Abusive mom living with me.

[Frankisme]

Hi,

 

I’m writing because I’m desperate. I’m a female in my late 20’s, I have a young baby and a wonderful husband who loves me and is nothing but supportive. I also have a mother who is controlling and abusive who we ‘let’ come live with us for the past two years. When I was young mom was physically abusive and now just verbally and emotionally. So ill try to make it short.

 

My mom made me move to the states right before I was set to graduate college because she got into a huge amount of credit card debit. She was hoping that I will work really hard as a nanny or whatever and send her all the money I make to pay off her debt. I did work for a long time from 5am to sometimes 1am in the morning and send her all the money which I don’t know if she used it just to live her life or pay off the debt. While here in this country it was hard, I couldn’t get work sometimes and I ended up with the wrong guys just because they were providing money. Mom was caring for my sick 85 year old grandma who I loved more than anything and raised me, so I justified my actions to tell myself I was doing it to provide for her. After being involved with wrong guys and abusive employers for a few years I met my husband in a good way and he is amazing he has helped me not only emotionally to become a happier person who now deals with most things emotional from a place of love, that’s after I abused him physically, verbally and emotionally at the start but I soon grew in to a better well grounded and successful adult. I do love him.

 

After we married, the interracial aspect of it set my mom off. She told me that she hoped that this wouldn’t work and hoped that I would get deported and I would need of her again (ofcourse she’s the one who needs me financially, we’re pay the remainder of her mortgage and sent her money for a few years). Anyway these types of criticisms are the norm from her- anything I do there is always a negative angle that she makes up to take a slight at me.

 

Mom lived with grandma her entire adult life and had a adolescent style immature dependency on grandma even though mom herself was in fact a doctor who earned a descent living. After my grandmother died, mom seemed to be going downhill quick living alone. Shortly later mom ‘fell’ down the stairs and severely injured her ankle requiring extensive surgery- these events combined with her regular guilt trips that I wasn’t being a good daughter taking care of her, I caved in and brought her into the country to live with my husband and myself. She was calling me every day lamenting about how miserable her existence was, and of course I’ve been condition to think that I OWE her because according to her narrative she “gave up so much” to have me, my dad “was horrible”, and that she was a “single mom”, she would “wake at 5am to leave clean diapers and work just so “her daughter” can have a decent living and blah blah.

 

She has always been abusive, demanding, never satisfied with my accomplishments, ect. When she wants something she wants its “now”. I adopted a passive nature for coping, but now that I have a baby, I want to break any cycles of emotional abuse, control, co-dependency ect and raise a happy family.

 

So here is the current situation (sorry, I’m trying to keep this as short as possible). Mom has been living with us for 2 years now and my daughter is less than a year old. My husband and I are coming to the sad realization that in trying to help my mom we’ve just opened ourselves up to a bad situation. Wife, husband and daughter are a happy successful family. Meanwhile, mom is the same old person who manipulates and degrades me on a daily basis. She’s over possessive of the baby and I even caught her fake ‘breast feeding’ the baby herself the other day. Our house is becoming “her house”. And she does not follow my wishes of how I want the baby cared for. Instead she does it her way and makes sure to tell me that my way is wrong.

 

Currently we are in a stand off. It’s been three days since we have talked she is barricaded in her room, which happens to have the closet with all my clothes and stuff and I can’t go in because I don’t want to talk to her. I don’t know how to make it all better, my instincts is to go apologize and cry for mercy to her (which I usually do to end these type of dramas) but then we’ll just start the same vicious cycle. Part of me is telling me “enough!” send her back home and don’t look back… she already ****ed me up, I cant let her do that to my baby.

 

Although she provides some childcare when my husband or I are working, sometimes I feel like her help comes at a very high price, but we are now financially secure enough that I’m actually working from home and being a full time stay at home mom- so I guess I’m not as dependent on her help anymore. There is not a day that I don’t wake up feeling like I’m worthless, like when she says “she is busy all day” not like me who sits around and does nothing, I cant even eat fast enough since I don’t know what is like to work, I’m a horrible wife because I don’t cook everyday or iron my husbands shirts, I’m a horrible mom because I don’t supplement milk with formula or because I chose to cuddle my baby instead of letting her cry herself to sleep and toughen her up, I’m a bad daughter because I don’t take care of her (my mom’s) every single need, or I’m not a millionaire to give her a lavish life. I’m even a bad dog owner because I don’t bathe them every week or **** like that, worst thing of all I feel like wont be able to send her home, I will worry every day for her or she will call me everyday and make my life a living hell, I’m too empathetic. I feel like this is ruining my marriage, my life, everything, I don’t know if I can take the confrontation of telling her to leave. If we do tell her it’s time to leave, we know there’s going to be tons of drama (she has a habit of collapsing out in the front yard so that all the neighbors can see). And one time we even had to call the cops to take her to the psych hospital for an evaluation when she was threatening suicide. Of course she shaped up quick once she was there, but how do we deal with this type of person now that we might really tell her enough is enough and she needs to leave?

[Smilecharmer]

You stop allowing her to emotionally and mentally manipulate you and you tell her it is time for her to go. You have no responsibility or obligation to a child abuser and I sure would not let her around any kids of mine. What are you thinking? Change your locks, ask her where you can take her and tell her to just get out.

[MoreCoffee]

You endure or you set her packing. That's it. You get a court order, Dr. letter to get her committed, whatever it takes.

Edited August 6, 2014 by MoreCoffee

[EverLastluv]

I feel sorry for you! First of all you put your self in that situtation! you know how your mother was abusive while growing up, you know she hacked every penny you were making and still you moved her in with you to keep ruining your life. You bring her into your life now to ruined your child life ....... way to go! you need to snap out of it and stop worrying what happend if u send her back. Im pretty sure the doctor can care for her or some family members.

 

 

One thing for sure I know, not all mothers is "mother"! Any woman can have a child, but its how you mothered your child. My mother NEVER ask for a penny from me, no matter if she dont have!

 

Good luck!

[pteromom]

Although she provides some childcare when my husband or I are working

 

Wait... you are letting someone who was physically abusive to you watch your baby?!?! NO. No matter what else you do, never let this happen again. The reason she isn't physically abusive with you now isn't because she learned some kind of lesson. It's because you are big enough to fight back and send her to jail. Your baby isn't. Do not place your baby in danger with this woman.

 

I chose to cuddle my baby instead of letting her cry herself to sleep and toughen her up, I’m a bad daughter because I don’t take care of her (my mom’s) every single need, or I’m not a millionaire to give her a lavish life.

 

Yes, because she did such a wonderful job parenting, that you should want to be like her. And you should want your daughter to feel worthless like you do.

 

If we do tell her it’s time to leave, we know there’s going to be tons of drama (she has a habit of collapsing out in the front yard so that all the neighbors can see). And one time we even had to call the cops to take her to the psych hospital for an evaluation when she was threatening suicide. Of course she shaped up quick once she was there, but how do we deal with this type of person now that we might really tell her enough is enough and she needs to leave?

 

You need to tell her to leave. Expect the drama and steel yourself against it. Do not argue with her or buy into it. Do not apologize. "Thank you for your help, but we are ready to just be a family on our own now."

 

If she threatens suicide, call the cops again. If she goes to the psych hospital, you can move all her things out while she is there.

 

Once you have her out of the house, you need some intensive therapy yourself. I respect that you want to end the cycle, but you aren't equipped to do it on your own. You need to learn that you are valuable and learn to trust your own instincts. Otherwise, once you get your mom out, her voice inside your head is just going to take over for her.

 

Be strong. You can do this. Once she is out of your house, she has no power over you.

[d0nnivain]

As Eleanor Roosevelt so famously observed: No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.

 

You & your husband need to start putting your foot down. Remind your mom that she's a guest in your home & that you are a mom yourself now. When she complains suggest that she might be happier living alone. When she criticizes you, say things like "thanks for your input but I'm content to do things my way in my home. I hope you understand."

[KaliLove]

Wait... you are letting someone who was physically abusive to you watch your baby?!?! NO. No matter what else you do, never let this happen again. The reason she isn't physically abusive with you now isn't because she learned some kind of lesson. It's because you are big enough to fight back and send her to jail. Your baby isn't. Do not place your baby in danger with this woman.

 

 

 

Yes, because she did such a wonderful job parenting, that you should want to be like her. And you should want your daughter to feel worthless like you do.

 

 

 

You need to tell her to leave. Expect the drama and steel yourself against it. Do not argue with her or buy into it. Do not apologize. "Thank you for your help, but we are ready to just be a family on our own now."

 

If she threatens suicide, call the cops again. If she goes to the psych hospital, you can move all her things out while she is there.

 

Once you have her out of the house, you need some intensive therapy yourself. I respect that you want to end the cycle, but you aren't equipped to do it on your own. You need to learn that you are valuable and learn to trust your own instincts. Otherwise, once you get your mom out, her voice inside your head is just going to take over for her.

 

Be strong. You can do this. Once she is out of your house, she has no power over you.

 

This times a million. You have to be strong for your baby. Don't expose her to the same kind of upbringing that you had. You need to get your mom out of your house immediately.

 

Also..the fake breastfeeding is just creepy and disgusting.

[bathtub-row]

Your mother is nothing but an actress and a manipulator. Pretend breast feeding?? Are you kidding me? She is VERY messed up and you need to remove her from your house and, preferably, from your life. This woman wouldn't get within a hundred yards of my kid.

 

Any parent who makes you feel worthless and obligated is just begging to be cut off from her family. I'm afraid that if you don't do something about this, it's going to screw up your marriage and your child.