Faithful for almost 18 years but have begun flirting

[veronese]

To give a little background I discovered last Easter that my husband had been lying to me and had developed close friendships with three other women, two of whom were ex girlfriends, and had successfully concealed the fact from me for periods of 16 mths, 3 years and 11 years. They were not sexual relationships but did contain an element of flirtation and mutual attraction.

 

He saw these women normally for lunch during his working day. I could see from the phone records that their contact was irregular and not in any way full blown, all consuming, passionate affairs of the heart. Nevertheless the realisation that the man I trusted and truly loved and cherished was not who I thought he was was devastating. To face the harsh reality of being married to a person I didn't really know and didn't actually like very much sent me in a state of shock for several weeks. It was a nightmare I couldn't believe was happening to me, I was unprepared for such a traumatic event. If someone had relayed the facts and details of these emotional affairs to me I would have would have gambled my life on it being an impossibility, absurd and far fetched.

 

We remain together, we would like our marriage to survive, we have children and have shared 17 predominantly happy years together. There is still no guarantee the damage will be repaired but we are working at it.

 

However, after all those years of being loyal and devoted to my H, I now find myself in unfamiliar territory and need some advice from you all....

 

There's a guy at work who I have known for years who I now suspect I am getting attracted to. I think I am flirting with him and I think he is flirting back, but being so out of practice I'm not entirely sure. I am obviously an appalling judge of character to have got my H so spectacularly wrong so have no idea these days of, well, just about everything really.

 

The guy at work recently got engaged but can you believe I actually thought "well, he's not married yet so there's still time"! What's all that about? Why am I thinking such a thing? I admit that I suspect a small infatuation developing on my part, worse still I imagine there may be one developing on his!

 

So guys, is this some kind of side-effect perfectly normal in people recovering from a betrayal, or is it something I need to be concerned about. I'm not sure anymore whether such interactions are harmless and quite normal and that I may be the abnormal one not to have had the pleasure before. There is no chance in the world that it could develop into anything, I could never have an affair, it's not even a possibility.

 

I wonder if it's some weird kind of practice run in case we do split up? Tell me what you think and go easy on me..

 

Thanks

[Owl]

Well Veronese, I can't tell you if that's "normal" or not, but I can give you the advice I know you're expecting to hear.

 

Break it off with the guy at work NOW...before you DO do something foolish. It's one thing to find yourself attracted to someone...EVERYONE goes through that periodically. It's an entirely different thing to go through with it...as you well know. Do NOT start a relationship of any kind with this guy while either of you is in a commited relationship now.

 

Think about not only what the damage would be to your own seriously injured marriage would be...think about what the effect any of this would have on HIS fiance. Do you really want to put her through what you've gone through? I highly doubt it.

 

End it now, before it does get out of hand. Talk with your counselor about WHY you feel what you do...he/she should be able to help you figure out if it's normal or not...and give advice on how to deal with it I'm sure.

 

Good luck!

[veronese]

Hi Owl, thanks for your reply.

 

I can't have explained myself very well...there's absolutely nothing to break off with him. There's nothing actually going on between us nor ever could be. I am not a woman who would ever betray my husband, or would ever destroy anyone else's marriage. So don't worry, I'm not a heartless bitch, truthfully.

 

I think all I am saying is that I am enjoying these very very small interactions with this guy. They aren't remotely deep or too personal and there is no suggestion or indeed possibility of an affair developing between us.

 

What I am confused about is having such ridiculous thoughts fleet through my mind. If they are something to be concerned about I do want to be aware of that. But equally I wonder if a little boost to my ego would do me the world of good and is long over due. I am easily pleased Owl and don't need to seek the attention of a lover to build up my self esteem.

 

It's hard to explain but I just have been slightly amused at having silly notions in my head again.

[whichwayisup]

I think I know what you're getting at.

 

We all like to be 'noticed' and 'looked at' by others. It's complimentary throughout your work day, gives us happy energy and makes us feel good. That's all healthy and fun. Good for the soul I guess!

 

But, reading into it and hoping it will escalate into something else is not good. I know you aren't doing that and just trying out the flirting- because it is fun! We all do it in some way or another - perfectly normal! It's how we react to it which counts.

 

Thoughts are thoughts so I wouldn't worry too much about it...But if you find yourself purposely 'waiting' for him to flirt with you so you feel good, well then that is something to be concerned about.

 

I hope this helps abit.

[Cecelius]

If nothing else, I would be very clear with myself about using language like "I find myself" and "I suspect that I am getting attracted".

 

If those are merely idiomatic phrases to make what's happened sound better in writing, then fine. But I do notice that a number of people who end up cheating (physically or emotionally) have a tendancy to use language that plays on them being somehow subject to forces outside their control, or that they are not doing it, it is happening to them.

 

If you're into the other guy, be clear with yourself that you are into him.

[jmargel]

Veronese I am going to do a little psychology on you. I believe the subconsious reason you are doing this, is to find out for yourself whether or not you are still 'attractive'. The reason why I say this, is when your husband, the one who is suppose to look at you with nothing but beauty has found an interest in other women. This could damage your own self-worth on how you feel about yourself.

 

It could also very well be a 'revenge' type thing. He did it, why can't you? You know it's wrong but you don't feel awfully guilty because he did it to you. It's clear that you have unresolved feelings about what he has done to you. Counseling would be a necessity here. Your trust for him has deminished also like you said even though you may love him, you don't like him very much right now. When you don't like someone you really don't care about the consequences, or they don't seem to be as important to you as they once were.

 

You may also feel like your past with him has been tainted. Like you feel like a fool for having this done to you. You want him to feel how much you hurt and how much pain it has caused you to basically trivalize your marriage.

 

This is the point where you need to keep your pride and your dignity. I truly don't believe you are 'attracted' to this man for his qualities. I think you are attracted to the feeling of having your husband feel the same thing you are feeling now, the hurt..

 

Has he stopped contact with these other women? He needs to respect your wishes. When married, IMO it's fine to look but to never touch and to never cross those 'boundaries' that every relationship has. Apparently he has crossed those boundaries by seeing those other women. Crossing them yourself will only damage the marriage further. You two need to find better communication between you and your husband. Counseling is where that starts.

[Mr Spock]

Veronese, has he admitted yet that his relationships were inappropriate? When I last read your posts he hadn't really yet.

 

Seeking validation is perfectly normal. The urge to press the point home that you yourself are quite capable of developing "long lasting friendships" with memebers of the opposite sex to your husband is normal.

 

 

There isn't much that's subconcious here really.

 

 

Your husband took a big, figurative dump on your marriage. The fact that you are developing an attraction for a man who's into flirting (the first, exciting stage of a relationship) is not suprising, or unusual IMO.

 

What do YOU want to do? Do you want to recapture that feeling with your husband? Having the marriage "work out" simply by not divorcing and really "working things out" are two different things.

 

 

I warn you Veronese, that when you're vulnerable it's a short step between enjoying the attention and taking it past the line of acceptable appropriate behaviour. Trust me on this. Also as flirtations progress we tend to justify things.........

 

It's like part of you has been killed by your husband's jerkoff behaviour...and you're trying to breathe life back into that part.

[sylviaguardian]

Hi veron,

 

i know a lot of people will not agree with me here, but i wouldn't worry too much about this. I have felt exactly the same way at times. For me it came from being married for such a long time and knowing exactly where my boundaries lay. If I suspected a guy liked me I would have a very clear way of turning away from it. Sometime I wonder if this was subconscious, because I didn't want my H to be annoyed at me.

 

Now, I feel a little more free from worrying about whether he is annoyed at me - I feel it is more an equalisation of power in the relationship and I wouldn't worry so much about what he thought. For example, I work with a guy who I knows likes me a lot - He has a girlfriend who I believe that he is faithful to, but he has a way of letting me know that I wasn't just a regular friend.

 

Although I like this man a lot, I have no real feelings for him in that way. Before all this happened I would never have gone anywhere with him, in case my H was jealous. Since this happened though (the A) my friend has had a rough time and I offered to take him out for a drink to cheer him up. To be clear on this, I have no intention of ever doing anything with him, it was just that I didn't mind so much if my H was annoyed because of it. (He wasn't anyway). All I'm trying to say is that perhaps you feel a bit freer?

 

I know how much you love your husband so I wouldn't be worried about it. I also suspect that there is a bit of ego-boosting going out - checking to see how attractive you still are. That's only natural, given that your ego has just been blasted apart.

 

I know this will be controversial, but I think it's innocent. I don't think yoy have to worry about it.

 

Syl

[tanbark813]

I guess you just need to decide if you want to do to your husband the same thing he did to you. It's unfortunate that the low road is so much more fun than the high road.

 

[sylviaguardian]

I don't think this is the same thing that her H did at all. There is a huge difference between the one who does the cheating and the one who is cheated on. One difference is that while the cheater got a huge ego massage, the BW/BH had their ego shot to pieces. Perhaps it's just a way of trying to make yourself feel a little better.

 

Syl

[tanbark813]

Originally posted by sylviaguardian

I don't think this is the same thing that her H did at all. There is a huge difference between the one who does the cheating and the one who is cheated on. One difference is that while the cheater got a huge ego massage, the BW/BH had their ego shot to pieces. Perhaps it's just a way of trying to make yourself feel a little better.

 

Syl

 

How is it not the same? The husband cheated and got an ego massage and the wife got her ego shot to pieces. Now she wants the ego massage and wants to hurt his ego. Sorry, I don't see how it's different.

 

I'm not defending the guy at all, hell he deserves it if she goes through with anything. I'm just saying it's weak to write a post about how your were betrayed, etc, etc, but then at the end of the post be like, "Yeah, but now I'm going to go do the same thing." Like I said, the OP just needs to decide if she wants to be like him or not and forget all the BS rationalization about "well it's different when I do it".

[veronese]

WWIU - Thanks for your reply. I'm not waiting or building it up into anything significant. As you say, being noticed does feel good but I will heed your advice.

 

 

Cecelius - I have taken what you said on board - sensible words.

 

Jmargel - nice bit of psychoanalysing - I appreciate it truly. It's accurate in some respects...

 

Quote: "You may also feel like your past with him has been tainted. Like you feel like a fool for having this done to you."

 

... but way off the mark in others...

 

Quote: "You want him to feel how much you hurt and how much pain it has caused you to basically trivialize your marriage."

 

I think he knows already how much hurt and pain his lack of respect caused me and my hope is to save our marriage, not to deliberately damage it further. As far as I'm aware (and apologies for that pre-fix but it happens to be the truth), he no longer is in contact with these women and has no intention of gambling our marriage again in the pursuit of such meaningless friendships.

 

Furthermore irrespective of the mistakes he has made, I'm not the kind of person who would enjoy, desire or cope with behaving similarly. Marriage is not a game of lies and betrayal to me, but of love, trust and honesty. Chances are I am a naive fool to retain this belief after last years discoveries. I know that my marriage wasn't/isn't the kind of marriage I had envisaged having but even so, I'm coming to terms with my situation. It's been a struggle but I have faith and hope in a happier future with my husband.

 

So Jmargel, I may well take your advice and 'look' but 'not touch'.

 

Spock - hi you. Thanks for replying, I always enjoy hearing your take on things. Yes, he has admitted these relationships were inappropriate but he really did enjoy them and had I not found out about them would continue to enjoy them indefinitely. The fact that he wouldn't have been happy for me to have secret, long term, flirtatious male friends was neither here nor there to him. What's good for the gander was NOt good for the goose in this case....

 

It continues to worry me that it will be a habit or a way of life my husband is so comfortable with he may find it impossible to change his behaviour so radically. In similar circumstances I know I'd find it bloody difficult, especially giving up something so pleasurable that had gone undetected for over a decade. I don't want to be his jailer but these relationships were not innocent in that they were secretive and all contained sexual chemistry and attraction to some degree.

 

Quote: - "I warn you Veronese, that when you're vulnerable it's a short step between enjoying the attention and taking it past the line of acceptable appropriate behaviour. Trust me on this. Also as flirtations progress we tend to justify things........."

 

I hear you Spock.

 

Quote: "It's like part of you has been killed by your husband's jerkoff behaviour...and you're trying to breathe life back into that part."

 

Hit the nail right on the head darling. A part of me has died and I miss it so much. It was the spark and the fire that fueled my energy and 'joie de vive'. I desperately want it back although I realise it's irreplaceable, but you know Spock, this whole mess has screwed me up so magnificently I even bore myself and urgently need to get a grip and find my sense of humour again.

 

It's a constant source of fascination to me that when a spouse discovers an affair they are immediately disadvantaged in their efforts to salvage their marriage being, as they are, so utterly traumatised and shell shocked by the revelation. While I've needed to be my most sparkling, gorgeous, attractive self I've been anything but! Gone is the vivacious, loving, trusting, kind and attractive woman I was, in it's place there's a boring, neurotic, suspicious, angry, fairly unattractive, demanding old bag - quite unappealing all in all I'd say! What a bummer!

 

Spock, thanks darling, keep posting. Hope things are going well for you after all the crap before Christmas...

 

Syl baby, I knew you'd understand. Everything you said was exactly how I see and feel it. We must have been identical twins separated at birth... (lol)

 

Tanbark? unfortunately you seem to have got the wrong end of the stick or alternatively just missed the point completely.

 

Quote: "I guess you just need to decide if you want to do to your husband the same thing he did to you. It's unfortunate that the low road is so much more fun than the high road."

 

Correct me if I'm mistaken but my post was not about a desire to actively embark on an affair of any kind. I posted for advice on my strange, uncharacteristic thoughts, never having encountered such weird musings before. I don't remember saying I wanted a secret friendship involving phone calls and arranged dates with this man?

 

Tanbark - to do to my husband what he did to me would take 11 years, 3 men, a great deal of time and emotion, lies and deceit. With respect Tanbark, comparing my situation with my husbands, likening my behaviour to his, is a little insulting to say the least.

 

You say:

Quote: " it's weak to write a post about how your were betrayed, etc, etc, but then at the end of the post be like, "Yeah, but now I'm going to go do the same thing."

 

I am NOT doing the same thing. I WILL NEVER do the same thing. If I share a telephone conversation with this man, go and meet him for a meal and a chat, if we exchange compliments, flatter one another, become flirty or suggestive, by all means, judge me accordingly.

 

As Syl tried to explain, people like us have actively discouraged other men, we have always made our marital status very clear. We have behaved like dutiful loyal wives to just about everyone we've encountered. We abandoned our identities as women in our own right, attractive and desirable to other men but still able to resist the temptations that those men could bring.

 

My husband apparently managed to only succumb to a bit of hand holding, hugging, flirting, and on one occasion a kiss with his three secret friends in relationships lasting 11 yrs, 3 yrs, and 16 mths (2 ex girlfriends). Impressive levels of self control maybe but still wholly unacceptable within a marriage.

 

 

Please don't presume things about me you only guess at. I am a mother of two children, a wife of many years. I KNOW the grass isn't greener unlike some deluded wankers, I also believe in fidelity.

 

I look forward to your response.

 

V.

[latesleeper]

Hi Veronese,

 

I can imagine how-big-that-hole-was-that-shot-through-your-chest when you found out. How did you find out, by the way? Would you tell us? Or PM me if you'd rather.

I feel for you and want to kick your H down the road.

To you though, hugs.

[sylviaguardian]

You go girl!! Veron - look after yourself now babe. That fun-loving gal is not gone - only buried under layers of crap! Brush it off and bring her back out. She's still the same, only a bit wiser. You are getting angry now that's a good sign. Enjoy the admiration, get out there, go for drinks with your friends, buy yourself some new shoes!! Remember your life is YOURS! Whatever your husband did, you have a life too - enjoy it.

 

Big hugs hon,

Syl

[veronese]

late sleeper

 

Thanks for your PM. I'm following as many of your threads as I can but like others, would love to hear your whole story - it will help us understand you and I'm sure will give you lots of useful responses.

 

In answer to your question re: how I found out, it happened really by default. Having friends married to serial cheaters I had been familiar with stories and tales only the wives could believe. But about two years ago two close friends discovered their reliable, trustworthy, unsuspicious husbands had been cheating on them. When I heard their stories I couldn't believe how well the men had disguised their true selves. It then occurred to me that in these instances these men had maintained an image that fooled absolutely everyone, their wives especially. I was shocked too, sufficiently shocked to wonder if I was being just a tad complacent believing my husband any different.

 

In almost 17 years I had never once checked up on my husband. My marriage was my first priority and I valued and cherished it enormously. I knew from friends' experiences that I couldn't take the future for granted, nothing was guaranteed. But I truly believed that up until then my husband had not been unfaithful.

 

An important point to mention also is that my H is (nauseatingly and bloody irritatingly) undeniably gorgeous. Throughout our almost 18 years now I have had to rise above the continuous remarks and comments about his good looks. I admitted from the outset that he overshadowed me in the looks department, but being a person who doesn't value people on their looks or bank balances his beauty didn't intimidate me greatly. He has been approached countless times, admired and complimented, praised and desired constantly. He is universally liked, is regarded as a perfect husband and father, and has been the target of numerous females who regard him as their idea of perfection.

 

You get the picture? God's gift to women. Bloody golden bloody bollocks! Not pleasant after I gained loads of weight after the babies and knew we were the subject of conversation (what's an adonis like him doing with a heffer like her??)

 

Well late sleeper. I lost the weight but he still outshone me. While I realised the dangers of being married to such a stunning man I believed that our love for each other ran deep enough to withstand the attention he received. I may not have been his equal in physical beauty but had special qualities of my own.

 

I digress....... as usual...... I wondered if I was just another trusting, fool of a wife, and in my case, even more ridiculous to believe my husband was any different to theirs.

 

I looked at his cell phone record half a dozen times in the course of a year, wracked with guilt and embarressment to have stooped so low. But last Easter, for no apparent reason, I zoned in on one particular number - God knows how or why!

 

Cutting to the chase I began doubting my sanity to become a woman I didn't recognise or like. I decided to come clean and seek reassurance from my H, humiliating though it was. Feeling as I did it was only logical to turn to him for love, understanding and reassurance........WRONG!!!!

 

Anyway, the shock of realising my honest, special, much loved husband was a lying, cheating, unrecognisable git was the most horrendous, painful, unexpected thing ever to happen to me. Having experienced a multitude of unpleasant and distressing incidents in my past (another thread one day maybe) nothing compared to the intensity of the physical and mental pain I was in.

 

There you have it - more or less. I stayed in the marriage initially because I was so wrecked I had to rely on him to look after the children's needs and as the days passed I knew that I loved my H enough, and my children more, to want to try to work things out and hopefully one day, repair the damage.

 

We're still trying......

[veronese]

What would I do without you?

 

I can feel the old me bubbling below the surface at times, but continue to be thwarted by this new character who keeps hogging the limelight. Wish she'd go away because she's suffocating and very tedious!!!

 

How are things with you at the moment?

 

I'm having another bad day here, not accomplishing much but procrastinating admirably!

 

Got a delicious box of John Lewis, very expensive, mouth watering chocolates from the guy at work on Monday, by way as a thanks for helping him out on Sunday. Not a normal occurrence as I help not just him but numerous other colleagues when they're up against a deadline and don't usually receive anything more than a thank you.

 

So Syl? A box of chocolates? Could it mean the beginnings of an affair???? I'd better be extra vigilant not to accidentally fall into his arms for a snog at a moment's notice hadn't I?! I mean gosh, anything could happen couldn't it?!!! (lol)

 

Big hugs to you hun

 

V xxx

[sylviaguardian]

You naughty girl! Next thing you know, he'll buying you a paperweight or a new mouse mat!

 

Things are OK with me (today anyway). I have 3 good (ish) days and then I blow my stack over something LOL! I am doing better since I decided to distance myself from it all a bit. The fact that I have told my H that there is no way on earth that I would tolerate this behaviour again has made it easier in a way. If he does anything similar, he wasn't worth it anyway so I am less cut up about whether he might start something again.

 

Also better since I decided to look after myself a bit more. I have been buying lots of clothes (!) and have been reading a bit too. I read a really philosophical book which was all about how we get the life we choose etc etc and how we can go on choosing the same thing and always wondering why we end up in the same situation.

 

I feel that my situation has changed in that my H realises that I am not going to stick around whatever. I also feel freer in myself. I can't explain it but I feel I do whatever I want to do now. I don't mean have an A or anything but before even when I did innocent things, I always worried about how they appeared. Now I don't care - if that makes sense? I just feel that the relationship is a bit more balanced.

 

Originally posted by veronese

 

I can feel the old me bubbling below the surface at times, but continue to be thwarted by this new character who keeps hogging the limelight. Wish she'd go away because she's suffocating and very tedious!!!

 

Don't let that person suffocate you. You might not have had any control in creating her but you can control how much it rules your life. Is your H suffering every hour of the day? Has his personality had to change. If he's anything like mine, I think I know the answer!

 

 

 

Now get on with your life, get on with work and give me a chocolate - my fave is turkish delight!

 

Syl

[veronese]

oooh yuk sylvia, we can't be identical twins after all - I can't stand turkish delight. But rest assured if any come my way I'll forward them all on to you.

 

Feel much the same as you with regards any future problems with my H. If he's so bloody useless why would I want him?

 

Like your H, mine devotes the minimum amount of time to this subject, permanently believing that things will return to normal and the past will be forgotten.

 

But I'm going to take your advice and hit the shops later this week. It's about time I paid some attention to me! God only knows how mr. John Lewis fancy box of chocolates noticed me, clad ordinarily in scruffy jeans and baggy jumpers. I do occasionally wear the odd, vaguely sexy top, displaying my altogether stunning charms, albeit combined with one of a variety of disgustingly scruffy jeans. It's a definite problem, some kind of an ongoing consequence of a restricted, rather prissy upbringing. Very unfeminine and not very flattering, but I'm a firm believer in not flaunting my assets. They've always been for HIS eyes only, hidden from society at large, a well guarded secret!

 

Fancy coming shopping with me Sylv???

[sylviaguardian]

Originally posted by veronese

 

Feel much the same as you with regards any future problems with my H. If he's so bloody useless why would I want him?

 

ditto

 

Like your H, mine devotes the minimum amount of time to this subject, permanently believing that things will return to normal and the past will be forgotten.

 

ditto

 

Very unfeminine and not very flattering, but I'm a firm believer in not flaunting my assets. They've always been for HIS eyes only, hidden from society at large, a well guarded secret!

Unfortunately, I don't have any assets of that variety, so can't comment LOL!!

 

Fancy coming shopping with me Sylv???

 

Too right! It's time for the new you.

 

Syl

[veronese]

Just thought I'd tell you about a very heated argument I've just had the pleasure of with my wonderful H. What was is about? Everything and nothing, but it's a stark reminder that we still have a whole load of unresolved issues and problems to deal with.

 

He's taken the dogs for a walk now, a job normally assigned to me. But as I mentioned in our conversation just now, I am no longer prepared to be everything to everyone, nor am I willing to be responsible for the huge load of things I dealt with in the past. I not only work for a living (which is barely acknowledge) but also run the home, the finances, bills and school issues. Until last Easter I accepted this burden, admittedly reluctantly, in the belief that my H worked hard for our family and needed more 'downtime' to relax and unwind (being a man and all! lol)

 

The fact that I did not enjoy the same luxury was something I tolerated all those years. I could see the injustice but didn't feel our situation to be that unlike any other couple's. When I looked at other marriages the inequality of division of labour and duties appeared to be evident in all relationships.

 

While I was of the impression that my H was an honest, truthful, loyal spouse, and while I was fooled into believing this image of a hard working husband, I periodically raised the subject of needing more help, but ultimately had such a high opinion and love for him I was placated by an occasional moan then settled quickly back into the routine of our lives.

 

Well not anymore. One of the unsavoury consequences of infidelity is that things change, and not necessarily to the guilty spouses liking. I carried him for 17 years, I won't do it any more.

 

It's saddened me to realise that being the wife I was, the trusting sucker of years gone by, I was in a situation where my H not only spent time, effort and money amusing himself with his tarty bitches, but also created a worn out dogsbody of a wife, responsible for most everything while he coasted through our marriage, casually avoiding the time consuming laborious chores of a life.

 

Sorry guys, needed a rant. At times like this his response and attitude depresses me. He can be such a supreme, first class wanker - but no doubt I can be extraordinarily exasperating too.

 

No wonder I'm enjoying a little attention from a colleague. Bollocks to the PC brigade!!!

[sylviaguardian]

Originally posted by veronese

Just thought I'd tell you about a very heated argument I've just had the pleasure of with my wonderful H. What was is about? Everything and nothing, but it's a stark reminder that we still have a whole load of unresolved issues and problems to deal with.

 

Aha - this happens to me too. We had a huge argument the other night because he mentioned that he had been asked to go to Spain on a business trip, but had said no. Even though he said no and told me about it, it made me furious. I told him that there was no way I will ever trust him again -cue him sleeping on the sofa. Another great night... Sometimes I think we really should have stuck at the counselling.

 

I not only work for a living (which is barely acknowledge) but also run the home, the finances, bills and school issues

 

All this sounds so familiar. I worked out one day that although there are 4 people in our house, only 1 of them ever actually cleans it. I have kind of slipped into this, but now when I think that I was busy scrubbing the floors while he was strolling along the sea front with his 'friend' so that they could enjoy their 'special' bond, I feel like a prize idiot. I too am refusing to continue being the maid for everyone else.

 

Well not anymore. One of the unsavoury consequences of infidelity is that things change, and not necessarily to the guilty spouses liking.

 

I feel this way too. I feel myself changing - into a person that will be better for me, but perhaps worse for him. I feel like i've had a wake-up call.

 

It's saddened me to realise that being the wife I was, the trusting sucker of years gone by, I was in a situation where my H not only spent time, effort and money amusing himself with his tarty bitches, but also created a worn out dogsbody of a wife, responsible for most everything while he coasted through our marriage, casually avoiding the time consuming laborious chores of a life.

 

The only thing I would say here is that your H was probably not aware that he was playing you for a fool. I think women have to take some of the blame for 'allowing' this situation to arise in the first place (although, of course, if you complain then you are a NAG!!)

Sorry guys, needed a rant.

 

Rant away - it's very entertaining. Off to drink more red wine now. H is away at a course tonight and normally I would feel a bit out of sorts but tonight I am loving the peace and quiet.

 

Syl

[veronese]

God I was in such a mood with him last night!

 

After the kids were asleep we had a long talk, well, I did....true to form my verbal diarrhoea was flowing unabated while golden bollocks scowled and glared in response.

 

I'm not sure why it came up, but earlier in the day on the phone he'd said that if he was to earn more money he would stop doing things like going to watch our son play rugby in school fixtures, normally a loss of maybe an hour or so of his time. He also collects our son from school 2 or 3 times a week, and for the last four years (the years when he acquired 2 new friends) has frequently moaned how inconvenient it can be and that if he didn't have to do it he'd be able to get more work done.

 

Before D-Day I always symphathised with him, was appreciative and almost apologetic. Whenever it was at all possible i tried to either get him collected by the only other family who live in our direction, or alternatively picked him up myself, no mean feat I can assure you. It entailed driving an hour south to collect our daughter (who is a special needs school in the country) followed by a a three hour round trip to get my son. But I'd do anything, even when I'd had no sleep the night before (work) to help my poor old (actually 7 years younger than me) husband.

 

Knowing now that he had all the time in the world to gallivant around with those sluts has been a serious issue for me to come to terms with.

 

Sylvia Quote: "All this sounds so familiar. I worked out one day that although there are 4 people in our house, only 1 of them ever actually cleans it. I have kind of slipped into this, but now when I think that I was busy scrubbing the floors while he was strolling along the sea front with his 'friend' so that they could enjoy their 'special' bond, I feel like a prize idiot. I too am refusing to continue being the maid for everyone else."

 

I told him last night that he may be stupid but I'm not, so continuing to use our son as an excuse will forever piss me off!!!

 

A huge bunch of flowers were delivered this morning - practically gave me a heart attack! Flowers only come on my birthday, anniversary and valentines day. It was really lovely to receive them but call me cynical when I admit to suggesting to the florist that he must be having an affair!!

 

Still love the old git though - probably always will.

 

How was the red wine Sylv? I made friends with a couple of whiskey and cokes last night!

[sylviaguardian]

The red wine was a bad idea, I can tell you. I did not feel too great this morning as H was away on a course last night so had to get three of us out the house and to three different places by 9. I felt like I'd done 8 hours work before I got into work.

 

Originally posted by veronese

 

A huge bunch of flowers were delivered this morning - practically gave me a heart attack! Flowers only come on my birthday, anniversary and valentines day. It was really lovely to receive them but call me cynical when I admit to suggesting to the florist that he must be having an affair!!

 

Still love the old git though - probably always will.

 

How was the red wine Sylv? I made friends with a couple of whiskey and cokes last night!

 

He bought you flowers after your verbal tirade? Very impressive - maybe the message is sinking home... One good thing to come out of all of this is perhaps the chance to reinvent ourselves?

 

Have a nice evening munching your chocs and admiring your flowers!

 

Syl

[deesgirl]

Ver, I hope you're doing okay. I believe you when you say you have no intention of getting revenge on your H, but remember that you are in a very vulnerable place right now.

 

Oh, and I wrote you a PM awhile back, but I wasn't sure if you got it.