Confronted Husband about Gay Porn--

[Clear]

Hello, I am new here and really confused, scared and sick to my stomach.

 

I am no stranger to porn, heck, a little is healthy, and I have no problem with the husband looking at it however, on Friday I accidentally found myself in the internet browsing history, and found about two hours of general porn, and the last 10 to 20 links on Gay Porn. Of course, I was SHOCKED. I have been confused and secretly crying a storm the past few days, but decided today to TALK about it in a clam manner and..... He BLEW up on me. Screamed the top of his lungs how disgusting that is, and how much of a stupid B i am , and I was asked to leave, and get the Hell out for making up lies with no "proof".

 

In a calm submissive manner( heck, I was scared) I told him, if it was pop ups,and nothing more, just LET IT GO. I told him I am not mad, just let the conversation go. He went hysterical, saying, "no because now you think I am gay". He wanted proof, and told me how crazy and bipolar I am.He had to go to work, and told me he was probably going to loose his job because I put him through too much.

 

We have had our share of arguments and we separated in the past before. I am distrought, because we were finally getting to a great place in our marriage, a good new paying job, and our kids getting into good schools, I regret even saying anything. I feel like I am messed up. BUT, I needed to know if what i saw was legit and if he was having issues with his sexuality, I never meant for him to go nutts and blow up angry. Iam scared he is going to get in a car accident.

 

Guys, I am scared of the rage he went through. What should I expect, what should I do. I am SICK to my stomach I even brought it up.

[GorillaTheater]

The rage and hysteria is a little more alarming than the gay porn, in my book. Two questions:

 

1) Other than the porn, do you have any reason to believe that he might be gay or at least bisexual?

 

2) Was that rage-fest the norm or an isolated event?

[gaius]

That is one guy who is way sensitive about jerking off to gay porn.

[Clear]

The rage and hysteria is a little more alarming than the gay porn, in my book. Two questions:

 

1) Other than the porn, do you have any reason to believe that he might be gay or at least bisexual?

 

2) Was that rage-fest the norm or an isolated event?

 

Yes, the rage really had me uneasy, especially, in front of my toddlers.

 

1. He striked me as homophobic, very macho type. However, he was always obsessed with anal and I hated that. He also really loved this episode on the boondocks about prisoners anally raping a character, it was a funny episode, but he seemed to want to watch it a lot.

 

2. The rage is NOT the norm, however, when I was being accused of cheating a couple of years ago, I saw this rage. It was a scary rage. I never ever cheated, I just had a crush on someone and he mistook the information, went a little psycho, which is what I saw today.

 

After researching the past few days, I learned that some straight men do watch gay porn. So that is kind of calming me down--a bit. I am a bit rattled right now, I dont want to see myself kicked out into the street over what should have been a conversation.

[GorillaTheater]

Yeah, it sounds like he at least has an interest in it, but kind of like Gaius indicates, totally went off the deep end into denial-land when confronted. I still think the rage is a bigger problem for your marriage than the gay porn, but this guy doesn't seem like a good candidate for marriage counseling.

 

As for your fears about being kicked out, I can only say this: if he kicks you out over this, he's ultimately doing you a favor. I don't say that lightly because I know the fear, pain, and just plain hassle that will be involved. But still.

[Keenly]

The porn men watch and the types of porn they watch is not something that a woman should inject herself into.

 

That's private, and can be very personal. If he invited you into that, that's one thing. It sounds like he is extremely embarrassed and because this is not something that really affects your relationship, it might be a good idea to just let him have his gay porn and leave it alone.

[Clear]

GT, I understand. I was most afraid he would get in a car accident. Time will tell, he wont be home till 3 am, I hope he doesn't harm himself, geesh. it was Just a conversation.

 

Keen, Your right. I feel awful about bringing it up. I just thought for a second he was Gay, I dont know, maybe he is, and if so, I think I deserve to know the truth as a married honest woman, especially,after all the BS I have been through. Really, I just wanted to talk, not make him go postal.Its all very confusing, sometimes just talking about it like now makes me feel better about the situation, not good to bottle things mentally.

[mrs rubble]

The porn men watch and the types of porn they watch is not something that a woman should inject herself into.

 

That's private, and can be very personal. If he invited you into that, that's one thing. It sounds like he is extremely embarrassed and because this is not something that really affects your relationship, it might be a good idea to just let him have his gay porn and leave it alone.

 

Hmmm, I disagree. I used to watch porn with an ex of mine, he was very interested in experimenting with all sorts of things.

I had a fling with him (second time) a few years back, until I found out he had a fiance. So that ended. He is definitely bi, seen it with my own eyes. I felt his fiance had a right to know, so told her everything, the guy got really angry and denies to his (now) wife everything and she believes him.

I know for a fact he cruises the gay bars and picks up men for one-nighters. She chooses to remain oblivious. It could affect her health though!!

[Yasuandio]

Honey, this is a no-brainer. I'm sorry to say that to you. But it is true. No heterosexual man wants to wants to watch guys doing anal - no way. As well, being a strong homophobic tendencies are also a characteristic of a closet gay man. Get to the doctor asap. Take the computer to a forensic expert immediately.

 

Over the six months months to a year, you will want to remain in complete denial. But if you find more evidence in the computer - that will get you thinking a little. Here's what will happen over time. Events, disappearing acts, odd occurrences will start to poping up in your mind. Pieces will start falling together. It will all come back to you - and register in a new light.

 

That is my take. I don't know everything. Yas

[2sunny]

Gay or not - that's somewhat beside the point now.

 

It's his angry reaction that would be concerning to me.

 

That is a very defensive response. But the anger would be completely unacceptable to me more than a husband that watches a movie.

 

Now - if my H were acting on his gay interest by meeting up with men behind my back? He'd get divorce papers faster than he could say hi.

 

Find out what your H is doing when he's out and about. He may be hiding something.

[Clear]

Thanks for the extra input all. It is very helpful as far as a support system to release. Yet, I am still left confused with the , " No man will jack off to gay porn" or " its just porn". I am faced with, is it wrong and deceiving? Or, do I just let it go. Those are the thoughts that are killing me.

 

 

I cried for days not because the possibility of him being Gay(although of course that is crushing) but because I know we would be officially done and over if we even discussed it. I knew my family would be broken up. We worked really really really hard on this marriage. Made it through losing our jobs, going into poverty and back to middle class. We went through Hell, and now...... I feel it slipping from my hands. He nailed my thoughts right before slamming the door to leave to work he said, " just pack your bags and leave, we cant be together because now you will always think I am gay".

 

I dont know what to do. What i do know, his "deny deny deny" has me almost convinced that I was wrong.

Edited August 5, 2014 by Clear

[Smthn_Like_Olivia]

I dont know what to do. What i do know, his "deny deny deny" has me almost convinced that I was wrong.

 

And that is the result the rage is aimed at. My ex was like this. When I caught him in a lie, he would explode in rage to make me second guess myself and convince myself that he must be telling the truth. After 10 years, I knew it was nothing more than a method of redirection or defense mechanism.

 

I would call his bluff. His pitch that you should leave because you think he's gay is a pitiful attempt on his behalf. I would walk, not because you suspect him of having gay tendencies, but because he can't even discuss it with you in a rational manner without frightening you and threatening to end your marriage. He needs YOU to provide proof?? Nope, let him provide the proof to you that your marriage is worth more than what he is so easily suggesting to toss out the door. Go stay with family, a friend, and let him mull over his reaction and behavior. Stand up for yourself and what you know as facts.

[mrs rubble]

Thanks for the extra input all. It is very helpful as far as a support system to release. Yet, I am still left confused with the , " No man will jack off to gay porn" or " its just porn". I am faced with, is it wrong and deceiving? Or, do I just let it go. Those are the thoughts that are killing me.

 

 

I cried for days not because the possibility of him being Gay(although of course that is crushing) but because I know we would be officially done and over if we even discussed it. I knew my family would be broken up. We worked really really really hard on this marriage. Made it through losing our jobs, going into poverty and back to middle class. We went through Hell, and now...... I feel it slipping from my hands. He nailed my thoughts right before slamming the door to leave to work he said, " just pack your bags and leave, we cant be together because now you will always think I am gay".

 

I dont know what to do. What i do know, his "deny deny deny" has me almost convinced that I was wrong.

 

As the other posters have said his anger is the real worrying thing here.

I'll bet you anything, his reaction would be very different if you were watching lesbian porn! Ask him if he'd assume you were gay if you were the one being questioned.

[lollipopspot]

He BLEW up on me. Screamed the top of his lungs how disgusting that is, and how much of a stupid B i am , and I was asked to leave, and get the Hell out for making up lies with no "proof"... He went hysterical, saying, "no because now you think I am gay". He wanted proof, and told me how crazy and bipolar I am.He had to go to work, and told me he was probably going to loose his job because I put him through too much...

 

Yes, the rage really had me uneasy, especially, in front of my toddlers.

 

He did the above in front of your toddlers? If so, that's child abuse and you need to get the kids out of that environment or change it so it never happens again. That's really, really bad.

 

Your kids will be messed up from repeats of this. They will be in therapy some day (if they don't shut down too much) talking about their dad's rages and how scared they were, and the boys will tend to be angry rage-aholics like him and the girls will tend to take it like you. They'll be likely to repeat the same crappy dynamics and relationships in their lives in some form.

[newmoon]

I just thought for a second he was Gay, I dont know, maybe he is, and if so, I think I deserve to know the truth as a married honest woman, especially,after all the BS I have been through.

 

just on this part, cuz i am not qualified to tell you about the other stuff. but, i accused a long-term bf of being gay (he was always hugging other men, checking them out, etc.) and we eventually broke up soon after i asked. 1) if your partner is gay and closeted they won't be honest with you anyway so it's pointless to ask 2) if there is any part of you that even, for a minute, thinks he is gay, you will have a hard time releasing that thought again and you will look for "clues" all the time now and 3) sex is bloody weird after that type of question/accusation, because you're not sure of their sexuality and preferences and the guy has been emasculated... so, that's my take on that. it kinda ends after something like this unless you're down with his choices and whatever they might entail

[Mr. Lucky]

I still think the rage is a bigger problem for your marriage than the gay porn, but this guy doesn't seem like a good candidate for marriage counseling.

GT, I usually agree with your normally great advice but not on this one.

 

This guy is the poster child for marriage counseling based on communication alone. Any man that bullies and intimidates his spouse undermines the trust a marriage is built upon. There are few more destructive things he could do.

 

Clear, I'm not a porn guy so have only had casual exposure over the last 50 years. I will say that in that time, never have seen a minute of gay porn. Not sure why a straight man would want to...

 

Mr. Lucky

[2sunny]

His extreme anger is designed to make you stay silent, retreat further back and to question what you know.

 

You know now. You can't UNknow his truth.

 

He's mad simply because he got caught.

 

No one has that kind of rage unless they have something to hide - or they are on altering drugs that affect extreme mood swings.

 

My best guess is that he's mad that you noticed.

 

So... His preference is watching gay porn...how do you feel about that? Is it something you can live with or do you think you want to leave him?

 

Think long and hard then decide. If you decide to talk about it with him again, be prepared to call the police if he even begins to raise his voice.

 

No conversation should need shouting - it's completely ineffective - expect it's designed to intimidate and scare you = and if that's the way he is then divorce him on that defect alone.

Edited August 6, 2014 by 2sunny

[Yasuandio]

just on this part, cuz i am not qualified to tell you about the other stuff. but, i accused a long-term bf of being gay (he was always hugging other men, checking them out, etc.) and we eventually broke up soon after i asked. 1) if your partner is gay and closeted they won't be honest with you anyway so it's pointless to ask 2) if there is any part of you that even, for a minute, thinks he is gay, you will have a hard time releasing that thought again and you will look for "clues" all the time now and 3) sex is bloody weird after that type of question/accusation, because you're not sure of their sexuality and preferences and the guy has been emasculated... so, that's my take on that. it kinda ends after something like this unless you're down with his choices and whatever they might entail

 

The guy went into RAGE cause it's true. And, by bringing it to his attention, as you did, you, indeed, emasculated him - as Bluemoon has pointed out.

 

This might have been handled more covertly, but it is too late now. All you can do is stop hiding in the closet yourself - which is exactly how you are responding in my opinion. It is natural to go into denial on this one honey, I have been here.

 

That is why I suggested you get that computer forensically examined. Just do it. This is an emergency. An expert can take everything that has been deleted from the hard drive. You must face the music on this matter. Perhaps there will be nothing there but normal porn - that would be great! Your careful research could prove things are ok too.

 

But right now - I would take the PISST OFF attitude - and lock him outta the room for that nasty talk to you this morning. Let him wonder what you are mad about. Stop playing nice nice. Act effing mad - like you know something. If he wants out of marriage tell him to get his eff-ing azz (use those words) out the door, and don't let it hit him in his sorry Bee-Hind.

 

Until you find out different, which you won't - assume the worst. Start checking the phone numbers called frequently, and those toll free numbers. Oh, dear. You can put numbers thru google and find out quite a bit - to narrow down. And credit charges. Uh, oh.

 

Honey - I am an extremely smart woman. But I got the wool pulled over my eyes on a situation a little similar to this - and I didn't want to believe for a long time. Then suddenly it all made sense after a few years.

 

Based on good real life experience, this is the exact strategy I would take. If I found "male anal porn" in my man's possession - my head immediately register's there is a BIG problem, period. Especially a with macho man that doesn't like gay people. The only difference - I would have gotten more evidence before showing hand. That's OK, just act "as if" you have more evidence - then find it fast - like tomorrow, or you will NEVER catch him again, and will never know the real truth. And he will give you a guilt trip the rest of your days.

 

Some people are comfortable not knowing the truth. is that you? Good luck! Yas

Edited August 6, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[whichwayisup]

Do you think he's been with guy? Hate to bring that up, but I'm sure it's crossed your mind...

He wanted proof, and told me how crazy and bipolar I am.He had to go to work, and told me he was probably going to loose his job because I put him through too much.

 

He threw a shi.t fit and blamed you. The above and also the rest of how you said he reacted is not normal. I take it he isn't the type to give this a few days then calmly talk about it?

[Clear]

I just want to thank each and everyone of you for your input.I feel really good that I can let this out and people are listening and offering solid and like minded advice. I couldnt possibly tell these things to my mother, are you kidding me. :(Thank you all. And your right, the anger and rage is most troubling and foretelling. It's just disturbing, but bottom line, no, I can't live with someone who has sexual desires for same male sex. Even if its just porn. We have two toddlers in the home, do I want him to be jerking off to male anal porn at the wee hours of the night. NO just NO!!

 

 

This has been a troubled marriage for a while. .However, no matter what obstacle we faced, we always triumphed--- Till now. The "gay" or "bi" thing may be the nail on the coffin this time. It's always going to be on my mind, always.We are going to be weird too. The whole thing is just awkward.

 

Ill keep yall updated.

Edited August 6, 2014 by Clear

[Hope Shimmers]

Everyone wants to believe that sexuality is black and white, but it isn't. It is shades of gray.

 

Men who are primarily heterosexual can get off (sexually) watching gay porn. Same for women (I have done it, and I am heterosexual).

 

If the porn is not an addiction that is taking over his life, etc, then it's not a big deal in my opinion. I think you should have never seen his choice of porn for masturbation purposes. That's his business - it doesn't make him "gay", and I hope you two can move past this.

[daisydook]

After researching the past few days, I learned that some straight men do watch gay porn. So that is kind of calming me down--a bit. I am a bit rattled right now, I dont want to see myself kicked out into the street over what should have been a conversation.

 

I am not sure it is the same thing at all here, but I am a very heterosexual female. I want to be with a man for the rest of my life. I have been open to having fun with women, but being attracted to them for more than it is, nope. I watch gay porn. Almost exclusively. Two men going at it. Two women going at it is a real turn on as well. I do not want to have two gay men in front of me. I do not care much for the idea of two men together. I do not know what it is. Gay porn is just really sexy to me. Also, a lot less boring than hetero porn. I get bored easily with hetero porn. Maybe Im watching the wrong porn? Hahahaha

 

I have been honest about my enjoyment of gay porn, and I do not get defensive. My BF even jokes with me about it. Lol. I choose gay porn over hetero all the time! I get hetero sex all the time! Hehehe It is fun to fantasize and that is all it is. I would not want this in real life. I was very open with my partner about what I like to watch, although I thought he was going to just about die when I told him. He is not gay, not bi and not even a little curious about men. He wanted to make sure I didnt think he would be doing any of the things I watched in porn. Lol. I think I just like it because there is more moaning, muscles, lots of cum, and big strong sexy men being submissive, and vulnerable and gay men are a little bit dirteh! Hehehe You dont get to see vulnerability in men in porn all the time, and I found that to be a turn on. I find it really sexy to see a man being vulnerable. Not in a bad way

 

I am a female and I was honest and open from the start about it, so things are a little different, but I am to all intents and purposes a heterosexual human being who watches gay porn, both with gay men and gay women. I usually watch gay men more often than anything else. And I usually watch porn a few times a week. Lol.

[lollipopspot]

I can't live with someone who has sexual desires for same male sex. Even if its just porn. We have two toddlers in the home, do I want him to be jerking off to male anal porn at the wee hours of the night. NO just NO!!

 

The porn is not the biggest problem. Your marriage doesn't even need to be based on romantic love at this point. Both of you have the more important job of parenting two toddlers that you brought into the world.

 

I think you should get away only because of the rage, not because of the porn.

 

If he actually turned out to be a gay man, without the anger issues, I'd say you should co-parent as respectful partners if you possibly can, and stay in the same house.

 

See a marriage counselor if possible, but don't let the out of control anger happen in front of your kids again, they're freaked out by it.

[GorillaTheater]

GT, I usually agree with your normally great advice but not on this one.

 

This guy is the poster child for marriage counseling based on communication alone. Any man that bullies and intimidates his spouse undermines the trust a marriage is built upon. There are few more destructive things he could do.

 

Clear, I'm not a porn guy so have only had casual exposure over the last 50 years. I will say that in that time, never have seen a minute of gay porn. Not sure why a straight man would want to...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I get what you mean; my point was that, although this guy could certainly use some MC, I don't see him going without a gun at this head. He seems way too defensive to talk about his side of the problem.

[travelbug1996]

If he's not gay, he's curious. That is very troubling for a lot of women to deal with. He was embarrassed more than anything hence the rage and defensiveness.

 

It would always be in my mind. I would try to talk to him about it again and see if he's more open. He could say he was just seeing what it looked like but that would only be 1 site but you say it was multiple site which is suspicious to say the least.