The those that remain single have issues?

[GemmaUK]

Good points, I think when people...even if they are actively looking, are only doing it to suit their own agenda than the person they are interested in.

 

For instance, a woman that has some kind of goal of being married with children by the age of 30 so she give interrogative questions at speed dating events.

 

Yes.

I get these kind of questions from men I date..it worries me as I wonder why they think a 45 yo female might give healthy children...it is possible but realistically.. er...not likely.

 

The last guy I dated asked me if I got pregnant what would I do.

I said I would abort.

He went ballistic! I was 44 he was 42, he still lived with his parents and worked away all week living in his truck!!!

 

How was he going to help me with a baby?? Probably an unhealthy one??

You know the moment/s when you just think... *rolleyes*

[kolleamm]

Yes.

I get these kind of questions from men I date..it worries me as I wonder why they think a 45 yo female might give healthy children...it is possible but realistically.. er...not likely.

 

The last guy I dated asked me if I got pregnant what would I do.

I said I would abort.

He went ballistic! I was 44 he was 42, he still lived with his parents and worked away all week living in his truck!!!

 

How was he going to help me with a baby?? Probably an unhealthy one??

You know the moment/s when you just think... *rolleyes*

 

That's too funny! LOL If I ever had a kid with you I would abort, nice

[mikethemechanic]

There's also temporary psychosis caused by drugs, alcohol is a biggie. The old adage is it poor mental health or addiction?

 

Then there's the weirdos I read one thread on here where somebody who is in a relationship makes profiles on dating sites and says that flirting is a good thing as long as the S.O isn't flirting on them.

Edited August 6, 2014 by mikethemechanic

[Weezy1973]

The vast majority of adults are in relationships (something like 80%). Therefore, it can easily be assumed that if you're an adult, and you want to be in a relationship, you will succeed. And for those that don't succeed, likely there is something relationship specific wrong. Something is preventing them from doing something that virtually every other adult can accomplish.

 

Keep in mind, this does not include those that would prefer to be single (although the case can be made that there's something wrong with that as well).

 

And when I say 'wrong' I don't mean unworthy of love or anything like that. For example, I'm 42 and single, and I've been diagnosed with a severe social anxiety disorder. I've been to therapy and I'm way better now, but without a doubt, that has limited my relationship success. And to be clear, I've had many relationships throughout my life...

 

I also had a great example of a relationship with my parents, and many, many people do not. Who knows what kind of difficulty that brings in forming relationships?

 

Point being - for most people that want to be in a relationship - they can do it relatively easily. Then there's the rest of us. We discuss things on LoveShack.

[hotpotato]

Speaking from a guys point of view, there are so many messed up women out there that rejection and perennial singledom is in some ways validation that you DON'T have any issues!

 

For all the guys who got rejected for allegedly being weird/creepy/too nice/some kind of social stigma you have a high chance of finding a girl who rejected him then hooked up with a guy that made her life a misery and she validates his behaviour by putting up with it.

 

Swings and roundabouts. Singles aren't ****ed up- PEOPLE are ****ed up.

 

Hey now...I can say the same for women sometimes!

 

My first ex left me for a woman who eventually stabbed him the neck. The second one is with a woman who posted pics of her baby covered in dollar bills and who likes thugs. I guess whatever rocks their world! The latter would say I was the nicest girl he had ever dated.

[irc333]

Yeah, no doubt, men do it too....and it's a bit of an act of sabotage, you can't be asking questions like that right off the bat...kind of ease into it, go with the flow, or cross that bridge when you get to it.

 

Not these rapid fire lines of questioning. lol

 

 

Yes.

I get these kind of questions from men I date..it worries me as I wonder why they think a 45 yo female might give healthy children...it is possible but realistically.. er...not likely.

 

The last guy I dated asked me if I got pregnant what would I do.

I said I would abort.

He went ballistic! I was 44 he was 42, he still lived with his parents and worked away all week living in his truck!!!

 

How was he going to help me with a baby?? Probably an unhealthy one??

You know the moment/s when you just think... *rolleyes*

[insert_name]

Hey now...I can say the same for women sometimes!

 

My first ex left me for a woman who eventually stabbed him the neck. The second one is with a woman who posted pics of her baby covered in dollar bills and who likes thugs. I guess whatever rocks their world! The latter would say I was the nicest girl he had ever dated.

 

Oh I'm not trying to make out that guys have it harder (in this circumstance at least) but I'm not a woman so can only speak from a guys point of view.

 

But my overall point is that its not a matter of gender or relationship status.

[Anela]

Of course, this may have been mentioned tons of times, but I am thinking that those that remain single (while others get married). Though, they may be great personality-wise, there's always some kind of underlying issue.

 

Aren't you single? What's your issue?

 

There are plenty of people in relationships, who have issues.

[preraph]

There are plenty of people in relationships, who have issues.

 

 

A very good point. In fact, nearly everyone has issues once you get to know them well enough!

[Priv]

I think issues are overrated. According to this research 1 in 5 Americans have had some kind of mental illness in the past year (just the past year!):

 

 

National report finds one-in-five Americans experienced mental illness in the past year

 

 

Not making this an American thing, no doubt no different where I am from. And those figures are proper clinical illnesses. Forget the 'b*tches' or the 'a**holes', who maybe have very minor issues that the DSM does not even account for. But it is highly unlikely you or your partner will remain issue free and stable throughout the course of your lifetime. I also think people in general and partners specifically should be a lot more understanding of that.

 

 

But I do agree with the statement. People in happy relationships are less prone to depression, and a depressed person/anxiety disorder/whatever is less likely to succesfully enter a relationship.

[Priv]

The second one is with a woman who posted pics of her baby covered in dollar bills and who likes thugs.

 

I saw an image of the spring break movie reading that. I like!

[MissBee]

I don't think this is true...

 

But even if it were wouldn't it be better if people with such issues remain single?

 

A more concerning problem seems to be that people with these kinds of issues don't stay single and many people are married to, have children with or are dating personality disordered people or people with issues which prevent them from being suitable parents and partners...but there they are doing it anyway.

 

From several of your posts it seems like you buy into the idea that singleness is a sign of being defective in some way and buy into the "cult of relationships" where being coupled means all is right with you and validates your existence. But it's not true. Single doesn't mean anything is wrong with you. One can surely be single with issues or some "defect" which leaves you single against your will but not everyone is single against their will and is desperately trying to date but can't...for many it's a choice and if they have issues I still stand by the idea that it's wiser to recognize your issues and choose singleness because of them rather than those people who still have issues but instead fling themselves into relationships or serially date....serially dating or simply being in any kind of relationship isn't a sign of success or mental health, often times relationships are what help people to play out their issues and often people with issues LOVE to use relationships as a distraction from them. So actually for me I tend to look at people who go from relationship to relationship and who are never single for long as a red flag more than someone who is single for a long time.

Edited August 7, 2014 by MissBee

[mikethemechanic]

I think issues are overrated. According to this research 1 in 5 Americans have had some kind of mental illness in the past year (just the past year!):

 

 

National report finds one-in-five Americans experienced mental illness in the past year

 

 

Not making this an American thing, no doubt no different where I am from. And those figures are proper clinical illnesses. Forget the 'b*tches' or the 'a**holes', who maybe have very minor issues that the DSM does not even account for. But it is highly unlikely you or your partner will remain issue free and stable throughout the course of your lifetime. I also think people in general and partners specifically should be a lot more understanding of that.

 

 

But I do agree with the statement. People in happy relationships are less prone to depression, and a depressed person/anxiety disorder/whatever is less likely to succesfully enter a relationship.

You're right! People with anti-social disorders,anxiety and social phobias tend too stay single.

[KatZee]

...but I am thinking that those that remain single (while others get married). Though, they may be great personality-wise, there's always some kind of underlying issue.

 

But it seems those that remain single have some kind of mental issue that keeps them single.

 

I'm just noticing that those that struggle in dating tend to encounter these types. I guess as long as they are on their meds, its cool...but there comes a time when they get lazy and may lapse in taking them?

 

If it's not that, it's some kind of behavioural condition like low self esteem, grew up spoiled, or have this "It's my way or the highway" types.

 

 

0_o

 

For the record, I am SINGLE, single for over two years now. I am not bi-polar, nor do I have depression, ADHD, ADD, I have not been diagnosed as a sociopath, or a psychopath, I do not suffer from low self esteem, or a "my way or the highway" mentality, although I have been fortunate in my life, I would not consider myself "spoiled."

 

I'm just noticing that those that struggle in dating tend to encounter these types. I guess as long as they are on their meds, its cool...but there comes a time when they get lazy and may lapse in taking them?

 

Wait... what?????!

 

I have a group of girlfriends and we are ALL single, single for years. And no, none of us is on medication, none of us suffers from anxiety, social anxiety/phobia or anything else.

 

I recall someone on here that when people seek out mates, they do so for their OWN agenda (must be married and have kids by the age of 30) and could really care less about their mates wants and desires.

 

Common sense would tell me that anyone who is getting married due to their own agenda and without one iota of care for their spouses and desires are the ones who are mentally ill. NOT the single ones. I've also have sat in the sidelines and watched complete mental cases get boyfriend after boyfriend. Meanwhile my friends and I struggle to get a man to even lock down a REAL date. I notice that men tend to LOCK DOWN psychos faster than they lock down normal, or sane chicks. And yes, I've had this confirmed by many guys I've spoken with and it basically comes down to 1: excitement, 2: the idea that "crazy chicks are better in bed."

 

You know why I'm single? Not because I need medication. It's because I know what I want, what I'm looking for, and what I deserve, and I REFUSE to settle for someone that doesn't make me feel a certain way, or who doesn't bring much to the table. Many men are lazy daters these days. Minimal effort for maximum gain. I don't play those games.

 

Someone's going to need to bring their A-game, or I'll just remain single. Very simple. I am very happy being single. I have such a long list of things to do, things I want to experience, and I just don't want to be tied down to someone, not ready for that at all yet.

Edited August 7, 2014 by KatZee

[Disillusioned]

Of course, this may have been mentioned tons of times, but I am thinking that those that remain single (while others get married). Though, they may be great personality-wise, there's always some kind of underlying issue.

 

I always see these posts about Bi-Polar types....there seems to be an influx of these posts online on LS about how they are dating or got the heck out of dodge when they discovered this or some other psychosis going on with them.

 

Of course then there's the ADHD or ADD. These newly trending conditions as well.

 

But it seems those that remain single have some kind of mental issue that keeps them single. Ever notice this as a trend? Though I'm not perfect by any means, I know I have my flaws, but I don't consider myself Bi-Polar or have panic attacks.

 

I'm just noticing that those that struggle in dating tend to encounter these types. I guess as long as they are on their meds, its cool...but there comes a time when they get lazy and may lapse in taking them?

 

If it's not that, it's some kind of behavioural condition like low self esteem, grew up spoiled, or have this "It's my way or the highway" types.

 

I recall someone on here that when people seek out mates, they do so for their OWN agenda (must be married and have kids by the age of 30) and could really care less about their mates wants and desires.

 

You seem to assume that all of us who've had no luck in starting (and keeping) a relationship are mental defectives. Well, many of us are not.

 

By nature, I'm not confrontational, and I don't hit on women even if I know them personally.

 

In my case, I haven't found my tribe yet.

[bathtub-row]

If I titled this post, I'd entitle it Unicorns...

 

After 3 train wrecks (failed marriages), I've been single for 10 years now and, in my mind, being single beats being in a miserable marriage any day of the week.

 

I've never been told I have a mental illness or anything along those lines. I'm in my 50's and don't take a single medication for a single thing. I grew up in a very normal home and I'm discovering that that in itself is about as rare as a unicorn. I think the real trick for all of us is finding someone who has a similar background that we have. For me, that has kind of been like searching for a unicorn. Not to say that I'm perfect by any stretch, or anything of that kind. However, over the years, I have learned that I have an extremely low tolerance for bad behavior and I've seen a lot of that in marriages. It seems a lot of guys think that once they've 'got you', they can behave in any manner they want. And, most of the time, no matter how much they know it will wreck their lives, they simply cannot control their behavior.

 

I look at marriages all the time and, for the most part, I don't envy them at all. The majority of people are faking it and they're pretending to be happy and connected. There are a few truly happy couples out there. They're also like unicorns.

 

If I don't find the unicorn, I'm perfectly happy to be on my own. I need a man who's in control of his life, who connects deeply with me, who controls his own happiness and his emotions/temper. Nowdays, I can spot the "drama kings" from a hundred miles away (and that's about as close to me as I want them to get).

 

Being single is not my first choice, but I know what it's like to be married and miserable and I simply cannot do that under any circumstances ever again. I'm not even sure I'd ever marry again at this point. I think I'd be very happy just having a steady and devoted boyfriend.

[mikethemechanic]

Other than poor mental health people who are single may lack social skills. They insecure and unconfidant about their self-worth. They're doubtful about their ability to do well in social settings. Many are inhibited.

[Moonborn]

The vast majority of adults are in relationships (something like 80%).

 

Could you link a reference for this?

 

Other than poor mental health people who are single may lack social skills. They insecure and unconfidant about their self-worth. They're doubtful about their ability to do well in social settings. Many are inhibited.

 

Sorry but I am unable to see how the things you are saying are linked with being single. I could see some logic in saying that people with the problems you describe tend to stay single, but saying the opposite is not necessarily true imo.

Edited August 8, 2014 by Moonborn

[irc333]

Perhaps I should have rephrase the post

 

OK for the record. My post here seems to have raised ire on here. I'm not saying that ALL those that are single are mentally defective. But im saying I seem to be coming across these types. ... but don't really notice or trying to engage the intensity. A prev post seems to indicate those wit scial anxiety tend to have a hard time. Etc.

 

 

You seem to assume that all of us who've had no luck in starting (and keeping) a relationship are mental defectives. Well, many of us are not.

 

By nature, I'm not confrontational, and I don't hit on women even if I know them personally.

 

In my case, I haven't found my tribe yet.

[amyO]

I understand in a sense where you are coming from by saying those with mental illnesses may have a harder time with dating, however, that doesn't mean every single person with a mental illness is incapable of being with someone. As someone who has been affected by anxiety disorders and depression and has a large amount of "baggage," it has been difficult not only with dating, but forming friendships and other relationships. However, i still have dated and had plenty of guys interested in me. What i've realized most with the guys I have dated, none of my issues caused us to not work out. If anything, it was just other things in life, one of us didn't want a serious relationship or there was not enough compatibility. Any of those causes can happen to anyone, mental illness or not.

 

The last guy I was serious with, knew everything about me. From all the bad things taken place in my life to the problems i faced daily. He never looked at me any differently. The problem most people with mental illnesses have is not the illness itself, but the belief that they will never find someone. Like anyone in life we all want to find the perfect match. Those with disorders or some other underlying issue may find it difficult to put themselves fully out there because of the fear that they will be automatically rejected if someone discovers what is "wrong" with them. When in reality, when you find a good person, they will only love you even more.

 

It might seem that those with illnesses are the ones that are always single, but in reality they just haven't found the right person , a person that will care about them. There are times where I do feel it's harder to connect with others because i'm thinking about what's wrong with me. I'm scared to be myself or show myself and i'm terrified that if they know who I am, they won't like me. But again, that's more of the problem than the actual illness itself.

[amyO]

I should also add in, that the biggest reason why I am single now or haven't had the best relationships, has nothing to do with anxiety or depression..it has everything to do with the guys I've been with. I always seem to fall for the "bad boys" haha! I also don't give some guys chances because I can be picky in who I like. And of course, people are single for many, many other reasons. ALSO like others have mentioned, there are people in relationships who may have problems too! They again, just found someone they worked with

[KatZee]

My experience has shown me that this is the attitude that most perpetually single people have these days. They don't think anyone is good enough for them, so they stay single.

 

It's not so much an attitude that no one is good enough for me. The only guys I've dated in two years have turned out to be the one's who pull the fade out, the one's who lead women on for weeks/months and then claim they don't want commitment, the one's who just want to hook up with me.

 

I don't think my standards are that high, I'm just looking for something real, and I'll have to stay single until I find that.

[HappyLove]

I've actually noticed the opposite. Absolute lunatics seem to always be in a relationship. I know so many hard working beautiful sane confident women who are always single. The ones you can tell are a bit off are married. The hard working successful woman doesn't seem to be a catch these days. How many posts do we see here ALL THE TIME of seemingly good guys wondering why the crazy chick won't call him back? I mean women who if given the chance would ruin their lives yet they can't get enough.

[hotpotato]

This is generally a sign that someone is trying to "date up." Men and women don't think alike. If a woman meets a guy she isn't interested in, that guy generally gets the "let's be friends" speech, right? Many men don't do that. When we meet a woman that we aren't interested in, that's generally when the guy will sleep with her, but won't take it further. Generally speaking, when a woman tells me that every guy she meets just wants sex, to hook up, or whatever, that tells me she is dating guys better looking than she is, or guys that have more to offer.

 

Ive met plenty of not great looking guys who only wanted one thing...

Just because a man is better looking than her doesnt men he only wants sex. If a guy isnt as attractive, he can still want only one thing and even have very little to offer.

[hotpotato]

I've actually noticed the opposite. Absolute lunatics seem to always be in a relationship. I know so many hard working beautiful sane confident women who are always single. The ones you can tell are a bit off are married. The hard working successful woman doesn't seem to be a catch these days. How many posts do we see here ALL THE TIME of seemingly good guys wondering why the crazy chick won't call him back? I mean women who if given the chance would ruin their lives yet they can't get enough.

 

Ive noticed that, too. I think some guys cant let go of tgeir white knight tendencies. They need someone they can swoop in and save.