tiki Posted February 25, 2005 Share Posted February 25, 2005 Congrats if you've made it thus far!! [setting] You're over your MM, you've moved on with your life. You're in a new, meaningful relationship. [Question] Do you find yourself hung up on being able to spot an affair from a mile away? Does it make you cynical toward life and relationships? How do you get past that? Link to post Share on other sites
Shiraz Posted February 25, 2005 Share Posted February 25, 2005 [ [Question] Do you find yourself hung up on being able to spot an affair from a mile away? Does it make you cynical toward life and relationships? How do you get past that? I'm still with my MM. One thing that scares me, is when it's over with him, will I ever trust again. My guess is "No". When I see how easy it is for guy to lie to his wife for 4 years and feel no guilt. I presume many men are like this. I have also had men contact me, and it's incredible. They are all married, looking for some one on the side. Can I ever trust a man.... "No", I'm ruined! Link to post Share on other sites
Barby Posted February 25, 2005 Share Posted February 25, 2005 Since this isn't in the "ow/om" forum I think it's okay for me to post here... Anyway coming from an ex (twice) "ow" where the relationship was based solely on sex and "friendship" (basically no false expectations of him leaving his wife)...even though it was a loooooooooooooooooong time ago......in my experience no it hasn't made it hard to trust men. In a way it's easier to spot when a potential partner or your s/o is showing cheating tendencies......I mean having been involved in two diff affairs, you kind of learn the tricks of the trade....so you have a better idea of what to look out for. Do you find yourself hung up on being able to spot an affair from a mile away? Does it make you cynical toward life and relationships? I don't know about "spotting affairs" from other people but it makes lies and "excuses" and unexplained time away/unpaid overtime, ect, ect easier to pin point, ect. It made me cynical towards affairs, I now think they are wrong and feel bad for the pain I could have (maybe did) cause.....I now feel that a woman involved with a MM should honestly step back and realize that her needs are important but the potential destruction of so many lives that she's helping to create probably isn't worth the few hours her and "MM" steal together! Will I ever get over that? Probably not....I've reached a point in my life where I strongly believe that honesty should be the ONLY policy..if a man falls in love with someone other than his wife....he should respect BOTH women enough to be honest about it. So IMHO affairs are wrong and my partaking in two helped me to see this...therefor this isn't something I "want to get over" Link to post Share on other sites
Author tiki Posted February 25, 2005 Author Share Posted February 25, 2005 Okay, thanks you guys. I'm glad you answered Barby, because I was really curious to see what your take was, especially since you've experienced it twice. I find myself cynical toward relationships now, and so does my husband. Link to post Share on other sites
Barby Posted February 25, 2005 Share Posted February 25, 2005 I find myself cynical toward relationships now, and so does my husband. Even towards each other...or do you mean in general? Were you an ex "ow" or...? Does this cause trust issues between the two of you? I mean my last serious relationship (Oscar) didn't know I had been an "ow" he would have had major issues about my "charcter" if he had....even though he'd had a year and a half long affair with his boss's wife...(who was like 20 years older than him). Link to post Share on other sites
Shiraz Posted February 25, 2005 Share Posted February 25, 2005 Originally posted by Barby Even towards each other...or do you mean in general? Were you an ex "ow" or...? I hope you guys don't mind if I chat here with you. I would think if you were in a relationship with some one who had an affair before, whether it was with you or some one else, you would always have suspicion in your mind? Don't you think? Link to post Share on other sites
Author tiki Posted February 25, 2005 Author Share Posted February 25, 2005 Yes. I was with a MM for four years. My husband says it makes me synical towards relationships now, because of that. Link to post Share on other sites
Barby Posted February 25, 2005 Share Posted February 25, 2005 I would think if you were in a relationship with some one who had an affair before, whether it was with you or some one else, you would always have suspicion in your mind? Don't you think? Depends on how long ago, the situation, ect, ect. I was with a MM for four years. My husband says it makes me synical towards relationships now, because of that. Wow that was a long time! I could see how in a way it could make one cynical...make one doubt the sincerity of any man/woman they may have future contact with. Link to post Share on other sites
Shiraz Posted February 25, 2005 Share Posted February 25, 2005 Originally posted by Barby Depends on how long ago, the situation, ect, ect. THis summer is 4 years for my MM and myself to. Can't say it's been easy. THe only time we have any problems, is when we can't have time together. Other than that, the two of us are like soul mates. I think that's why it's so hard to let go. Link to post Share on other sites
Author tiki Posted February 25, 2005 Author Share Posted February 25, 2005 I don't really talk a whole lot about it. Weird situation I guess. And don't want any hate mail....lol. But I stopped when I started getting serious about my husband (late 2003). He says I think all men are cheaters...lol...and that they all want younger women. (My MM was much older than me). I think it has made me cynical. I feel like I can spot an affair from a mile away (with other people). Man. Link to post Share on other sites
Barby Posted February 25, 2005 Share Posted February 25, 2005 I don't really talk a whole lot about it. Weird situation I guess. And don't want any hate mail....lol. No "hate" mail from me! Hahaha! I understand not wanting to talk much about it...and I also understand how it could taint your view of men... THe only time we have any problems, is when we can't have time together. Other than that, the two of us are like soul mates. I think that's why it's so hard to let go. Okay so let me pose you a question...(I don't know your situation)....if you BOTH feel you are "soul mates" why won't he leave his wife so he can be with his "soul mate" all the time, no secrecy, no lies, and no more causing his "soul mate" pain?!? I think people use this term so loosely that in all honesty, it loses it's "value". Link to post Share on other sites
Shiraz Posted February 25, 2005 Share Posted February 25, 2005 Originally posted by Barby No "hate" mail from me! Hahaha! I understand not wanting to talk much about it...and I also understand how it could taint your view of men... He loves his kids, doesn't want to hurt them. Feels he made a committment to his wife, a promise (i have a problem with that one) and his huge mortgage. I guess all of that goes through his head. Link to post Share on other sites
Barby Posted February 25, 2005 Share Posted February 25, 2005 Originally posted by Shiraz He loves his kids, doesn't want to hurt them. Feels he made a committment to his wife, a promise (i have a problem with that one) and his huge mortgage. I guess all of that goes through his head. Hmm! Made a promise to his wife...so he won't leave...yet he'll go behind her back countless times and sleep with someone else? Hmm he's got a lot of integrity huh? Sorry that one just cracks me up, you hear it on here so many times that it's something "they" all say! The kids....well once they find out (which probably will happen in the future..kids wise up and see things adults don't think they see or realize)...they will probably resent him more for being a lying coward and stringing their mother along, trampling their marriage vowels, disrespecting them by creating a false illusion of a "happy home" -vs- if he was to profess his "true" love for his "soul mate" and be honest and save all the lies and potential heartbreak by leaving his wife to be with the one he claims he truly loves.... And the "high mortgage" well there is always the "being able" to sell the house, move the wife and kids somewhere nice but cheaper.....then pursuing a life with you. Just because he leaves (though it probably won't happen) but if even he "left" his wife doesn't mean he'd be leaving his children...this is another lame excuse men use so they can keep both women. I dunno I've hijacked Tiki's thread long enough.. Link to post Share on other sites
Shiraz Posted February 25, 2005 Share Posted February 25, 2005 [barby everything you wrote is 100% true, and I know it to. But can't help the feelings Your a smart and strong woman! Link to post Share on other sites
Barby Posted February 25, 2005 Share Posted February 25, 2005 Originally posted by Shiraz [barby everything you wrote is 100% true, and I know it to. But can't help the feelings Your a smart and strong woman! thanks, I'm not telling you what to do, or that you should break it off..but at least you realize that these are all excuses. If you're okay with the relationship being "just" what it is..then by all means enjoy it. Link to post Share on other sites
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