Household Chores in a marriage

[OneLife2Live]

I know this has probably been discussed numerous times but I don't have time to search the topic, plus situations are different.

 

I work FT, so does my Dh. A couple times a month he works 16 hours week OT for extra money. There are days I put in an 11-12 hour day. If get home later than 6 pm he makes supper but that's not often, maybe once a month.

 

The only thing he does to help around the house is mow once a week which takes about an hour or two. I usually take out the trash. He will but it's rare, maybe once a month. It could be overflowing and he just leaves it. If I ask him to take it out he says he will, later. He rarely ends up doing it so I do it.

 

When I get off work I barely get in the door he ask me what's for supper. Lately, I have just been asking what he would like just so I dont have to hear him ask. He will just put his dirty plate in the sink or counter. When I ask nicely to put in DW he says he will do it later. He hardly does so I put it away. He does help once in awhile by putting dishes away from the DW but that's rare, maybe once a month.

 

I do his laundry, fold it, and put it away. It's rare for him to ask to help. If I ask I get the same answer, I will in a bit, but never does. I clean up after him constantly. All he does when not working is watch tv. If he needs something washed, he'll tell me "I need jeans/workshirts washed."

 

One day his mom and I were talking. I don't remember how the topic came up but she said when he was growing up she worked FT and still took care of all the household chores and dh dad just watched tv most of the time. He did take care of the mowing. She said it was her job as a wife to do all the house work even though she worked FT. She pretty much said even though I work FT I was the wife and it was my job to do the house work.

Today I worked 10 hours and as soon as I got home I started making supper, we ate, and I cleaned up. He got his lunch for tomorrow, actually put his plate in DW and plopped down in front of the tv. I'm exhausted from the long day at work so I'm relaxing a bit until it's time to uploaded the DW. I am thankful I have one!

 

Working FT with hardly any help with chores, I'm exhausted by 8 pm yet he expects me to put out whenever he wants. I'm about ready to have a breakdown!

Edited August 6, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Paragraphs

[iiiii]

I can see several options here:

 

1. Live with it. Maybe do a bit less housework, and accept that the house will be a bit messier than you like.

 

2. Communicate with him to work out a compromise that suits you both (maybe there's one particular chore he'd like to take responsibility for).

 

3. Cut down on the numbers of hours you work so that you have time to do all the chores without getting exhausted (he could work a few extra hours at work to pay for the fact you're bringing in less, or you could cut costs in other areas to deal with the lost wages).

 

4. Hire a cleaner once a week (if you think you can't afford it, maybe discuss one of you working a few extra hours a month so you can).

 

5. Leave him, and try to find someone tidier.

Edited August 6, 2014 by iiiii

[dogeared]

I started a similar thread a couple days ago. Posters had some very helpful ideas. You can read them here: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/488379-tips-getting-spouse-do-things

 

 

IMO the first thing you need to do is stop doing everything, stop picking up after him, and stop doing his laundry. Why would he ever do anything for himself or to help out if it all gets done without his help?

[carhill]

Another choice is to work less and choose to share household chores more. Work is always a choice. People just think it isn't.

 

I remember a funny anecdote from the wife of a very famous man, actually a historical figure in US aerospace, where she had tired of him not gathering up his clothes for the laundry, rather just dropping them when he came home from 'work' (he was a military test pilot). After awhile, this annoyed her enough that she simply stopped washing his civvies and piled them in the closet. When he asked her where his clothes were, she pointed to the closet. He reached in, rummaged around, found something and put it on and walked out like nothing had happened. So much for her 'showing him'.

 

They were married for 45 years until she died in 1990. If you visit the Smithsonian Museum of Air and Space, you'll see her name, Glennis, displayed on the side of one of the historical aircraft there.

 

One example of what people do. Good luck!

[WasOtherWoman]

Cut out dinner. We stopped eating dinner years ago. Make lunch your main meal and skip the large dinner. Have a piece of fruit or something small. That would save a ton of time. Plus, much healthier to eat less at night anyway.

 

That could at least make evenings much easier.

[Els]

You weren't clear about your husband's schedule or yours - how many hours a week do you each work on average? Are they approximately the same or does his OT bring his to more than yours?

 

If his 16 hours OT is over and above the standard 40 hours/week and he is doing it to bring in more money, then perhaps during those weeks that he does OT you could work out a compromise where you do most of it. And on the weeks that he doesn't, he chips in equally.

 

It is going to be hard if that's how his mother raised him though. Her doing it herself isn't necessarily a red flag, but if that's how she believes it SHOULD be done and how she raised him, then it should have been a huge red flag for you before marrying him IMO (unless he clearly demonstrated that he didn't share her beliefs).

[pink_sugar]

Since you both work a lot of overtime and don't want to cut back, how about trying these tips?

 

1. There are a lot of things you can cook and have on the table within 15 minutes. Tacos, burgers, fish, stir-fry.

2. Packaged meals, I find a lot of freshly prepared meals for a good price at Trader Joes and Fresh and Easy. It may cost a little more than cooking, but the slightly extra cost may be worth less hassle and less stress.

3. Use paper plates to minimize dishes.

4. Maybe you have a relative, friend or neighbor who needs some extra cash. You could pay them $10 an hour once a month or however often you need to help clean the house. I know a few busy people who do this.

[FitChick]

I'm always amazed at the silly power struggles people have over something easily remedied by common sense. Some people enjoy playing the martyr.

[Smilecharmer]

There is such a thing as cleanliness compatibility. I knew my husband was as neat as me. We have never had a word about household chores because he and I are compatible so if something is dirty or needs put away, we do it due to our standards of living. You aren't compatible. Not much to do there. He is who he is and you won't change him without drastic measures and tons of resentment. What is important to you means next to nothing to him.

 

We discussed all of this before marriage, didn't you?

Edited August 8, 2014 by Smilecharmer

[Poppygoodwill]

We teach people how to treat us.

 

Not to blame you, but by doing all the chores, he has been trained that you will do them.

 

So to change that, you have to change what you do.

 

You have to stop doing everything. Just stop.

 

And endure the mess that comes for a while until he brings it up and then you can have a conversation about it.

 

There was never any question when I married that we would both clean around the house. In fact, my husband has a lower tolerance for dirt than I do so he just gets on with things because he can't deal with it. But I always cooked because he can't. Until I started working much longer hours than him. He gets home at 330 every day, I'm never home before 6. I told him: I'm not going to come home exhausted and then start coooking every day. I'll do half, my fair share. So he's learning how to cook because he's fair minded and he sees what a burden it would be on me when he' sjust kicking around the house in the afternoons. And I have to accept that hafl the week I'm goign to eat the same food over and over beause he only knows a few dishes. But that's the trade off.

 

You have to teach him how you want to be treated.

 

And prepare to be patient. You want to change how things have been done, whcih will be an adjustment ot his world view. Give him tiem to adjust. If he doesn't, or won't, then you have some bigger decisions to make.

 

If you can afford it, get a cleaner, but make sure it's not only coming out of your salary. Everyone makes a mess, everyone likes clean house and laundry, everyone pays for the cleaner.

[dogeared]

It is going to be hard if that's how his mother raised him though. Her doing it herself isn't necessarily a red flag, but if that's how she believes it SHOULD be done and how she raised him, then it should have been a huge red flag for you before marrying him IMO (unless he clearly demonstrated that he didn't share her beliefs).

 

I understand why people say this, but I disagree. Sure, after the fact it seems like a red flag. However, when you're dating, and even engaged or newly married, people tend to be on their best behavior. Not always, but as a general rule.

 

 

Then, I seriously doubt the OP's husband was living with his mother when they met where she would have observed this behavior. For the most part, as adults when we meet our partner or potential partner, they are living alone or with roommates, and are taking care of themselves.

 

 

If this is the case for the OP, then there is not necessarily a reason she should think that that would not continue to be the case once they were married.

Edited August 8, 2014 by dogeared

[DaisyLeigh1967]

I would not stand for it.

 

Tell him that he is to do half of the chores, cooking, etc. And then stop cooking, washing clothes or anything else for him if he does not contribute.

[Miss Match]

Can you compromise on a few chores like...

 

- If you cook, he cleans up and does dishes.. and vis versa

- He should also cook at least once or twice a week.

- He does his own laundry, you do your own and you spilt turns on sheets/towels household.

- you could make a list of jobs like vacuuming / clean shower / mop kitchen whatever, and he has to do 1 each week, but he can choose which.

 

at least that would be a start.

[Got it]

I agree with the other poster, we teach people how to treat us. I would sit down with him and tell him that you two need to come up with a fair distribution of chores and then stop doing the ones that you don't need to do. Your job, if you don't want to, is not to be hand maiden to him. But if you do it, why wouldn't he accept it?

 

My husband and I both have high level positions that require a lot of travel for both of us. So for us, we have a cleaning crew come in every other week, we have lawn service weekly, and then we divide up the other needs. I tend to cook, he tends to do dishes. I tend to do laundry and shopping and most animal care, he tends to do the bills. BUT it is a very fluid arrangement and the other jumps in when needed/able.

 

Personally I think the worse arrangement is when a spouse acts like an adult dependent.

[Els]

I understand why people say this, but I disagree. Sure, after the fact it seems like a red flag. However, when you're dating, and even engaged or newly married, people tend to be on their best behavior. Not always, but as a general rule.

 

This is why I generally believe in cohabitating before marrying, and that it is worth it even if it 'delays' marriage so to speak. I'm not going to derail the thread with that argument, and I respect that there are people who believe differently. But in that case they need to be doubly cautious about things like this and take steps to ensure that they know their living styles are reasonably compatible before tying the knot.

 

Of course, hindsight is 20/20 and all that, and saying this changes nothing. The paragraph you quoted wasn't really my main point, though - my main point was to suggest a compromise. If he is unwilling to talk about a compromise, then they have bigger issues on their plate than just incompatible cleanliness preferences.

[OneLife2Live]

Thank you for all your replies. You all have some valid points.

I'll try my best to answer the questions. Still don't know how to quote each question asked and put it in one thread to make it easier for me to answer.

I work 40 hours a week. My company does not allow OT. If I work passed my 8 hour shift one day, i have to come into work later or take off earlier in the day. Twice a month my dh works 56 hours in which 16 of that is OT.

When I married him I didn't know his mom felt that a wife should do all the housework even if she worked outside the home. If I did, I would have made it clear to him before I married him it's not the way I feel and if he can't agree, we wouldn't get married. This subject was brought up a couple years ago. We had already been M 20 years. Just recently she was appauled that I asked dh to put his plate in the DW when he was done. She asked me why I couldn't do it. It was the way he was raised. I have put up with it for years. Why? Probably because it's a lot easier to just do it rather than being a single mom I guess. Stupid, I know, don't have to tell me that.

I have told him numerous times I need help. He does for maybe a day or two then it's baco to the same crap. Today is his mowing day. He usually has it done by now. Nope he is watching tv or on his computer.

Believe me , I have told him that if he wants clean clothes he can wash them. He threatens me with removing money from the account. I told him go ahead, he can sit in the dark with no satellite or Internet roasting his ass off from no ac. He bullies me if I don't wash his clothes. I know, wtf am I still married to him? Good question! I have told him numerous times if he doesn't like me not being his doormat he knows where the door is. I found this house, I put the effort in to getting it, all he did was sign the lease. When things go wrong, I make the call to the landlord. If the landlord needs to discuss anything , he calls me, never him. I pay all the bills with our joint account.

Ohhhhh, I forgot to mention. Can't forget this as he feels he doesn't need to do chores because he does the majority of the grocery shopping. I don't do it that often. I do it when we may need a few things but he does most of it. So, that's his contribution to the chores. Damn, im such a bitch of a wife! How could I not give him credit for shopping for a half an hour or so. All I have to do is make the meal and clean up and wash the dishes. I don't like to spend a lot of time cooking when I get off work, so I make simple meals. He hates having leftover for supper, any leftovers he takes for lunch at work. Him having just fruit or a salad for supper? Ha! Only wished.

No matter how much I try telling him I cant do it all he will pretty much ignore it. Like I said, he does help once in awhile but once a month to take out trash or unload the dw, isn't enough.

[OneLife2Live]

Forgot, we do go out regularly but it's not just us on a date, we go to friend's for a few drinks. And yes, I feel I'm being taken for granted. If we got D he would have no clue what to do. As for hiring a cleaning lady, I have other bills, It's not in our budget.

[Smilecharmer]

Forgot, we do go out regularly but it's not just us on a date, we go to friend's for a few drinks. And yes, I feel I'm being taken for granted. If we got D he would have no clue what to do. As for hiring a cleaning lady, I have other bills, It's not in our budget.

 

 

You are being taken for granted. His mother made it clear that housework is woman's work. You will either keep doing it all, get some marriage counseling since he doesn't care about how you feel and treats you like you are his mother and he will see how this is affecting you and learn to compromise or you will finally become tired of it, withdraw emotionally, resent him for being a sexist jerk who doesn't do his part and leave. Personally he has no reason to change his behavior. He got a second mom. I would never have kids with this man. You think this is tough, raising kids and a husband at the same time is hell.

Personally I would ask one more time, plan out division of labor on a spreadsheet and if he still doesn't get it after you tel him you are at the end of your rope, tell him to pack his crap and get out. You don't want a mamas lazy boy but a man who treats you like an equal. This situation is intenable.

[Smilecharmer]

P.s. He can go back and live with his mother. MILs have no place in a marriage. This is ridiculous. I have been happily married for eighteen years and I am the woman of my household and my husband and I are a team. He always has my back and I always have his. I'm not his mother, I am his wife. He is not my father, he is my husband. We don't raise each other or care for each other like the other is a child. We are equal. You two aren't.

Edited August 8, 2014 by Smilecharmer

[OneLife2Live]

Exactly Smile! And I have told him I'm not his mom, nor his child and if he cant treat me like a wife, then get your ass out. He won't fricken leave. And, legally , I can't make him leave unless he strikes me or threatens me with violence. A friend of mine lived with a guy who verbally abused her. She called the police to get him removed. Since she willingly allowed him to move in the officer couldn't make him leave unless there was physical abuse. Two weeks later, he did physically abuse her and she called the police. He was removed from the house and arrested. He's been in jail for awhile.

[devilish innocent]

I'm going to sound pretty bad here, but I used to be similar to your husband. I grew up not having to do any regular chores. When I first lived with my husband, I worked full-time and he worked part-time, so I still had an excuse not to worry about the chores. Then the situation changed so that we had similar amount of free times. I knew I should be picking up more of the chores, but it just wasn't on my mind most days. The thing that finally worked for me was having a regular weekly chore chart. My husband assigned chores for each day of the week, and then I would repeat that schedule each week. Once I got used to doing the chores, I needed to rely less on the chart to figure out what needed to be done. Although I still need to set aside a certain amount of time to work on chores each day or else I would never get to them. So you may want to work with your husband on creating a routine, at least for the weeks when he's not working extra hours. If he's not used to doing chores, then he might need some type of structure to turn it into a habit.

[OneLife2Live]

I'm going to sound pretty bad here, but I used to be similar to your husband. I grew up not having to do any regular chores. When I first lived with my husband, I worked full-time and he worked part-time, so I still had an excuse not to worry about the chores. Then the situation changed so that we had similar amount of free times. I knew I should be picking up more of the chores, but it just wasn't on my mind most days. The thing that finally worked for me was having a regular weekly chore chart. My husband assigned chores for each day of the week, and then I would repeat that schedule each week. Once I got used to doing the chores, I needed to rely less on the chart to figure out what needed to be done. Although I still need to set aside a certain amount of time to work on chores each day or else I would never get to them. So you may want to work with your husband on creating a routine, at least for the weeks when he's not working extra hours. If he's not used to doing chores, then he might need some type of structure to turn it into a habit.

I thought about that. Just never got around to it. I have been trying myself to orgainze my weekly cleaning schedule to make it less hetic on me. I really feel angry with him. And jealous that he doesn't let the mess get to him. He didn't grow up like that and either did I. There was a time I left his end table alone for a week. He had glasses, pop bottles, and water bottles everywhere on it. I couldn't handle it so I threw them away. I asked him to throw them away, he didn't.

I wish I could come home every single day from work and do nothing but watch tv. Nope, I'm busy cleaning or picking up after him.

[Els]

Thank you for all your replies. You all have some valid points.

I'll try my best to answer the questions. Still don't know how to quote each question asked and put it in one thread to make it easier for me to answer.

 

The blue +" button next to Quote. Click this for all the posts you want to quote then click reply at the end.

 

I work 40 hours a week. My company does not allow OT. If I work passed my 8 hour shift one day, i have to come into work later or take off earlier in the day. Twice a month my dh works 56 hours in which 16 of that is OT.

Okay. I think that on the weeks that he has to work 56 hours while you work 40 hours, it's quite reasonable for you to do most of the chores. Is he open to talking about a compromise where he does equal chores on weeks where he is NOT OT?

 

When I married him I didn't know his mom felt that a wife should do all the housework even if she worked outside the home. If I did, I would have made it clear to him before I married him it's not the way I feel and if he can't agree, we wouldn't get married. This subject was brought up a couple years ago. We had already been M 20 years. Just recently she was appauled that I asked dh to put his plate in the DW when he was done. She asked me why I couldn't do it. It was the way he was raised. I have put up with it for years. Why? Probably because it's a lot easier to just do it rather than being a single mom I guess. Stupid, I know, don't have to tell me that.

I have told him numerous times I need help. He does for maybe a day or two then it's baco to the same crap. Today is his mowing day. He usually has it done by now. Nope he is watching tv or on his computer.

Believe me , I have told him that if he wants clean clothes he can wash them. He threatens me with removing money from the account. I told him go ahead, he can sit in the dark with no satellite or Internet roasting his ass off from no ac. He bullies me if I don't wash his clothes. I know, wtf am I still married to him? Good question! I have told him numerous times if he doesn't like me not being his doormat he knows where the door is. I found this house, I put the effort in to getting it, all he did was sign the lease. When things go wrong, I make the call to the landlord. If the landlord needs to discuss anything , he calls me, never him. I pay all the bills with our joint account.

Ohhhhh, I forgot to mention. Can't forget this as he feels he doesn't need to do chores because he does the majority of the grocery shopping. I don't do it that often. I do it when we may need a few things but he does most of it. So, that's his contribution to the chores. Damn, im such a bitch of a wife! How could I not give him credit for shopping for a half an hour or so. All I have to do is make the meal and clean up and wash the dishes. I don't like to spend a lot of time cooking when I get off work, so I make simple meals. He hates having leftover for supper, any leftovers he takes for lunch at work. Him having just fruit or a salad for supper? Ha! Only wished.

No matter how much I try telling him I cant do it all he will pretty much ignore it. Like I said, he does help once in awhile but once a month to take out trash or unload the dw, isn't enough.

Your resentment is becoming quite clear. I'm not blaming you at all, but this cannot be how you approach the problem. You must sit down with him and talk calmly about how this is affecting you and that while you cannot change his upbringing, you cannot handle living like this for the rest of your lives together either, so he has to work with you on overcoming this or you will leave.

 

Given that he has started threatening you with removing money from your account (why, is it his money?), this marriage might be past redemption, though. If he isn't interested in saving it (going to MC for instance), it's probably time for you to cut your losses. I feel for him in a way because he didn't make himself this way, his mother made him by spoiling him to bits with her sexist mentality. But it isn't right for you to suffer for it either. If he persists in this, he'd better make lots of money, because the only way he'd be in a happy R with anyone is if he was the sole breadwinner while she was a SAHW. Then she wouldn't resent him for doing no housework.

Edited August 9, 2014 by Elswyth

[pink_sugar]

Thank you for all your replies. You all have some valid points.

I'll try my best to answer the questions. Still don't know how to quote each question asked and put it in one thread to make it easier for me to answer.

I work 40 hours a week. My company does not allow OT. If I work passed my 8 hour shift one day, i have to come into work later or take off earlier in the day. Twice a month my dh works 56 hours in which 16 of that is OT.

When I married him I didn't know his mom felt that a wife should do all the housework even if she worked outside the home. If I did, I would have made it clear to him before I married him it's not the way I feel and if he can't agree, we wouldn't get married. This subject was brought up a couple years ago. We had already been M 20 years. Just recently she was appauled that I asked dh to put his plate in the DW when he was done. She asked me why I couldn't do it. It was the way he was raised. I have put up with it for years. Why? Probably because it's a lot easier to just do it rather than being a single mom I guess. Stupid, I know, don't have to tell me that.

I have told him numerous times I need help. He does for maybe a day or two then it's baco to the same crap. Today is his mowing day. He usually has it done by now. Nope he is watching tv or on his computer.

Believe me , I have told him that if he wants clean clothes he can wash them. He threatens me with removing money from the account. I told him go ahead, he can sit in the dark with no satellite or Internet roasting his ass off from no ac. He bullies me if I don't wash his clothes. I know, wtf am I still married to him? Good question! I have told him numerous times if he doesn't like me not being his doormat he knows where the door is. I found this house, I put the effort in to getting it, all he did was sign the lease. When things go wrong, I make the call to the landlord. If the landlord needs to discuss anything , he calls me, never him. I pay all the bills with our joint account.

Ohhhhh, I forgot to mention. Can't forget this as he feels he doesn't need to do chores because he does the majority of the grocery shopping. I don't do it that often. I do it when we may need a few things but he does most of it. So, that's his contribution to the chores. Damn, im such a bitch of a wife! How could I not give him credit for shopping for a half an hour or so. All I have to do is make the meal and clean up and wash the dishes. I don't like to spend a lot of time cooking when I get off work, so I make simple meals. He hates having leftover for supper, any leftovers he takes for lunch at work. Him having just fruit or a salad for supper? Ha! Only wished.

No matter how much I try telling him I cant do it all he will pretty much ignore it. Like I said, he does help once in awhile but once a month to take out trash or unload the dw, isn't enough.

 

I was under the impression that you both work OT. While your husband does have a sexist mentality, (you should have seen this well before marriage), the reality is that you may have to a few more chores than him.

[Miss Match]

So... it's been going on like this for 20 years?