My fiance has died

[Angel]

Please help me. My fiance died yesterday morning of a brain tumour and I am having trouble coping. I know its early days but I am already sucidal. I don't know how to get by or anything. If anyone can help me, please do!

 

I need it at the moment.

[Adam]

Look sweetie. It was meant to be. I know that he was your world but remember, God takes all the good ones first and leaves the b*stards till last.

 

You need to grieve properly, it probably hasn't even sunk in yet. Are your family helping you. You need love and support around you at the moment. Don't let yourself sink so low that you wish you could move heaven and earth to be with him.

 

You will never forget him, trust me, my wife died two weeks after we married and the paion never gets any easier, you just learn how to cope better. Trust me, Angel. You have love around you. Please use it.

[Tony T]

If you are actually feeling genuinely suicidal, you need to get professional counselling and other help THIS MINUTE. Turn off your computer and call a psychologist, counsellor, a member of the clergy. You should be surrounded by loving friends and you should stay surrounded until these feelings subside. If you are not near friends, call them and have them send you an plain ticket. Call your workplace and explain.

 

When I was very young I began taking pictures for a local newspaper. All of the people there were ten to fifty years older than me. Over time, they all became like members of my family. Most of them have died or left for other towns and each time has been tough. But I have learned that death is no less of an important part of life than birth. It is a fact. It is essential. The promise of death is what propels us to enjoy the sweet nector of life.

 

I find no other words more comforting than those of Kahlil Gibran in his book, "The Prophet", which millions of people have read since it was published in 1923:

 

"The owl whose night-bound eyes are blind unto the day cannot unveil the mystery of light.

 

"If you would indeed behold the spirit of death, open your heart wide unto the body of life.

 

"For life and death are one, even as the river and the sea are one.

 

"Only when you drink from the river of silence shall you indeed sing.

 

"And when you have reached the mountain top, then you shall begin to climb.

 

"And when the earth shall claim your limbs, then shall you truly dance." End of quote.

 

This is a time to celebrate the life of your fiance and rejoice in the time he spent with you on this planet. There is no way any person can comprehend your pain and it will be there for a time. But it does get better.

 

Certain things that happen to us here on earth are virtually inexplicable. It seems as though life is unfair. That anyone or anything would take away someone we love so much is beyond our minds to comprehend.

 

My own mother died when I was 13 and I still live with that pain to this very day, even though it has eased.

 

Some vacuums are not meant to be filled and we must accept that and move on. That's what my mother would have wanted me to understand and that's what your fiance would have wanted you to understand and to do.

 

Thinking of suicide is to curse the meaning of his life and his death, to dishonor his memory, and to negate all you had with him. Get help for this now. Only then will you live to understand the entire meaning of this event and gain a better knowledge about how life moves in directions that make no sense at the time but which meaning only reveals itself with the passing of days.

[disneyprincess]

My prayers and thoughts are with you. There is nothing else anyone can really do but pray for you during this difficult time. Just remember that you are still alive because there ae other things that you are meant to do and other people's lives in the world left for you to touch. Know that all our hearts are with you.

[girl's view]

hi angel,

 

i'm so sorry to hear what has happened. my heart goes out to you. one of my closest friends lost her partner last year and she was 6 months pregnant at the time. i really can imagine what you are going through as i have witnessed it first hand. please try and remember - you are not alone, even though you feel as though you are.

 

the pain from losing a loved one, can take over your life and become the centerpiece pushing everything else to the side or to the back. the pain can be overpowering, all consuming and incapacitating. Such is the power of grief. it is agonising. it is transient. It is COMPLETELY NORMAL. everyone's grief is unique and everyone's grief is the same.

 

grief is painful and at times the pain seems unbearable. it is a combination of many emotions that come and go, sometimes without warning. there is no such thing as normal grief.

 

one thing is certain though: grief does not follow a timetable, but it does ease over time. while recovery from loss does take some time, it need not take as much time as you have been led to believe. recovery is totally individual, there is no absolute time frame.

 

there is no way around grief. you must go through it in order to come out of it. allow yourself the time to cry or to be angry. many people find these feelings appear while going through their daily routines such as grocery shopping or driving to work. know that these experiences, though very hard, are normal.

 

but that life is too precious to let this make your life become a tragedy. honestly - your fiance would have wanted nothing more than for you to carry his memory through your life. through death, we have to face what has happened and find a way to bless our future by remembering the blessings we had because of what we shared with those we lost. and all the good things past become better things future because we have learned to cherish them and grow from them and pass them on to all who affect our lives. as long as we can hold the promise that they are not lost from us forever, not gone from us completely, we can learn to live with peace in our hearts knowing they are watching over us always. we can't touch them or see them, but we can always feel them in our hearts and our spirit.

 

the fact that you are feeling suicidal and in great distress indicates that you really need to speak to a professional ASAP. individual or group therapy from a counsellor who specialises in grief can do you a world of good. you can ask your doctor for a referral. please do not hesitate to seek professional help. grief counsellors are trained to assist you in working through these tasks and other issues you may be facing. it is okay to ask for one session with a therapist to see if you both will be able to work together. when my friend felt as though she couldn't cope with life in general anymore, she booked an appointment with a grief counsellor. she goes once a week and is making such wonderful progress. she was in a terrible depression when her partner died, but she is proof that counsellors can be of great assistance.

 

some hospital units provide a follow-up program. these programs are designed to help those who are grieiving through the immediate crisis of the death of their loved one and to offer ongoing support.

 

your loved one had a special place in your heart and in your family. they can never be replaced. but bereaved people can eventually adjust to the absence of a loved one. this process might involve finding new ways of interacting with your surviving family members and friends.

 

many bereaved people, in time, can remember their loved one and smile. sometimes there is still sadness, though it does not come as often and is not as draining. over time and through these "tasks", you will begin to remember your loved one without experiencing the unbearable pain. it will be a different kind of sadness.

 

my thoughts are with you.

 

*warmest hugs*

 

p.s. a good book to read is "beyond grief: a guide for recovering from the death of a loved one" (Staudacher, Carol Paperback ISBN: 0934986436)