Standard-Fare Posted August 4, 2014 Share Posted August 4, 2014 I found out recently (thanks to social media) that an old ex of mine is engaged. And I'm surprised by how much it's affecting me. It's been years and I'm not in love with him or anything like that, but it's bringing up a range of negative emotions. We've kept up a minor friendship, catching up with each other every once in a while. We don't talk much about our love lives, but he's joked about still being the commitment-phobe he was in the past, still botching up romances, and I've even given him some dating tips. It's weird to realize now I was completely in the dark about this major relationship he was building over this time. It was jarring and hurtful to find out about it so impersonally over the Internet. The last time we spoke was about a month and a half ago. He didn't say a thing about this major life change, and in fact we talked about meeting up when he was in my town next. I'm afraid if he gets in touch he'll either want to drop this way-belated bombshell on me, OR he'll continue to avoid the topic entirely. I've realized that I don't care to continue any form of friendship with him when he's an engaged/married man. I'll miss him, but it just doesn't seem right. I'm wondering if I need to communicate with him about this in any way, if the two of us need to ACKNOWLEDGE this engagement. Because right now my plan is to just fade out of contact without any explanation. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted August 4, 2014 Share Posted August 4, 2014 Why so bitter? If you two are just friends you should call him up, tell him you read he's engaged and congratulate him. You should be open to meeting his fiancee. I think that's what most friends would do. Maybe he just got engaged and that's why he hasn't told you yet. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Standard-Fare Posted August 4, 2014 Author Share Posted August 4, 2014 As I said, it's just stirred up some negative feelings. Making me think in new ways about our past relationship and our breakup, even though I worked hard to get over it a while ago. I think I've been cool being friends with him while assuming he was still the same type of guy I dated – not ready for marriage, more casual and noncommittal about dating. The fact that he's developed into husband material is a shocker, and in a weird way, brings up some resentments. Like, "Oh, you were able to pull it together for HER, huh?" Since we've never talked seriously about our love lives, and he's never even mentioned his fiancee, it's impossible for me to imagine how our friendship could fit into his new married life. Even if it's a small part of our lives, it just doesn't seem practical to maintain. I'm single right now, so I know that's just making things seem worse. I recognize that I just need to focus on myself and my future. Ditching this friendship makes it easier. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted August 4, 2014 Share Posted August 4, 2014 I see. It probably is a good idea to let the friendship go because more than likely his fiance wouldn't be comfortable having the ex around. You may be single now but someone great is out there just waiting for you. It is best that the ex is out of the picture for sure now so you can concentrate on meeting that someone great. Good Luck. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted August 4, 2014 Share Posted August 4, 2014 I know it can be a shock. The main thing here is that you have to take the high road and maintain your dignity. If you found out online, then you can also congratulate him online or text or email. Real quick, no other message but "Hey, heard you're engaged and just wanted to say congratulations." Don't make any innuendo about being upset about it or anything. He actually did you a favor keeping you out of the loop on the gory details this whole time! Then don't pursue contact. He may invite you to the wedding or not. You can always decline but send a gift, but better to get a date and go. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Standard-Fare Posted August 4, 2014 Author Share Posted August 4, 2014 It seems disingenuous for me to send him a cheerful congratulations when my end goal is to drop out of his life. I don't want to play two-faced there. Good for him on the engagement, but I'm sure he's got plenty of people congratulating him. He doesn't need insincere words from someone who actually feels weird about it. If he questions or confronts me about our friendship fading out, I wouldn't ice him out entirely. I'd be willing to have a delicate conversation about it. But my guess is that once I stop communicating, he'll just respond in the same way rather than prodding me. He's got other stuff to worry about. Link to post Share on other sites
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