Open Letter as someone who has cheated

[FireFire]

I just wanted to put this out there somewhere so people who may be considering cheating my reconsider. I know I can never go back on what I did, but maybe someone else can. This is something I need to do for myself to relieve some of my nagging guilt. If this isn't appropriate please feel free to remove my post. Feel free to share this if you feel the need... Also feel free to comment on what I've said and done. I'm sure I've heard worse thing said about me than you can think of ;]

 

Open Letter to Anyone Who Has or is Considering Cheating

 

I was unfaithful to my girlfriend of 3 years. Not just once. It was a pseudo relationship outside my true relationship. There is not a day that passes, even a year later, which I don’t live in a constant state of guilt. I can easily say that no matter what the circumstances, cheating is not the answer, nor will it ever be the answer. Obviously the question I heard from my ex-girlfriend, my friends, and my current girlfriend: Why did you do it?

 

I’m not here to make excuses, and no one who has ever cheated should make an excuse. It can’t be blamed on your significant other even if they were making your life a living Hell. You made a conscious decision to actively betray the trust, loyalty, love, compassion, and memory you have every made with you partner. No excuses.

 

At the time, I had no idea why I did it. I’m not sure I really know why I did it now. Before I tell you about all of this, everyone needs to know exactly what I did.

 

The three years of my relationship had been as much, if not more long distance, than traditional. We met my first year of college after I transferred new schools and lived nearly 12 hours from each other. My faith was never an issue. It was strong through the school vacations, the parties, and even the 6 months she spent studying abroad. Despite this distance, I never faltered. I loved her more than I thought it was possible to love. I grew to know her quirks and personality and celebrated them. Sure, we had our differences, but it allowed us to grow and appreciate a broader worldview.

 

As our last year of college came, we began planning for a future; a future together. We picked out graduate schools that had programs we were both interested in and applied together. The world was ours and nothing could stand in our way. Eventually, reality sets in. She gets accepted to schools. I’m still waiting for my responses. She has to make decisions. I’m still waiting for responses. I support her and tell her to accept a program before I’ve heard back, but tell her I won’t be going with her if I get accepted somewhere else.

 

Alas, I wasn’t accepted to that school.

 

Turns out, she ends up not going anyways. I get an internship out of state, and she moves back home. The stress of reality is setting in hard on me. If I don’t get a job in her hometown our relationship is over.. This is the only girl I’ve ever loved. There are a lot of other factors that were going on here, but like I said earlier I’m not making excuses and not placing blame: my actions were my own.

 

I was at my lowest of lows after having no luck in the job search and not knowing what my future held or if my girlfriend would even be in it. I went out with some coworkers for some liquid medication. After a night on the town, and a fair amount of drinking, I was hanging out at my co-workers home with her and her roommates. As everyone slowly wandered off to go home or bed, one of the last girls there looked me in the eyes and said she wanted to kiss me. The girl I was unfaithful with knew I had a girlfriend; she knew I was having troubles with my relationship. Temptation is a dangerous thing my friends.

 

I of course knew I had a girlfriend, and that I couldn’t. She repeated her desire again and again. I felt a glimmer of life in my dead insides. I felt alive. Before I knew what was happening I kissed her. I didn’t feel the guilt initially. I was too busy focusing on feeling alive for the first time in months. The relationship continued sexually and I felt more alive than I had in ages. I should have just ended everything. For some reason after the first contact I knew I was ruined, so why not continue. It was a charade of happiness.

 

The nights came and went. I still loved my girlfriend. I should have broken up with her. But I loved her so much. I wanted it to work. I also couldn’t give up the feeling of being alive again. I was trapped. Sinking further beneath the proverbial water and slowly drowning. This continued throughout my internship. I couldn’t be the same person with my girlfriend anymore. The guilt was overwhelming. Shortly after out 3rd anniversary, we broke up.

 

I was devastated. I have never been more upset in my life, death of family included. I never told her about my experiences, but she found out. I regret this almost as much as the initial. I wanted it to work out. I knew she would never forgive me if I told her.

 

Trapped. Sinking further.

 

She lit into me as she should have. She hates. She will always hate me. The pain that brings me is unbearable. Knowing the pain I caused her and her ability to trust literally kills me every day.

 

I will never be able to love as fully as I did. There will always be a barrier of guilt, anguish, remorse and self-hate that will course through my body keeping me from ever feeling like I did before cheating.

 

She will probably never be able to love as fully again: always having an inkling feeling of distrust because of me.

 

There is something about knowing you hurt someone so deeply that will never leave you.

 

When people say, once a cheater, always a cheater, or cheaters never change. I can tell you this. Even animals know when something causes them pain to avoid it. A mouse who is shocked for going the wrong way in a maze will avoid that tunnel the next time. A dog who is scolded for chewing the sofa will not do it again for fear of repercussions. Why can’t a human feel immense pain and know the pain of others and learn that’s what cheating does.

 

I never would want to intensify this pain I still feel, stronger than ever over a year later. I can tell the world this. That is not me. I will never cheat again. I beg anyone to reconsider if they are considering cheating. Nothing is worth it. Communicate with your partner. Find the underlying issue for cheating. Cheating is the symptom of something far more wrong in your relationship. Look past the bad, and realize the good. There is always good. Once you cheat, you will never have the good again.

 

Cheating is not worth it friends. You will drown.

[HereNorThere]

You're almost there, but it seems like you are still lacking in some parts of your introspection. I keep seeing you list different outside influences: alcohol, temptation, relationship problems, etc. and you seem to have disconnected yourself from your actions (this is not me).

 

Look, it is you. You didn't magically change overnight, that's not how human behavior works. Sure, coming up with some rationalizations will help you relieve some of your guilt, but it does nothing to help with your character. If you truly do not want to hurt someone again, I suggest getting into extensive counseling for a couple of years before you date again.

 

It does sound like you are almost there, so keep working. I wish you the best of luck in your journey.

[FireFire]

Thanks for your insight, I appreciate it. Definitely things I need to think about! This is the first time I've tried to express myself, so i really do appreciate what you have to say

Edited August 5, 2014 by FireFire