Separated: My husband's exhausted

[Madlove]

My husband of 8 months has been staying at a hotel for 2 weeks now. We had a huge argument before he left. Long story short he has felt unappreciated in our marriage and for most of our relationship prior to marriage ( 3 years). He believes I have put little effort while he has put in the most. I honestly wasn't aware I wasn't doing enough. He has complained about lack of sex before our marriage many times but I never thought he felt unappreciated . We've been in counseling for a month now. From counseling I revealed my history of sexual abuse as a child. He knew about my rape from a previous relationship but didn't know the details of it or my childhood sexual abuse. He wasn't the least bit surprised. The counselor says that in repressing my feelings from my father abandoning me, my sexual abuse by my uncle, and rape by a former boyfriend I truly wasn't aware that I was pushing my boyfriend- now husband away. Although, he understands he can't seem to forgive. He feels he's bent over backwards in our relationship to make me comfortable. He tried to make it easy for me by adapting and I think part of it is him feeling angry with himself for putting up with it. When the counselor asked why he still chooses to live in a hotel even though I've been putting the effort the last two months ( before he moved out and before revealing my sexual abuse) and knows what issues were holding me back he admitted that he has a history of holding grudges. He said if he moved back in he knows he'd continue to be shutdown and withdrawn. He understands what I've been through but he's tired of being patient and having to make the effort. He says he's tired emotionally. My counselor says holding onto his grudge is his way to protect himself from being hurt again.

 

When I asked my husband what he needs me to do he replies "do whatever you want to do". My counselor keeps reminding me that it isn't over and if my husband wanted out he'd already have moved out and he wouldn't be attending the counseling sessions. She says if I give up on the marriage he will too because he's at a place where he is too emotionally drained to fight. I just don't know what to do. I get one word answers from him. When we talk on the phone ( I initiate the calls) he sounds drained talking to me. He doesn't open up. Even asking him to come over is met with an excuse not to see me. I feel like I keep punching a wall and keep getting hurt. I'm seeing someone to try and heal from my past but I'm so scared about my future. Have I lost him? Should I leave him alone?

[Tayken]

Why didn't you disclose your sexual abuse to your husband when you first met....I guess you didn't think it's worth knowing? I hope you realize that you are partly to blame here, and you can't just think lack of sex is a good thing to a relationship?

 

If the shoe was on the other foot and all that...it's the reason most women cheat...i.e. he doesn't look at me the same way / loves me anymore

 

How would you feel if he was a convict and didn't disclose that to you? I personally avoid women with anxiety and depression when I learn about it during dating...I don't want to go down that road

[Madlove]

Why didn't you disclose your sexual abuse to your husband when you first met....I guess you didn't think it's worth knowing? I hope you realize that you are partly to blame here, and you can't just think lack of sex is a good thing to a relationship?

 

If the shoe was on the other foot and all that...it's the reason most women cheat...i.e. he doesn't look at me the same way / loves me anymore

 

How would you feel if he was a convict and didn't disclose that to you? I personally avoid women with anxiety and depression when I learn about it during dating...I don't want to go down that road

 

I pretended the molestation didn't occur. I repressed the events. Out of sight out of mind. I was 8. I buried it and never dealt with. I didn't realize it affected every relationship I had ever been in. My counselor suspected but I didn't acknowledge it until she had me walk her through my life and relationships. She wanted me to see the pattern as a result of what happened. I didn't set out to lie to my husband. If I did I wouldn't have told him about my rape when we first started dating.

 

I don't deny my part in the demise of my marriage. I have acknowledged my role but it was only when I remembered the molestation was I able to recognize the things I was doing (unaware and unintentionally) that was hurting my husband.

[Yasuandio]

Honey, you can't unring the bell of what you didn't know to tell husband before you married. You can't unerring the bell what husvAnd had learned in therapy. Just back off, stop begging and pleading, it makes you look bad, and really, this is your time of need.

 

Your husband is having an ego moment. Screw that, too bad. Go to family or friends. Too bad for him, he feels gypted, fine - let him get an annulment. That is the attitude you need to take. Very simple:

 

EGO PAIN, HOLDING GRUDGES vs REPRESSED SEXUAL ASSAULTS & RAPE

 

Which side of this situation looks most concerning? Husband's ego, shock to learn the truth behind lack of sex (that existed prior to marriage), or wife's childhood trama brought to light during recent therapy sessions post marriage? Duh?

 

Young lady, get yourself into serious therapy - and forget about this guy. Look up the 180's.

 

Actually - I would toss this guy a free do-over. It is sickness and in health, according to vows - but look at this behavior right of the bat! He picked you. You must take care of this psychological issue. That is number one, and it ain't gonna get done at the Holiday Inn, you read me? Yas

Edited August 6, 2014 by Yasuandio

[Madlove]

Honey, you can't unring the bell of what you didn't know to tell husband before you married. You can't unerring the bell what husvAnd had learned in therapy. Just back off, stop begging and pleading, it makes you look bad, and really, this is your time of need.

 

Your husband is having an ego moment. Screw that, too bad. Go to family or friends. Too bad for him, he feels gypted, fine - let him get an annulment. That is the attitude you need to take. Very simple:

 

EGO PAIN, HOLDING GRUDGES vs REPRESSED SEXUAL ASSAULTS & RAPE

 

Which side of this situation looks most concerning? Husband's ego, shock to learn the truth behind lack of sex (that existed prior to marriage), or wife's childhood trama brought to light during recent therapy sessions post marriage? Duh?

 

Young lady, get yourself into serious therapy - and forget about this guy. Look up the 180's.

 

Actually - I would toss this guy a free do-over. It is sickness and in health, according to vows - but look at this behavior right of the bat! He picked you. You must take care of this psychological issue. That is number one, and it ain't gonna get done at the Holiday Inn, you read me? Yas

 

Everything you wrote makes sense. I know it does but my marriage counselor isn't saying this. She said realizing the abuse and admitting it to my husband is a huge step but then she validates his behavior. Basically he endured 3 years of feeling like I've put in no effort and feeling unappreciated and now I must put in the effort for as long as it takes for him to get over his anger. It's like she's saying he has a right to hold a grudge even though he now knows the reasons, he knows it was unintentional, and I have been putting in the effort. I don't want to doubt her, afterall she was the one who helped me remember my abuse.

 

Your right, I have to take care of myself.

[Art_Critic]

 

Your right, I have to take care of myself.

 

Isn't that what your husband is doing or trying to do right now ?

 

Would you have been able to work through the feelings of your past and admit them without his trying to care care of himself ?

 

Maybe he hasn't come back yet because he is afraid you will stop and things will go back to the way they were....

 

I'd bet if you give him time and patience as well as the same understanding you have been giving him that your marriage will turn around

 

Good luck

[Madlove]

Isn't that what your husband is doing or trying to do right now ?

 

Would you have been able to work through the feelings of your past and admit them without his trying to care care of himself ?

 

Maybe he hasn't come back yet because he is afraid you will stop and things will go back to the way they were....

 

I'd bet if you give him time and patience as well as the same understanding you have been giving him that your marriage will turn around

 

Good luck

 

Omg, he said the same thing in bold. He also said he doesn't trust it...that it seems forced and fake and questions if I'm doing it out of desperation.

 

Our marriage counselor said your last sentence but I'm confused by what it means. Do I stop all contact for awhile so he has time or do I continue to do what I've been doing and calling him 2-3x's a week to let him know I' thinking about him and set up a date once a week for us to reconnect. When I ask him if my calling bothers him he says no but when I call he sounds so detached. So I'm confused.

 

The only thing that I'm sure of his that I want to continue individual counseling to deal with my own issues.

[whichwayisup]

Start slow...Have you and your husband had a 'date' night? Go out to dinner, see a movie and keep things light, or go shoot some pool and have some fun.

 

I am sorry to hear about your past, nobody should have to go through that. Please continue doing therapy on your own, find a therapist who specializes in sexual abuse to help you cope with this in a healthy way. Hugs to you..

 

As for your husband, he needs to check his ego and rid of this grudge he has. I get that he is hurting but shutting you out now isn't the right way to handle things, all it does is make it harder to reconnect as a united couple again.

 

Reaffirm your love for him and the desire to stay married.

[Ronni_W]

It's like she's saying he has a right to hold a grudge even though he now knows the reasons, he knows it was unintentional, and I have been putting in the effort.

It may be useful to ask the counselor if that interpretation is actually, in whole or in part, the message she is trying to give.

 

What does your counselor make of your husband saying, "Do whatever you want to do"? Does she have suggestions for how to respond to that?

 

Sometimes, the problem with marriage counselors -- the problem that they have themselves -- is that it's their "job" to keep a marriage together...and they can take it as a professional and/or personal "failure" if a divorce ends up happening...so they can end up flogging a dead horse, as it were...and give one or both of the couple what ends up being false hope.

 

Does your husband know what will help him get over his hurt and anger? (Does he share that type of info, in session?) Is he doing what HE needs to do about healing his own feelings and experience of the past 3 years?

 

Hugs and best.

[Mr. Lucky]

The only thing that I'm sure of his that I want to continue individual counseling to deal with my own issues.

Having once been in a relationship with a survivor of abuse who was dealing with addiction at the same time, I'll say this - it's very hard for the victim/addict to understand what it's like for the other person. Since they're understandably focused on their own issues, the resulting deficit can leave a partner with very little. Your husband's caution and hesitance are probably well earned...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Madlove]

Start slow...Have you and your husband had a 'date' night? Go out to dinner, see a movie and keep things light, or go shoot some pool and have some fun.

 

I am sorry to hear about your past, nobody should have to go through that. Please continue doing therapy on your own, find a therapist who specializes in sexual abuse to help you cope with this in a healthy way. Hugs to you..

 

As for your husband, he needs to check his ego and rid of this grudge he has. I get that he is hurting but shutting you out now isn't the right way to handle things, all it does is make it harder to reconnect as a united couple again.

 

Reaffirm your love for him and the desire to stay married.

 

Before we separated I tried to plan simple outings (movies, dinners) but he was so detached (one word answers) i found myself regretting it because it was clear he wasn't interested in interacting with me.

 

I have to say once our marriage counselor helped me remember my childhood abuse everything became clear. The complaints my husband had about not feeling appreciated or lack of effort were valid. I knew I was holding back. There were times I would want to hug and kiss him but something would hold me back...I would freeze. I thought it was trauma from the rape my counselor (individual) said I repressed the abuse from my childhood and the rape was the straw that broke the camels back.

 

My husband has a right to be angry. I just wish he would give me a chance.

[whichwayisup]

 

My husband has a right to be angry. I just wish he would give me a chance.

Tell him this.

 

Why not write a letter. Pour out your heart and be honest. It's better to put it all out there and show him that you're willing to give it your best, that you are invested long term and for the rest of your life.

[Madlove]

It may be useful to ask the counselor if that interpretation is actually, in whole or in part, the message she is trying to give.

 

What does your counselor make of your husband saying, "Do whatever you want to do"? Does she have suggestions for how to respond to that?

 

Sometimes, the problem with marriage counselors -- the problem that they have themselves -- is that it's their "job" to keep a marriage together...and they can take it as a professional and/or personal "failure" if a divorce ends up happening...so they can end up flogging a dead horse, as it were...and give one or both of the couple what ends up being false hope.

 

Does your husband know what will help him get over his hurt and anger? (Does he share that type of info, in session?) Is he doing what HE needs to do about healing his own feelings and experience of the past 3 years?

 

Hugs and best.

 

My counselor suggests I do what he says "do what I want to do." I never understood it...I thought he was being passive aggressive but he said to me last night after our session that he feels like he doesn't know the real me. He doesn't know if my actions are for his benefit or my own. He believes the former. He might even be right.

 

My counselor tried to investigate why my husband copes by holding grudges. She asked him flat out to give her examples in which he has used grudges and he mentioned his brother. He and his brother don't have a real relationship because of the way his brother treated him when he was young. Apparently, it got worse after his brother was diagnosed with schizophrenia. Even though his brother had a diagnosable disease he had a hard time forgiving him for his past actions. My husband does not know how to cope. He shuts down to protect himself. The counselor hasn't offered advice for how he is coping, only validating it. It makes him feel like someone is on his side, which I guess he needs.

[Madlove]

Having once been in a relationship with a survivor of abuse who was dealing with addiction at the same time, I'll say this - it's very hard for the victim/addict to understand what it's like for the other person. Since they're understandably focused on their own issues, the resulting deficit can leave a partner with very little. Your husband's caution and hesitance are probably well earned...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

It's nice to hear the prospective of the other person in the relationship.

I don't deny he has a right to feel the way he does. I don't want him to handle me with baby gloves now that he knows the full story. I would just like him to open his heart just a little bit. He knows I wasn't intentionally trying to hurt him. He's wounded and I'm trying to show him how much I appreciate him, especially now that know how much he endured. I will keep trying.

[Smilecharmer]

It is wonderful that you are seeking help and healing, but it may be too late for your husband. You can't force him to invest again since he has been emotionally neglected for so long. I think this is a situation where you may have to seperate and heal and then see where that takes you. Chasing him with promises won't be nearly as effective as focusing on healing and showing him a healthy wife later. I'm so sad for you both. I'm also an abuse survivor and it is hard on those who love us. I have a supportive spouse and it was still hard on us.

[Ronni_W]

My husband does not know how to cope. He shuts down to protect himself.

For me, I would want to find out if my husband WANTS to learn more adult ways of coping...even if not right now, does he want to AT ALL?

 

Your counseling sessions sounds a lot like how ours went...my hubby was there physically but that was all, which really is just useless and a waste of everyone's time, effort, money. With hindsight, I'm not even sure if mine had the first inkling that keeping the marriage together meant that it was also about him learning and growing and changing things both within himself and how he was doing the relationship.

 

I do wish for you that things improve to point where you're both happy.

[Madlove]

Update: My husband and I have now been separated for 6 weeks. He's still staying in a hotel near his job. My husband's job is almost 1 hr & 20 mins from our apartment. He has his certification exam (oral boards) at the end of October. He's been completely invested in studying for this exam. Failing this exam will affect his current job status and whether he gets a fellowship (basically his career is on the line). He's under a great deal of pressure and can not "deal" with our marriage right now. When I ask him why he chooses to stay in a hotel he admits the commute home (which can take up to 2 hours into the city) is exhausting and cuts into his studying time.

 

He is mentally, physically, and emotionally exhausted. When I try to talk to him, he doesn't engage (I get one word answers). I initiate all calls and texts. He doesn't call me. It's like he doesn't want to be bothered with me. When I ask him if he needs space, he doesn't give me an answer. If I ask him what he wants me to do, he says he doesn't know. My counselor and others think that he can't deal with our marriage issues and focus on his exam….that I should continue to make the effort (the very thing he accused me of not doing throughout our relationship).

 

It's difficult to be there for him when he doesn't engage. The last time I went to see him at his hotel, he studied the entire time. I went all the way there to be with him and he couldn't give me time. Although, he warned me before I arrived he had work to do, we hadn't seen each other in a week or so and I thought he would at least take a small break and spend time with me. I've offered many time to give him the space his needs to study but when I ask him he doesn't give me an answer. I'm afraid to just give him the space and thenhe later accuses me of not being there for him (not making the effort). Our therapist thinks he' conflicted, that he doesn't say he wants space because he knows I'll give it to him. She keeps telling me not to give up. She says the fact that he still attends the counseling sessions (though he missed the last 2 because he had review sessions for his exam) and doesn't say he wants out means he wants to work on the relationship. She believes the exam is his priority right now and that he not only doesn't have time for me, he doesn't have time for himself.

 

The lack of effort on his part is discouraging. I understand what he's going through, however it's difficult trying to be there for someone who clearly has no time for me. I don't know what to do anymore.

[Yasuandio]

Listen, Girl. I don't like this guy's conduct, as you know. That said, I'm going to give you some advice despite his mistreatment of you. I'm going to cut the guy some slack, maybe he's shock - who knows. But he is supposed to be a Man and a husband.

 

This is what you HAVE TO do.

 

1. Stop bugging him.

 

2. Stop asking questions.

 

3. Stop visits, unless you are invited.

 

4. No text, phone, or smoke signals.

 

5. Go to your own therapy.

 

6. Don't discuss marital issues outside MC office.

 

7. Stop acting needy and clingy.

 

8. Check out the 180's in my sig line, and do it moderately.

 

9. DO NOT INTERFER again with his study time by showing up or calling and whining, getting him all emotional. You have to STOP IT. If he fails that exam - he will blaim it on you and your issues - and that might be partially true.

 

So don't rock the boat any more, hon. Put yourself in his shoes. (I don't like him a bit). But, I can grasp that a shocking revelation and a full-time job would be all I could take - let alone STUDYING FOR A DIFFICULT EXAM. It would be too much for me too - but I would at least re-assure my spouse that everything is going to be ok (there is where he is guilty - and I don't like that insensivity at all). But forget it. Demonstrate to your weak husband what it looks like to be STRONG in the face of shock.

 

You never know how someone will relate to a shock. For example, I was put in a shocking situation, and shortly after I developed Bi-Polar 2 dis-order (it is down the line in my family, but I never had a symptom until that event). My entire personality and behavior changed. You never know what will happen. The last thing you need is for him to get bitter about failing the exam.

 

You must live alone for now, as your new self, in solitude and reflection to work through and accept these terrible things that have happened to you, and the possibility that there may fall-out, and your marriage could end. I want to give you a graphic example, to help you understand why your husband "may" consider divorce:

 

Example

 

Again, switch scenerios, and try to imagine if you married a man that had active relations with his mother during his teenage years - "after" you learned in therapy after you married him. You know his Mom well, because he lived with his Mom when you were dating, and participated in many family events with your husband. Wouldn't you feel weird? Do you comprehend how repulsive that is? It is always good to put the shoe on the other foot).

 

Your Possible Reaction

 

When you learn this, it makes sense his sex trouble, and aloofness. You are working full time and have an exam. You are repulsed by this whole matter. It is a disgusting tragedy - you can't even look at him right now, you have to go away for awhile. You are going mad with those pictures in your head, of how horrible it might have for him, to be raped like by an adult. He is just dropping by like nothing happened, begging crying, texting, - you can't take anymore. You need time to process. You need peace of mind to prepare for exam - you must pass this exam! Oh no, he's at the door! END

--------------------------------

 

I'm sure this example gave you a picture of the other side of the coin, which I certainly do not excuse, but understand. I'm sure you know to stay away. Accept whatever decision he comes. It will take a long time to process. At some point, he may decide, leaving you was the wrong choice. You may or may not forgive him for ABANDONING YOU IN YOUR TIME OF NEED. Yes, that's right. In marriage vow, it is for "better or worse, sickness and in health, so help me God."

 

Do not forget that his complete withdrawal during your mental health crisis is inexcusable. The fact he has given you no sign of reassurance is a bad sign to me. For you to be crying, begging, pleading is to REWARD hidious unacceptable behavior. That is why you must do 180, plus, and cut a little slack due to the shock.

 

There is always good that you can found in a bad situation. Now you can restore your personhood - this is what is important in the larger scheme of things, for you to know your real self again - it is going to be a long journey. This is a good thing. And it might be best that you do it alone - consider that possibily. The shock to you has to be 100 greater than his shock. If you do not focus on healing YOURSELF, your insides will eat you. I promise that.

 

You are not the same person he married, but IMO, he should love you more, and his manly protector instincts should take over. But everyone has opinion.

 

Let the guy process this, and get thru the exam. Then accept his decision. He will regret leaving you, if that is what he decides. But agree to anything he wishes. Do not try to barter or beg. Just say, "As you wish." that is the best thing you can do. Read and listen to the Homer tapes, especially the 3 sentence method (sig line). He is controversial - but has some freak philosophies sited. That is my revised take. Yas

 

Somehow, I think it was inappropriate for your husband to be a part of that

portion of your therapy. But the milk is spilled. You do not have to share this information with anyone.

Edited August 25, 2014 by Yasuandio

[Madlove]

Yas, I am for giving him his space, however his major complaint has been my lack of effort in our relationship. He resents me for not appreciating him and doesn't believe I'm capable of making the effort (he actually said that). He said he was tired of being the pursuer in our relationship. The truth is if it wasn't for therapy helping me realize why I was holding back I would've made the decision to end my marriage. He would've been right, I would've given up with little effort.

 

I truly want him to focus on his exam. I want to give him his space. My fear is that if I pull back he'll accuse me of still not making an effort. That is why I keep asking him if he wants me to give him space. He doesn't give a straight answer...actually he gives no answer. He knows if he said yes, I really would give him his space and he would resent me for it.

 

Our therapist believes that if I stop making the effort, then I would be showing him that I'm incapable of being there for him. She said if it was a situation where he said he wanted out of the marriage then she would advise me to move on but it isn't the case. She said he already has the space he needs (distance) but he also needs a wife who supports him...checks in on him, sets one night a week to get his mind off his exam, send random texts or calls once or twice a week reminding him that I am here and that I love him. (I should be the pursuer). She also said the time we are apart (while he's studying) I should be working on myself (I have a separate therapist for my other issues), going out with friends, go to the gym, etc. She said once the exam is over he'll have the time and energy to focus on our marriage.

 

I understand what the therapist is saying but sometimes I just want to cut all communication. It's better than feeling discouraged every time my efforts aren't reciprocated. It hurts too much.

[Yasuandio]

Honey - if you start biting your arm, very hard, what happens? It hurts, right? If you went to the doctor and told this story, the doctor will give you a cure for the pain you feel when you bit your arm: STOP BITING YOUR ARM.

 

If you do not want to be hurt, STOP putting yourself in situations where you can get hurt. Very simple.

 

Next, what should you do when some says they are concerned about your future behavior? Here are a few examples:

 

1. "I'm worried you may not be there for me in the future." Answer: I have no control over what you choose to worry about.

 

2. "I believe you are incapable of making the effort." If that is the case, believe what you want to believe. [End conversation because that was insulting. Let him come to you if there is another conversation].

 

3. "You don't provide my the proper attention." [This requires homework]. Get on the computer and keep a record of the facts. Number of calls, texts, visits, numbers days gone, only facts about contact and attent you have attempted alto provide, and the response. That is easy, just look at your phone bill - then you can write on your chart "call not returned." write all the calls and visits, etc., that he did. Facts only. Update chart daily, and keep a fresh update in you handbag.

 

Start sending a nice card every week that says I miss you. Stop by for a visit, bring something to eat, when he gets rude, just say, real cheerfully, "sounds like you are a little grumpy today, I guess it's time for me to leave!" Then walk out. Cheerful, cheerful, and look great, too. No matter what, you have to go. Don't stay.

 

When he says that dumb question, "you don't provide proper attention." Then pull that chart out your purse. And say, "Really, I thought I was doing a good job, according to my records!". But I live at 123 Apple Street, what do you expect, room service? I gotta be somewhere." Then leave.

 

Any other accusation, the answer is:

 

"Believe what you want to believe."

 

"That is something I have no control over."

 

"That is your choice."

 

"As you wish."

 

"I don't feel the need to be so serious, let's just keep it lite!"

 

I hope these ideas help you field some of the crap being thrown at you. Practice these phases, and how and when you might need to say them. The chart thing might be your private therapist's assignment (to assist you in improving - right). Yas

 

 

Or "It is your choice to have that perspective.

 

Don't discuss anything.

[Mr. Lucky]

Update: My husband and I have now been separated for 6 weeks. He's still staying in a hotel near his job. My husband's job is almost 1 hr & 20 mins from our apartment. He has his certification exam (oral boards) at the end of October. He's been completely invested in studying for this exam. Failing this exam will affect his current job status and whether he gets a fellowship (basically his career is on the line). He's under a great deal of pressure and can not "deal" with our marriage right now.

Think you have to look at it this way - were you happily married, your relationship would be on hold right now. Had a friend with a great marriage who slept in the guest room during his residency, just easier for him. Some of these academic hurdles are all encompassing, just the nature of the deal.

 

Back off and let him finish. Deliver the occasional note and home-cooked meal. Let him get through this and some time to decompress, I'll bet he'll be more engaged. Good luck and keep posting...

 

Mr. Lucky

[beatcuff]

Yas, I am for giving him his space

 

OP by texting, calling, visiting you have NOT given him his space. you are unfortunately reinforcing what he already knows: too needy. hence he is exhausted.

 

he needs time to miss you. as much as it seems wrong ---- by going 180 you will appear more confident and more willing to move forward (not back to the way it was after the storm ends).

 

you should start IC.

 

lastly when MC or H says something in the session you do not understand (which by your responses is often), ask follow up questions: "what do you mean" or better "can you rephrase that". then repeat it in your own words. MC will not work if one person does not 'get it'.

 

good luck.

[WasOtherWoman]

Sorry!! Wrong thread!!

 

WOW

[aMguilts]

madlove

 

 

listen to what Yas is saying to you

 

 

I agree totally

 

 

Stop trying to please him

you need to look after yourself

 

 

aM

[bigman1]

Mad,

 

You can't go from checked out to being clingy. That just pisses him off more. he sees that as you caring more about you than him.

 

I say own your sh*t. Tell him that he was right about your checking out or not pursuing him. Validate that feeling, then immediately say, "If I was able to see the problem and fix it on my own I would have. I could not and I am getting help".

 

Then tell him, he can have space, BUT since you don't want to lose him, you are going to check in with him, send him a text for which you would like a quick reply. That you will call him at a certain time just to hear his voice even though he is only going to give you one word answers and the call could be 3 minutes of conversation or three minutes of you asking questions and him giving you one word answers, but that you are going to call. That you want him to know that you care about him and how he is feeling. That you hope he does well on the test. Send him an encouraging text each night.

 

As for that encouraging text, do that every day for a week, then ask him if he reads them. Ask him if he likes them. Then tell him that you will keep doing it for a little bit. Sometimes you have to soothe our bruised egos and calm our angry minds. The only thing worse than a being a little baby is being a big baby.

 

Then you have to be very clear to tell him the following: "Don't hold a grudge against me." Don't put any "or else" with it. If he ask why, you just say it again.

 

The key is to be consistent, not clingy. Give him space, but not distance. To be sure, he is gonna have to suck it up and stop being a baby, too. Moving into a hotel and spending money at that rate is a bit wasteful. 40 minutes saved is not earth shattering. He's had long enough to be angry. Working on a marriage may just be living in the house with you right now. That ain't hard. I took the bar exam, everything was riding on that, I needed quiet and a schedule. I didn't need a freaking hotel. Of course, if you think that he's gonna blame failing on you, give him all the space he needs so that you are blameless.

 

Finally, neither of you are blameless. You can't take all the blame. In marriage its 50/50. he could have suggested counseling, demanded counseling. All of that you are not doing enough for me is bullshyte.

Edited August 27, 2014 by bigman1
clarity