I don't understand "connecting with people"

[Allumere]

That's why I'm very frustrated, because I've already arrived at the conclusion, yet I can't get myself to stop obsessing over it. I want to be able to just make peace with the solitary life ahead of me, but it's a constant struggle to get it out of my mind once and for all.

h

 

This is because your conclusion is wrong and NOT logical. Anytime one comes to a conclusion or in this case a decision they aren't comfortable with they go thru exactly this kind of struggle. You have not approached this logically rather you simply created a circular argument that has failed. ALL OF THIS is emotion driven. I highly recommend that you take your logical mind to the library and read up on critical thinking. I also think you need to spend some time in the wonderful world of science and change. Nothing changes? Prove it to me.

 

I, however, am set in my ways. I feel I'm 100% right about myself, and there's nothing any therapist or whoever else can say or do to get me to think otherwise. In my mind, these things would be a waste of time, because I would just disregard said sessions. That's pretty much what I did when I went to the one therapy session I did go to. I went, I talked, she suggested some things, I blatantly lied and said "Sure, I'll try those, and I'll come back again", after which I proceeded to not try those suggestions and not return, because I didn't believe it would be any benefit to me.

 

I haven't decided if this is the depression talking or arrogance or the thickest defense shield ever built. Although I agree if you aren't open to something chances are it won't work......I honestly think that you are afraid it will because then you would be proven wrong. You are so smart, you got it all figured out...well sir, if that was the case, if your logic was so spot on you wouldn't be here as you wouldn't have this problem.

 

SO, now that I have officially been an honest B$$$$, lets talk.

 

a) Have you ever been diagnosed with any type of mood or developmental disorder (my classification may be off..its late)?

 

- You exhibit very classic depression behaviors at the moment. Don't believe me than look it up. Your "logical" thinking is the typical fixation a depressed person experiences.

 

- Nothing will change?..moods do. Proven fact.

 

- People that fall within the Autism spectrum can have a difficult time connecting. Depending on where one falls, one can learn skills that help them with their interactions with people.

 

b) Have you ever asked these people why they pulled away? That feedback could be very useful in terms of your communication skills, what you need to do in regards to providing friendship to the other person etc.

[kolleamm]

OP why don't you just work on your body and get ripped? I have seen few women resist that. You give up way too easily. Giving up is never an option.

[Moonborn]

I, however, am set in my ways. I feel I'm 100% right about myself, and there's nothing any therapist or whoever else can say or do to get me to think otherwise. In my mind, these things would be a waste of time, because I would just disregard said sessions. That's pretty much what I did when I went to the one therapy session I did go to. I went, I talked, she suggested some things, I blatantly lied and said "Sure, I'll try those, and I'll come back again", after which I proceeded to not try those suggestions and not return, because I didn't believe it would be any benefit to me.

 

Forgive me if I am blunt, but why are you even posting here? You are 100% sure you are going to be alone for the rest of your life, you reject therapists' advice, you are basically rejecting all the advice you are getting here, so... Really, what's the point? What was this thread for?

 

And for the last time: there is NOTHING logical in the way you are thinking. All of this is inside your mind. Which doesn't mean that it's not a real problem, but it's not something that you cannot change. Now if you *don't* want to change it that's another thing, but in that case again I don't understand what you are aiming for with this thread.

[Inflikted]

So you aren't able to tell where relationships go wrong? There aren't moment where you think, I shouldn't have said that? Are you exposed to different types of people? Are you out there? Tried small talk? And when you do, are you listening to them? You have to learn to analyze your behavior, how do people react to you? Ask tough question to yourself, are you unintentionally rude? Do you show low self esteem? Are you seeking approval? Read some books on that, educate yourself.

 

Analyze yourself, use critical thinking, it is the most important thing you'll ever do. Make it your mission.

 

I've spent the last several years analyzing myself and my actions, some would even say over analyzing. I got nothing. There's never any major glaring reason I can see that causes people to disconnect from me. It just seems like it always fizzles out just as it's getting started. I don't know what the reason(s) is/ are, and that's one major source of frustration, because I can't figure that out.

 

If you're unwilling to go the therapy route, I'd suggest self-help books about communication, self esteem, and making connections. Meditation and Buddhism can help you deal with your loneliness and feelings of isolation, if you're open to it.

 

I'm not sure how to get myself to be "more open" to these things, though. I'm a very cynical person by nature. People have recommended me "self help" books in the past. I've tried out a couple of them, but I always just end up rolling my eyes at the material, and putting the books down without having absorbed anything.

 

I've come to believe some people have the gift or skill and others don't. I see this at social gatherings and did so just this past weekend on the other side of the country when interacting. Some people live very within themselves and others are 'out there', and by that I don't mean outgoing, but rather immersed in the spaces around them rather than just their own space. One doesn't have to be chatty kathy to do that, rather present an open aura and listen. Listening and remembering are valuable tools of 'connecting' with people.

 

But I've always been a good listener/ "rememberer". Heck, sometimes I remember so many little things about people that they'd probably be creeped out if they knew how much I remembered about them. It's not as though I don't pay attention to what people say, nor do I tune people out when they're talking to me.

 

This is because your conclusion is wrong and NOT logical. Anytime one comes to a conclusion or in this case a decision they aren't comfortable with they go thru exactly this kind of struggle. You have not approached this logically rather you simply created a circular argument that has failed. ALL OF THIS is emotion driven. I highly recommend that you take your logical mind to the library and read up on critical thinking. I also think you need to spend some time in the wonderful world of science and change. Nothing changes? Prove it to me.

 

I didn't say "nothing" changes, I just don't believe my current situation will ever change in any kind of meaningful way. My mind is much too screwed up, and is too set in its ways to change. My mind is like a parasite, really. A parasite I just can't shake.

 

And I hate to say it, but I come from a family of "losers". Everyone in my family is a "down on their luck" kind of person who has never really amounted to anything. My family is filled with people who are single parents, divorced, or stuck in a marriage with a person they hate. Nobody in my family is particularly "successful" in life, many struggle to even hold a basic job, and from the perspective of an outsider, one would say that everyone in my family has the absolute worst "luck" all the time (I use the quotations because I know people will debate that "luck" isn't real, and I'm not trying to say that it is, I'm just describing how it appears). The odds of me having a better life than the rest of my family as it is are slim at best. The fact that I'm so screwed up in the head just cements that fact.

 

a) Have you ever been diagnosed with any type of mood or developmental disorder (my classification may be off..its late)?

 

No, but I'm really never in a situation where that would've happened, anyway.

 

b) Have you ever asked these people why they pulled away? That feedback could be very useful in terms of your communication skills, what you need to do in regards to providing friendship to the other person etc.

 

That's a hard discussion to have with someone who has already disconnected from you. You have to time it right and word it right, otherwise it just comes off as an awkward uncomfortable discussion. I've never really been able to find a good opportunity to ask people about that. I've kinda tried very delicately hinting at that with some people in the past, but it's never amounted to any kind of "feedback" with which to help me better understand things.

 

Well, even with your explanation, I still think that there is a certain deficiency in social skills that may be pushing people away. It's hard to tell you what it is without seeing you in person. If you are set in your ways then I'm wondering what you want to get out of this forum. You know that what you have been doing has not been working so the logical decision would be to listen to people who have more experience in the social realm. I thought you considered yourself a logical person? But it seems to me that your thought process is not very logical.

 

Forgive me if I am blunt, but why are you even posting here? You are 100% sure you are going to be alone for the rest of your life, you reject therapists' advice, you are basically rejecting all the advice you are getting here, so... Really, what's the point? What was this thread for?

 

And for the last time: there is NOTHING logical in the way you are thinking. All of this is inside your mind. Which doesn't mean that it's not a real problem, but it's not something that you cannot change. Now if you *don't* want to change it that's another thing, but in that case again I don't understand what you are aiming for with this thread.

 

I... I don't know, to be honest. All I know is that I'm extremely frustrated, and I've been frustrated for several years. Everything that I've tried over the years has resulted in failure. I've spent the last several years analyzing myself, trying to figure out what's wrong with me, trying to figure all of this out. After all this time, it's all just fed into my cynicism. Yes, everyone has to deal with failure, but most people see sporadic success here and there, and that's what keeps them going. I never see successes here and there. You guys say my thinking is not logical, but I'm only basing it on past experiences. If every endeavor I've made in this area of my life has resulted in failure, then I see no reason to believe the future holds any different result for me. There's no "fairy tale" ending, where something I do finally works, and I go on to have everything I ever wanted in life. There's just me, and my constant series of failures.

 

As far as why I'm posting, well, like I said, I guess I don't really know. I'm just so frustrated and so obsessed with this whole thing, and it's too hard to keep it contained within myself. I don't know what I'm looking for or hoping to find, I just... It's too hard to keep all these thoughts and stuff contained. Even if I'm not feeling any emotions to go along with it, I'm consumed by these thoughts every minute of every day, and it drives me crazy. I wish I could just completely erase my brain, all the memories, all the experiences, every trace of my personality; start from scratch, with a blank slate, because honestly, that's the only way I might ever start thinking differently. I just wish I could figure out how to make it all stop, how to make it all go away, once and for all.

[Eivuwan]

Let me break it down to you of what you are doing. You are using circular logic and you're living a self-fulfilling prophecy.

 

1. I am unable to connect with people. --> 2. I don't want to listen to the advice of therapists or those who know better because I am set in my ways. --> 3. I still cannot connect with people and I don't know what's wrong.

 

This has nothing to do with your worth as a person because of your family or whatever. Plenty of people have broken out of a dysfunctional family structure. The only thing holding you back is your refusal to open your mind and try new things. What is scaring you from trying new things? Your fear of taking risks is stronger than your unhappiness with your current loneliness, but the only way to improve as a person on ANYTHING in life is to take risks, make mistakes, look like a moron, learn from your mistakes, take more risks and so on. You said that you have many failures, but you have never really tried anything different from what you were doing. The failures are not true failures. They're just you trying to fit a square peg into a round hole over and over and wondering why it doesn't work.

[Inflikted]

Let me break it down to you of what you are doing. You are using circular logic and you're living a self-fulfilling prophecy.

 

1. I am unable to connect with people. --> 2. I don't want to listen to the advice of therapists or those who know better because I am set in my ways. --> 3. I still cannot connect with people and I don't know what's wrong.

 

This has nothing to do with your worth as a person because of your family or whatever. Plenty of people have broken out of a dysfunctional family structure. The only thing holding you back is your refusal to open your mind and try new things. What is scaring you from trying new things? Your fear of taking risks is stronger than your unhappiness with your current loneliness, but the only way to improve as a person on ANYTHING in life is to take risks, make mistakes, look like a moron, learn from your mistakes, take more risks and so on. You said that you have many failures, but you have never really tried anything different from what you were doing. The failures are not true failures. They're just you trying to fit a square peg into a round hole over and over and wondering why it doesn't work.

 

I'm not arguing the validity of that from an objective standpoint. I just don't know how to "alter" my mind to think differently, to be different. For me, I feel like trying to alter the way I think is like, as you say, trying to fit a square peg into a round hole (in which, the square peg is my mind as it is now, and the round hole is the "correct" way to think).

[littleplanet]

Dogs aren't people.

They're dogs.

 

People are human.

That's all about humanity.

(which you happen to share with all the rest of us)

like it, or not.

 

I love animals.

I talk to them all the time.

They knock me out.

 

I love people.

I talk to them all the time.

They knock me out.

 

I figure about 99.7% of all humanity I'm probably not 'good' enough for.

That's all right.

What's left is way more people than I will ever find a hundred lifetimes to cultivate anything truly meaningful with.

 

But hey.

You've probably heard that sick joke about the mountain highway?

The two lane with the steep drop, no shoulders?

Around the blind curve - right there in front of you....in one lane, a dog.

In the other lane, a kid.

You're going 90 miles an hour.

Not time to stop.

2 seconds to decide.

Which lane?

 

One of life's defining little moments.

 

Which is all about choice. Self-defining.

One of the most powerful ways we get to know ourselves comes from knowing others. And being known. Comparing notes.

To live a whole life......and never having been 'known'.......kind of means you were never here.

But what's a life for?

What we crave to receive from others - is also what we crave to give.

It's kinda balanced, that way.

 

But how rational, logical, scientific.....is it, really?

We're not machines. Or wind-up toys. (or dogs, bless 'em.)

 

What helped me to learn how to focus on people, as a kid......was paying attention to what people do. Especially the kinds of things I could admire.

Admiring the actions...led directly to admiring the source.

Which of course....is their humanity.

Vanities, egos, vulnerabilities, strengths.

Which can go a long way toward distracting from all those flawsand imperfections.

Perfection - is what's found in a spider web.

(and even the spider would disagree!)

[Eivuwan]

I'm not arguing the validity of that from an objective standpoint. I just don't know how to "alter" my mind to think differently, to be different. For me, I feel like trying to alter the way I think is like, as you say, trying to fit a square peg into a round hole (in which, the square peg is my mind as it is now, and the round hole is the "correct" way to think).

 

You don't have to think differently to do things differently. When a therapist tells you something you don't have to believe it right away. Think of it as a experiment. Also, as with any new skills in life practice practice practice is the only way to get better. That means not avoiding therapy after just one session. Stick with it for at least a year (because your situation seems pretty chronic so it's going to take at least that long for changes to stick). Certain thoughts would always cloud us in life because we have been repeating them for a good number of years. The key is learn how to ignore them and act despite of them. It's going to be very uncomfortable for awhile until you get used to new skills. Can you accept the anxiety and distress that comes with learning new things? No pain no gain.

[rester]

I'm not arguing the validity of that from an objective standpoint. I just don't know how to "alter" my mind to think differently, to be different. For me, I feel like trying to alter the way I think is like, as you say, trying to fit a square peg into a round hole (in which, the square peg is my mind as it is now, and the round hole is the "correct" way to think).

 

First step might be to accept that your thinking is unproductive to your goals. Next step would be taking someone's advice, such as the therapist that you saw. What little steps did you ignore because you are set in your ways? Go back and try those suggestions and see what happens. Don't assume that failure is a bad thing. Learn from it.

[Eivuwan]

If you decide to go back into therapy, one thing I would suggest is to be completely honest with your therapist. It seemed like you were not ready to try out her suggestions. Some people cannot jump into trying new things right away. Let the therapist know where you are at and maybe you can work on the insight aspect first before doing the behavioral stuff. Don't lie that you're going to do it and then avoid therapy. No one can help you if you cannot be truthful. Therapists are understanding. They're not going to judge you because you don't listen right away. Sometimes the therapeutic relationship itself can be healing and you can learn a lot from observing how your therapist talks to you.

[Inflikted]

First step might be to accept that your thinking is unproductive to your goals. Next step would be taking someone's advice, such as the therapist that you saw. What little steps did you ignore because you are set in your ways? Go back and try those suggestions and see what happens. Don't assume that failure is a bad thing. Learn from it.

 

I don't even really remember what they were, specifically. From what I could tell, they were just little things that were supposed to help me "clear my head" and to "think more positively". I think I tried them once or twice, but I just couldn't force myself to keep with it, and they just felt kinda silly and childish, to me. I didn't believe enough that they'd do anything for me in the long run.

 

That means not avoiding therapy after just one session. Stick with it for at least a year (because your situation seems pretty chronic so it's going to take at least that long for changes to stick). Certain thoughts would always cloud us in life because we have been repeating them for a good number of years. The key is learn how to ignore them and act despite of them. It's going to be very uncomfortable for awhile until you get used to new skills. Can you accept the anxiety and distress that comes with learning new things? No pain no gain.

 

It's not even about discomfort, it's just that I believe so strongly that it's not going to help me in the long run. If I continued with therapy for an extended period of time, I'd likely just keep talking and talking and talking, while not actually bothering to do any of the things the therapist suggests. In other words, I'd just be paying money to complain about my problems to someone, while doing nothing else about them.

 

And that's another thing, even if I was open to the idea of therapy, I just don't have the income for it. And my health benefits from my current job don't cover the costs. I simply can't afford to pay for it, certainly not for the extended amount of time it would take for me to *maybe* make some kind of progress.

 

If you decide to go back into therapy, one thing I would suggest is to be completely honest with your therapist. It seemed like you were not ready to try out her suggestions. Some people cannot jump into trying new things right away. Let the therapist know where you are at and maybe you can work on the insight aspect first before doing the behavioral stuff. Don't lie that you're going to do it and then avoid therapy. No one can help you if you cannot be truthful. Therapists are understanding. They're not going to judge you because you don't listen right away. Sometimes the therapeutic relationship itself can be healing and you can learn a lot from observing how your therapist talks to you.

 

I realized that I generalized my experience with therapy in a way that made me sound worse than I really am. A more complete picture of what happened is that she said "Do you think you can try these things out for now?", and I was trying to be honest without being completely dismissive, so I said something like "Well, I'd like to say I'll try, but I'm not good at following through on that kind of thing", and she pretty much said "No no no, no maybe, just be positive and do it". I didn't feel like pushing further with that conversation, so I just said okay, and that was it.

[Eivuwan]

It sounds like you went to a CBT or behavioral therapist and they tend to be more active and more for people who are already very motivated. It wasn't a good fit. I suggest you check out an interpersonal or psychodynamic therapist to see if it works better. You keep saying that you won't listen to a therapist no matter what. You don't know that because you have never been in therapy long enough to develop a trusting relationship with the therapist. That one you went to may not be a good fit, but that doesn't mean other people aren't. When you develop your first trusting relationship, the other ones would be easier. Also we tend to follow people's suggestions more easily once we trust them. You need a therapist with a lot of patience and empathy so look for one like that.

 

Edit: The first counselor I went to in college wasn't very helpful. The therapist I saw in grad school was a much better fit and I've stuck with her for a while now.

[Eivuwan]

And that's another thing, even if I was open to the idea of therapy, I just don't have the income for it. And my health benefits from my current job don't cover the costs. I simply can't afford to pay for it, certainly not for the extended amount of time it would take for me to *maybe* make some kind of progress.

 

 

There are community clinics that offer very low fee to free services (as low as 10 or 20 dollars per session). Yes, you may not make any progress in therapy, but you are definitely not making any now. It's your choice. Deal with anxiety for a temporary amount of time or deal with loneliness and depression for your whole life.

[KaliLove]

My psychologist charges me on a sliding scale. I pay $20 per session right now.

 

If you want to connect with people, you have to be willing to open yourself up to new experiences and ideas. Even here, on this forum, you have an argument for every single idea that anyone's given you. If you're so set in your ways that you cannot relent even the tiniest bit then I'm afraid you might just have to get used to the idea of a solitary life. You can't just expect people to just fall in line with you. Friendships and connections are reciprocal and they take work. Right now, it sounds like you're not willing to put the work into cultivating any type of relationship with anyone.

[Inflikted]

Yeah, I dunno. I had a hard time even finding local therapists before I went to that one session, and it was difficult to tell what "type" of therapist was what. I didn't even realize there were different "types" of therapy. It all sounds a bit confusing, and too much research for something that I'm really not even on board with.

 

I WISH I could convince myself to give it a try, or do something, but I really feel like it would be a complete waste of time and money for me. I'd rather not throw away money on something that I'm not open to (nor do I have faith in). If I were open to it, and had even the slightest of faith that it would eventually help me, it'd be a different story.

 

But isn't this kind of a moot point, anyway? Like I said all the way in the first post, I accept the fact that I'm "not good enough" for people and that I'm always going to be completely alone; it's just the "obsession" over that fact that I want to deal with and get over. All this talk about therapy is more about changing my so-called "incorrect beliefs" (and I suspect that's what a therapist would be focusing on, as well), when I see no reason to adjust those beliefs.

[Eivuwan]

It's not about right or wrong beliefs. It's that your beliefs are clearly not helping you. You seem to want to be at peace with being alone, but humans are social creatures. It's in our genes to want to be with other people. Most humans are biologically unable to be happy alone. That's just the way we are. You can try to fight against nature or work with it.

[GravityMan]

Maybe don't try so hard to "understand" connecting with others. While being inquisitive about stuff is a great, positive quality...I believe there are some things in life that are simply meant to be experienced and are just "the way it is"...and not meant to be deeply understood.

 

Like others said, connections are almost never logical. They are much more firmly rooted in the emotional realm, and also there is a subconscious element to good connections.

 

I think you may be trying too hard. Connections are either there, or they're not. They cannot be forced, and trying to form such bonds is likely to make others want to take a step back from you. They're meant to just happen (or not) organically.

 

In addition to professional counseling for your depression, I suggest not thinking so much about connecting with others. Just get out there, and socialize with people simply for the sake of socializing. Many conversations will seem to "go nowhere", and that's fine, common and normal. Get social with your hobbies and interests. Take baby steps here, and keep your expectations low (ideally they should be zero). Do enough of this over a period of time and your self-confidence may start to improve. If you meet someone, male or female, where it seems that a potential bond may be forming on its own, then just try to roll with it and see where it goes.

 

The mind is awesome, but when it comes to things like interacting with others, the brain can sometimes get in the way.

[Inflikted]

It's not about right or wrong beliefs. It's that your beliefs are clearly not helping you. You seem to want to be at peace with being alone, but humans are social creatures. It's in our genes to want to be with other people. Most humans are biologically unable to be happy alone. That's just the way we are. You can try to fight against nature or work with it.

 

Perhaps, but certainly some people are just completely incapable of connecting with another human being, are they not? Is there not a way for people like that to "get over" that desire?

 

What is something that you are willing to commit to doing to help your situation? Even if it is small. 5 minutes of meditation a day, for example. What is one small step you're willing to take?

 

I honestly don't know. I don't know what kind of steps one WOULD take, and even then, I can typically use my own brand of "logic" to deduce that it wouldn't help me in the long run, and then I'd give up on doing it anyway.

 

Maybe don't try so hard to "understand" connecting with others. While being inquisitive about stuff is a great, positive quality...I believe there are some things in life that are simply meant to be experienced and are just "the way it is"...and not meant to be deeply understood.

 

Like others said, connections are almost never logical. They are much more firmly rooted in the emotional realm, and also there is a subconscious element to good connections.

 

I think you may be trying too hard. Connections are either there, or they're not. They cannot be forced, and trying to form such bonds is likely to make others want to take a step back from you. They're meant to just happen (or not) organically.

 

In addition to professional counseling for your depression, I suggest not thinking so much about connecting with others. Just get out there, and socialize with people simply for the sake of socializing. Many conversations will seem to "go nowhere", and that's fine, common and normal. Get social with your hobbies and interests. Take baby steps here, and keep your expectations low (ideally they should be zero). Do enough of this over a period of time and your self-confidence may start to improve. If you meet someone, male or female, where it seems that a potential bond may be forming on its own, then just try to roll with it and see where it goes.

 

The mind is awesome, but when it comes to things like interacting with others, the brain can sometimes get in the way.

 

It's interesting, because I always notice two trains of thought; one says "You're not trying hard enough", the other says "You're trying too hard". To some degree, I guess I fall under both; I "don't try hard enough", in that, when I'm out and about, surrounded by strangers, I have no desire to randomly attempt to socialize with anyone, and would prefer to just keep to myself. But when I find people I actually like and enjoy being around, I get too emotionally invested in them (because it's like finding a needle in a haystack for me), and then I feel horrible when they end up rejecting me.

 

Thing is, I don't think I ever try to "force" anything. Like I said before, for the most part, I'm a bit "anti-social", in that I don't like dealing with people if I can avoid it (for instance, I'd rather buy products online, than go to a store, and have to talk to associates to get the items I want, etc.), so I don't really "force" interactions at all.

 

That said, on the rare occasion that I find someone I actually like, it feels a lot easier for me to just relax, open up, and be myself. When I like someone, it doesn't feel like "pulling teeth" to interact with them. I can't necessarily speak for WHY I like the people I end up liking. It's just the right mix of personality traits, I suppose. But that's what I want, I want to be with people that I feel "natural" around.

 

Of course, as I've been saying, though, even when I like someone and "be myself" around them and try to let things flow naturally, I still always end up getting rejected by that person. So, clearly, this route has not been successful, either.

[KaliLove]

I really doubt people are going out of their way to reject you as a friend. It's probably a combination of them being busy and you being overly sensitive.

 

What was your last 'rejection' like? What happened?

[Inflikted]

I really doubt people are going out of their way to reject you as a friend. It's probably a combination of them being busy and you being overly sensitive.

 

What was your last 'rejection' like? What happened?

 

The last instance was kind of a weird situation. There's this guy I've known for a while that I've never really liked very much for many reasons, and despite knowing I didn't like him and despite knowing why I didn't like him, he took notice of how sad, depressed, and lonely I was, and took it upon himself to want to help me out.

 

We smoothed things over a bit (as far as the reasons I didn't like him), and it got to a point where he kept saying that we should hang out and do stuff, and I always just said sure, that I was up for whatever. I'd occasionally present an idea, and he'd just say that he'd let me know, and then I'd never hear back from him about it. This went on for a few months. About six months ago, we finally hung out once. For the next few weeks, he kept saying that we'd hang out again soon, but nothing ever materialized. He kinda stopped talking to me as much for a little while, and that's kind of where we've been for the last 5-6 months.

 

We still see each other in passing pretty regularly, but we don't talk much very often. And sometimes when we do talk, he speaks to me in such a way that he would as though we're really good, close friends, constantly hanging out and doing stuff together (when we're not), which is a bit bizarre to me.

 

I know for the last 2-3 months, he's been very preoccupied with this new girl he's dating, and I can understand that. But he and I have been talking about being friends/ hanging out, etc., for over a year, now, and we've only hung out one time, nearly six months ago.

[Eivuwan]

Well that was an instance of a person who you don't really have much in similar with. It's hard to make that kind of relationship work even when the other person means well. I suspect that in general, you give off a "don't get close to me" vibe to people so not many will try to be your friend.

[Eivuwan]

Perhaps, but certainly some people are just completely incapable of connecting with another human being, are they not? Is there not a way for people like that to "get over" that desire?

 

Buddhism is about reducing one's desires. You can try that. Read some Buddhist texts etc. However, I think that you are fighting against your nature so I am not positive that this is the way to go.

[Inflikted]

Well that was an instance of a person who you don't really have much in similar with. It's hard to make that kind of relationship work even when the other person means well. I suspect that in general, you give off a "don't get close to me" vibe to people so not many will try to be your friend.

 

If I do, it's not really intentional. Well, around people I don't know very well yet, yeah, I guess it's somewhat intentional, because again, I don't really want to bother with people if I don't have to.

 

But if I interact with someone repeatedly, on a regular basis, I try to "open up" over time. It can take me a while, but most people I open up to seem to notice and appreciate it, but they still don't want to actually have any kind of friendship or relationship with me.

[SJC2008]

"Connecting" with people isn't as hard as it sound. I don't mean this in a condecending manner. I'm a little different as well so I can relate to you. As a shy person I can tell you that the vast majority of people are very "topical" if that makes sense. I like to talk and I'm not trying to make it sound like I'm some deep zen master or something lol but unless it's on a specific topic like sports, news, what we're doing etc I'm not really interested in it or good at the "small talk" about it. It seems like a lot of people talk just to talk and I don't understand why. I like to joke around and can be quite the goof ball and funny trust me but I'm not a motor mouth.

 

If you're too shy to make friends at work like me, try meetup.com com and find an activity you like, whatever it is. You gotta walk before you can crawl. You may benefit from professional help but I personally refuse to take meds as I have and they didn't help so proceed with caution. I wish I had a magic bullet but just try. Slowly expand your comfort zone and you'll come around. You don't have to be the life of the party, most people are just every day Joes!

[Eivuwan]

If you're too shy to make friends at work like me, try meetup.com com and find an activity you like, whatever it is. You gotta walk before you can crawl. You may benefit from professional help but I personally refuse to take meds as I have and they didn't help so proceed with caution. I wish I had a magic bullet but just try. Slowly expand your comfort zone and you'll come around. You don't have to be the life of the party, most people are just every day Joes!

 

You mean crawl before you can walk. <-- That's why I suggested the social anxiety groups. I do agree that meetup.com is a good idea. However, I believe the OP said that he didn't have many interests? Anyway, OP, this could be a good way for you to obtain some hobbies even if you don't make any friends. Many things in life is fun. When I want to make new friends, I don't go out with that intention because I've found that it makes things unnatural and forced. I like to think of it as I would like to make new friends, but in the meantime I will just socialize with people because people are interesting. People come from all types of backgrounds, have all types of beliefs and interests and it's just fun to learn from others. With that attitude you will naturally make some friends and if you don't, you had a fun experience anyway.