Will she or won't she?

[MGX]

I like my co-worker.

 

We work the same shift at a retail store in South Jersey. I've been there for a year, while she is a newer member of the team. Although we work together, we first "met" when I was backstocking merchandise and she wanted to help out. At first, I declined, but she was insistent and in such a friendly way! So I let her help. Another day, once again I was working in an aisle and she assisted me with out asking. Now, I'm noticing her and I decide to approach her and ask her out.

 

One day at work, she remarked that she was "going through it", so I asked her out to breakfast and gave her a ride home, since it's 3 miles away from my house. At breakfast, she gives me some of her backstory. Her family is poor and as the only breadwinner, she barely gets any sleep with between super long bus rides and expensive fares, work-related stress, financial woes and familial responsibility. I decide to buy some breakfast for her family, just to be nice. My co-worker is so thankful that I think of others and I feel good knowing I helped others. On the ride to her place, I ask her out to dinner and a movie. Initially, she's down with doing it, but later she got sick and cancelled. That sounds suspiciously like she backed out, but she was truly sick.

 

A few days later, she tells me that she is trying to rekindle a long distance relationship with her ex-boyfriend. She knows I like her, but she gives me the option of being a friend or leaving her alone. I care about my co-worker and she's a great person, so I chose having her as a friend, rather than not being friends with her and accepted that we were going to be platonic.

 

Weeks pass. I give my co-worker rides to and from work, treat her to breakfast regularly and her family loves me. Her mother is particularly impressed with my manners and generosity and gives me platters to take home. I meet my co-worker's ex-boyfriend (now current boyfriend). I move on with looking for a girl and I ask out a cashier who works at my job. And she's pretty flirty with me and playing with her hair while talking to me, so I think she's interested. She gives me her number and my co-worker is very supportive. I call the cashier a day later and she never answers back. A few days later at work, I find out that the cashier knew I called, but didn't respond to me. I told her that if she changed her mind, she should have told me so instead of not calling me.

 

A few days later, I attend a party my co-worker and her family invited me to. That night, she tells me that she's no longer with her boyfriend and discovered that he was cheating on her. We have a long conversation that ends with her saying that she'll go out with me whenever I want to hang -- dating, but as friends. She says that she wants to be single for awhile (I guess she's getting over her ex-boyfriend). I told her that I understood and that there would be no pressure. So, we are taking this slow, while she recovers from the previous relationship. Her mother gives me such approval she said that if I were into older women, that SHE would date me. :blush:

 

Since then, we go out regularly now. Since we both work nights, we usually go to breakfast rather than dinner. It's to such an extent, that some people think we are a couple. And while we are out eating and she is sitting across from me, I give my co-worker such nice compliments.

 

I'm very patient, but I'd really love to know what she thinks of me. Could there be an actual relationship between us? I'm considering asking her the next time we go out, but is two weeks after her break-up too soon?

[d0nnivain]

Right now she's rebounding. Be careful.

[preraph]

The smart thing to do would be to get some distance for about six months and then come back strong and clear that you wanted a romantic relationship. As Donnivain said, she's rebounding and I would add OR killing time with friends until she gets past it. If you hang around during this, you may end up friendzoned forever.

[MGX]

Thanks for the advice guys.

 

I can't completely avoid her as we are co-workers and I take her to and from work, but besides that particular interaction, I CAN make myself "less available" for awhile.

[chimpanA-2-chimpanZ]

I was recently in a noticeably-similar-but-not-quite situation so maybe I have some useful insights.

 

You guys need to talk more and make sure you're on the same page, both in terms of your expectations and emotions. How affected was she by her boyfriend's cheating? If she really took it hard, your best move is to detach completely for a bit. Otherwise she may (completely unintentionally!) use you as a distraction or a way of coping. If she's more sanguine then there's no problem with just hanging out or going on dates every now and then.

 

Regardless of how her breakup went down, you need to set some ground rules. She did just end a relationship and she needs time to process that by herself. Make it clear that you can't help her with those feelings; even suggest that you two not talk about it---not because you're a jerk, but because you don't want her feelings about him to become intertwined with her feelings about you. As another poster suggested, don't make yourself completely available. The good news is that based on what you've described, it sounds like she knows that she needs space and wants time for herself. Encourage that.

 

Go as slowly as you can. One date per week is plenty to start. If things start to feel like they're getting out of control you can sit down and talk some more.

[Kamila]

Yes, go as slowly as you can. The more you build the 'friendship' phase, the more you set the basis for a good relationship.

Rushing will only lead to complications.

Patience is key here.

 

Only negative is that you're coworkers. Try to keep it low or it can get nasty if it doesn't work out.

[MGX]

I was recently in a noticeably-similar-but-not-quite situation so maybe I have some useful insights.

 

You guys need to talk more and make sure you're on the same page, both in terms of your expectations and emotions. How affected was she by her boyfriend's cheating? If she really took it hard, your best move is to detach completely for a bit. Otherwise she may (completely unintentionally!) use you as a distraction or a way of coping. If she's more sanguine then there's no problem with just hanging out or going on dates every now and then.

 

Regardless of how her breakup went down, you need to set some ground rules. She did just end a relationship and she needs time to process that by herself. Make it clear that you can't help her with those feelings; even suggest that you two not talk about it---not because you're a jerk, but because you don't want her feelings about him to become intertwined with her feelings about you. As another poster suggested, don't make yourself completely available. The good news is that based on what you've described, it sounds like she knows that she needs space and wants time for herself. Encourage that.

 

Go as slowly as you can. One date per week is plenty to start. If things start to feel like they're getting out of control you can sit down and talk some more.

 

Yes, go as slowly as you can. The more you build the 'friendship' phase, the more you set the basis for a good relationship.

Rushing will only lead to complications.

Patience is key here.

 

Only negative is that you're coworkers. Try to keep it low or it can get nasty if it doesn't work out.

 

Thanks for the extra advice guys!