Why do I choose self-absorbed friends?

[SpiralOut]

There is a pattern to the type of friends I have chosen in the past: they are all insecure in some way, and totally self-absorbed. I won't go into details, but anyone who has read my other threads knows that I tend to pick the wrong ones.

 

I even caught myself doing this last month at a meetup group. There is a woman there who seems more interested in being right about everything than she is in trying to connect with anyone. The way that she talks is quite rude. For some reason I tried to converse with her. Sure enough she acted obnoxious to me. Seriously? What on earth did I even do that for? Why would I pick the rudest person there to talk to??

 

I do know some girls who aren't like that. There seems to be some wall between me befriending them. They seem to like me, I like them, they are good people. Yet something stops me from making the friendships progress.

 

Why is it so easy for me to befriend a self-absorbed person, yet so difficult for me to befriend someone who isn't?

 

I do this with men as well.

[amaysngrace]

I'm not sure but could it be that you really don't want to have to fully commit to a friendship so you choose people who you won't/can't invest too much of yourself into due to their own self-absorption?

 

In other words....are you commitment phobic?

[SpiralOut]

I'm not sure but could it be that you really don't want to have to fully commit to a friendship so you choose people who you won't/can't invest too much of yourself into due to their own self-absorption?

 

In other words....are you commitment phobic?

 

Hmm. Not sure if it's a commitment issue. Maybe. I've spent a couple of years basically isolating myself while I worked on myself because I knew I could not give much to other people. I didn't want to be a bad friend. My emotional energy was very low. My energy is higher now, so I think I can do it, but on some level maybe I worry that I can't.

 

I don't trust people easily either, so I feel more comfortable when people aren't asking too many questions about me. Self-absorbed people feel safe. They don't ask too many questions about me, because they don't care.

 

I also don't care as much if they reject me, since I'll know it's because of the way they are. If a well-adjusted person rejects me it hurts more because I know they've got their head on straight. It feels more personal.

[Ronni_W]

There is a pattern to the type of friends I have chosen in the past: they are all insecure in some way...

 

Why is it so easy for me to befriend a self-absorbed person, yet so difficult for me to befriend someone who isn't?

Perhaps it is that you are extremely compassionate, can see right through their insecurities, and want to "help" them in one or another way? Kind of a 'knight-in-shining-armour' tendency...or a 'healing priestess' drive.

 

The well-adjusted people don't speak to you in the same way...don't pose a similar challenge or opportunity (however you look at, perceive what the insecure ones offer you.)

[amaysngrace]

Hmm. Not sure if it's a commitment issue. Maybe. I've spent a couple of years basically isolating myself while I worked on myself because I knew I could not give much to other people. I didn't want to be a bad friend. My emotional energy was very low. My energy is higher now, so I think I can do it, but on some level maybe I worry that I can't.

 

I don't trust people easily either, so I feel more comfortable when people aren't asking too many questions about me. Self-absorbed people feel safe. They don't ask too many questions about me, because they don't care.

 

I also don't care as much if they reject me, since I'll know it's because of the way they are. If a well-adjusted person rejects me it hurts more because I know they've got their head on straight. It feels more personal.

 

It kind of sounds like it could be an intimacy thing when you keep putting yourself into situations with people who don't care and you don't care too much about either.

 

Also with commitment phobia you do feel safer when you aren't so exposed, like when people ask questions and then you have to show them who you really are.

 

Sometimes it's like you said, you're afraid of being rejected if they knew who you are. So you keep yourself safe by not allowing it to progress to that and choose people who it's impossible to be truly intimate with.

 

There is lots of information on the subject online and there are even tests. I don't know what's worthy of your time or not but it might not be a bad idea to check it out. Even if it's only to rule it out.

[SpiralOut]

Perhaps it is that you are extremely compassionate, can see right through their insecurities, and want to "help" them in one or another way? Kind of a 'knight-in-shining-armour' tendency...or a 'healing priestess' drive.

 

The well-adjusted people don't speak to you in the same way...don't pose a similar challenge or opportunity (however you look at, perceive what the insecure ones offer you.)

 

That might be part of it. I pick up a vibe that tells me they don't mean any harm, and maybe all they need is someone to be nice to them. I think it actually was appreciated by one of my ex-friends. She never learned how to reciprocate, unfortunately. Most of the others, I don't think they really noticed or cared.

 

 

Sometimes it's like you said, you're afraid of being rejected if they knew who you are. So you keep yourself safe by not allowing it to progress to that and choose people who it's impossible to be truly intimate with.

 

There is lots of information on the subject online and there are even tests. I don't know what's worthy of your time or not but it might not be a bad idea to check it out. Even if it's only to rule it out.

 

Thanks. I'll probably look into it.

[preraph]

Is there anyone that you knew growing up who was "always right" and was rude? If so, you may be comfortable with that to a point.

[SpiralOut]

Is there anyone that you knew growing up who was "always right" and was rude? If so, you may be comfortable with that to a point.

 

Yes. I've got tons of mother issues. I've sorted out some of it but I'm not even close to done. She was (and still is) very self-absorbed, to the point that several people on LS have suggested she is a narcissist. She was really mean to me sometimes while raising me, and even now she'll still randomly blurt out rude things at me or about me.

[preraph]

So someone who is a bit like her seems familiar, plus you had to develop skills to deal with that, so you let this person in where someone who wasn't at all used to it probably would have seen early red flags and rejected them.

 

Honestly, I'm narcissistic, a self-made one, not born that way, and a woman I've been friends with for decades puts up with me better than just about anyone else and I only recently found out that after some counseling, she discovered her mother was also narcissistic. So I was familiar enough for her, with my self-absorption and doing things my way, etc. But there's some narcissists who are really, really bad, and that's the ones with lack of empathy kind of across the board. I have selective lack of empathy -- not interested in the general population but very interested in others, and I can have empathy for almost anyone who is in bad circumstances, so I'm not a hard-core natural born narcissist who destroys others' lives to cultivate their own!

 

Just continue to assess that person and if she is bad or just leaves you feeling defeated, you can dump her.

 

PS - you're never done sorting mother issues!!

[carhill]

OP, think of the dynamic as magnetism. Self-absorbed people repel each other and attract empaths and sympaths, not necessarily because those two personality types mesh well but rather because empaths and sympaths are more accommodating of the self-absorbed personality type.

 

You 'choose' such people, IMO, partly because you're accepting of a wide range of people. Myself, I had to learn, both from being married and from psychological therapy, to become more selfish and self-absorbed to repel such personalities. TBH, it works pretty good!

[SpiralOut]

If I am so "accepting of a wide range of people" and "compassionate" then why do I get so angry? Why do I dwell on it and let it get under my skin?

[carhill]

Because you care. Learn to care less and the dwelling and skin invasions will lessen. You can train yourself. It's no different than any other psychological training. A severe example is the training certain people go through to become dispassionate killing machines to serve the purposes of nations. They're programmed, depending on the level of departure from traditional human behaviors and mores which is required for the job. In the same vein, you can train yourself to 'kill' (psychologically, not physically) self-absorbed people. Terminate them from your thoughts and your life. It works! The good news is they don't care! Win-win!

[Beachead]

Hmm. Not sure if it's a commitment issue. Maybe. I've spent a couple of years basically isolating myself while I worked on myself because I knew I could not give much to other people. I didn't want to be a bad friend. My emotional energy was very low. My energy is higher now, so I think I can do it, but on some level maybe I worry that I can't.

 

I don't trust people easily either, so I feel more comfortable when people aren't asking too many questions about me. Self-absorbed people feel safe. They don't ask too many questions about me, because they don't care.

 

I also don't care as much if they reject me, since I'll know it's because of the way they are. If a well-adjusted person rejects me it hurts more because I know they've got their head on straight. It feels more personal.

 

For a moment there, I almost believed I had typed that out because of how much it hit home. I think a lot of this stems from insecurity and low confidence.

 

The source? Not sure but maybe past relationships. Doesn't have to be intimate ones, friendships or familial but could be relationships with teachers, supervisors, classmates, strangers, acquaintances etc. Basically, people you've interacted with in your lifetime and how their behaviour made you feel. Perhaps they made you feel like they were giving up on you, counting you out, putting you down, or rejecting you.

 

This could have lead to some of the stuff above posters had mentioned about commitment issues.

 

Again all speculation and guesses.

 

-Beachead

Edited August 8, 2014 by Beachead

[SpiralOut]

Because you care. Learn to care less and the dwelling and skin invasions will lessen. You can train yourself. It's no different than any other psychological training.

 

How do I train myself to stop caring?

 

For a moment there, I almost believed I had typed that out because of how much it hit home. I think a lot of this stems from insecurity and low confidence.

 

. . .

 

Basically, people you've interacted with in your lifetime and how their behaviour made you feel. Perhaps they made you feel like they were giving up on you, counting you out, putting you down, or rejecting you.

 

I keep editing this to try and say this right. These people get to me because I often walk away feeling as if they hate me. I find it very difficult to not take it personally. And what pisses me off the most is that quite often, they jump to incorrect conclusions about me IN SPITE OF evidence to the contrary that is right in front of their faces. This pisses me off SO MUCH.

 

They go into "I need to feel like I am better than you" mode, and I am left feeling hurt and baffled by it because I was trying to be nice to them!! And they just react to it by talking to me like I'm stupid. They sometimes say things that I consider to be..... not exactly smart but I overlook it and don't make fun of it, but they'll pick apart whatever I say.....

 

I also find they misinterpret what I say. I'll make a totally neutral comment, and they'll think I just insulted them when I didn't. At one meetup, I mentioned how sunny it was. The chick got upset and apologized to every girl for how sunny it was. She then acted hostile towards me for the rest of the lunch. WTF?? I was making small talk!

 

I walk away from something like that questioning myself.... did I say something wrong? No I don't think so, but maybe I did....

Edited August 8, 2014 by SpiralOut

[Sugarkane]

I've been wondering the same thing myself. I think people are very self absorbed in general. People don't seem to go out their way anymore. I've been wondering about this regarding my ex coworkers who ostracized me for no reason and my friend of 10 years who wouldn't listen I had pre and post natal depression and defriended me on Facebook.

[preraph]

People who routinely like to put down others actually have bad self-esteem but they are constantly trying to find ways to prove to themselves that they are better than someone. It only gives them a momentary high, so once you know that, you know they're really not that happy inside. Also they are not good judges of character, obviously, if they're not even nice or ethical or got themselves figured out, so you just have to tell yourself they don't have good sense if they don't appreciate you. Their loss.

[carhill]

How do I train myself to stop caring?

 

 

 

1. Focus more on yourself; your feelings, your needs, your importance in the world. No one will ever care more about you than you so make caring about, and loving, you Job #1

 

2. Process events differently. Events in life are stimulus. Things happen, we sense them, the sensory inputs impel thought and/or emotion, we process and make executive decisions which result in responses. You can train yourself to make different executive decisions.

 

3. It's OK for others to hurt. Let them have their pain. Do you think they care when you're in pain? Perhaps an infinitesimal few, certainly not any whom are self-absorbed, which are the types you're seeking to terminate. Pass right on by. They're one of billions on the planet. Insignificant. Again, more processing.

 

If you get stuck, seek out professional psychological help. My interactions with that help did wonders.

[SpiralOut]

I am getting better at just sort of standing there with a straight face and saying nothing. Sometimes that's enough to make them catch themselves and stop it. Some of them don't give a **** and just say or do whatever they want.

 

I don't feel too annoyed by the people who catch themselves. I get super pissed off at the ones who don't care. Maybe I am sensitive to the idea of someone not giving a **** that they just acted rude to me.

 

It's okay if someone doesn't like me. I get pissed if someone doesn't care about acting like a decent human being, and I get even MORE angry if they don't notice how they are acting.

 

On some level I can relate to them. When I was a teenager, certain people set me off and I would blurt out rude things at them because I felt intimidated by them.

 

Maybe I need to face up to the way I acted in the past. Maybe I am trying to change people because I used to act that way and I don't like being reminded of it. Or something.

Edited August 18, 2014 by SpiralOut

[Ronni_W]

Maybe I need to face up to the way I acted in the past. Maybe I am trying to change people because I used to act that way and I don't like being reminded of it. Or something.

It sounds like you ARE facing up to how you acted in the past.

 

In my case, it was impatience and (misdirected) anger. I do now recognize it in others...and do want to help them because I now know the underlying sadness/pain that caused me to act that way.

 

Is it possible that for you it's more that you want to help them, or make them feel somewhat better, through letting them know that you understand what they're going through...their feelings of being intimidated, or scared in the situation?

[SpiralOut]

I don't know why you're all trying to say that I'm nice. I don't feel like I am.

 

Maybe I used to want to help them. I don't know about now. I mean, I can't do anything.

 

I'll be seeing that rude chick again next month and my plan is to just not talk to her unless she asks me a question. I need to look out for me. Someone else can try to help her.