The those that remain single have issues?

[mikethemechanic]

Could you link a reference for this?

 

 

 

Sorry but I am unable to see how the things you are saying are linked with being single. I could see some logic in saying that people with the problems you describe tend to stay single, but saying the opposite is not necessarily true imo.

Fair enough! But what I was saying is that many single people have paraphilias. Meaning an abnormal or unnatural attraction I.e sexual masochism I went to school with a couple of guys who fell in love with a girl after she had slapped their face, and they weren't interested in dating a girl who wouldn't slap their face.

[irc333]

I just kind of wanted to re-iterate the original post....I wanted to PRE-face it by saying,

 

"You know, ever run into those people that say, "All I meet are psychos/weirdos" or "Yeah, he/she was a psycho, I had to get out of there!"

 

I was kind or referring that. Of course you could follow that up with, "All I Meet are alcoholics, drug users, and the unemployed".

 

But I've seen a lot of MESSAGE BOARD posts in regards to having dated or dealing with someone that's Bipolar...that seems to be a common buzzword these days.

 

True people are in relationships with people like this, because that's part of dating/relationships/marriage is how much you're willing to live with that. My mother says in marriage, you MARRY someone in spite of their faults, not BECAUSE of them!" (Or is it the other way around?) Basically, don't go into the relationship expecting them to change or try to change them.

[irc333]

Bathtub, you're message popped out at me...

 

I grew up in a rather normal home. Funny thing is, my parents shake their heads at how complicated people make something as simple as dating so complicated. Also the nightmare stories of course.

 

We had a guy that was dating a woman in our area, he would sometimes stay over at her place...eventually he kind of moved in...she was on disability, tried to cater to said disability, be the "sweet gentleman" but she'd always lash out at him or some or whatever reason.

 

One day they got into an arguement, she threatened to call the cops to get him out of the house, not because he was being violent, but just figured ...well...just threaten to call te cops.

 

He was kind of finding a reason to dump her arse...so this was a perfect opportunity.

 

 

If I titled this post, I'd entitle it Unicorns...

 

After 3 train wrecks (failed marriages), I've been single for 10 years now and, in my mind, being single beats being in a miserable marriage any day of the week.

 

I've never been told I have a mental illness or anything along those lines. I'm in my 50's and don't take a single medication for a single thing. I grew up in a very normal home and I'm discovering that that in itself is about as rare as a unicorn. I think the real trick for all of us is finding someone who has a similar background that we have. For me, that has kind of been like searching for a unicorn. Not to say that I'm perfect by any stretch, or anything of that kind. However, over the years, I have learned that I have an extremely low tolerance for bad behavior and I've seen a lot of that in marriages. It seems a lot of guys think that once they've 'got you', they can behave in any manner they want. And, most of the time, no matter how much they know it will wreck their lives, they simply cannot control their behavior.

 

I look at marriages all the time and, for the most part, I don't envy them at all. The majority of people are faking it and they're pretending to be happy and connected. There are a few truly happy couples out there. They're also like unicorns.

 

If I don't find the unicorn, I'm perfectly happy to be on my own. I need a man who's in control of his life, who connects deeply with me, who controls his own happiness and his emotions/temper. Nowdays, I can spot the "drama kings" from a hundred miles away (and that's about as close to me as I want them to get).

 

Being single is not my first choice, but I know what it's like to be married and miserable and I simply cannot do that under any circumstances ever again. I'm not even sure I'd ever marry again at this point. I think I'd be very happy just having a steady and devoted boyfriend.

[hotpotato]

 

True, there are ugly guys who are just trying to get laid. I'm sure a girl can run into them sometimes, too. However, if every guy she dates just wants sex, or says they don't want a relationship, my guess is it's the girl, not all the guys. Also, keep in mind that many guys, even those truly not looking for a relationship, will latch on to a great girl if he finds one.

 

Most decent, reasonably attractive, dateable women have plenty of guys who would like to have a relationship with her.

 

Oh I run I to these guys all the time, but that could be because of old.

 

After a date or two its, "Hey you wana...?"

[mikethemechanic]

Oh I run I to these guys all the time, but that could be because of old.

 

After a date or two its, "Hey you wana...?"

 

Well I think men see how you dress than make assumptions about your relationship potential.

[jay1983]

Don't you think it's possible that she liked a guy who just happened to be only interested in a sexual fling with her? I mean, why does it have to be some kind of a scale of somebody being "better" than the other?

 

I am sure you know, or even have been yourself, a guy who had a spark of interest in a woman that just lasted long enough to have sex with her. Not because you were so much better looking or awesome than she was - just because you weren't interested enough or compatible enough after all.

 

And of course there are fellows who really are not looking for a relationship no matter how attractive a woman is or how much she offers.

 

Okay so tell me why every guy they meet only wants sex, is it just bad luck?

[Weezy1973]

I should also add in, that the biggest reason why I am single now or haven't had the best relationships, has nothing to do with anxiety or depression..it has everything to do with the guys I've been with. I always seem to fall for the "bad boys" haha! I also don't give some guys chances because I can be picky in who I like. And of course, people are single for many, many other reasons. ALSO like others have mentioned, there are people in relationships who may have problems too! They again, just found someone they worked with

 

I think this is the whole point - your baggage has made it so that you're attracted to men who aren't good relationship material. You keep falling for the bad boys which indicates that you have relationship issues. If you didn't, you would be attracted to the good guys that would make excellent husbands and fathers. Qualities like honesty, dependability, integrity, compassion etc. would be attracting you more than whatever is doing it now (edginess?).

[newmoon]

i wouldn't go so far as to say people who remain always single/unmarried are mental, but there is likely some personality disorder/phobia, etc. that makes them an imperfect partner for a majority of people. there is *something* wrong with the underlying personality. agree.

[jay1983]

I don't believe that would be true. It would be her perception. Maybe every guy she is interested in only wants sex with her. Well … that might be on her, for the guys she picks, or the drama she chooses.

 

Anyway, this is pretty much off topic.

 

To the topic: I don't think that a majority of people are single either because they are mentally ill, or because they meet many dates who are mentally ill.

 

Ah come on we were getting somewhere. lol

[amyO]

I think this is the whole point - your baggage has made it so that you're attracted to men who aren't good relationship material. You keep falling for the bad boys which indicates that you have relationship issues. If you didn't, you would be attracted to the good guys that would make excellent husbands and fathers. Qualities like honesty, dependability, integrity, compassion etc. would be attracting you more than whatever is doing it now (edginess?).

 

Oh trust me, I know my history and how it repeats itself. I wasn't talking about that even if it came across that way. I was trying to explain in my post before it how those with mental illness can still have relationships. I was stating how the reason why I haven't had good relationships has nothing to do with having anxiety and depression. The OP explained in his original post that those who have a mental illness seem to be always single. I was explaining that's not always the case and there are a lot more other reasons to being single. Obviously my choice in men is one of them.

[hotpotato]

Well I think men see how you dress than make assumptions about your relationship potential.

 

I dress consertively most of the time. Ive mastered the art of making myself look flat in the back and front.( Ive also had men come on to me sexually when I was nasty, sweaty, and wearing mens oversized shirts.)

 

Usual date attire would be jeans, tank top thats not low cut, sundress, and maybe heels. I dont go on dates with everything hanging out or dressed provocatively.

[Weezy1973]

Oh trust me, I know my history and how it repeats itself. I wasn't talking about that even if it came across that way. I was trying to explain in my post before it how those with mental illness can still have relationships. I was stating how the reason why I haven't had good relationships has nothing to do with having anxiety and depression. The OP explained in his original post that those who have a mental illness seem to be always single. I was explaining that's not always the case and there are a lot more other reasons to being single. Obviously my choice in men is one of them.

 

Ah, I see. I suppose I was just taking the more general point that there is always some underlying issue (not necessarily specific to mental illness) if someone wants to be in a relationship, but can't seem to get into one.

 

I actually think issues relating specific to relationships (like your attraction to bad boys - i.e. emotionally unavailable men) is a much greater hindrance to relationship success than the more common mental illnesses such as depression or anxiety. Usually this has to do with how one was raised.

[amyO]

Ah, I see. I suppose I was just taking the more general point that there is always some underlying issue (not necessarily specific to mental illness) if someone wants to be in a relationship, but can't seem to get into one.

 

I actually think issues relating specific to relationships (like your attraction to bad boys - i.e. emotionally unavailable men) is a much greater hindrance to relationship success than the more common mental illnesses such as depression or anxiety. Usually this has to do with how one was raised.

 

Yepp, I completely agree The funny thing is, I'm always worried about my anxiety and depression playing a role in relationships or with meeting guys, but in reality, it never does. It's my pattern of falling for the same type of men that make my relationships fail. What I meant before with "baggage" is that I've been through a lot in life. I seem to fall for guys that I can relate to who have also gone through a lot in life as well. Literally every guy I've dated has had something going on in their life or has went through something traumatic. We would bond over the brokenness we both experienced. I think what makes me turn down seemingly "good guys" is the fact that I feel like they're perfect and wouldn't understand my life. So instead I like those who have difficult pasts. It's not that I literally search for those who have pasts like that, but once I learn a little about them and find things out like that, I'm practically glued to them. However, these people don't want to settle, or we're so similar that it's unhealthy and it's best that we don't end up together.

 

 

I also think it can be more than all of that too. I don't know why, but I love guys that act like jerks. I can't even think of a solid explanation as to why that's the case. I'm not even saying this to exaggerate or boast, but I'm told that I'm one of the nicest and most genuine people. Yet here I am finding and dating guys the complete opposite of me. I always fall for guys that don't want anything serious or want to be fully committed to someone. It's nothing i'm doing wrong or because of who I am, it's solely that they don't want something that I want.

 

I guess again, falling for the wrong guys and hoping something comes of it is far worse than someone with an underlying issue. Anyone with any issue has the ability to meet someone and that person would not care about that said issue.

 

Sorry if this post was TMI haha, but your replys made me think about my situation in great detail. I only started dating at 18 and I'm 21 now, so I've only had experience with dating for a few years. I've learned a hell of a lot and realized many of my past mistakes...but I still have a lot to learn. The biggest thing i'm trying now is to really give certain guys chances that I normally would pass over. I'm taking a break this summer from being with anyone and hopefully once graduate school starts next month, it will be a great start to meeting other and better people.

 

Hopefully this posts helps anyone else out there who is single or has the same patterns as me!

[mikethemechanic]

I don't believe that would be true. It would be her perception. Maybe every guy she is interested in only wants sex with her. Well … that might be on her, for the guys she picks, or the drama she chooses. Maybe she is actually emotionally unavailable herself so she keeps getting into those situations.

 

I will say that many women I know have fallen for a guy, had sex with him, and then been disappointed.

 

Some of the guys may have been "only" after sex, but I bet in a lot of cases they just lost interest pretty quickly.

 

But … there have been times on these boards where some guys were VERY vocal about their refusal to go out with a girl if she hadn't "put out" within 3 dates.

 

It's women's own responsibility if they succumb to that kind of lame pressure, but still - it's all over the Inter

nets. If the girls read and believe it, and the guy "pumps and dumps," (another lovely dating meme) no wonder she gets the idea that guys are "only" after sex.

 

Anyway, this is pretty much off topic.

 

To the topic: I don't think that a majority of people are single either because they are mentally ill, or because they meet many dates who are mentally ill.

He must feel that you chose to be with him, and not that you need to be with him!

[jay1983]

Ouch, you hurt me! I had to resort to it!

 

How old are you?

[Phoe]

The vast majority of adults are in relationships (something like 80%). Therefore, it can easily be assumed that if you're an adult, and you want to be in a relationship, you will succeed.

 

See, in my mind, it is exactly opposite.

 

If 80% of adults are in a relationship (I'm speaking for heterosexual relationships just for the sake of keeping the pairing ratios 1:1 for gender). That means that 80% of men are already taken and off the market.

 

That leaves me with only 20% of the male population to work with. So out of ten guys I know, only 2 are single. Are those 2 interested in dating me? Not likely. My experience is that the few single guys I ever know are interested in some other girl they know (often a girl who ISN'T single).

 

Mathematically speaking, it makes my chances of finding a relationship actually quite difficult.

 

And so, that was always my problem. Few single guys, and none interested in me. They were always happy to be platonic friends with me, but reserved the romantic interest for other girls.

 

Mathematically it always just seemed, sensically, to be hard to get a relationship. It has always been quite logical to me, and I never really questioned that logic. You've gotta get the numbers in your favor.

[Weezy1973]

See, in my mind, it is exactly opposite.

 

If 80% of adults are in a relationship (I'm speaking for heterosexual relationships just for the sake of keeping the pairing ratios 1:1 for gender). That means that 80% of men are already taken and off the market.

 

That leaves me with only 20% of the male population to work with. So out of ten guys I know, only 2 are single. Are those 2 interested in dating me? Not likely. My experience is that the few single guys I ever know are interested in some other girl they know (often a girl who ISN'T single).

 

Mathematically speaking, it makes my chances of finding a relationship actually quite difficult.

 

And so, that was always my problem. Few single guys, and none interested in me. They were always happy to be platonic friends with me, but reserved the romantic interest for other girls.

 

Mathematically it always just seemed, sensically, to be hard to get a relationship. It has always been quite logical to me, and I never really questioned that logic. You've gotta get the numbers in your favor.

 

 

At any given time 80% of men are off the market, but those numbers aren't static. Relationships are ending and forming all the time. What I have found is that some people get into relationships very, very easily. One relationship ends, and a month or two later, they're in another one. And so on and so on. Why is it so easy for these people? Or more to the topic, why is it so difficult for the rest of us?

 

I have a friend - who I love like a brother - but is not a good catch by any stretch of the imagination. He's obese and diabetic. He's bankrupt and was living with his parents (he's 41). Has a few different jobs, but certainly no career to speak of. But lo and behold, he's been in one relationship after another since he was 16 years old. One relationship ends, he dates for a bit, and he finds another one. Easy peasy.

 

It's clear to me that relationship success has absolutely nothing to do with what we perceive as desirability in a mate. There are other underlying issues - and again, I'm not saying there's anything inherently wrong with us that struggle. I have an anxiety disorder - I've been in many relationships - but it's still something I struggle with.

 

A lot of people on LoveShack struggle with it and 99% of the time, the issue has nothing to do with external factors. Although I will cut a bit of slack to people that live in small towns... that being said, if it was important enough to them, they can always move.

[Phoe]

If I can't find one decent, dateable woman out of 3200 single women, there is something wrong.

 

Out of 3200, a chunk of them just won't be suitable for you, for whatever reason. Let's say half

 

1600 that you would date. Now only half would actually date YOU. List gets smaller.

 

800 that you could date. You're certainly not gonna ever meet even half of these 800 people.

 

And the people you ARE meeting, a big chunk are gonna be of the group that's taken, not suitable, undateable, etc. And you're still not even meeting most of the people that you COULD date. You're just never crossing paths.

 

So the odds, still, are a bit rough to work with. Add in that you're competing with the other single people and it's just a mess, lol.

[Phoe]

Every guy I know would be after you.

 

lol. while I appreciate the compliment it always feels kinda weird when people on this forum say these kinds of things. It's just not reality.

[Phoe]

Like I said, it's either your area, or something else I don't know about. If I was you, I'd move lol.

 

Well, TBH, the why and how of men having little interest just isn't really relevant to me anymore. It never used to be relevant, and I've gone back to that mindset.

 

Before I came to this forum, I never considered myself to be some sort of weird oddball outlier when it came to dating. I knew that some people had an easier time than me, but I didn't think I was really much different than most people.

 

It was being on this forum, being told that I must be a weirdo, or that I'm an outlier, or that if I was anywhere else every man would chase me, or that I am just not even a real person and must be troll of the century - THAT is what got to me. THAT is what made me wonder why.

 

And over time, I've gone back to not caring. I cared and wondered for a while and it did nothing but stress me out. I refuse to let it be relevant anymore. It's trivial in the overall scheme of things.

 

Meh. So dating, historically, hasn't gone well for me. Oh well. Really not a big deal.

[somedude81]

Like I said, it's either your area, or something else I don't know about. If I was you, I'd move lol.

 

LOL dude, she's not single.

[ascendotum]

Look at it like this. I will use my town as an example. According to the 2012 census, there are just over 16000 women in the town I live, which isn't a big city by any means. If only 20% of those women are single, that still leaves me with 3200 single women to choose from, in my town alone. If I can't find one decent, dateable woman out of 3200 single women, there is something wrong.

 

This obviously doesn't include the option of finding a date in a neighboring town, or across the country like I did.

 

20%...but a big chunk of that 20% of single women will be older women since they outlive men + tend to be single more when older than when young and have guys clamoring to date them. If you are 30 and your limit is say 25-35, then your 3200 might become 1000. Say you didn't want a woman who is overweight then ...1000 becomes 500. Say you didn't want a single mother with more than 2 kids.....500 could become 250. Say you have a number of other criteria as regards personality traits & character...250 could become 100. That 100 will be reduced by those women's biases in what they desire in a bf that may not match up with what you have to offer.

Edited August 10, 2014 by ascendotum

[mikethemechanic]

Well, TBH, the why and how of men having little interest just isn't really relevant to me anymore. It never used to be relevant, and I've gone back to that mindset.

 

Before I came to this forum, I never considered myself to be some sort of weird oddball outlier when it came to dating. I knew that some people had an easier time than me, but I didn't think I was really much different than most people.

 

It was being on this forum, being told that I must be a weirdo, or that I'm an outlier, or that if I was anywhere else every man would chase me, or that I am just not even a real person and must be troll of the century - THAT is what got to me. THAT is what made me wonder why.

 

And over time, I've gone back to not caring. I cared and wondered for a while and it did nothing but stress me out. I refuse to let it be relevant anymore. It's trivial in the overall scheme of things.

 

Meh. So dating, historically, hasn't gone well for me. Oh well. Really not a big deal.

why do you think that is phoe that dating hasn't gone well for you?

[Teknoe]

I can only speak for myself, but I have pretty much relegated myself to a new belief: Being single isn't bad, and if this is how the rest of my life plays out, I'd still be perfectly fine/content. In fact, I am enjoying being single now more than ever. After my last rejection, it hit me and now I'm like "screw it."

 

It is what it is.

 

Just figured recently I might never be a family man. Or if I do... it'll be in my mid-late 30s.

[Anela]

Okay so tell me why every guy they meet only wants sex, is it just bad luck?

 

That's what most seemed to want from me. I didn't give it to them.

 

I do have issues with anxiety and self-esteem, that have affected all of this for me, but a part of that has also (for the most part) been the men who actually hit on me, versus those who said nice things, but didn't make a move (for whatever reason, I wasn't good enough for them).

 

My sister and her husband met on a penpal list for people with anxiety disorders, years ago. They were married two years ago. Me? I tried to deal with my issues first. When I was ready to meet someone, fall in love, have my own life... I just want to *scream*. It isn't just about romantic relationships for me, it's everything else, as well. But I did want to love and be loved, and it hasn't happened - and was told by several guys on this forum, that it was my fault for not landing myself a man before my "value/shelf life" ran out. I'm so glad that when I was younger, I wasn't aware that I supposedly had an expiration date stamped on me: my 30th, or 35th birthday. I didn't discover that until I registered at LS.