The guy who my wife cheated with just sent me an apology letter

[Justanaverageguy]

So I've posted a few times here recently - details of my situation are in the following threads.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/cheating-flirting-jealousy/482779-wife-cheated-2-months-after-marriage-1-month-after-moving-countries-together

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/cheating-flirting-jealousy/483766-follow-up-my-ex-mentally-unhinged

 

I've been doing really well the past couple of months and rarely think about what happened now. I've been seeing a girl for a number of weeks recently. Nothing too serious at the moment keeping it casual and low key - but she's nice and its been fun. I honestly feel like I have moved on from the whole ordeal and I'm in a pretty good place at the moment. Working through some hard stuff like breaking up of assets etc - but hoping to be done with that ASAP so I can just move on with my life.

 

This week I randomly received a message via facebook in my "other" mailbox (where messages from people who you are not friends go). It was a message from the guy who I discovered my wife had cheated with. He messaged to say he wanted to apologize for what had happened - that he wasn't the type of guy to do that sort of thing and felt awful about what had happened. Said he knows I won't forgive him but just wanted to at least message to let me know he was very sorry for what happened.

 

Seemed sincere enough - and to be honest I really don't hold any grudge or ill will towards him. I hold my ex accountable for what happened. He didn't know me and if you read through the details of how my now ex and I got together you would see it was under almost identical circumstances .... so I can't really hold it over him without being a complete hypocrite. At the same time as soon as I confronted my ex and exposed what was happening she dropped him. By all accounts he went a bit bat **** crazy and started stalking her and sending gifts and completely weird things to her house. I strongly doubt there would be any apology coming if he had actually ended up with her. Now he is left empty handed he has suddenly got a case of the guilts.

 

Just curious what the community would write back. I already pretty much know what I will write ... but interested in what others think.

[Natsu21]

So I've posted a few times here recently - details of my situation are in the following threads.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/cheating-flirting-jealousy/482779-wife-cheated-2-months-after-marriage-1-month-after-moving-countries-together

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/cheating-flirting-jealousy/483766-follow-up-my-ex-mentally-unhinged

 

I've been doing really well the past couple of months and rarely think about what happened now. I've been seeing a girl for a number of weeks recently. Nothing too serious at the moment keeping it casual and low key - but she's nice and its been fun. I honestly feel like I have moved on from the whole ordeal and I'm in a pretty good place at the moment. Working through some hard stuff like breaking up of assets etc - but hoping to be done with that ASAP so I can just move on with my life.

 

This week I randomly received a message via facebook in my "other" mailbox (where messages from people who you are not friends go). It was a message from the guy who I discovered my wife had cheated with. He messaged to say he wanted to apologize for what had happened - that he wasn't the type of guy to do that sort of thing and felt awful about what had happened. Said he knows I won't forgive him but just wanted to at least message to let me know he was very sorry for what happened.

 

Seemed sincere enough - and to be honest I really don't hold any grudge or ill will towards him. I hold my ex accountable for what happened. He didn't know me and if you read through the details of how my now ex and I got together you would see it was under almost identical circumstances .... so I can't really hold it over him without being a complete hypocrite. At the same time as soon as I confronted my ex and exposed what was happening she dropped him. By all accounts he went a bit bat **** crazy and started stalking her and sending gifts and completely weird things to her house. I strongly doubt there would be any apology coming if he had actually ended up with her. Now he is left empty handed he has suddenly got a case of the guilts.

 

Just curious what the community would write back. I already pretty much know what I will write ... but interested in what others think.

 

Let me translate what he REALLY is saying

 

"Dear You

 

I'm sorry for banging your ex. The sex was GREAT, but now, I'm either bored with her or she dumped me. I want to let you know that I don't want to hold any responsibility by getting involved in another person's relationship, as I will say that I am sorry now, but I definitely was not sorry before. It just stopped all of a sudden and now im saying something about it. Despite that I don't want to feel this guilt and wish to get rid of it, so im going to be the bigger person and try to apologize."

 

Don't send him anything. He wasn't sorry when he was doing the actions. If you're not friends with him, there really is no reason to respond. You are free to do what you like but you've moved on.

 

Still, if a person I called a friend did that to me, I wouldn't even give them a chance to apologize.

 

"The truth may set you free, but the consequences are still there after the lie."-Natsu21

[todreaminblue]

whatever reason he apologised he apoligised to you he didtn have to but he did.....

 

 

accept the apology with grace and let him move on with his life as you are with yours....maybe he learned a valuable lesson so show him grace .....as you woudl want to be shown grace if you had learned a lesson.....he wasnt a friend of yours to me that shows a sincerity......he had no reason to apologize other than that it was sincerely meant......thats logic...so show grace......best wishes....deb

[somedude81]

"Thanks for the message dude. I appreciate the honesty. Now lets never talk again"

[PegNosePete]

that he wasn't the type of guy to do that sort of thing

Well that's patently, obviously and demonstratively a LIE. He is exactly the type of guy to do that kind of thing because he DID that kind of thing.

 

Why do you feel the need to reply to him at all? What do you hope to get from this exchange? A drinking buddy, a golf or bowling partner? No, I would simply ignore this message, in fact block him so he can't send you any follow-up "did you get my message" messages. I'm not sure why you'd ever want to hear from this guy, let alone correspond back with him. His guilt is not your problem.

[Smilecharmer]

Are you saying you helped her cheat on her bf before you?

[Javelin]

His apology means nothing.

You owe him nothing.

Say nothing.

[Justanaverageguy]

Are you saying you helped her cheat on her bf before you?

 

Details are in the other thread. It's not a black and white situation ... but essentially yes I did. I take ownership for my actions.

 

When I first got together with my ex she was in another relationship .... I however did not know this until we had already got together, been intimate and dated for a number of weeks. She concealed the fact she was already in a relationship, never told me about it and modified her profile on facebook so she looked single. He worked out of town a lot so I had no idea until one day she brought it up.

 

I admit after I found out I continued seeing her for a couple of months until she broke it off with the guy. Not much I can say to defend myself with there - I knowingly continued seeing her after I found out. Honestly would never have gone there to start with if I knew she had a boyfriend ... but I was already with her and I guess had fallen quite hard for her by the time I found out.

 

No excuse I know .... and believe me I learnt my lesson. Karmer right! Gives me a unique perspective on the whole ordeal - it's evidently a pattern she follows.

Edited August 7, 2014 by Justanaverageguy

[carhill]

Just curious what the community would write back. I already pretty much know what I will write ... but interested in what others think.

 

I'd process it as part of the past, consider the case closed and move on. No response warranted.

[Javelin]

I had fallen quite hard for her

 

She manipulates people without any care in the world - you really had no choice but to follow for her because its the mental game that she likes to play. There is no need to apologies for what she has done - so don't!

 

Don't worry, she will get what's coming to her.

[PegNosePete]

believe me I learnt my lesson. Karmer right! Gives me a unique perspective on the whole ordeal - it's evidently a pattern she follows.

Precisely. It's yet another example that proves "if she cheats WITH you, she'll cheat ON you".

 

I would have launched her as soon as I found out she had a BF. Anyone who can hide that from me for months, is not someone I would ever want to see again.

[Tayken]

whatever reason he apologised he apoligised to you he didtn have to but he did.....

 

 

accept the apology with grace and let him move on with his life as you are with yours....maybe he learned a valuable lesson so show him grace .....as you woudl want to be shown grace if you had learned a lesson.....he wasnt a friend of yours to me that shows a sincerity......he had no reason to apologize other than that it was sincerely meant......thats logic...so show grace......best wishes....deb

 

 

Wow.....the same way you will accept an apology if some woman sent you the same letter saying they banged your husband, it was fun whilst it lasted, but it's over now?

 

The OP doesn't have to acknowledge the letter, even better dump the harlot and move on with your life because you know she is going to do it again....

[Elle1975]

He apologized, that's good. I wouldn't go against what you're feeling right now. If you can't forgive him for what happened, say so. If you just don't care about the role he played, say so too.

 

My point is, I would hate for you to say something that isn't true. Don't say "I forgive you", if you can't forgive him. It's okay to say what's on your mind.

 

You said you were "that guy". What would you have liked to received if you had sent that apology? Provided that it doesn't get in the way of how you really feel.

[GoBlue]

There is no requirement to respond at all. If you decide that you have to write something back, is there really any purpose in rehashing what happened? Any benefit to blasting him? Maybe a simple "thank you for admitting you were wrong" type message would suffice. In any event, I hope that your heart mends and your future relationships will be healthy. Blessings.

[Oberfeldwebel]

If you have no reason to believe that he isn't sincere, then I would encourage you to accept the apology. This does not mean that you can't express the hurt that it caused you in response, nor do you even have to respond at all. However, forgiveness is as much for your own good than the offender. Keeping the anger buried long term is not good for either your mental or physical health. He did not promise to love, honor or cherish you, that was your ex. Even with her, you ultimately need to get to the point where you really don't care. Living a great and fulfilling life without them, is the ultimate revenge.

[No Limit]

Don't respond or anything. It's not sincere anyway.

[preraph]

Since you said he acted stalkery, this could be just a way for him to remain connected to her and get info on her. You know, stalkers will nearly always try to be friends with relatives or their friends just to keep tabs on them. If I were you, I'd give a quick reply like "Okay." And then never respond to him again if he replies to that.

[HappyLove]

I was gonna say the same thing as Preraph. This seems like a way for him to stay connected to her. Especially after all the crazy things he did, it makes sense.

 

I wouldn't reply.

[BeholdtheMan]

Seemed sincere enough - and to be honest I really don't hold any grudge or ill will towards him. I hold my ex accountable for what happened.

 

Excellent attitude

 

Random dude who boinked your ex didn't know you. He owed you no loyalty. Your ex was the one who shat all over her marriage vows.

 

Personally, I'd keep my response short. Something along the lines "I've moved on. I suggest you do to. I don't hold a grudge against you. She was the one who betrayed my trust, not you."

[Justanaverageguy]

Personally, I'd keep my response short. Something along the lines "I've moved on. I suggest you do to. I don't hold a grudge against you. She was the one who betrayed my trust, not you."

 

This is basically what I was thinking. My response was probably going to be a bit more long winded but I think I like yours better .... just keeping it short and sweet with a couple of lines.

 

Thanks to all for the input.

[HereNorThere]

It could be a way to keep the relationship fresh in his mind or he could be trying to find a way to relieve his guilt. However, I still think it was a somewhat decent gesture. I wouldn't respond, but it's nice to know that he knows what he did was wrong. Chances are that he was spun into the same web you were and you both have a lot of ways to relate to each other. Face it, you both were conned in the same way by the same chick. Your similarities probably outweigh your differences by a long shot.

[Miss Awesome]

I don't think I would respond, if I were you. However, I'm a pretty big fan of cutting contact with people in these types of situations.

 

I was with a man who was cheating. I thought I was his one and only, but it turned out that even though he and I had been together longer, he had actually become much more involved with someone else - and I had become the girl on the side. After I realized that, I considered contacting the girl to let her know that I never intended to create problems and that I had no idea what had been going on. In the end, though, I decided there was no point. I was no one to her, and she was no one to me - and even if she believed me, what would have been the point? To get her forgiveness? To make her feel better? Like I said, I didn't see a reason to prolong my involvement in the situation, so I didn't.

 

As for you, it sounds like you're going to respond. If I were in your shoes, I don't know exactly what I would say, but I do know this: Before I sent anything, I would ask myself, "what is it I'm hoping to accomplish with this reply? Am I expecting a specific reaction in return, and if I am, how likely am I to actually get that reaction?"

[Justanaverageguy]

Chances are that he was spun into the same web you were and you both have a lot of ways to relate to each other. Face it, you both were conned in the same way by the same chick. Your similarities probably outweigh your differences by a long shot.

 

Exactly I have no interest in meeting or speaking to the guy but I have a very unique perspective on how she works and I have no doubt he was sucked in just like me. Like I said I was in a pretty similar position so can't be too "Holier then thou". It perhaps made me reflect on what happened to the last guy before me. The really **** thing I came to realize is that cheaters like her tell huge lies about the partner they are cheating on. For 2 reasons: 1. To justify their own action and make it seem ok 2. To convince the person who is cheating with them that the partner deserves it so they also think it's ok.

 

It saddens me that I really only came to realize right at the end how much of the stuff she told me about the last guy was lies. Maybe it was just convenient to believe her at first. When I found out about the other guy back when we first got together the things she said about him were so horrible. I honestly thought he was the worst guy on the planet and it made the cheating OK.

 

She said he was bipolar and an alcoholic who threatened to hit her when he drank, that he even sometimes put cigarettes out on himself when he drank, his family was crazy and abusive, that he never wanted sex and that he never did anything nice for her and was only concerned about himself and his friends. I came to realize it was all lies .... if not outright lies then grossly exaggerated to the point of baring no reflection on reality. The thing is she told her self this story for so long I think she actually started to believe it. I have no idea what she said about me but I assume it was something similar.

 

When we were moving and cleaning out the house I found a random book that was bundled in with some of her things. It was a diary the previous guy was writing shortly before they broke up. Guess it made me realize he wasn't such a bad guy after all .... it was pretty hard for me to read knowing what had happened. Filled with stuff about how he could feel something was wrong in their relationship and how he wanted to fix and improved it, reconnecting with her, making an effort to let her know she was special. Makes me sick thinking of the decent guys she has used and spat out.

 

The latest guy I don't hate - I honestly just feel sorry for him. He doesn't have the same perspective as me to know what she is really like and that she is not even worth another thought.

Edited August 14, 2014 by Justanaverageguy

[ascendotum]

The really **** thing I came to realize is that cheaters like her tell huge lies about the partner they are cheating on. For 2 reasons: 1. To justify their own action and make it seem ok 2. To convince the person who is cheating with them that the partner deserves it so they also think it's ok.

I can't make a blanket statement regarding this ^ that its true in all cases but for sure in significant % of cases it is. I know of a few were it was mostly bs. There was some truth but as you said like in your case it was very much exaggerated to make it sound like the cheater was justified in their actions or at least make them not look so scummy. Unless you are close to the source you often wont know what was true.

[Justanaverageguy]

I can't make a blanket statement regarding this ^ that its true in all cases but for sure in significant % of cases it is. I know of a few were it was mostly bs. There was some truth but as you said like in your case it was very much exaggerated to make it sound like the cheater was justified in their actions or at least make them not look so scummy. Unless you are close to the source you often wont know what was true.

 

Honestly I look back on what happened with me when I found out and how she convinced me not to cut it off. I did actually end it for a short period when I first found out but she persuaded me to stick around with all these BS stories. Even went as far as saying the guy was depressed and might harm himself if she left him now so she was just waiting for the right time.

 

With a good looking female, people think they would have no problem finding a guy who is willing to cheat with them. But honestly I think there is only a very small percentage of "single" guys who are happy to enter an ongoing affair with a woman who is taken. (it is different if the guy is cheating on his wife as well). While men in general get a really bad rap when it comes to monogamy - most guys are actually morally opposed to this. To keep the affair going the woman needs to feed them a steady diet of stories about how the current relationship is dead, they are basically already separated and how the other guy is essentially an A-Hole who deserves it. I can say this from experience because that's the only reason I was willing to compromise my values and stick around when I found out.

 

I mean how many people in relationships say to their affair partners, “Hey, my relationship is great. I’m just kind of bored right now and I would like to have sex with somebody different. Are you in?” I'm sure there are maybe a few people like that out there but it's a definite minority.