tnimbus Posted August 7, 2014 Share Posted August 7, 2014 I'm so sorry for what is happening to you Samsam. I took a few moments..45 actually...and read through your posts. You seem like a very wonderful person who has excellent intuition. Listen to it. As much as I loathe saying it, I agree with other posters that the A is much more then your H has made it out to be. Do the 180 and get your ducks in a row, if nothing else, it will give you some time to come to grips with your feelings and decide what you want for your future. Firm decisions can be hard, but once you make them, even if they hurt badly, you can start to move on. Thinking of you today. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
drifter777 Posted August 7, 2014 Share Posted August 7, 2014 I am going on vacation for a few days with son without H. I have been reading all of your replies, thank you. At this point, my feeling is that my marriage is ending. Because it is ending, I don't think it is necessary to torture myself with the details that will likely come out of spying. I believe in my heart and my head that his affair is more than emotional. I have told him this is my belief. At his point he isn't begging to fix our marriage. I am starting to shop for lawyers. It is quite overwhelming. sidenote: I live in a no fault state. I "Liked" your post - not because I'm happy your life has gotten to this point but because you seem to have your energy focused in a healthier direction. Having the strength to hold to your convictions and following through with action is something that will enhance your self-esteem and be a major factor in your recovery. Again, I wish you strength and all the best. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author SamSam68 Posted August 7, 2014 Author Share Posted August 7, 2014 I "Liked" your post - not because I'm happy your life has gotten to this point but because you seem to have your energy focused in a healthier direction. Having the strength to hold to your convictions and following through with action is something that will enhance your self-esteem and be a major factor in your recovery. Again, I wish you strength and all the best. Funny, I actually have no energy at all. I read on here and I'm curious and envious about those BS's who can get beyond *sorry for the imagery* the thought of their spouse "doing it" with the "other." I don't think I can get beyond it...it makes me wonder if I loved him enough. And it makes me wonder why I don't want to stay "for my son." I haven't made a finite decision, but I can not image ever letting him back into my heart or my bed. Link to post Share on other sites
drifter777 Posted August 7, 2014 Share Posted August 7, 2014 Funny, I actually have no energy at all. I read on here and I'm curious and envious about those BS's who can get beyond *sorry for the imagery* the thought of their spouse "doing it" with the "other." I don't think I can get beyond it...it makes me wonder if I loved him enough. And it makes me wonder why I don't want to stay "for my son." I haven't made a finite decision, but I can not image ever letting him back into my heart or my bed. I would just ask you to consider not projecting what you are feeling now into the future. How you feel right now will change. Its not going to feel better just because some time passes, but you will feel different and able to think more clearly once the stunned shock and confusion lift a bit. The road to recovery is long whether you divorce him or not. The more you take control of that recovery and do what's best for you and your child the better you will feel. Never count on that old "time heals all wounds" thing because it simply is not true. It's what you do with that time that matters. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted August 7, 2014 Share Posted August 7, 2014 I am going on vacation for a few days with son without H. I have been reading all of your replies, thank you. At this point, my feeling is that my marriage is ending. Because it is ending, I don't think it is necessary to torture myself with the details that will likely come out of spying. I believe in my heart and my head that his affair is more than emotional. I have told him this is my belief. At his point he isn't begging to fix our marriage. I am starting to shop for lawyers. It is quite overwhelming. sidenote: I live in a no fault state. I hope you enjoy your time away! Link to post Share on other sites
woinlove Posted August 7, 2014 Share Posted August 7, 2014 Funny, I actually have no energy at all. I read on here and I'm curious and envious about those BS's who can get beyond *sorry for the imagery* the thought of their spouse "doing it" with the "other." I don't think I can get beyond it...it makes me wonder if I loved him enough. And it makes me wonder why I don't want to stay "for my son." I haven't made a finite decision, but I can not image ever letting him back into my heart or my bed. Living with a deceptive, disloyal spouse is not good for children so unless your H really changed, you would not be doing what is best for your son to stay on his account. I'm not sure how many BS decide to stay while having a spouse like yours who continues to lie and minimize. If your H starts to show that he is changing and interested in a honest and faithful marriage, then your feelings may change. So don't second guess how you feel. Given the hand you are being dealt right now, all your feelings are understandable and do not at all show you lacking in love. The person who comes through in your posts is very impressive. You deserve to have a lot of faith in yourself. It's your H who should be agonizing over his feelings and wondering what the f*k he is doing and whether he knows what love is, what loyalty is, what respect is, and why he is behaving the way he is as a father as well. But that is his burden to carry. He'll have to figure all that out if he is interested. Meanwhile, your focus needs to be on you and your son, leaning on others who love you, and in that, you seem to be doing remarkably well under the circumstances. Your son is lucky to have a mother like you and because of that, he'll come out fine even though his father has detonated an emotional bomb in his home. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
gettingstronger Posted August 7, 2014 Share Posted August 7, 2014 I don't think I can get beyond it...it makes me wonder if I loved him enough. And it makes me wonder why I don't want to stay "for my son." I haven't made a finite decision, but I can not image ever letting him back into my heart or my bed. This is not about if "you loved him enough" or why you won't "sacrifice" yourself for your child- please do not think that not considering reconciliation means anything other than in your heart and mind right now you do not feel like that is what is best- what we choose and why is as varied as we are-we are united in pain and betrayal but beyond that, what is right for one is not right for all-nor is there a right and wrong way to deal- I look at it as what is healthy for the individual rather than what is right or wrong- Best of luck on your journey and remember-its about you and your family and how you can best deal with what has happened- Peace, strength and healing to you and yours- Link to post Share on other sites
Bootsie Posted August 8, 2014 Share Posted August 8, 2014 I think the most typical situation we tend to see here after D-day, is where the WS is begging the BS to give him a second chance and to reconcile. Unfortunately this doesn't always mean that all contact with the AP is immediately cut off or that trickle truth doesn't occur. In this situation I tend to agree with those that say if the BS initially wants to reconcile too, or is unsure then it might be best to at least start the reconciliation process including the insistence that the A is brought to an end and NC with the AP is agreed to. Later down the track the extent of "trickle truth" can be gauged (maybe) and the effectiveness of NC. However there are also many cases where the WS seems to see D-day as an opportunity to leave the marriage and to test the waters of trying to make things work with the AP. This is what appears to have happened in SamSam's situation. This isn't what happened after my own D-day but I imagine the devastation of being literally abandoned after D-day is almost unendurable, especially when added to the devastation of D-day itself. However the BS has little choice but to let the WS go, although again I imagine many might beg and plead for the WS to stay. To be honest I don't know how successful this is, as it wasn't something that happened in my case. Sometimes these WSs still want to return to the BS after a period of time, and the BS is usually in a better position to decide if that's what they want. I believe the 180 is likely to be most use in this second scenario. In the first scenario I think the 180 may not be so much use because, hard and unfair as it is, the BS has in some way agreed at least initially to attempt a reconciliation, and in my opinion the 180 is not really conducive to re-establishing a good marriage. If however the BS does not want to reconcile, the 180 comes into it's own even if the WS has not yet left the marital home. In any case there is really no necessity for the BS to make long term decisions about the future of the marriage in the aftermath of D-day. For most BSs the aftermath of D-day is a time of great turmoil and not a good time to make good decisions. I am many years past d-day, and have successfully reconciled my marriage. I will never forgot those many months after D-day though, as they are the worst in my life. I am also a CPA and an attorney, (not family law thankfully as it would be too painful), and think it is always a good idea for a BS to at least get some initial legal advice about their options. Any spouse, including those in good marriages should also always have access to documents and be fully aware of their finances, property ownership, superannuation, tax situation etc. Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted August 8, 2014 Share Posted August 8, 2014 I understand your disinterest in getting further details at the moment. I would just encourage you to bear in mind what drifter mentioned, that your opinion on things will likely change over time. Many people describe a "rollercoaster" of emotions. Many people go from hating their spouse to wanting to have wild sex with them within the same day. Many people waffle back and forth on reconciliation for quite a long time, particularly if their wayward spouse appears remorseful (and from what I've seen over the years, that day is likely to come at some point). Just bear in mind that there may come a time when you may be interested in having more facts (especially when you want to determine if he's still lying). You may not want to listen to those VAR recordings today but I hope you save them because changing your mind kinda comes with the territory. Otherwise, I'd also echo what others have said about you seeming to be doing well. I'm sure you feel like a wreck but put some faith in the voices of experience here; you're doing ok even if your emotions may be exhausting. Keep your chin up. Better days are ahead. Link to post Share on other sites
merrmeade Posted August 8, 2014 Share Posted August 8, 2014 Dear, dear SamSam. I am glad for us and relieved for you that you came here when you did. You got good advice and, whether for that or your own character, you are taking action. Thank god. Especially since he's being ambivalent, you must. I think you have garnered respect and touched many hearts here. I know I feel moved and respectful of your decisions and actions. This has moved quickly, and in spite of paralyzing numbness you know you must act for the sake of your son. I hope you will consider what Drifter and BetrayedH have said that there will be many changes and you should preserve options for that possibility. Counseling will help with that and with the pain. Godspeed. Link to post Share on other sites
tnimbus Posted August 9, 2014 Share Posted August 9, 2014 Thinking of you Samsam. You're a loving and lovely person, it comes through in your posts. You'll get through this. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SamSam68 Posted August 9, 2014 Author Share Posted August 9, 2014 Thank you all for support and advice. Sorry I haven't been updating. Will do so on Monday when I return. Link to post Share on other sites
Hope Shimmers Posted August 10, 2014 Share Posted August 10, 2014 Thank you all for support and advice. Sorry I haven't been updating. Will do so on Monday when I return. Wish you only the best. I hope you can just take a mental break from this for now and just enjoy your son. Take care - Link to post Share on other sites
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