I don't understand "connecting with people"

[Inflikted]

I've always been very disconnected from the outside world. My upbringing led to me being a bit of a "reclusive hermit". And now, as a 25 year old guy that's never had any kind of friends, never dated, never been "involved" in any way, shape, or form with another person, I find myself pondering on my inability to connect with people.

 

It's not for lack of trying, really. Perhaps it was in my younger years, but over the last several years, I've tried many many times to connect with people on any level, and it's never resulted in even the slightest of success. I concluded a while back that I'm simply "not good enough" for people. As a friend, a lover, anything.

 

That was quite a depressing conclusion, of course, and I struggled with it. The worst incident, of course, was when I encountered an amazing girl who I felt a real connection with; at least, I thought I did, anyway. I fooled myself into thinking that maybe just once, I could be "good enough" for someone that I actually felt something for, but as it turns out, I was wrong. I carried on about this situation for a long time, but it's in the past, now.

 

Aside from the sadness, the loneliness was quite crushing, as well. So, in response, I completely turned off any and all emotions, just a few months ago, and have been running on pure logic ever since. And from a logical point of view, I just can't "crack the code", so to speak. I'm stuck on the idea of "connecting with people", but it's like a foreign language that I just can't decipher.

 

I spend so much of my time pondering on "connecting with people", and why I'm simply unable to do so. But, I always have to remind myself that I'm simply "not good enough" for people.

 

Sad as it sounds, the only being I've ever connected with is the dog I had for about 15 years. He was the closest thing I ever had to a friend, a best friend, even. We practically grew up together, like brothers. Then he passed away a couple of years ago, and I've been alone ever since. Pretty pathetic that the only thing I've ever connected with is a creature that will love you unconditionally so long as you provide a nice home and something to eat.

 

I just... don't get it, and I can't stop thinking about this subject. It almost consumes me. I just can't let it go, and I'm not sure what to do about it. I mean, on a surface level, I fully accept that I'm a lost cause, as far as connecting with anyone goes, and that I will live and die alone. There's no question about that. But it just keeps picking at my brain, every minute of every day.

[Eivuwan]

Telling yourself that you're not good enough will not help you connect with others. It seems that you simply do not know how to communicate from all your years of avoiding people. I will suggest joining some social anxiety groups or seeing a therapist.

[Moonborn]

Sad as it sounds, the only being I've ever connected with is the dog I had for about 15 years. He was the closest thing I ever had to a friend, a best friend, even. We practically grew up together, like brothers. Then he passed away a couple of years ago, and I've been alone ever since. Pretty pathetic that the only thing I've ever connected with is a creature that will love you unconditionally so long as you provide a nice home and something to eat.

 

There is nothing sad or pathetic in finding affection from a pet. Dogs can be better companions than many people, and I definitely miss having one.

 

I just... don't get it, and I can't stop thinking about this subject. It almost consumes me. I just can't let it go, and I'm not sure what to do about it. I mean, on a surface level, I fully accept that I'm a lost cause, as far as connecting with anyone goes, and that I will live and die alone. There's no question about that. But it just keeps picking at my brain, every minute of every day.

 

If you think you are a lost cause you *will* be alone for the rest of your life. It's a self fulfilling prophecy. Self-defeat is no way to tackle a problem that is clearly affecting you deeply.

 

I think you should start from the things you enjoy in life. Do you have a hobby or a passion? Something that you really enjoy doing? If you do, that can be a great way to connect with people who share your passion. Focus on that passion and as you get more involved in it you are bound to find people you can connect with.

 

If you don't have anything like that, well now it's time to find something. Dog training comes to my mind since you mention the deep connection you had with your dog, but there's a ton of things you can do and you know best what could pick your attention.

 

Focusing on something you are passionate about also has the added benefit of keeping you busy. You will have less time to think and stress about the fact that you are alone. As the stress and anxiety diminish, you will also find that it is easier to interact with people.

 

I have been in a similar situation to yours in the past (even if it wasn't as bad as you describe it for me, but then it is also possible that you are seeing things worse than they are). Focusing on my thesis has been my way out.

[preraph]

Well, for starters, you need another dog. I know what it's like to lose them. I had one who was absolutely my favorite relationship ever. I like animals more than people, turns out. They're nice and loyaler and every other thing.

 

Maybe you should get involved in animal rescue. Some rescuers have a really bad attitude towards people because they see the results of the neglectful and irresponsible ones. It might just be your "room" so to speak. You need to do something you really care about so you can have at least some sort of bond with people who also care about it. I see a lot of mainly guys on here who are totally not social but still hope to find a woman so they can have sex and all, but I think that's a very long shot and that people need to just get out and do what they enjoy and see if they meet people they can feel okay socializing with and just concentrate on meeting friends and then down the line, maybe they'll get comfortable enough to attract a woman.

 

but meanwhile, rescue a dog or two and give yourself that daily joy. I'm alone a lot but for my pets and don't know how I'll live without them if it comes to that in old age.

[Inflikted]

If you think you are a lost cause you *will* be alone for the rest of your life. It's a self fulfilling prophecy. Self-defeat is no way to tackle a problem that is clearly affecting you deeply.

 

It's not "thought" or "opinion", though; these are facts. I AM "not good enough" for anyone. I AM going to live and die alone. I don't say these things from a place of sadness (not anymore, at least), it just is what it is. They're facts.

 

I think you should start from the things you enjoy in life. Do you have a hobby or a passion? Something that you really enjoy doing? If you do, that can be a great way to connect with people who share your passion. Focus on that passion and as you get more involved in it you are bound to find people you can connect with.

 

If you don't have anything like that, well now it's time to find something. Dog training comes to my mind since you mention the deep connection you had with your dog, but there's a ton of things you can do and you know best what could pick your attention.

 

My interest levels in anything are always extremely low. I lose interest in everything very quickly, whether it be a "hobby" I've been partaking in all my life, or a new "activity". Even things I actually like doing don't hold my interest for very long, and the things I "enjoy" (and I use that word loosely, hence the quotes) the most are things that don't get me out in the world mingling with people.

 

And really, I'm not very people-friendly, anyway; throw me into a group of strangers, and I just keep to myself, mind my own business, and stay off the radar. So, even if I found new activities to do that I could stick with, that I could be surrounded by people with, I don't see that it would make any difference. I've been thrust into new "groups" plenty of times, whether it be coworkers, or one of the several classes I took while in college, and every time, everyone else manages to mingle around me, but I just don't connect with anybody.

 

Focusing on something you are passionate about also has the added benefit of keeping you busy. You will have less time to think and stress about the fact that you are alone. As the stress and anxiety diminish, you will also find that it is easier to interact with people.

 

I find the inverse to be true for me, actually; what I mean is, I'm so "obsessed" with my deficiency that my thoughts of it actually dampen my performance to do anything else. In other words, my obsession actually distracts me from doing well at anything else. Heck, there are nights I can't even fall asleep (such as last night) because I just can't stop picking my brain about this.

 

Well, for starters, you need another dog. I know what it's like to lose them. I had one who was absolutely my favorite relationship ever. I like animals more than people, turns out. They're nice and loyaler and every other thing.

 

A few months after my dog passed, a family member urged me to get a new dog, and I did. I've had my "new" dog for about two years, now, and... I dunno. I just don't really feel anything for him. Don't get me wrong, I take care of him and treat him well, but I just don't feel a connection with him.

[Moonborn]

It's not "thought" or "opinion", though; these are facts. I AM "not good enough" for anyone. I AM going to live and die alone. I don't say these things from a place of sadness (not anymore, at least), it just is what it is. They're facts.

 

As long as you think this way there is nothing you can possibly do to improve your situation. This is absolutely wrong. From a logical standpoint also.

 

Statistically speaking, it is ridiculous to think that of all people who walk on Earth there is not a single one you would be able to connect with. Surely that will never happen if you keep thinking that it can't happen though.

 

If you are not able to do the needed changes on your own, your only choice is finding a therapist, as the first reply said. I don't like suggesting that because it costs money and can do more harm than good if the therapist is not good, but from how you are putting it I am not sure you have many other alternatives.

 

EDIT: just wanted to add, if you are not saying this from a place of sadness, why are you obsessing over it? I think you are not being honest with yourself.

[amaysngrace]

I love my dog too and maybe you need to stop viewing yourself so negatively for a change?

 

You've even made loving an animal into being a negative.

 

If you really want to change your thinking it is possible but it's going to take work on your part. Are you up for the challenge or would you rather just remain dysfunctional in your unhealthy thought pattern?

 

Your choice.

[Inflikted]

If you are not able to do the needed changes on your own, your only choice is finding a therapist, as the first reply said. I don't like suggesting that because it costs money and can do more harm than good if the therapist is not good, but from how you are putting it I am not sure you have many other alternatives.

 

Last year, when I was hitting a low point in depression, I caved in and went to a therapy session. I left the session knowing that I had no real interest or intention to try any of the little things the therapist suggested in between sessions, and I just saw no point to the whole ordeal. I never went back.

 

On top of that, I later learned that therapy was not covered in my insurance despite having been told that it would be, and I don't have the income to pay out of pocket for therapy sessions on any kind of regular basis.

 

just wanted to add, if you are not saying this from a place of sadness, why are you obsessing over it?

 

That's why I'm very frustrated, because I've already arrived at the conclusion, yet I can't get myself to stop obsessing over it. I want to be able to just make peace with the solitary life ahead of me, but it's a constant struggle to get it out of my mind once and for all.

[Scales]

It's not "thought" or "opinion", though; these are facts. I AM "not good enough" for anyone. I AM going to live and die alone. I don't say these things from a place of sadness (not anymore, at least), it just is what it is. They're facts.

 

If you are going to state facts about your future, they are because you are choosing to make them that way. It's also a fact I'm not going to ride roller coasters again because they make me sick. That fact is due to me choosing not to ride them. If you are making the choice to be alone you have to start by changing that. I kind of digress though as I think you rather like being alone, and are just trying to figure out why you can't connect with people from an intellectual standpoint.

 

Connecting with people is almost never logical. It is almost always emotional. Connecting is relating. Hardships people have gone through, experiences we've shared, and feelings. If you want to connect with people, you have to share your emotional side. You have to trust others. You have built the fort knox of walls around your own emotions as a protection mechanism. If you can't relate to people emotionally, you are cutting yourself off from 99.9% of the population.

 

I would try focusing on what made you cut your emotions off. You still have the ability to care as proven by your dog. Go be emotional for a day. Go get some coffee and tell the cashier person you're really happy today(even if you aren't). Smile like it hurts. Sit around people for an hour. If you aren't having conversations with people, if you aren't sharing experiences, and you aren't relating to their own experiences, then you aren't connecting.

 

If all of this sounds terrible, then it probably isn't an issue with connecting. It's probably an issue of not liking people because you don't trust them.

[Inflikted]

Well, I turned off my emotions and feelings because the bad ones (sadness, depression, anger, etc.) were so much stronger and more overwhelming than the good ones. I very rarely felt "happy", "joyful", or anything like that, and the rare times I did, it was very fleeting, and would get derailed very quickly by some bad feeling. The bad was just too much, too stressful, it was getting too hard to handle. Not only was I constantly thinking about my lonely situation, but I was lamenting it, hurting over it emotionally, and it was just too much. So, the only way I could see out of it was to just turn all of that off.

 

As far as people go, well, let me put it like this. I really don't "like" people. That's not to say I hate people, or anything like that, but I feel like I just tolerate people to varying degrees, throughout my day-to-day life. I don't like interacting with strangers and trying to make small talk or converse with them; unless you're someone I see on a regular basis, such as a coworker, I'm just not social enough of a person to make any effort to interact with someone.

 

That said, I'm not expecting (nor wanting) to be the super popular guy without hundreds of friends, and whatnot. I'd just like to have a close group of friends, an awesome girl to date, people I can spend time with on a regular basis, people to hang around with on the weekends, and stuff.

 

I've tried to open up to people in the past. There have been SOME people I did "like" (as opposed to just "tolerate"), but every single one of those people rejected me in one way or another. The trend I notice is that I'll start opening up to people, and they'll initially "cheer me on" to keep coming further out of my shell, but the closer I get, the more they lose interest, then they pull away and disconnect from me completely, and I revert back into my "shell". That's what happens every time I've tried to connect with a person. It's uncanny, really, because that's exactly how every single instance of me making the effort has gone.

[preraph]

I heard you that you feel it's useless, but I'm telling you anyway that you truly need therapy to dig up, air out, and dispense with some of these feelings bogging you down. You can be less miserable, but you have to want to.

[Moonborn]

What kind of place are you living at? Is it a big town or a small community?

[amaysngrace]

You know, it's hard to connect with people if they show an interest and all you do is ignore them and continue with your monologue.

 

I see where you may have a problem with that.

[Inflikted]

What kind of place are you living at? Is it a big town or a small community?

 

I dunno, I don't get out much, except for going to work. I essentially live in a suburb (I still live at home with my parents, because I don't have a good enough income to move out) near a fairly notable city, but it's not exactly the nicest, safest place. Heck, a few years ago, a postal worker was shot and killed on the street I live on a couple blocks down, in a random act of gang violence.

[Inflikted]

You know, it's hard to connect with people if they show an interest and all you do is ignore them and continue with your monologue.

 

I see where you may have a problem with that.

 

My apologies, I wasn't trying to ignore you or anyone else. But it's not like I talk to people offline about this stuff, anyway. Yes, I could see how that would drive people away, but this is only stuff I discuss in anonymous environments like the Internet.

[amaysngrace]

My apologies, I wasn't trying to ignore you or anyone else. But it's not like I talk to people offline about this stuff, anyway. Yes, I could see how that would drive people away, but this is only stuff I discuss in anonymous environments like the Internet.

 

If this is where you're going to learn some social skills then so be it. Lots of people here are the homebody type. I know I am.

 

But in order to make connections you need to be engaged with others. Don't just surround yourself with yourself. Read other peoples problems, ask questions, offer some understanding or advice if you're able.

 

There is nothing wrong with having anonymous online connections...well maybe there is...but you'd be hard pressed to find anyone here to disagree about that.

 

Welcome to LoveShack!

[Potz4prez]

Well OP, all there is to do is decide you want to make positive changes in your life. Until you've exhausted all your options (self-help, talk therapy, medication, etc) you're just digging yourself a deeper depression hole by whining on the internet.

[Elias33]

You worry about your part of the connection...a connection with another person is not something you do by yourself. Hence the name. Fix whatever you think is not working for you.

 

Your thoughts are your enemy, they are far from fact. Unless you can look into the future, then I would like to make some money with you. Work on how you think, you live in a bubble.

 

Good luck.

[Inflikted]

But in order to make connections you need to be engaged with others. Don't just surround yourself with yourself. Read other peoples problems, ask questions, offer some understanding or advice if you're able.

 

I mean, I try to read around, but I never feel like I have anything insightful to say to someone else about their own problems, so I don't really respond. And I don't like just responding with a "Hey, I'm sorry you're going through that, you're not alone", etc. because to me, that's really not saying anything constructive or helpful. And I can't exactly encourage anyone to get better, because I can't even fix my own problems; my words are meaningless, they have no merit.

 

You worry about your part of the connection...a connection with another person is not something you do by yourself. Hence the name. Fix whatever you think is not working for you.

 

I don't know what's "not working", though. I guess that's part of the problem. All I can really ever do is just "be me", but that doesn't seem to work for me with anyone.

[Eivuwan]

I mean, I try to read around, but I never feel like I have anything insightful to say to someone else about their own problems, so I don't really respond. And I don't like just responding with a "Hey, I'm sorry you're going through that, you're not alone", etc. because to me, that's really not saying anything constructive or helpful. And I can't exactly encourage anyone to get better, because I can't even fix my own problems; my words are meaningless, they have no merit.

 

I don't know what's "not working", though. I guess that's part of the problem. All I can really ever do is just "be me", but that doesn't seem to work for me with anyone.

 

OP, it's clear to me that if you want to make some lasting friendships, what you need is a model. Someone who you can learn through observation. Therapists are very good for that. They can help you learn new social skills. Making new friends is difficult for many people. What is required is persistence and not giving up easily when you feel rejected by someone you like. It seems to me that when you do open up to people, other people are putting in more work than you to try to maintain the relationship and then they just give up because who wants to be doing most of the work all the time? I get that feeling that that's what's happening when you say they cheer you on for awhile and then give up. Relationships have to be mutual to last. That's why I suggest social anxiety groups because people going through the same issue would be more patient with you. Eventually you will learn enough that you can make friends outside of those groups and outside of therapy.

[Inflikted]

It seems to me that when you do open up to people, other people are putting in more work than you to try to maintain the relationship and then they just give up because who wants to be doing most of the work all the time? I get that feeling that that's what's happening when you say they cheer you on for awhile and then give up. Relationships have to be mutual to last.

 

Well, let me clarify that a little. What tends to happen is, I'll start opening up to people, and they'll take notice and give me praise for it, which encourages me to continue on. Eventually, they might include me in some kind of social event. But then as soon as I start putting in the effort to spend time with them, that's when they'll start pulling away. If I say "Hey, we should go do this" or something like that, I get "Yeah, maybe, I'll let you know", which ends up leading to "Sorry, I have plans", etc.

 

Heck, I was trying to get some acquaintances together for my 25th birthday last year, and when I first started asking people, they were on board, but as the day drew closer and as I started following up with people to tell them the when and where, pretty much everyone told me they couldn't come for one reason or another.

 

That's the thing, I do make the effort, but as soon as I start making the effort, that's when people start backing off and pulling away.

 

OP, it's clear to me that if you want to make some lasting friendships, what you need is a model. Someone who you can learn through observation. Therapists are very good for that. They can help you learn new social skills.

 

In order for therapy or social anxiety groups, or anything like that, to work, though, you have to be open to it and you have to believe it can work, and you have to do the things they suggest to you.

 

I, however, am set in my ways. I feel I'm 100% right about myself, and there's nothing any therapist or whoever else can say or do to get me to think otherwise. In my mind, these things would be a waste of time, because I would just disregard said sessions. That's pretty much what I did when I went to the one therapy session I did go to. I went, I talked, she suggested some things, I blatantly lied and said "Sure, I'll try those, and I'll come back again", after which I proceeded to not try those suggestions and not return, because I didn't believe it would be any benefit to me.

[Elias33]

I mean, I try to read around, but I never feel like I have anything insightful to say to someone else about their own problems, so I don't really respond. And I don't like just responding with a "Hey, I'm sorry you're going through that, you're not alone", etc. because to me, that's really not saying anything constructive or helpful. And I can't exactly encourage anyone to get better, because I can't even fix my own problems; my words are meaningless, they have no merit.

 

 

 

I don't know what's "not working", though. I guess that's part of the problem. All I can really ever do is just "be me", but that doesn't seem to work for me with anyone.

 

So you aren't able to tell where relationships go wrong? There aren't moment where you think, I shouldn't have said that? Are you exposed to different types of people? Are you out there? Tried small talk? And when you do, are you listening to them? You have to learn to analyze your behavior, how do people react to you? Ask tough question to yourself, are you unintentionally rude? Do you show low self esteem? Are you seeking approval? Read some books on that, educate yourself.

 

It is your life you are talking about. Don't you dare to give up on that. Everybody deserves the best for them selves. Be ready to work. Get out of the bubble, look at people that have it worse. People are dying everyday, struggling, suffering. Find yourself in a state of gratitude, even if there is nothing in front of you. It starts there. Don't let your thoughts ruin the quality of your life. Because that does happen more than you think.

 

Analyze yourself, use critical thinking, it is the most important thing you'll ever do. Make it your mission.

 

Lastly, don't assume anything. You assume you are going to be alone, you assume there is something wrong with you, etc. Stop assuming until you have proof. And since you can't look into the future, it will always be speculation. If you fail today, that doesn't mean you'll fail tomorrow.

[Eivuwan]

 

I, however, am set in my ways. I feel I'm 100% right about myself, and there's nothing any therapist or whoever else can say or do to get me to think otherwise. In my mind, these things would be a waste of time, because I would just disregard said sessions. That's pretty much what I did when I went to the one therapy session I did go to. I went, I talked, she suggested some things, I blatantly lied and said "Sure, I'll try those, and I'll come back again", after which I proceeded to not try those suggestions and not return, because I didn't believe it would be any benefit to me.

 

Well, even with your explanation, I still think that there is a certain deficiency in social skills that may be pushing people away. It's hard to tell you what it is without seeing you in person. If you are set in your ways then I'm wondering what you want to get out of this forum. You know that what you have been doing has not been working so the logical decision would be to listen to people who have more experience in the social realm. I thought you considered yourself a logical person? But it seems to me that your thought process is not very logical.

[rester]

In order for therapy or social anxiety groups, or anything like that, to work, though, you have to be open to it and you have to believe it can work, and you have to do the things they suggest to you.

 

I, however, am set in my ways. I feel I'm 100% right about myself, and there's nothing any therapist or whoever else can say or do to get me to think otherwise. In my mind, these things would be a waste of time, because I would just disregard said sessions. That's pretty much what I did when I went to the one therapy session I did go to. I went, I talked, she suggested some things, I blatantly lied and said "Sure, I'll try those, and I'll come back again", after which I proceeded to not try those suggestions and not return, because I didn't believe it would be any benefit to me.

 

It sucks when people flake on you like that. It happens to the best of us, but it's definitely a downer. However, it's well known that one of the keys for success in life is having the ability to adapt to new situations. There's nothing wrong with being set in your ways at 25, but you need to accept that it's not the way to bring positive change to your life, which it sounds like you ultimately want.

 

When you ask for advice, it's up to you to pick and choose what might be helpful and what wouldn't be, but it helps to be open to all of it and try what you can. You will have failures, buts that's what life is about. Trying, failing, trying something different, failing, and then finally finding a way that gets you closer to what you are looking for. You can't be afraid of the failure, or you will never progress.

 

If you're unwilling to go the therapy route, I'd suggest self-help books about communication, self esteem, and making connections. Meditation and Buddhism can help you deal with your loneliness and feelings of isolation, if you're open to it.

[carhill]

I don't understand "connecting with people"

 

I've come to believe some people have the gift or skill and others don't. I see this at social gatherings and did so just this past weekend on the other side of the country when interacting. Some people live very within themselves and others are 'out there', and by that I don't mean outgoing, but rather immersed in the spaces around them rather than just their own space. One doesn't have to be chatty kathy to do that, rather present an open aura and listen. Listening and remembering are valuable tools of 'connecting' with people.

 

When I hear people lament about 'not having friends', and if I know those people well, I generally understand why, because, more often than not, they fall on the self-absorbed side of the balance line, hence have difficulty connecting with others and building friendships, save for those who see good in others no matter what their intrinsic personality type.

 

Interesting that you mentioned your dog. In comparison, my cantankerous old male cat is the epitome of a creature who doesn't connect well with others, other than to get his needs met. He's friendly, but with purpose, not to 'connect'. I see a lot of people like that, too. Big world, very diverse. Something for everyone.

 

Maybe I could learn a few lessons from you about connecting less. IMO, a healthy life is a balanced life and everything, including connection, should be pursued in moderation. I had to learn how to connect less, in my case from a professional. If you want to connect more, there are tools out there for you. The hard part is getting the toolbox organized and learning each tool. It's certainly possible though.