Household Chores in a marriage

[OneLife2Live]

You do shopping in your heels. Why? Change your shoes. 45 minutes to put groceries away? Takes me 5. You are playing the victim card...not on purpose but because you are desperate.

 

I did 12 hour nursing shifts and had time to properly take care of two children...on my own. Still had energy to go for a run, to the gym, attend a million of my girls' dancing lessons, soccer games..

 

Again. This has nothing to do with too much to do....physical exhaustion. Your marriage is a sham...you are depressed. You are angry inside. This is the life you have chosen, realized it was dead end but did nothing to change.

 

Now you want what exactly? Either ask him to leave or don't. Leave yourself or don't. Otherwise be miserable and get used to it. You are scared to change. Scared of 'whatever'. If you stay together, will you be happier in 3 years? 15?

 

Make your own life.

I don't know if your reply was directly to the other poster or myself, or both of us.

I'll just comment anyhow because it seems like we both live with the same issues on when it comes to household chores.

When I was separated for 6 months I had the energy to do the housework, take care of my children on my own, and work my 40 hour week shift. Add my husband into the mix with his laundry, picking up after him, paying the bills, then yes, I am fricken exhausted. My job is emotionally draining.

Maybe I am depressed because of all this crap piled on me. I have an apt to go speak to my doctor in a couple of weeks because I can't stand feeling this way anymore.

Like I said in a previous post, I have told him to leave if he can't help out around here. He refuses. I am not leaving! I put all the work I needed to get the house I wanted on an acreage. I have two large dogs that are my best friends and most landlords will not allow pets, even if they are outdoors. I'm lucky the landlord here allows it. If I could afford a house in the country I would buy instead of renting. But, country homes here are way out of out of my budget. I am not giving up my dogs to move to town because he can't see that his laziness is ruining our M. I REFUSE to move into town. I would not be happy there. I think I would be more unhappy there than putting up with my husband not picking up after himself. All I ask of him is to pick up after himself and help with his laundry and the dishes. I don't expect him to vacuum, dust, clean the shower or toilets. I just want him to clean up HIS mess! Maybe I would be such a bitch if he just did that.

[OneLife2Live]

Too tired for sex? I'm approaching 60. I can go for a 5 mile hike and we will have sex in the woods. A healthy adult is not too tired for sex.

 

Get out and start running. Get in shape. If you think you don't have energy because of physical exhaustion, then it is a medical issue (I say this as a nurse).

 

You are depressed..mentally exhausted.

I don't know if I can say I am too tired for sex. It's the fact that I'm tired of picking up after him and therefore I am upset with him for not helping take care of his mess. I don't want to have sex with someone who has no respect for how much work I do not only at my job, but at home. I have no desire to have sex with someone who expects me to take care of everything from the bills, taking care of contacting the landlord for issues with the house, and then gets angry because I didn't have time to do something he told me to do.

I would love to start running again. I use to love running when I was younger. But, as soon as I get home around 5:00 pm he expects me to start making supper. I make his supper, eat, then go out and spend time with my dogs. Then he gets mad because I'm outside spending time outdoors with my dogs and doing yard work. He gets pissed because I'm not inside cleaning or doing his laundry. It doesn't happen every day, but it happens a few times a week. When I finally come indoors he says "It's about time you came in." Or there are times he will say "Did you have fun with your dogs?" It's because I'm not inside paying attention to him. But, when I try, he says he ignores me or says "Sssshhhh, I am watching this."

He tells me I need to go for a walk to get back in shape and loose some weight. But, how can I find time to do that when there is dirty dishes and laundry to be washed. If he cooks, he expects me to clean up after him. He says "I cooked, you can clean and wash the dishes. But, yet when I cook (which I do most of the cooking) he refuses to help with the dishes.

 

Maybe I should just start conditioning myself to run again. Screw the mess! I would probably feel better about myself being in shape and loosing some weight.

[Els]

 

Over the last 20 year+ years of our M I have done this, asked for help with the cleaning. He helps, for a day or two, then it goes back to him just sitting in his recliner watching tv, playing video games, or on his computer.

The money is not all his. My whole paycheck is directly deposited into the joint account. He puts a portion of his into our joint, and the rest goes into his savings and his own checking account. I deposit a little more into our joint account. He makes more money than I do. He does help out with extra bills by using the money in his accounts.

 

Given his threats about money, I'd sincerely recommend that you stop depositing your entire paycheck into joint. Get a nest egg of your own so that you will be prepared for the worst case scenario.

[anna121]

How big is this place? Is there a spare room where you can watch tv and sleep?

 

If you won't leave the house, won't hire a cleaner and won't quit your job then you either divorce him (you will be able to get him to move then) or you drastically change your living situation within the rented place.

 

Or continue to be miserable.

 

If you're not getting anything out of it, stop having sex with him.

 

And open your own bank account.

[OneLife2Live]

How big is this place? Is there a spare room where you can watch tv and sleep?

 

If you won't leave the house, won't hire a cleaner and won't quit your job then you either divorce him (you will be able to get him to move then) or you drastically change your living situation within the rented place.

 

Or continue to be miserable.

 

If you're not getting anything out of it, stop having sex with him.

 

And open your own bank account.

We have a tv in our bedroom. Not suppose to as the experts say you shouldn't watch tv in your bed but screw it, I have one.

If I could quit my job or cut my hours to have more time to clean, I would. I don't despise cleaning, it's the constant picking up after him. I could let it go but I would go nuts seeing things laying around.

I'm to the point whete if I need my clothes washed, I'll wash his, but im not going to allow him to nag and bitch about not having jeans. He knows where the washing machine and dryer is.

As for the checking account, I thought about it but I pay all the bills from the joint. I don't feel all my paychecks should go to bills. He needs to provide also. It would be a pita to use two accts. And honestly, I would be shocked if he actually did remove all the money, it's his stupid game trying to scare me into doing his laundry, it doesn't work.

 

Given his threats about money, I'd sincerely recommend that you stop depositing your entire paycheck into joint. Get a nest egg of your own so that you will be prepared for the worst case scenario.

I do agree, I have suggested this to a friend when her own H had an A. His threats of removing the money is a threat. I'm not falling for it. He's threatened this so many times yet has never done it. His scare tactics don't scare me.

[Astrolink]

Given his threats about money, I'd sincerely recommend that you stop depositing your entire paycheck into joint. Get a nest egg of your own so that you will be prepared for the worst case scenario.

 

Worst case scenario is divorce. It doesn't matter who has more or less savings or nest egg; it will be split 50/50 anyway as it's all marital property.

 

I do understand your saying you just take care of things as it's first less work to just do it yourself and second it avoids the nagging. It's exhausting to know you will have to face the "roaring lion" if they don't get their way.

 

I was in your shoes in one point. I finally stood up firmly for myself. My ex initiated divorce in a matter of couple months....it's the best thing that could have happened.

Edited August 10, 2014 by Astrolink