Am I being love blind?

[animation]

Hey guys,

 

I really need some advice. Apologies in advance for the long post but I feel I need to describe the situation properly...

 

I'm 22, my girlfriend is 21, we've not been together an exceptionally long time and I feel something isn't quite right in regards to her acting differently and I'm not sure if I'm just being a paranoid fool due to being cheated on in my last relationship or if my intuition is trying to serve it's rightful purpose.

 

She's just finished uni, we met at the beginning of this year through a random snap chat, hit it off and it turned out we didn't live far from each other at all. We shared no mutual friends or had any idea really of each others existence until this point.

 

Things have moved really fast, we've fallen head over heels in love with each other (we've both been through a lot together already, and I know that sounds cliche because every other couple says this but I mean serious lows we've helped each other out of) and everything has been pretty much perfect. She moved in to mine a few weeks ago because otherwise she'd have to go home over 300 miles away and it just seemed the right thing to do considering the circumstances but I've started to become suspicious which I hate because I don't want to sour something that's so beautiful if it could just be paranoia.

 

I won't go in to her past so much because I don't feel it's a great reflection of anybody's present but she was pretty frivolous and cheated on her last boyfriend (granted, it wasn't anywhere near as serious) with one of her best friends who also has a boyfriend (she's bisexual). She said they often used to end up kissing/fondling each other if they'd been out drinking and her friends boyfriend was never any the wiser (she's been with him for 5+ years).

 

She's still friends with her, I've met her on plenty of occasions. My girlfriend had been really open about it early on and I never really saw a massive cause for concern until recently.

 

Her last night at her uni house they all went out (her friend included) to a bar and we're drinking and got pretty drunk. She then went home to her friends house (she didn't tell me this until the next day despite us still texting during the evening), just the two of them to supposedly get some drugs (we're both pretty liberal about these things). They got home and her friends dog had got something in his paw and had been bleeding pretty badly so they bandaged him up. Decided against the drugs but didn't go back to the bar and spent the rest of the evening there before she walked home (that's the story at least).

 

The next day my friend and I go to pick her up and get the rest of her things to move in to mine and her friend was there helping her move. I still didn't know about them going to hers the night before and saw the dog with a bandaged paw and asked her friend what had happened, she replied "Well, when I got home last night (the 'I' here is perhaps significant, not mentioning my girlfriend was there as if it was some kind of secret) the dog had been bleeding everywhere from his paw"...and so on. I didn't pick up on any of this at the time and even after my girlfriend had said she'd gone back to hers (after her friends story, that evening) the thought hadn't even crossed my mind.

 

Fast forward a week and I'm playing the playstation at mine with some friends (she'd gone to her parents for her brothers wedding a couple of days earlier than I was turning up) and my facebook message goes off on my PC. Because I was with my friends I didn't check it until after they'd gone only to realise she'd left her facebook logged on and there was no message there anymore, I shamefully checked the archived folder and found nothing there either and to prevent myself snooping I logged off. Still dumbfounded why she'd have deleted a message.

 

This all starts clockwork going in my head and I started to think back to the stories she'd told me and how odd it was that she'd have deleted a message.

 

I visit her parents with her and bring it up eventually and she says that sometimes she just deletes messages because they have no significance or she doesn't want to talk to that person and completely denies anything going on with her friend what soever and I'm left with no choice but to concede despite my gut screaming at me that something is up.

 

Her other best friend (from her home town) who's gay has also had me asking questions about her intentions.

She told me, again, early on, that they had slept with each other once but both got really weirded out by the situation and promised each other they'd never do it again, he then became gay sometime after that (so she told me).

She went on holiday with him to Morocco a few months ago to some kind of theatrical festival and shared a bed etc which I had no problem with.

I find out when I meet him that he's in fact bisexual and has been sleeping with a lot of women recently, I don't know why she would have lied about this other than to perhaps stop me worrying. I just thought I'd note this because it is definitely something she was misleading me about in someway (I haven't bought this up with her because I don't feel it's going to have a conclusive ending). She's out with him tonight and asked me if I felt uncomfortable if they shared a bed and I was honest and said yes, a little but I don't want to tell you how to behave and she said she'd sleep in her own bed).

 

I worry if something had happened with her female friend, no matter how small then she'd be way too frightened to tell me because she knows I don't take s**t and would split up with her straight away. Considering she's just moved all of her things to mine and would be pretty screwed if I kicked her out I can expect she'd reason that it was a mistake and that telling me wouldn't be a good idea because she'd lose me (and I can hear how paranoid this all sounds).

 

What do I do? I've tried to confront her about it, and she may have been completely truthful but I still feel like I'm missing something.

 

Do I wait and see what happens? I could be throwing away everything on a hunch that's been caused by my previous partner's actions. She's really smart and I don't think that if something had/was happening I'd catch her out without snooping through her phone and facebook which I'm refusing to let myself do (I've told her this too, that I'm not going to be in a relationship where I feel the need to have to do that).

 

She made me feel pretty guilty about it all (understandably, if she is telling the truth). And says she's started to feel less secure about our relationship and worries I'm going to end it any minute. I'm worried that I'm being completely love-blind and don't want to let it go any further if I'm being mislead, it'll break my heart and I honestly don't know how I'd cope.

 

Advice, please!

[dogeared]

You think your girlfriend cheated on you because

1. she is friends with a girl who is bi that she has made out with in the past

2. the friend said "I" and not "we"

3. your girlfriend deleted a FB message....

Do I have that right?

 

Unless I am missing something you are seriously paranoid and reading entirely too much into nothing.

[animation]

Yes I'm asking if I'm being paranoid, you are downplaying it I feel, maybe a suitable compromise if I'm hyping it up. Maybe I should emphasize on your points.

 

1. Her friend who she cheated on her last partner with and has had a continual "fooling around" relationship with for the best part of 2-3 years.

 

2. I know this one is ridiculously loosely based, and no, I can't come to any real assumption from that and wasn't at all one of the main reasons, it just seemed odd to me she spent a few minutes telling a story and didn't even mention my girlfriend was there, nor did my girlfriend mention she was there despite the fact we were texting periodically throughout the evening.

 

3. She deleted a message and didn't have any memory of what it was or who it was from, and only deletes certain messages...

 

There's plenty of other reason of doubt there, lying about her other friend (male) being gay?

[drifter777]

Where there is this much smoke there is a raging fire. If all of your suspicions are true - that she's been sleeping around right under your nose - would you dump her or give her some hard boundaries and a second chance? If it's the second chance thing she must agree to stop doing the things that are driving you crazy. Its not unreasonable to ask her to stop sleeping with a male friend. Its not unreasonable to ask her why she said he was gay when he says he's bi and sleeps with women often. Its not unreasonable to ask her to stop having any kind of sexual contact with other men while the two of you are committed. If she is willing to comply with these things then maybe you could try again with her. On the other hand, why put yourself through all of this drama? You aren't married, don't have kids - break it off and go find more girls to play with. You are only going to be young and single once and it goes by fast so love it while you can.

[Leaving]

Don’t let the fact you were cheated on turn you into a jealous and controlling person:mad:, as I see it your Gf has done nothing wrong and if you start accusing her with no facts or evidence then she’ll be gone or worse start cheating for real. I’m currently expecting a child with the only women I've been serious with since I learn of my wife affair. When we first started getting close I had to learn to put what my wife did behind me and move on it was hard at first but I manage.

[dogeared]

Personally, I don't see how she lied about her friend being gay. He is into other guys, no? If she had said that he is gay, and as it turns out he is straight and always has been, I would understand where you are coming from.

 

 

As it is, it sounds like semantics, and I don't think you have a leg to stand on. This is the same as the other friend saying "I" instead of "we".

 

 

It's like you are hoping that she has cheated on you, the way you are reading into everything. If you distrust her so much, you shouldn't be with her.

 

 

Save both of you from all the drama.

[PegNosePete]

So this guy who she's previously had sex with, and cheated on her last partner with, who is apparently bi (not that that's relevant in the slightest)... she went on holiday with him, shared a bed with him, and nothing happened? And now she is going "out" with him, and wants to sleep in a bed with him again, but you said no so she won't??

 

If you believe that then I have a bridge to sell you. You are very right to be suspicious of this relationship. If a girlfriend of mine did that I would end the relationship immediately. these are not the actions of a trustworthy person.

Edited August 6, 2014 by PegNosePete

[Thicke2013]

Looks like I will disagree with the masses here. I think there are a lot of red flags. She isn't lying to your face but she is lying by omission which in my opinion is the same thing. She didn't tell you that she was going to her ex-lesbian fling's house because she knew that you were uncomfortable with it. She didn't tell you that the guy she slept with once was bi-sexual instead of gay because she was still sharing a bed with him. The FB message doesn't bother me terribly, but for her to say she doesn't know who it was from or what it said? Really? Who gets a message and doesn't at least read it or know who it is from?

 

Maybe it all adds up to nothing, but she would have to understand how all of it together puts a cloud on things. I say be open and talk with her. Even be open that your past experience has made you paranoid in some sense. We are all affected by our past and she is no exception. It's sounds like you are far more liberal in most of your views than I am, I tend to be more conservative and old fashioned in my views especially when it comes to relationships. The whole, my guy friend is gay and I'm going to share a bed with him thing would never work for me, but to each their own.

 

At this point I would have to say that you two need to have some serious talks about boundaries and set some healthy ones for your relationship. Everyone is different. My fiance' grew up in a home where her father would get drunk and smack her mom around. Early on, she asked me not to get sloppy drunk because it brings back bad memories and makes her feel uncomfortable. This was not a problem for me as I don't drink much or often, but now I will make especially sure for her sake that I don't get that way. We make these provisions for the people we love. Good luck OP.

Edited August 6, 2014 by Thicke2013

[headheldhigh14]

these are not the actions of a trustworthy person.

 

Exactly, nor the actions of someone who respects you and your committed relationship. Zero respect. Zero boundaries. Slippery slope. I would not tolerate it. I would tell her how it makes you feel. Tell her its unacceptable for you. That its a deal breaker (if it is), and tell her if it continues you will walk. Then, if it continues, walk.

 

I mean really? Who the h#ll actually SLEEPS in the same bed with an opposite sex person, let alone an old sex partner, when you are married or in a committed exclusive relationship. WTF?!!!

 

I've always ended contact with men I've had sex with when I'm in a new relationship. Out of love and respect for my partner. And as a way of showing my love and commitment to my partner.

 

Not to mention, yes, she is lying through omission. What else will she hide from you to "save" your feelings?

Edited August 9, 2014 by headheldhigh14