Wayward Husband now "needs a break"

[HereNorThere]

I actually think the mother thing is a really good idea as well. Someone in an emotional state like this needs support, especially if they have a kid. Plus, it reminds the your cheating H that you do have people in your life that love and care for you.

 

You shouldn't care one single bit about how he feels about anything right now because he certainly didn't care about you. From here on out, this is about you and your child. Do you really want your child to learn that cheating on women is acceptable behavior? Trust me, the kid will find out one day and if you allowed this to continue, you BOTH would be setting a bad example.

[oldshirt]

A couple different things going on here.

 

As a general rule of thumb, separation is a beneficial step towards the divorce and moving on process and often a big step backwards in the reconciliation process. If someone's mind is made up to divorce and move on, separation is a good step towards that end. In separation people begin to start living their own lives and getting adjusted to not being with their spouse.

 

Throw in having free access to an AP and having continued contact and interaction with an AP and it is just the final nails in the coffin.

 

If there is a part of you that wants to make a good faith effort to reconcile, separation will be a detriment to that process even if you can't stand the sight of him at the moment.

 

If you did want to separate as part of the reconciliation process it would need to be with pretty clear cut boundaries and timelines such as a time limit on the separation and absolute zero contact with OW, counseling etc etc. If he breaks those stipulations during the separation then it's pretty much all over anyway.

 

In regards to his wanting a "break," and giving you the ILYBNILWY speech, those are pretty ominous signs unfortunately. A typical cad who's just boffing the Secretary for fun will often drop to his knees begging for forgiveness and vowing his love and pleading for another chance etc. A guy who stays cool and states ILYBNILWY and wants to move out is pretty far gone.

 

I'm not saying it's hopeless but it's a lot worse that some selfish jerk who is just getting a little poontang on the side and has true remorse and is desperate to keep the marriage intact.

 

My recommendation is keep the counseling session and keep your options open untill the counselor is able to peel back some layers and see what is really taking place here and see how you both really feel about this situation.

 

If you toss him out now and really tell him off and let him go to OW, that will probably seal your fate and close the door to a number of options. It will probably let a genie out of the bottle that can't be put back.

 

But if you bide your time for a few days and bite your tongue till it bleeds untill you can get into the counselor and really start to dig through this with professional assistance, you may have a variety of other options that you won't have if people act on impulse and in anger.

 

You will always be able to toss him out and file down the road if you find out things are irreconcilable. But you may not be able to salvage anything if anyone says or does something that can't be reversed in the heat of the moment.

 

In other words it may be very hard to fix this situation or to save this marriage, but it will be very very easy to blow it all up with one wrong move or one misspoken word.

 

I urge caution, restraint and discretion untill you are working with a professional therapist and an attorney.

[2sunny]

After giving him a few days at home and you collecting info you need - I'd have to make that decision for him after a few days passed = and I'd pack him one bag and tell him to get out.

 

Since he can't figure out if he loves you enough - love yourself enough to have him completely uncomfortable and scrambling for a place to live. Uncomfortable? I hope he is uncomfortable with himself - he's been a jerk to you. Now is not the time to play nice - he's about to blow up your world.

 

Keep your Mom around if you can - so that your H can't get too angry with you taking action to preserve yourself.

Edited August 5, 2014 by 2sunny

[drifter777]

When my wife cheated she had a ONS and then met a guy she fell for. When she got home from the trip where she had all this fun she told me I had to leave because her OM was going to move in with her. So to start out I was forced into 180. My reaction to this shock was to swear to myself that I would hate her forever and never have contact with her again. I spoke with her only to arrange the time when I would pick up and drop off our son. I would pick my son up for visits and drop him back without leaving the car. I was determined to get through this horror alive and hating her was a source of strength. Sure enough, my behavior drove her crazy. She was crushed that I wasn't fighting for her or begging her for another chance. She has told me that the way I acted scared the hell out of her and made her see the reality of life without me. After 3 weeks she used my son to lure me into the house and then begged me to come home. The sad ending to this is that I did come home - horrible short-sighted decision. My point is that if you really, really want to at least have the option of taking your cheater back, the 180 does work. You need to be completely committed and focus your intent on divorcing him and starting a new life. If he never wants to try to reconcile then you are already on a good path toward recovery. Be strong - good luck.

[SamSam68]

That was me. I was thinking if they didn't have sex back then perhaps this was his chance to live out his fantasy, but I see that's not the case here afterall. I was thinking once he slept with her and got it out of his system he'd want to slither back home. How long were they together back then? How long has she been married? How many children does she have?

 

 

 

They were together for a while...I"d say 3 years? She was married for a long time, probably like 15 or more. She's been divorced/separated for at least 2 years. I think she has 3 teens.

[SamSam68]

When my wife cheated she had a ONS and then met a guy she fell for. When she got home from the trip where she had all this fun she told me I had to leave because her OM was going to move in with her. So to start out I was forced into 180. My reaction to this shock was to swear to myself that I would hate her forever and never have contact with her again. I spoke with her only to arrange the time when I would pick up and drop off our son. I would pick my son up for visits and drop him back without leaving the car. I was determined to get through this horror alive and hating her was a source of strength. Sure enough, my behavior drove her crazy. She was crushed that I wasn't fighting for her or begging her for another chance. She has told me that the way I acted scared the hell out of her and made her see the reality of life without me. After 3 weeks she used my son to lure me into the house and then begged me to come home. The sad ending to this is that I did come home - horrible short-sighted decision. My point is that if you really, really want to at least have the option of taking your cheater back, the 180 does work. You need to be completely committed and focus your intent on divorcing him and starting a new life. If he never wants to try to reconcile then you are already on a good path toward recovery. Be strong - good luck.

 

 

 

 

 

I am experiencing a very strange psychological state. I WANT him to beg to stay (which obviously he hasn't) but I also want to kick him out. I'm repulsed by him and want him to want me at the same time. A VERY messed up state of mind right now.

[drifter777]

I am experiencing a very strange psychological state. I WANT him to beg to stay (which obviously he hasn't) but I also want to kick him out. I'm repulsed by him and want him to want me at the same time. A VERY messed up state of mind right now.

Grab on to the anger and hold tight! A half-assed 180 just feeds his ego and crushes yours. Like drunk-dialing an Ex, it doesn't help anything and you feel like shi* the next day. If you think you want him to beg you to stay then harden your heart and kick his ass out. Think ahead longer than the pain and confusion you feel right now and start healing. Taking firm action will empower you and you will feel better immediately. Stop "what if" thinking and take control back of your future. I know it's hard but it is the best way through the nightmare.

[No Limit]

Just call it quits already. He's now officially fishing for affair partners; there are more women out there than just OW, you know.

[Mr. Lucky]

Let him go. He doesn't value his life with you, his marriage, or his relationship as a family enough. You deserve someone who will value you, love you, and will not cheat on you.

Even good people do some pretty sh*tty things, no one is perfect. Add in the fog that accompanies an affair, mix well with life and marital boredom and a normally stable spouse can wobble far off axis. And I say this as a former BS.

 

SamSam68, from your description your H isn't a long-term womanizer, liar and cheater but a good guy doing some very bad and stupid things. If I'm wrong, ignore the rest of what I say.

 

Old Shirt's advice makes sense. You have some important decisions to make from what is unfortunately a tough mind set. But if you have an inclination to fight for your marriage, separation is probably the wrong way to go. Move him into the guest room, basement or doghouse but keep him close. Challenge him to participate in the recovery. Tell him you're terribly hurt but willing to at least discuss.

 

You might be one of the lucky few that comes out of the other side intact. I'm pulling for you...

 

Mr. Lucky

[SamSam68]

Grab on to the anger and hold tight! A half-assed 180 just feeds his ego and crushes yours. Like drunk-dialing an Ex, it doesn't help anything and you feel like shi* the next day. If you think you want him to beg you to stay then harden your heart and kick his ass out. Think ahead longer than the pain and confusion you feel right now and start healing. Taking firm action will empower you and you will feel better immediately. Stop "what if" thinking and take control back of your future. I know it's hard but it is the best way through the nightmare.

 

 

 

 

 

Wow, thanks. Brutally honest, but really helpful. I hope my heart can catch up with my mind.

[333unsure]

Get as much money as you can from him. Get it in writing. Get a legal separation agreement pertaining to finances and custody/visitation of your child. And let him go.

 

Maybe he comes back, and maybe you want that. But if not, at least you've protected yourself and your child. That has to be paramount, and you can't trust him. You need to use his guilt, now, while he still has it.

[333unsure]

I am experiencing a very strange psychological state. I WANT him to beg to stay (which obviously he hasn't) but I also want to kick him out. I'm repulsed by him and want him to want me at the same time. A VERY messed up state of mind right now.

 

Be smart. Take care of yourself and your child. Let him go, but get a legal separation agreement that protects you and your child. Keep in mind that any court in the future may use it as a basis for how much he has to pay you in child support and maintenance. You cannot rely on his good nature, affection for his child or years of marriage to you. It is imperative that you rationally sort out your financial and legal situation immediately, and deal with the relationship part of it as things develop. Tell him you understand he needs to figure things out, but you need something solid in place so that you know you and your child will be okay. You are willing to give him some space and time, but only if he will work out something formal that protects you and the child. He feels guilty now. Use it before it's too late and he's in combat mode.

[HereNorThere]

I am experiencing a very strange psychological state. I WANT him to beg to stay (which obviously he hasn't) but I also want to kick him out. I'm repulsed by him and want him to want me at the same time. A VERY messed up state of mind right now.

 

 

THIS is pretty common.

[2sunny]

Last night H told me "he wants a trial separation." He is "confused". Claims he doesn't plan to be with OW. Claims hotel reservation in August wasn't for the OW. Admits to having feelings for OW, but doesn't "understand" them. Says he loves me and loves our son but isn't "in love." Doesn't know if he is "in love" with OW. Says he is thinking of moving to an apartment complex near his office. Wants to get a 2 br for son's visits. Says I can have the house, same $ etc. He must really want out.

 

 

 

See - he's just lying.

 

He wants a separation so he can go bang his OW whenever he wants.

 

He wants your permission - and a separation gives him that.

 

He isn't "confused" at all. He wants to do whatever he wants - he doesn't want you paying attention. Now that you're on to him - you're paying too close attention.

 

He does plan to be with OW - that's what this is all about.

 

We all know the hotel reservation wasn't for you - so sure is likely it is for her.

 

He must "understand" his feelings for his OW "enough" to know he's making her the priority over his wife, marriage and family. Who does he think his lies are kidding?

 

He has a cruel way of showing he loves you and your son - I couldn't live with that brand of love.

 

He's not sure if he's "in love" with her? Who changes everything about their life for lukewarm feelings? He thinks he is in love with her - that's why he's willing to rip your heart to shreds - your son's heart too!

 

He plans to get an apt so he can be with her without you noticing so much.

 

He's offering the house and money... Take it - in fact take much more than that! Leave him with nearly nothing! Have him sign over the house to you and pay it off now.

 

He's got a LOT of blatant lies in one short paragraph.

 

He's not worthy of trusting. Without trust there's no basis for any relationship.

 

Just don't allow him to think you're so foolish that you believe his lies.

Edited August 6, 2014 by 2sunny

[SamSam68]

UGHHHHH. Just Ugh. I'm TOOOOOO old for this SH*T. I read over some of the posts and it seems the younger women tend to reconcile. I am pretty self assured give my RIPE OLD AGE. I guess I tend to think if it is at all broken, run. But, maybe I should be more conservative since we have a son together. I don't know. I don't know. I hate him. I love him as a dad, I vomit at the thought of him with another woman. What to do, what to do, what to do........

[CarrieT]

How old are you, Sam?

 

Many of us went through this in our 30s and 40s...

 

Heck, after a disastrous break-up in my 40s, I met and married just last year - a few months shy of my 50th birthday - and couldn't be happier. Yes, it was a long road to get to here, but you are never too old to find and obtain happiness.

[Hope Shimmers]

UGHHHHH. Just Ugh. I'm TOOOOOO old for this SH*T. I read over some of the posts and it seems the younger women tend to reconcile. I am pretty self assured give my RIPE OLD AGE. I guess I tend to think if it is at all broken, run. But, maybe I should be more conservative since we have a son together. I don't know. I don't know. I hate him. I love him as a dad, I vomit at the thought of him with another woman. What to do, what to do, what to do........

 

Everyone is saying that you need to do X and Y and Z and move your money and hate him and others are saying he's doing This or That with OW, screwing her, planning whatever, and he is feeling this and that.

 

The fact is that NO ONE HERE KNOWS what is going on with your H. Only HE knows, so please take these posts saying "Do THIS and THIS and THIS" and that H is "Doing and feeling and thinking THIS and THIS and THIS" with something of a grain of salt. You are getting opinions from others based on their own experiences, and I don't believe anyone should be telling you what to do or what your H is doing or thinking or feeling.

 

I think you should do nothing for awhile, other than letting him do what he wants. You can't force him to stay if he wants out for now. I don't think it would be in your best interest to force him.

 

I think the 180 may work but it has been ONLY A DAY and you must be crazy confused. Breathe and relax and sit back and do nothing for awhile while you ignore him... then when you are strong enough (from what I have seen of you, that will be very soon) then decide on next actions. There is no reason you should know exactly what to do right now on the exact day that your life has been turned upside down.

Edited August 7, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[HereNorThere]

UGHHHHH. Just Ugh. I'm TOOOOOO old for this SH*T. I read over some of the posts and it seems the younger women tend to reconcile. I am pretty self assured give my RIPE OLD AGE. I guess I tend to think if it is at all broken, run. But, maybe I should be more conservative since we have a son together. I don't know. I don't know. I hate him. I love him as a dad, I vomit at the thought of him with another woman. What to do, what to do, what to do........

 

Part is of this is accepting that he also did this to your child. Children of divorced parents have significantly higher rates of all sorts of things. Trust me, anyone who breaks up their child's happy home for no good reason, is about a good a father as he is a husband.

[beach]

Sam.... most of these posts just make me want to SCREAM. Everyone is saying that you need to do X and Y and Z and move your money and hate him and others are saying he's doing This or That with OW, screwing her, planning whatever, and he is feeling this and that.

 

The fact is that NO ONE HERE KNOWS what is going on with your H. Only HE knows, so please take these posts saying "Do THIS and THIS and THIS" and that H is "Doing and feeling and thinking THIS and THIS and THIS" with something of a grain of salt. You are getting opinions from others based on their own experiences, and I don't believe anyone should be telling you what to do or what your H is doing or thinking or feeling.

 

I think you should do nothing for awhile, other than letting him do what he wants. You can't force him to stay if he wants out for now. I don't think it would be in your best interest to force him.

 

I think the 180 may work but it has been ONLY A DAY and you must be crazy confused. Breathe and relax and sit back and do nothing for awhile while you ignore him... then when you are strong enough (from what I have seen of you, that will be very soon) then decide on next actions. There is no reason you should know exactly what to do right now on the exact day that your life has been turned upside down.

 

Doing nothing at this juncture is just as good as signing up to be his doormat.

 

Do nothing? He's stated clearly he has strong feelings for his OW and he's planning to move.

 

Letting him do what he wants? Grrrr, I think that is what created the issue to begin with. He has been doing what he wants.

 

It's time for Sam to look out for HER best interest at this point. Sitting by idly while he "does what he wants" could bring her a whole host of other problems.

 

Doing nothing is as good as giving her blessing to him cheating.

 

When the person that's supposed to love you more than anyone else in the world kicks you down - you don't stay down and ask for more swift kicks! You get up and stand up for what right. You DO so etching about it. You fight back by protecting your own self!

 

He can plan his cheating all he wants - that's on him and his lack of character - but to ask her to go along with it by doing nothing is just absurd.

 

Sam has been a strong woman so far - don't ask her to play the weak woman role.

Edited August 6, 2014 by beach

[Hope Shimmers]

Doing nothing at this juncture is just as good as signing up to be his doormat.

 

Do nothing? He's stated clearly he has strong feelings for his OW and he's planning to move.

 

Letting him do what he wants? Emma, I think that is what created the issue to begin with. He has been doing what he wants.

 

It's time for Sam to look out for HER best interest at this point. Sitting by idly while he "does what he wants" could bring her a whole host of other problems.

 

Doing nothing is as good as giving her blessing to him cheating.

 

When the person that's supposed to love you more than anyone else in the world kicks you down - you don't stay down and ask for more swift kicks! You get up and stand up for what right. You DO so etching about it. You fight back by protecting your own self!

 

I didn't say to "do nothing". I said that it's the first day that she has found this out and now she has pages of "advice" of people telling her to do this and do that and that her H feels this and feels that and that he has X and Y and Z plans. You don't know this and no one does except him.

 

What I said was that it was okay to take a breather and to be hit with this from day 1 is a lot of opinions and no facts from a bunch of anonymous people on a forum and she needs to step back based on what she knows about HER H and HER marriage and think about everything that has been said. It's been a day.

 

I did not single out your replies to judge. Please don't do that to mine. I have just as much right to give an opinion as you. If you don't like my response then ignore it.

Edited August 6, 2014 by Hope Shimmers

[Red123]

Sam- I agree with many posts on here but it is too soon for you to know exactly what to do. I remember coming on here and hoping that something a poster wrote would hit me and I would have the answer. It doesn't work that way. Lots of great advice from many different perspectives but too soon for you to know for sure what will be right. Rest, get support and follow your gut. That's all the advice I have. I'm in R with my H but I don't think it's right for everyone(even me some days) but leaving isn't right for everyone either. Let this sink in and take of you. All I can say is trust your gut when you have had time to absorb this mess. I wish you the best.

[Red123]

I didn't say to "do nothing". I said that it's the first day that she has found this out and now she has pages of "advice" of people telling her to do this and do that and that her H feels this and feels that and that he has X and Y and Z plans. You don't know this and no one does except him.

 

What I said was that it was okay to take a breather and to be hit with this from day 1 is a lot of opinions and no facts from a bunch of anonymous people on a forum and she needs to step back based on what she knows about HER H and HER marriage and think about everything that has been said. It's been a day.

 

I did not single out your replies to judge. Please don't do that to mine. I have just as much right to give an opinion as you. If you don't like my response then ignore it.

 

I agree. It is way too soon. If I came here day one I would have been so overwhelmed. I was overwhelmed when I did come and it was like 3 or months after Dday. I began seeing things in my situation that weren't there because of taking every opinion to heart. I learned to take what I need and leave the rest.

[Hope Shimmers]

Sam, I don't know if this will help or not but I'll share it in case it helps at some point.

 

I am an ex-OW. OM was separated when I first started dating him but a few years in, he felt like he needed to go back to his W for a lot of logistical reasons. I was with him after that time because I couldn't walk away so I am the OW (ex-OW). We were together for years and we had actually rented an apartment with plans to move in together.

 

Ex-MM and I had an emotional connection. I thought it was special, like no other (he did too). After a couple of years in our relationship he even voluntarily told his W that he was in love with me, although they were legally separated (I don't know what he was expecting to have happen). She was devastated, and I don't think he expected that, and it caused him to do an about-face. He didn't realize how much that would hurt her (dumb, but he didn't).

 

That woke him up. That really was the beginning of the end for him and me. In the end, he went back to her and told me that she was his past and present and future and he loved her for all the history and family they had together. I could never compete with that - being "in love" fades after a few months or years and after that, I had nothing on this woman. She had his history, children, family, and everything. He did the right thing by going back to her.

 

In all honesty, he still tries to contact me to be friends. I think it was hard for him to give me up, but it would have been harder for him to give her up. I think that ultimately your H will come to the same conclusion - they usually do. At that point it will be about whether or not you are still interested in entertaining the thought of continuing to be with him.

 

No one is perfect Sam. What he did was horrible but he may very well wake up and see that what he has is the best and that the grass really isn't greener. That won't happen overnight. And it's not perfect that in a long-term marriage, sometimes emotions for other people come up and people make horrible decisions that they regret later, after they can use their brain rather than their emotions to evaluate it all.

 

It would be great if we could all get married and stay married for 50+ years without this kind of stuff happening but that isn't reality... he may have to learn what is important to him. You can either choose to be there if/when he does, or not. I predict that ultimately he will choose you, or be sorry if he didn't.

 

Just food for thought. Thinking of you.

[whichwayisup]

Wow, thanks. Brutally honest, but really helpful. I hope my heart can catch up with my mind.

 

You need to go through all the stages of grief. Eventually when you get to the real anger, your heart WILL catch up to your brain.

 

Try to find positives in your life - Focus on them. Allow yourself 'down time' and to be sad but each day please spend time with good friends and family, those who love and care about you, those who make you feel great and smile.

 

Your H is a fool. His loss, not yours...Though right now it probably doesn't feel that way.

[Hope Shimmers]

Your H is a fool. His loss, not yours...Though right now it probably doesn't feel that way.

 

This.

 

And he will realize it too. I would bet my VA pension on it. Hang in there Sam.