Sasha1/2 Posted August 6, 2014 Share Posted August 6, 2014 How do I choose what my life should look like? Our ten year marriage has been eight years of hell. Many of the stresses have been external forces, but much of my struggle is his inability to cope. He's a narcissist and verbally and financially abusive. He won't change. He's lost another job. We may have to sell our home. He seems happy about not having to work and the possibility of being debt-free, albeit homeless. I need to separate. For my sanity and financial well-being. I need to stop hoping my marriage will improve. I'm having a hard time imagining my life as a single-again person. I'm downtrodden. He's tried to make me feel incapable of taking care of my own life. Literally, I'm overwhelmed. What steps did you take as you started over? Link to post Share on other sites
central Posted August 6, 2014 Share Posted August 6, 2014 I think the first step in your case is to make a budget. You also have to look at existing debt and determine how much of that is your responsibility, and how to handle it - default, bankruptcy, negotiated settlement or payment plan, or perhaps you can simply pay what you owe. The house is the big issue, unless you have a gain and are not underwater on the mortgage. Another issue is your job - if you don't have one, get one, otherwise your options are almost nil, at least until you get your share of the house sale proceeds, if you are entitled to any. Once you know what you can afford based on your income and anticipated expenses, you can look for a place to live and set up on your own. Maybe you can arrange to stay temporarily with a friend or family, or find a roommate situation if you aren't sure you can afford something on your own right away. You simply have to take things a day at a time, with an overall view of what needs to be done. Don't worry about future steps, unless there is something you can actually do now about them, which may simply be gathering information. Just focus on the next thing you must do, and only that. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted August 6, 2014 Share Posted August 6, 2014 What steps did you take as you started over? During the divorce process, I tasked my lawyer to flesh out a number of options, including business and/or personal bankruptcy, to refresh. After watching corporations renegotiate contracts, discharge debt and clear out entire sections of their workforce using this strategy for decades, I came to see the value of it at the micro level. So, with that strategy in place, I took some risks and moved away from my traditional conservative perspective on life in general. I did things which would cause my CPA father to roll over in his grave. I reached out to old friends and reinvigorated those friendships and parlayed them into business opportunities. I fleshed out a ten year plan for recovery I got a faithful cat as a companion and stopped dating and generally being interested in women. After 30+ years of that, I figured it was enough. I chose to live for today and to view each day as a success, even if it blew. Each day is an opportunity. I used a tool I learned in MC while caregiving to focus on one success, finishing one task in a positive way each day and accepting that positive result as the success for the day. Of course, a day is full of many tasks but the purpose was to imbue each day with the positive feelings from that one success. If everything else went to shyte, that's OK! Life is like that. Nothing is perfect. Lastly, I chose not to dwell on the past. It's there, as long as memory exists, but one can choose to focus on today. TBH, I have a hard time forming a cogent rant about my M. It's simply not a factor in life anymore. Ancient history. Good luck! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Holding-On Posted August 6, 2014 Share Posted August 6, 2014 How do I choose what my life should look like? Our ten year marriage has been eight years of hell. Many of the stresses have been external forces, but much of my struggle is his inability to cope. He's a narcissist and verbally and financially abusive. He won't change. He's lost another job. We may have to sell our home. He seems happy about not having to work and the possibility of being debt-free, albeit homeless. I need to separate. For my sanity and financial well-being. I need to stop hoping my marriage will improve. I'm having a hard time imagining my life as a single-again person. I'm downtrodden. He's tried to make me feel incapable of taking care of my own life. Literally, I'm overwhelmed. What steps did you take as you started over? 1.Get a support network in place if at all possible. Family or good friends. Let them know you are going to need their help. If you are very isolated you want to build this up. Go online and find support groups for narcissists. Counselling if you can find it/afford it. 2. Know what to expect. Expect the bullying to get worse before it gets better. I strongly strongly recommend reading Bill Eddy's excellent book "Splitting" (there is an electronic version and he has a website). He will also have advice. 3. Lastly you can see a few lawyers and know what to expect (the consultation is usually free). 4. Look online for budget planning. Link to post Share on other sites
rester Posted August 6, 2014 Share Posted August 6, 2014 I chose to live for today and to view each day as a success, even if it blew. Each day is an opportunity. I used a tool I learned in MC while caregiving to focus on one success, finishing one task in a positive way each day and accepting that positive result as the success for the day. Of course, a day is full of many tasks but the purpose was to imbue each day with the positive feelings from that one success. If everything else went to shyte, that's OK! Life is like that. Nothing is perfect. Great post! Link to post Share on other sites
KarlaB Posted August 6, 2014 Share Posted August 6, 2014 Since I am all new to this and going through it myself, I think this advice is excellent. Me and stbx are moving rather quickly to get this divorce done or at least to be in separate places. It's been less than a month since he said he wanted out and when I realized he wasn't willing to work on it, I pull up my big girl panties and started planning. I have a budget of what I can afford on my own with my son, what he needs to pay in child support for us to live, and we are getting our house on the market yet this week. For me being in limo sucks. I have to have a plan because this is happening weather I like it or not! Speaking of cats my friends say if I get more than 2 there will be an intervention, love my support circle. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sasha1/2 Posted August 7, 2014 Author Share Posted August 7, 2014 KarlaB, I think I'm ok. I have three dogs, five birds, and two rabbits, but only one cat. Thanks for your ideas, everyone. You have given me some great things to work on. I'll feel better if I have little tasks to check off my lists. We talked to our realtor today. While he's not working, my H will finish some renos on the house. I'm going to need to find a place that will let me keep my zoo. We are empty nesters and I do have a good job. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts