and apologetically cut off the relationship. I confessed to my wife. She was hurt but told me to do what I needed to do and that she didn't need to hear about it. We agreed that I would leave home for four days. I met with the other woman for two of them.

 

Although the other woman knew it was entirely temporary (I was completely honest with her), she was still hurt. Although I never intended to form an emotional connection, we did. Although I never intended to hurt my wife, it did (a lot). Although my wife thought she couldn't be upset, she was. Although I thought I wouldn't be able to be angry about my wife's affair anymore, I still was. Although I thought it would being some balance, it didn't.

 

The fact is that adding another affair to an already F'ed up situation just expontentially increases the problems in the relationship. Just like your ethical choices were to fix the marriage or leave it, his ethical choices are to fix the marriage or leave it. An affair is abuse. Your husband has a right to divorce you because of your affair but he doesn't have a right to abuse you in return.

 

I had all of the justifications in the world to do what I did and had it all set-up perfectly. Hell, I even got permission. It failed, miserably. You both need to stop this train. Put your foot down. If he wants to fix this marriage, he doesn't get to have any affairs.

 

Oh, one correction...anywhere you see 'wife' in my text above, I should have said 'exwife.' We didn't make it.

[Journee]

My stbxh has made the statement that he is a sex addict. He's had several affairs. During various times of our lives together. I tried to reconcile after the latest OW. The circumstances surrounding the A made it impossible for me to let go. Which was both a good and a bad thing. I often rugswept his sleeping around just really wanting to get away from the hurt. This time I grew so disgusted with our relationship and with him that the thought of meeting another man sounded like a good idea. I even mentioned it here a few times. My stbxh reverted back to his old ways. Ignoring me, sexually releasing through porn and was unemployed. He only had sex with me maybe once every 6 weeks. I felt very alone, unwanted, undesirable. Like trash. Then... I started an incredible job and ...you guessed it,... I met someone. I fell hard and fast. Only this wasn't revenge...this was the end. No more marriage.

 

Meeting this man opened me up like a jalapeno pepper to a sinus cavity. I forgot what it was like to feel. To feel anything.

 

My marriage is over and stbx has moved things out this last weekend. It was a business arrangement for the last seven months anyway it seems.

 

Revenge affairs do nothing but destroy. There is no even ground. Either it destroys the betrayed by changing something in them they held fast to or it ends up being an exit affair....or both in my case. I suppose the betrayed now turned wayward could have the RA and feel they are on even ground but I'm sure the original WS would be hurting. Who really wins?

 

If there is just going to be games played with sex, lies and affairs then just end it. You think you all are hurting now? If he goes through with it, he could become extremely emotionally involved. Inserting more people into your marriage is not the answer.

 

Continue with your self improvement and don't further complicate things by entertaining his revenge fantasies. It's falsely tailored to hurt you and fix him....not going to happen that way. Sure it will hurt you ...but fix his pain? No way.

Edited August 4, 2014 by Journee

[Shadowburn]

I think you husband is being very cruel by intentionally seeking out an affair and flaunting it in your face for 4 months. I could understand if he'd have an affair on impulse, right after he discovered your affair, but to drag it on for months and to share with you all the details? Yes you did hurt him but you owned up to it and working on becoming a better person. He is doing it completely backwards just to punish you.

And please find another therapist or do individual therapy separately. If your therapist "at loss", you need to find someone else.

[DKT3]

I think the idea of a revenge affair crosses the minds of most BS at some point. I know I actively searched out someone for that very reason. I come very close, but in the end I wasn't going to change who I am, what I believe. I instead picked the box marked DIVORCE.

 

Doing this isn't going to help anything. Being a wayward doesn't mean you lose your voice in the marriage, or that you've become his emotional punching bag.

 

With that being said, put on your big girl panties and own your sh I t. Stop blaming.

Edited August 4, 2014 by DKT3

[duramax]

Well guess I can put my input in on this to since been through this as well. Have had bad luck in the past with women, have been cheated on a few times. Let them go for awhile but was just never able to let it go, so got to the point where I had a revenge affair. Not saying its right or wrong but all I can say is it helped me a lot, still in the relationship an we are doing well. Yes it hurt her but she kept an open mind knowing she had the affair that led to me being put on the spot, but also knew it this is what was needed then give it a try. Its hard to explain what the betrayed feels, for me it was the fact of being stripped of power, lose of control, out done so by doing it I was able to regain what was taken from me. Yes I still hurt, I still think about her affair, but it released me to work on the relationship without having the control hanging over my head. An to most of the responses you will get, or have already got keep in mind that not everyone handle or adjust the same as others, yes it is a messed up situation but no sense in bashing someone just because they are different. It worked for us an given the fact you did have an affair if you love him id say try to entertain it to see if it works, but with that said I do not agree it should be rubbed in your face, maybe it would be better to tell him to just do it an not say a word. Good luck an I am sure I will be bashed but hey it worked an saved us so please understand an respect that at least right or wrong.