I don't understand "connecting with people"

[Inflikted]

It seems like a lot of people talk just to talk and I don't understand why. I like to joke around and can be quite the goof ball and funny trust me but I'm not a motor mouth.

 

Yeah, I mean, I like to try to be funny and goofy as much as I can, because that's just who I am (or want to be, rather), but it seems like all I'm ever really good for is a chuckle-worthy one-liner here and there, and that's about it.

 

Anyway, OP, this could be a good way for you to obtain some hobbies even if you don't make any friends. Many things in life is fun. When I want to make new friends, I don't go out with that intention because I've found that it makes things unnatural and forced.

 

Well yeah, I never go do anything with the intention of "making new friends", but either way, it never happens spontaneously for me. You're right about the lack of interests; there's just nothing I really have any kind of interest to go out and try, just for the sake of trying it.

 

I don't say that to be difficult; I'm sure there are plenty of activities any one person has never done and has no interest or desire in doing. That's how I feel, but about... well, everything. Granted, if I had people in my life, and they said "Hey, let's go do this" or "We should go here!", I would of course be up to it and open to the new experience, but I'm too complacent with my current hobbies and interests to care much about finding new things to do.

 

It's like, I can understand the sentiment when people say "Stop overthinking, just go out and do stuff", but you have to have even some tiny sliver of passing interest or curiosity to make you want to go do something new. For instance, if you decide to try playing some kind of sport, chances are, you've had some inkling of interest in it, in some form or another for at least a little while beforehand. Whether it be an interest in the sport, itself, or a desire to get in better shape, etc. People do "new" things because they have a series of thoughts that leads to them wanting to do said "new thing". I really never seem to have thoughts like that.

 

Anyway, the biggest reason I label myself as a "lost cause", though, is because for the most part, most people simply aren't tolerant of those of us that haven't "learned" how to be social people, at this point. There's a general expectation by people that someone who's age 25 should already have had plenty of friendships, romantic relationships, and life experiences; even though I've been TRYING to "learn" how to do these things, it's extremely difficult to find people that are understanding enough to let it happen with me. I think the natural instinct is to write off people like me, because people are most interested in "instant gratification" than being understanding to someone who is still struggling to develop, socially.

 

I guess that's where your suggestion of support groups comes in. On paper, it seems to make sense. I just... I don't really like the idea of "Hey, we all have this problem, let's bond over it!" kind of thing like that. It's like, I don't want THIS to be the reason I "bond" and "connect" with someone over. Does that make sense?

[Eivuwan]

I guess that's where your suggestion of support groups comes in. On paper, it seems to make sense. I just... I don't really like the idea of "Hey, we all have this problem, let's bond over it!" kind of thing like that. It's like, I don't want THIS to be the reason I "bond" and "connect" with someone over. Does that make sense?

 

That's because you are letting this social issue define who you are as a person and you don't want to face your insecurities head on. You have already identified with this problem and see it as part of who you are. People who go to support groups see their social issues as an obstacle to be conquered. They see the anxiety as a common enemy and not part of who they are. So there is no shame in bonding with someone over a common struggle. Also, just because people have a similar issue doesn't mean that there's all there is to them. They are still individuals with their own interests and personality. You are making going to support groups to be a big deal, when it's just another avenue to meet people and overcome your issues. Would you still feel the same way if you had cancer and you went to a cancer support group? You want to accept being lonely, but you are also ashamed of it. You say that you are stuck in your ways, but at the same time, you have not accepted who you are. In the end, it's up to you to decide what you want to do with your life.

[Inflikted]

Would you still feel the same way if you had cancer and you went to a cancer support group?

 

Most likely. If I had some kind of terminal illness and I knew I wasn't going to make it, I'd most likely just wait to die, only interacting with the few family members I'd have that would care even the least bit. The whole "Let's fight it together!" thing is just a bit... corny, for my tastes, I guess.

 

You want to accept being lonely, but you are also ashamed of it. You say that you are stuck in your ways, but at the same time, you have not accepted who you are.

 

I'm not really sure what this means. How am I not accepting who I am?

 

In the end, it's up to you to decide what you want to do with your life.

 

True. I just wish I wasn't such a bad decision maker, and that I could actually have enough interest in things and general "vibrancy" to do something with my life.

[amaysngrace]

You're ashamed of who you are. You've said it more than once on this thread.

 

How can you expect others to like you if you don't even like you?

 

You don't think your true feelings about yourself don't show to other people? I can almost guarantee you they do.

 

Also you can't genuinely like others if you don't even like yourself. You can't give away what you don't have...Dr Phil says that.

[Eivuwan]

Most likely. If I had some kind of terminal illness and I knew I wasn't going to make it, I'd most likely just wait to die, only interacting with the few family members I'd have that would care even the least bit. The whole "Let's fight it together!" thing is just a bit... corny, for my tastes, I guess.

 

You already assume that cancer = terminal. I was only bringing that example up as a way in which people connect.

 

I'm not really sure what this means. How am I not accepting who I am?

 

You seem ashamed of your current inability to connect with others seeing yourself as not worthy to others. Someone who has accepted themselves wouldn't be thinking of their own worth like that.

 

True. I just wish I wasn't such a bad decision maker, and that I could actually have enough interest in things and general "vibrancy" to do something with my life.

 

You don't need to feel good and positive to do what is necessary in life. Many people push themselves through hardships even if they really feel like giving up at the moment.

 

Responses in bold. Anyway, I am done with this thread unless you actually feel like taking people advice instead of telling us why our suggestions won't work.

[Disillusioned]

This thread sounds to me like it's about some kind of voodoo effect.

 

Apparently if I walk around frowning with tears streaming down my face, I'll be broadcasting negative vibes which everyone else in town will pick up on their ESP.

[Inflikted]

I don't mean to refute things the way I do, I just...

 

*sigh* The thing is, I really hate the way my mind works. It's not like a "normal" person mind. It's more like a computer. I analyze and process things to an extreme degree, I dictate my way of life based on logic (even if said logic only makes sense to me). Even worse than that, I crave order and patterns, again, to an extreme degree.

 

I plan out my days thoroughly. Not actively, mind you, but in the back of my mind. I can tell you exactly what I'll be doing at any given time over the next six days, because my brain is desperate for that order and structure. When my structure gets thrown off, I become upset. Not from anxiety, but more just anger, annoyance, frustration. It pretty much ruins my day if my order gets screwed up.

 

I avoid anything that can mess up my patterns for the day. Here's one example that I'm kicking myself for now; a few hours ago, the guy I talked about here earlier invited me to a bar tonight with him and his girlfriend, and I instinctively turned it down because the short notice interfered with my pattern for today too much. My pattern was already set, I didn't want to deal with recalculating it in such short notice. I typically need a days notice to adjust my patterns accordingly.

 

Going further, due to how strict I am with these patterns, I try to turn everything into an easy, stress free routine that I can become complacent with. One example of this is work. I hate my job, but I've been at the same place for six years now. I've finished my education, and I've half-heartedly been looking for an entry level position to get a career started, but I don't care enough, because as much as I hate my current job, I love it in that it's an easy pattern, I know everyone there, I know how everything works, and it's easy. But I'm also upset, because I've seen so many people come and go, move on to bigger and better things, and I'm still doing the same menial work for not enough money.

 

What I'm getting at is that I apply this line of thinking to everything I can. Let's say I join a social anxiety support group. I'll simply turn it into a routine. Rather than grow and better myself, it'll just become another crutch. Other people will move on from it, new people will join it, and the cycle will repeat itself over and over, and I'll just stay there, because it'll be part of my routine. The same thing would happen for me and therapy, except it would be a one-on-one situation instead of a group thing.

 

In other words, my brain is obsessed with patterns and structure, and creating routines and crutches I can rely on.

 

And all of this is just a tiny example of how ridiculous my brain is. It's crazy, it's probably psychotic, even. It scares me, it frustrates me. I hate it. I wish I could just think and behave like a normal person. I guess it's not wrong to say I'm ashamed of who I am, that I don't want to accept who I am. But how can I not be ashamed of who I am? My mind is ridiculous in all the worst ways.

[Eivuwan]

Now you're making it sound like it's some sort of Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder or Asperger's.

[Inflikted]

I'm not really trying to "make" it sound like anything. :/ I just feel like my brain works in such ridiculous, overly complex ways. Like I said, all of that was just a small example of the way my brain works. It's such a miserable existence. I feel like some kind of machine, more than a person. And that's the brain I'm stuck with, sadly. I just don't see how I can ever really be "happy" with a brain like this, and I certainly don't see how anyone could ever want to connect (or especially "love") a "machine" such as myself.

[Eivuwan]

Stop blaming your brain. The brain is always making new connections and weakening other connections. It stays the same, but is also always changing. Also, like I said, there is treatment for all these problems.

[KaliLove]

It really does sound like you have Aspergers. A behavioral therapist would do wonders.

[Eivuwan]

It really does sound like you have Aspergers. A behavioral therapist would do wonders.

 

Honestly, the OP sounds like he has all sorts of things. It's better to just get some psychological assessment done first. OP, psychological assessment is when they give you a bunch of tests to evaluate your thinking skills, personality traits, and other psychological factors.

[2sunny]

Find an organization that needs help and volunteer.

 

Getting out of yourself is key.

 

You will be accomplishing good things for others while meeting new people.

 

You may meet some other people who need to socialize a bit more too.

 

Even one hour each month is better than none.

[Inflikted]

So, say I do have any of those issues, is there any way I can "treat" them myself? As in, without professional help?

[Eivuwan]

So, say I do have any of those issues, is there any way I can "treat" them myself? As in, without professional help?

 

You can do research and look up self-help books. Generally speaking though, it's pretty hard to do it on your own. I mean we go through 5 or more years of graduate schooling to learn how to treat this stuff.

[Inflikted]

You can do research and look up self-help books. Generally speaking though, it's pretty hard to do it on your own. I mean we go through 5 or more years of graduate schooling to learn how to treat this stuff.

 

Is it really even something that can be "cured", though? I can't even really fathom the idea of being able to completely "fix" my brain and become a "normal" person. I imagine it would take several years to do so, anyway, so even if I could "fix" my mind, by the time I'd do so, I'd probably be too old to really get much out of it, at that point, wouldn't I?

 

Stop blaming your brain. The brain is always making new connections and weakening other connections. It stays the same, but is also always changing.

 

What else can I blame, though? The brain is the "master control", isn't it? Everything I say, everything I do, everything that makes me who I am, it's all because my brain is telling my body to do it, is it not? To be honest, I'm pretty sure my brain has always worked the way it does now; I can't recall a time where I felt like I was "normal", in that regard, so it's not like it's a relatively new development.

 

Not to be overly negative, but I just have an incredibly difficult time believing I can ever change the way my brain works, and become a more "normal" person. My mind is incredibly resistant to treatment, to change, and is very focused on self-preservation of itself.

[Inflikted]

I've been thinking lately, and one thing that really grates on me is how I can't get myself to let go of the people I have cared for in the past. I don't like people in general, so even liking someone on a platonic level is extremely rare.

 

In particular, I've never been able to get over a girl I had feelings for. I first developed feelings for her two years ago, but was rejected, and then there was a bit of drama and things were horrible between us for a year and a half. I haven't even seen in her in six months, and yet I've thought about her every single day since then and for the last two years.

 

To me, she was the best girl for me. The connection we had was exactly what I've always dreamed for in a partner, and I've only ever felt that once, with her. I get that she didn't feel the same and wasn't attracted to me, but just going by the numbers, the chances of me meeting another girl I feel that way about are very slim, and even if I do, she'll most likely reject me as well.

 

People say you have to date others to get over someone, but in my mind, I don't want to date other girls because I'll always be thinking about the girl I did have feelings for, and how no one can compete with her. I don't want to waste my time and the time of random girls by dating people that I already know don't add up to me in my head. My feelings are elsewhere, and to me, it just doesn't make sense to date when I only have eyes for one specific girl.

 

Maybe I could convince myself that I do like some other girl, but I'd probably just be settling, and I don't want to do that, because if I ever realized that's what I was doing, I'd just end up hurting whoever I'd be with.

 

In other words, if I tried to date girls in hopes I might eventually feel something for one, I'd just constantly feel like I'm leading people on, because I have feelings for another.

 

But I don't know how to get rid of these thoughts I have of this one girl. Finding distractions doesn't work. I can't keep myself distracted 100% of the time, and all it takes is a split second for those thoughts to creep into my head.

 

The way I see it, she was the one for me. There's no one better for me. She was it, and now she's gone, living her life and finding her own happiness. And I'm here, completely alienated from the world, constantly thinking about the people I wish I could've had in my life.